H called me a cunt

[BrokenVag]

Backstory is that husband and I aren't in a good place. We have a 5 year old and I am struggling to get problems caused by her birth resolved (physically as I haven't healed). This means we have no sex life. We have been in relationship counselling (his request) since December. He's attended 1 session alone, which focussed on lack of intimacy between us. We've had 2 or 3 sessions together, during which he clammed up and then said he didn't really get anything from the sessions afterwards. And I've had about 6 sessions on my own, which I've found fairly helpful. Biggest issue is communication, and my reaction when I think something isn't fair.

I was tidying and cleaning the kitchen when husband came in for a drink. He asked where the glass was that he'd left on the side and I pointed to the dishwasher. He told me that was his glass, that he was using it for water and that I shouldn't have touched it. I said it was a dirty glass on the worktop so I put it in the machine that cleans dirty glasses. He got angry, threw the other glass that he was holding into the sink (breaking it) and stormed off, shouting that I was a cunt and the counselling was a complete waste of money at the top of his voice. A month or so back he threw a pint of beer over me during an argument. He never apologises for his behaviour, because it was "how he really felt at the time".

It's a waste of time trying to save this, isn't it?

Im being ridiculous? If its abusive to a total stranger why is it NOT abusive to someone you know?

All that and you don't think he's abusive?!
You need to do some reading, love.
signs of emotional abuse
the abuser profiles

Have a read and then call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.

Oh, there's always one. It isn't abuse unless x, y z, the stars are in alignment with Pluto and the moon is made of green cheese (and so on).

So sorry OP, it doesn't sound like this is a salvegeable relationship. I would use that counselling to explore next steps.

WILL YOU JUST STOP!! the op needs support not buckering bickering over semantics

sharon I've already repealed my last comment for coming across that way. That is NOT what I mean. This is a conversation for a different thread.

Oh give over LEM- the OP has totally minimised the abusive nature of this relationship and now others have also said its not abuse. All this does is perpetuate the myth this crap is worth tolerating as its NOT abusive. Anyway people can discuss any aspect of the thread they wish you have no right to tell people not too

I'm with you LEM, sorry for sidelining - and OP, sorry!

But is it really more important to convince OP (against her judgement) that she is being abused, rather than supporting her in figuring out her position?

OP - sounds like you're very unhappy. You need to talk this out with the counsellor. Don't view it as the last session, whether you break up or try to resolve it, you will need the support. View it as the start of getting yourself back - be that with or without him - the counsellor is best placed to help you work that piece out.

I would say to you though - you say that's not abuse but if your 5 year old comes to you in 20 years time and tells you that story - how would you feel then? ALso, you don't mention if he/she witnessed any of these incidents, I hope not because I'm sure he/she'd be terrified if so.

If my dh called me a c**t I would throw him out. There is no way on this earth that I would accept being called such an abusive term by anyone, let alone someone I lived with and is supposed to love me. MNers bandy it around like it's acceptable. It is not. It is an extremely abusive and nasty insult and does not belong in a loving relationship. At all.

And that's without all the other stuff the OP has mentioned.

As others have mentioned, probably best to move this to relationships where you can get some wise advice.

OP, your bar is set too low

throwing beer over you, smashing objects and calling you a cunt are deal breakers

what sort of example did you have growing up ?

Personally I would have called him a cunt back. I think if you allow people to treat you a certain way and they feel they can get away with it they will continue to act in a disrespectful way.

Please talk to your counsellor about how to leave safely.

It's only offensive if you're offended.
You can't just say the word is offensive full stop, just that it is to you.
Some see the whole relationship as abusive and some don't.
It doesn't have to be abusive behaviour to be the wrong relationship.
This sounds wrong and that resentment has built up over years.
Sex isn't everything but most relationships can't function without it and this one hasn't had any for 5 years. I bet they've both healed up by now.
OP, whether you stay or go as it is your relationship is toxic and can't go on like this.

You're both abusive to one another. It seems to be continuing despite counselling.

