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Relationships

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Original poster

Do you think it's possible to meet the right person at the wrong time?

53 replies

ProfessorPickles · 10/03/2016 14:14

Just thinking about something once said to me, not in a deep emotional manner just popped into my head all of a sudden.

It was said to me and I had quite a "what a load of shit" reaction to it.

What are your thoughts?

My initial reaction is that if they were right for you you'd be with them. Therefore right at the wrong time = wrong person surely?

OP posts:

CheersMedea · 10/03/2016 17:15

My initial reaction is that if they were right for you you'd be with them. Therefore right at the wrong time = wrong person surely?

Utter crap. Unless you are still clinging to the teenage immature view of "there's only one THE ONE".

There is a lot of timing in forming relationships for all kinds of reasons - being interested/ready to settle down; not wanting children yet; wanting to travel; not being financially ready to settle down if that is a thing for you and so on.

Plus you also need the other person to be ready too.

What is that old thing about it's like taxis with a light on? Both taxis have to have their lights on for it to work.

I don't like thinking about this too much because the odds of actually meeting my DH and us both wanting the same thing at the same time seems too weirdly remote.

Tbh it amazes me anyone actually ever forms relationships. The chances of it all being there together (attraction, personality compatibility, life goal compatibility, timing and being open to a long term relationship) are miniscule.

Custardcreamssummerdreams · 10/03/2016 17:21

Wot heatherjane said and I think in the past this thinking was relevant but now anyone can contact whoever whenever, so if they felt the same way they would contact you?

brabit · 10/03/2016 17:43

*There is a lot of timing in forming relationships for all kinds of reasons - being interested/ready to settle down; not wanting children yet; wanting to travel; not being financially ready to settle down if that is a thing for you and so on.

Plus you also need the other person to be ready too.

What is that old thing about it's like taxis with a light on? Both taxis have to have their lights on for it to work.*

exactly this

Belikethat · 10/03/2016 19:19

Yes definitely. I met someone when I was in the middle of a messy divorce, I had two small children and was working full-time and going through a court case. I literally did not have time to devote to a new relationship. Sad as I think we could have been happy together.

Gabilan · 10/03/2016 19:52

Yes. Sometimes you meet someone who's already in a committed relationship and there's a spark of something. But you walk away, you respect their relationship. And sometimes you think "what if he'd met me first?" But he didn't, and that's it.

sh77 · 10/03/2016 20:02

Needtomove - I love love love reading stories like yours! That's an incredible set of circumstances. Do you like him?

ToastedOrFresh · 10/03/2016 20:12

Cheers Medea has it.

I also believe that if it's the right person at the wrong time is not the right person. Unless you meet each other again and this time the circumstances are in favour of both parties.

Some relationships, even happy ones, have everything and nothing. That's usually a relationship that ends, but citing right person wrong time ? Do you get where I'm going with this.

There's all sorts of facets to right person wrong time. In turn, there's all sorts of facets to right person right time. It doesn't stop 'the wheels falling off' just because you met at the right time. Any relationship that ended probably started, 'at the right time'.

My husband remarked that if we had met six months earlier we would not have noticed or been ready for each other. Six months later, we would have missed each other. So our, 'right time' came at the right time.

There may be an element of getting ready for each other, i.e. making the right time happen. Basically, if I met him/her again I would/wouldn't......

Original poster

ProfessorPickles · 10/03/2016 20:29

Cheers Medea - I don't believe in "the one", I definitely think there are multiple people out there for everyone. I just feel like it's a bit of a get out of jail free card to go, "he's the right one but it's the wrong time" for example, instead of actively making it the right time. Makes me wonder if it's a bit of the grass in greener thing too where they're only the "right" person because you never actually got together/it ended sooner where it may have turned bad down the line meaning you were wrong IYSWIM. Just some thoughts popping into my head!

Need to move - that does sound so strange! What are the chances of that?! I can't believe it especially the part where you were on holiday!

