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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband affair advice :(

35 replies

kaelgr · 08/03/2016 11:26

Found out my husband had an 'emotional' affair (with someone that lives a long way away), that he has admitted went as far as kissing. I don't believe him for lots of reasons:

  1. He had every opportunity to sleep with her, as he went away for the weekend to visit friends near where she lives on two occasions during the 'affair'
  2. His mobile phone records show at least one night where he stopped texting/contacting her from 8pm to 10am (having been contacting her the whole day that day), and on the previous occasion that he stayed with this same friend he text/called her right through the night up until 1am and then 7am the next morning. He couldn't give me an explanation of why the contact stopped.
  3. When I found out he'd been having this affair he promised me to end contact with her but for 6 weeks he carried on speaking/texting her behind my back, deleting all evidence on his phone. But then I found out the truth by being Miss Marple. At his point he admitted it and said he regretted everything.

So he swears he didn't sleep with her and I guess he COULD be telling the truth. He certainly seems genuine but he seemed genuine all the other times he lied to me.

I really need to know if he's lying but can't work out how to get the truth from him. I have considered asking the OW but not sure she will tell me and not sure if I want to go through the humiliation

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 08/03/2016 11:28

I understand your need to know but tbh I'd be leaving him either way Flowers

Original poster
kaelgr · 08/03/2016 11:29

I know a lot of people will tell me that.

OP posts:
Chocolate123 · 08/03/2016 11:32

An affair emotional or sexual wouldn't make any difference to me as they are both a betrayal. He's lying to you regardless. Flowers

Original poster
kaelgr · 08/03/2016 11:35

Yes and the emotional affair is enough for me to question whether I want to stay with him. I just need to know if he's telling the truth now...finally

OP posts:
Chocolate123 · 08/03/2016 11:37

You might never find out I know I didn't. Now years later it doesn't matter to me. You have to make the descision on the facts you know.

OldestStory · 08/03/2016 11:39

I would just assume he's lying.

Mine lied like truth to me, wouldn't have thought he could be such a good liar!

But what you do with that is up to you. Having been through something similar, I think I would now be inclined to kick him out until you decide what you want to do.

AugustMoon · 08/03/2016 11:40

My H had an emotional affair about 10 years ago, with someone a long way away, where he went on business to not long before I found out. He swears he never slept with her but I have never really believed him. Not sure how helpful this is. About to LTB now once and for all so not sure it even matters. That's the first time I said that "out-loud". Dont wait 10 years.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 08/03/2016 11:40

Firstly, I'm sorry you are going through this. It is such a horrible feeling to discover that your partner has been having an affair.

I found out about my H's EA with a work colleague 6.5 weeks ago now. Everybody is different I know, but I had to contact the OW and get her side of the "truth". That might not be the right thing for everyone, but there is no way I could have not contacted her, personally.

Yes, you absolutely stand to hear very unpleasant or hurtful truths - but those truths exist whether you hear them or not. Some people are happier not knowing absolutely everything. Not me, I needed/need the whole truth.

I would ask or tell your H to leave for now. This gives you some space to just think & make independent decisions without him being there sulking or trying to "explain". Then, when YOU are ready, sit down somewhere neutral with a list of questions you want answering and go through them one by one. If he is in anyway unwilling to do that, or you feel he is lying, then that would be the definite end of the relationship for me.

I know for a fact that my H's affair went no further than sexually explicit messages & topless photos of her - but I am still pretty sure our marriage will not recover, as I will never be able to trust him again.

In your situation - where he carried on with her even after D-Day, I'm pretty sure it would be over for me already.

Whatever you do, please be kind to yourself Flowers. Do you have any RL support?

AnyFucker · 08/03/2016 11:40

The lies and the deceit would be the death knell for my marriage

Although I would bet my house he has slept with her

LobsterQuadrille · 08/03/2016 11:41

It's understandable that you want every single detail but, honestly .... after the lies he's told you already, would it make a huge difference - or would that be the final nail in the coffin?

It really depends on whether you can live with the deceit, knowing that it will probably continue. Once trust goes, it can rarely be rebuilt as it was before. Flowers

Original poster
kaelgr · 08/03/2016 11:50

Sanataslittlemonkey - did she tell you the truth? I found out before Christmas so it's been ages and so many ups and downs. He can't move out as has no where local to go so having to deal with it living together still

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 08/03/2016 11:53

I'd assume they had sex. He admits to kissing, he has form for lying and is almost certainly minimising.

