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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H called me a cunt

85 replies

BrokenVag · 09/03/2016 14:26

Backstory is that husband and I aren't in a good place. We have a 5 year old and I am struggling to get problems caused by her birth resolved (physically as I haven't healed). This means we have no sex life. We have been in relationship counselling (his request) since December. He's attended 1 session alone, which focussed on lack of intimacy between us. We've had 2 or 3 sessions together, during which he clammed up and then said he didn't really get anything from the sessions afterwards. And I've had about 6 sessions on my own, which I've found fairly helpful. Biggest issue is communication, and my reaction when I think something isn't fair.

I was tidying and cleaning the kitchen when husband came in for a drink. He asked where the glass was that he'd left on the side and I pointed to the dishwasher. He told me that was his glass, that he was using it for water and that I shouldn't have touched it. I said it was a dirty glass on the worktop so I put it in the machine that cleans dirty glasses. He got angry, threw the other glass that he was holding into the sink (breaking it) and stormed off, shouting that I was a cunt and the counselling was a complete waste of money at the top of his voice. A month or so back he threw a pint of beer over me during an argument. He never apologises for his behaviour, because it was "how he really felt at the time".

It's a waste of time trying to save this, isn't it?

OP posts:

LovelyFriend · 09/03/2016 15:24

To be fair, you could have said 'Oh sorry, I didn't realise you were still using it. I put it in the dishwasher'.

Well except for the fact that as this person doesn't do any housework at all and he considers it is his DW's role in life to take care of the home, (which will include loading dishwasher), so she is probably used to him leaving much stuff on the bench for her to put into the dishwasher.

I suppose the OP could have said "I'm sorry, my mindreading capabilities for the month have all been used up" but sarcasm probably wouldn't have helped the situtation either.

ridemesideways · 09/03/2016 15:25

I don't think he is abusive

Intimidation, violence and name-calling is abuse. It doesn't matter what has gone on in the past, it's not your fault you don't have a sex life, and, no - I would not be trying to save this. He's not even trying to engage in the counselling. End of the line.

Mooey89 · 09/03/2016 15:34

OP, I read your post and it was like reading the posts I used to write three years ago.
This is abusive love. I said it wasn't, 'we were both quick to anger ' I once punched him, I wasn't proud, it was out of character.
He pushed and pushed and pushed me.
Calling you a cunt, breaking things, not contributing to the running of the house, pressuring you to have sex...
'I used to be so sparkly'. So did I. But I became a trodden down shadow.
I left two and a bit years ago and I'm nearly back to normal. I didn't know how bad things had gotten until I left. I used to post under the username Fairy13. I sounded just like you.

Please, please leave him love. You don't deserve this and life can be so much better. You owe it yourself and your DC. This is not normal and it is not acceptable and it is abuse.

shovetheholly · 09/03/2016 15:35

I'm interested in the fact he had a couple of sessions of counselling and then clammed up. It suggests to me that he thought he might get confirmation from the counsellor that this was all just your fault, and that he wasn't actually prepared to confront the existence of problems on his side of the court.

I wonder if your reaction when you perceive things to be unfair is also the way it is in part because it's the only way you get heard?

Pinkheart5915 · 09/03/2016 15:38

I assume for relationship has been like this for the full 5 years after your child.

Thing is you have tried to save your relationship, given it your best some people wouldn't even of done that so its not like your ending it too easy.

If he just clams at the joint counselling then it won't work anyway, he would need to sit down and talk about it.

With the name calling and throwing beer over you, that is not acceptable behaviour and he should not treat you this way!

I'd say you've come to the end of the line

Chinesealan · 09/03/2016 15:46

He is abusive. Counselling is for something resolvable. This isn't. A man who calls you a cunt is past salvation.
My thought is that you should get counselling for yourself only and slowly make an exit plan out of this unhealthy and draining relationship.

2ManySweets · 09/03/2016 15:47

I could've written your post OP.

Needless to say I'm divorced now and after my marriage ended I met a lovely man with whom I have a great relationship.

If this is a WWYD question I echo a PP and I'd use the counselling sessions to end the marriage as gently as possible.

I'll never forget the time my XH swiped all 100 nail polishes off a sideboard and then left me to clean up the mess. It sounds so mundane and trivial but they were my pride and joy, and the clean up (both literally and figuratively) was bloody awful. Plus he called me a c* on a few occasions too.

When shit gets this nasty something has got to give.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 09/03/2016 15:48

WTF, abuse?? Unless there's a whole shit ton more to this I agree with the OP, calling your partner a cunt and breaking a glass is not (in itself) abuse.