OP posts:

Trills · 10/03/2016 20:44

He said I'm the right person for him but it's the wrong time, especially with us being in different stages of our lives.

Bit of a dick thing to say.

But not entirely unreasonable.

Better phrased as "you could be the right person if your lives were in alignment". It's not that your personalities are incompatible, but that your circumstances are.

Trills · 10/03/2016 20:46

You are right that it clearly does mean "I don't care about you enough to change my plans" , but that might be a perfectly reasonable thing for someone to feel, particularly if they've only been with you a few months.

ToastedOrFresh · 10/03/2016 22:03

Actively making it the right time. Also, grass is greener I can relate to as well.

Yes, if possible it can be made the right time. I met my husband a few months before he was due to go overseas on an overlanding trip. At one stage, he was really pleased with himself to tell me that he had paid the rest of the money for the trip. I was a bit hurt when he said this, 'cause he looked so pleased to be leaving in a few months time. (My husband has admitted that he could gauge a lot about me/us from my reaction.)

I thought, 'I don't do hints, if you are going to end things between us then damn well sit me down and tell me face to face.'

Or, I could have stormed off in a huff citing his travel plans as a reason to end things, but I didn't. I wanted to make it difficult for him to end our relationship (but not in a controlling, stalkerish way !)

So, about four weeks before he was due to leave, he proposed and I accepted. To quote from a modern song, 'he liked it so he put a ring on it'.

Basically, right people wrong time or circumstances do exist. However, some people will move heaven and earth so they can be together.

Thethingswedoforlove · 10/03/2016 22:41

Gabilan. What you said.

NeedToMoveHouse · 10/03/2016 22:49

sh77 you sound like my friend! She always tells ppl the story (not in front of my OH)! It's really weird because I've genuinely never been in a position where I would look at him in a potential partner kind of way. He is attractive and we can chat like a couple of old friends, we have the same humour and interests. It is weird. I don't know if we'd make great friends rather than a great couple.

The holiday was unbelievable! I don't like football and only agreed to go as the game was being held in a city I'd wanted to visit anyway. Whereas LBC is a huge football fan and never would have missed that game as it was a big one very technical term there!

Salmiak · 10/03/2016 23:00

Yes, when I met my now dh it was definitely the wrong time. My dad had died 4 months earlier, I'd come out of a long term relationship 6 months earlier and I simply wasn't in any state to consider embarking on a new relationship. There was a spark but I told him rather bluntly that I couldn't deal with my own emotions so it would be impossible for me to consider his emotions too. He said fair enough and settled for being friends. About a year passed before I suddenly realised that I'd actually started falling for him and we became a couple. I was reluctant to go too fast too soon, but he let me set the pace and 10 years later I am still thankful that he thought I was worth the wait.

coffeeisnectar · 10/03/2016 23:19

Absolutely!

I met dp at a wedding in 1985. I was 16 and he was 27 and the best man. I took one look at him and knew that I wanted to be with him. However I was still at school and he had just come out of the navy. He gently rebuffed my attempts to chat him up but two years later we got back in touch and dated for nearly two years.

We wanted different things and went our separate ways but for me, he was always the one. Fast forward to 2012 and bored one night, searched for him on Facebook. Sent him a message and he called me and we spoke for ages. We were both single so I flew to see him a month later and it was like we had never been apart. He proposed and a few months later I moved 450 miles with my dc to be with him and four years on are incredibly happy.

Trills · 11/03/2016 08:06

I was 16 and he was 27... He gently rebuffed my attempts to chat him up

coffeeisnectar can we quote you any time any one talks about a 16 yr old and someone in their 20s?
The only sensible thing for the person in their 20s to say to a 16 year old is "You are still in school"

coffeeisnectar · 11/03/2016 08:41

He says now he did like me but I was too young and it was very wrong. Now the age gap means nothing but it does show that there are some decent men who know that a 16 year old is too young for a guy in their 20s. In my head I was a grown up. He WAS a grown up. He had been to war and travelled the world.