FetchezLaVache · 08/03/2016 11:57

He's not admitting to sex because you can't prove it. He only admitted to #3 because you went all Marple on his ass. However, I'm not sure it really matters- what you know for a fact, i.e. the kissing and the emotional entanglement, would certainly be enough for me. Really sorry this has happened. :(

Original poster
kaelgr · 08/03/2016 11:58

Do you think the OW would be loyal to him or tell me the truth?

OP posts:
LobsterQuadrille · 08/03/2016 12:05

It depends on the state of OW's relationship/marriage, if she has one/is in one. If she's single and wants a relationship with your DH, she would definitely be truthful if they have slept together. If she's married herself and doesn't want her DH to find out, she'd probably lie and say they haven't (if that is indeed a lie).

MatrixReloaded · 08/03/2016 12:09

I've contacted two ow and successfully got some version of the truth , meaning confirmation that they had slept together. In my case both were married and both initially denied it. This only changed when I made it clear I wasn't going to be lied to and I'd speak to their husband instead.

If ow is single I wouldn't bother.

Not knowing the truth is horrible , but something to think about is this. Would knowing he had slept with her make that much difference ? Would it be a deal breaker for you ?

Personally I'd assume he did and go from there.

Helmetbymidnight · 08/03/2016 12:11

Don't trust the OP to tell you the truth.

As for your DH? Adults who think themselves in love/lust will, given the opportunity, fuck. He had the opportunity. I think you have to face that.

Joysmum · 08/03/2016 12:11

You know that he put his wants before your needs by having (at bear minimum) and emotional affair.

You know that despite him knowing the hurt he's caused you by doing so, he once again put his wants above your needs and carried on hurting you because his relationship with her (whatever that might be) is more important than you.

That's all you need to know. You're second best.

Helmetbymidnight · 08/03/2016 12:12

Don't trust the OW I meant to say. Sorry op!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 08/03/2016 12:15

Hi OP.

Yes, the OW did (as much as I'll ever know) tell me the truth. She has a long-term partner too & was desperate to try to stop me speaking to him.

Allalonenow · 08/03/2016 12:17

Once found out, husbands generally minimize their actions, so if he has admitted to kissing, then you can assume they have had sex.

I understand your need to know, I felt like that too. But you will never find out the "real truth". He is a skilled liar, he has already betrayed you with his lies.

Who knows what the OW would do. She has no loyalty to you so why would you believe her story? She may see a future with him, or she may want to damage his marriage as much as she can, who knows?
It's not a good idea to contact her, it will only lead you to more worry and heartache.

Ludways · 08/03/2016 12:32

My do had an affair and I can tell you, the emotional part of it hurt more than the sex part of it. The thought of the emotional intimacy just floored me and reduced me to a wreck, the sex part although hurtful, wasn't as bad. Emotional affairs aren't "less than" a physical affair and you'll need to deal with that.

Plus, he'll have slept with her, those 2 quiet hours are screaming at me.

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate · 08/03/2016 12:32

Hmm. After months of sexting, and no doubt working themselves up into a frenzy, I would be very surprised that when they did finally hook up, they stopped at a kiss. Nah, no way. So, he in his version of events, he put his whole marriage on the line for a kiss and some texting? That almost sounds worse, in a way.

Helmetbymidnight · 08/03/2016 12:34

You don't feel comfortable asking the friends H went to stay with, I guess...

Kr1stina · 08/03/2016 12:35

So he swears he didn't sleep with her and I guess he COULD be telling the truth. He certainly seems genuine but he seemed genuine all the other times he lied to me

So you can't trust a work that comes out his mouth . You can't tell from his demeanour if he's lying . So how will you know when you are hearing " the truth " ?

I really need to know if he's lying but can't work out how to get the truth from him. I have considered asking the OW but not sure she will tell me and not sure if I want to go through the humiliation

You already said that you know he's lying . All your assumptions in your OP seem entirely logical to me . You CANNOT get the truth from him. He will just go on and on admitting only what he thinks you can prove .

Even if you find a hotel booking in his name, he will swear he was there alone .

If you find CCTV footage of them in the hotel together, he will say that she followed him there . Then he will swear she sleep on the sofa . Or he was just comforting her because she was upset over her grans death . Or that he let her stay because she was sucicidal but nothing happened . Or she was too drunk to go home alone.

Even if OW tells you they had sex, he will say that it meant nothing, he was drunk at the time . Or that she's a lying bitch . Or that he just did it because she threatened to tel you if he didn't .

If you ask him why he didn't confess earlier , he will say it's because he didn't want Hurt you because he loves you so much . You are so wonderful and you mean the world to him .