In your shoes I would be planning a life without him. You will feel so much relief. It sounds bloody awful and you could both do each other some serious harm if you stay together.

Have you thought about going to see a solicitor?

There's not much I'd leave DH for but if he called me a cunt I'd be devastated.

I honestly think if my H called me a cunt and physically attacked me with anything (including a cold liquid) I would think he had a brain tumour or been replaced my aliens

I would also the same for a punch in the face

OP, your marriage is over. Just wrap it up now.

Are you seeing anyone regarding the physical problems you've been having since your child was born? Five years is a long time to still be suffering the effects of childbirth. Once you feel better physically, you may find you are in better place psychologically, thus able to make some serious decisions about the future.

It is abuse. And you don't deserve this. Nor does your DD deserve to grow up in this environment.

Your relationship has become toxic, you both bring out the worst in each other. This will continue to spiral downwards unless you separate.

I think you should speak to your counsellor about smoothing the path of separation. Will he come to your session tomorrow with you if you tell him you're done?

Sharon - no i will not give over I wasn't going to respond further but i can see the thread has totally been derailed so fuck it.

The OP clearly recognises the relationship is over, so call it what you will (i think its abuse too, but what i think doesn't actually matter) she wants out - thats good. No minimising from me, or the OP actually. YET AGAIN people are out with their pitchforks screaming LTB, preferrably right now and isn't the OP pathetic for staying. Yes, because its really easy to just up and leave isn't it.

In the OP's situation i would be wanting practical advice at this stage and affirmation that she is right, the relationship can't be saved. I am not in the position to give that advice but i am sure those of you who have been through similar will knkow what steps the OP should be taking now.

No, i don't have any right to tell people what to post, i can just ask people to consider that actually the OP is a real person.

I think things are very likely to get worse from this point onwards. It starts with them throwing stuff and eventually your afraid of your own shadow. I speak from experience. My experience. You sound unhappy and unsure of the future and I think you and your daughter would be happier on your own. You've done the counseling, so you've tried, but how many miserable years have to pass by before you make a change? Stay strong and the very best of luck.x

Your relationship sounds very volatile and that can be very toxic. He breaks thing, throws things and swears at you. That's a really unpleasant place to be in and it's not going to get any better, which I think you've realised.

Even if you took all that out and just looked at his clamming up, it says your husband isn't willing to try and he's even told you that he thinks it's a waste of time.

Even if this wasn't a very toxic atmosphere, it wouldn't be a workable one anyway since both parties would have to want to work together.

Good luck OP.

Op. I could have written your post about being blamed for everything. I was called names too, I reacted badly. That's because I was being emotionally and verbally abused. I had things thrown at me - that is physical abuse - things were smashed near me. That is intimidation.

It is abuse.

Read about narcissistic partners and how they use fear, obligation and guilt to maintain control...Read about how male perpetrators of domestic abuse provoke for reaction, I suggest this as it may ring bells in your own situation.

The only level of abuse that is acceptable in a relationship is zero.

Start detaching and making your exit plan.

Your life is precious - there is no need to spend it living in fear and misery.

I left him, needless to say, and I would like to think I never ever have to put up with that kind of crap again for as long as I live.

I could have written the op. I too have a 5 year old and am stillstruggling to have a sex life with my husband due to ongoing issues. It's a constant cycle of him promising to understand then getting annoyed when we can't do anything. It's led to resentment in other aspects of our marriage. I was told by a doctor that all my issues were in my head and I wasn't feeling real pain when attempting to have sex. My husband clung to this 'diagnosis' and would bring it up constantly. I have since moved go and am finally being referred to the gynae.
In a similar situation to you, my husband threw a pint of milkshake over me in a rage during an argument. I don't have a single word of advice just letting you know you are not alone.
I don't know what the future holds for my relationship as the desperation for sex has turned my husband into a mega perv who can't keep his hands off me whenever I am near. Which in turn makes things worse as I just feel there's no pint if he's never really going to end up getting what he wants.

Sorry should say I have since moved doctors