It was worth waiting the two years to date him and the 30 years to live with him though.

Trills · 11/03/2016 08:46

Well done him. :)

AugustMoon · 13/03/2016 07:34

So there are some decent men in the world.

Estimated201 · 13/03/2016 09:30

I believe you can.

There's been a lot of challenges, but we knew we wanted to be together.

There has been many obsticals to get through including long distance, 2 job changes, selling one house, finding new place and many more

Poppy7 · 13/03/2016 10:47

On the basis that I am going through this right now, I completely agree with the right person, wrong time thesis.

In my case, we connect on every level, so many common interests, sense of humour, same perspective on things. We spend hours talking (I mean at 2am when we should be focused on working and getting home for some sleep). The physical attraction (which wasn't there initially for me) is also becoming overwhelming - I had to run out of his office the other night as he was getting way too close to me and I was scared he was going to do something and open a Pandora's Box of pain.

Wrong time because unfortunately I am his 10 years+ older "married" boss with 2 young children (I say "married" as I am separated for all intents and purposes). I just cannot see how in the real world, outside of our little bubble, it would work.

oneDtwoD · 13/03/2016 14:53

I think so. I met someone who i think is a right person (agree that there may be many) for me but he was in a LTR. The he became single but immediately moved to the other side of the world on a work project. I'm not sitting around pineing for him but if we are both single when he comes back to the UK, maybe our time will come.

Tinkerbellx · 14/03/2016 01:03

Yes from me .
I'd just got out of a 26 year relationship and met an adorable man still reeling after his 25 year marriage had ended .
I was 2 years further down the break up than him and we never planned on a relationship we just got on incredibly well .
We went for long walks and talked for hours . He has planned to move to the other side of the world with work ( presently commutes ) and was always up front and honest .
It turned into a romance and I fell in love with him . I think at one point he almost changed his plans but it's too soon for him . I've given him my blessing to go and actually we 're still seeing each other when he's in the uk .
If I'm not in a relationship when he comes back we'll get together we've agreed . We still talk at least twice a week .
He needs to go and do his thing ( it's work and he works stupidly hard when he's stressed )
He will come back to the U.K. in a few years if not sooner but just like I did he needs time to get over the loss of his very long marriage even if he is over his ex .
If he does come back to me I know it will be for keeps but we both know he has to go now . Besides I had my last child late on in life and I'm enjoying her and feeling I'm a really great place now . Neither of us were when we met and we'll be life long friends regardless .
Maybe on a few years when he's done his thing !

headexplodesbodyfreezes · 14/03/2016 01:45

God yes. The love 'conquers all thing' is a load of bollocks. Life often gets in the way.

The one 1: shite time in my life, too many people dying, we were too young to maintain a relationship through it. But 20yrs later he remains one of my best friends, neither of us has any regrets and we have a close but very different relationship now.
The one 2: work colleague, we just got on stupidly well. I was single, he wasn't but it was before all the no-going back stuff (pre-marriage, kids, home ownership). Nothing ever happened but I know he thought about it and we had several gulp moments. I didn't push it, but I wouldn't have said no if he had initiated something. In the end he decided to stay with his gf and they are now married with 3 kids. We are loosely in touch via FB and I feel nothing but genuine fondness when I see his posts.
The one 3: bit like Poppy's situation, he was my boss for a bit but I'm too old for him. Its recent and a bit raw, it won't happen although actually it was probably the strongest connection of all of them.

So no, its not all about fighting for it or being a bit lame. I would say that I'm waiting for The one 4 to turn up but tbh I'm really not that fussed any more.

FredaMayor · 14/03/2016 07:48

The 'if it's not right it's wrong' formula has worked for me, and I wish I had understood it earlier in life. It has saved me a hell of a lot of time in relationships. Try it, IMO it pinpoints a fundamental truth about duty to oneself.

Look at it this way, OP, don't let yourself be seduced by promises, you might be right for someone but they may very well not be right for you. Ever.

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