OP, I had marriage that holds many similarities to your own, mostly in that I did not like who I was when I was his wife. I didn't like who he was either. We loved each other so much - we were so "sparky" like you say, right from the off - but we turned each other into horrible people. We didn't want to, we didn't mean to, but we did. And we couldn't be together any more.

At the end of the day you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life, and you have to strive to be someone you like and respect. It doesn't sound like you are, and it doesn't sound like you can in this relationship. People throw around ltb like it's easy and like it's always the other party's fault, but sometimes you know in your heart you've both become people you don't like - and it's because of each other, because you met and fell in love, and perhaps you both made mistakes along the way but it happened - and then it's just really, really sad.

But if that's where you're at you should do it. For both of you. And it will hurt hugs

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 09/03/2016 15:49

PS Agree with 2Many; I also ended my marriage in a counselling session, as I planned to do.

I also now have a wonderful new partner and child. I am also a much better person IMO.

Wolfiefan · 09/03/2016 15:50

Calling someone a cunt isn't abusive?

Um it really is. And no adult should be throwing glasses around either.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 09/03/2016 15:55

Throwing a pint of beer over your wife, calling her a cunt for putting a glass in a dishwasher, and throwing a glass to smash in the sink is abusive behaviour in my book.

Go to counselling alone OP.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 09/03/2016 15:58

Wolfie if I just came on here to tell everyone my h had spitefully taken the was drinking from and put it in the dishwasher, then been snarky about it, so I'd told him he was a cunt, no-one would calling me out for abusing him. Being unreasonable perhaps, but abusing him? No.

Note: OP, I'm not saying you were spiteful or snarky, I'm just saying it's all in the telling.

ridemesideways · 09/03/2016 16:01

I think you need to look in the dictionary eat

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 09/03/2016 16:04

Pretty sure I've got a fair grasp of the concept ride

ridemesideways · 09/03/2016 16:07

Not sure you have... I'd call you abusive if you called your DH names. Verbal abuse. Cruelty. Intended to hurt emotionally. Smashing a glass in the sink whilst doing so = violence and intimidation.

TubbyTabby · 09/03/2016 16:08

i wouldn't bother my arse trying to save this relationship.
he's not worth it.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 09/03/2016 16:13

Abuse rather necessitates a pattern of behaviour intended to cause etc. etc. I really think it diminishes the term "abuse" to go banding it around.

I'm not saying there isn't more to this story, I'm saying it isn't in the post. So let's go easy on the labels, eh?

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 09/03/2016 16:15

Throw a glass and call a member of the public a cunt then, see if the police think its abusive then eat. Better still a police officer or A&E nurse

littleleftie · 09/03/2016 16:17

Christ OP - how much hurt has been done to you that you don't think being called a cunt is abuse?

You recognise that you feel "a shell" and I really hope that once you have recovered from the damage done by staying in this destructive relationship, you will get your old sparkle back.

ClarenceTheLion · 09/03/2016 16:17

At the very least you are both absolutely definitely WRONG for each other.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 09/03/2016 16:18

Don't be ridiculous sharon, I'll call my boyfriend a cunt when he gets home and he can tell me to wind my neck in and stop being a dick. He can even leave me if he likes.

If I take it up as a pattern of behaviour set to undermine and belittle him, be it on purpose or inadvertantly, I will indeed be abusing him. But I'm not that girl.

TheoriginalLEM · 09/03/2016 16:19

lets not derail the thread buckering over whether something is abuse or not.

the op spunds likeshe knows the relationship is over. how it's labelled isn't important just now.

what is important is offering her practical advice on finances, housing and divorce. Making a first step towards a newlife.

Op it will get better just not with him

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 09/03/2016 16:19

Ugh, just made it sound like it's okay to call your partner a cunt - I am NOT saying that.

Anyway, I've put my two cents in and I'm out.

ghostyslovesheep · 09/03/2016 16:20

throwing glasses, name calling and punching people in the face are not signs of a healthy relationship - talk to your counsellor but maybe it's time to accept you just don't work together

ridemesideways · 09/03/2016 16:21

I really think it diminishes the term "abuse" to go banding it around.

I really think it minimises abusive behaviour to refuse to call it so.

Abuse can be a single incident or it can be multiple incidents. OP's posts reveal the following abusive incidents:

He called her a cunt
He deliberately broke a glass in the sink whilst in a rage
OP punched him
He threw a pint of beer over her

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