Husband affair advice :(

[kaelgr]

Found out my husband had an 'emotional' affair (with someone that lives a long way away), that he has admitted went as far as kissing. I don't believe him for lots of reasons:

1. He had every opportunity to sleep with her, as he went away for the weekend to visit friends near where she lives on two occasions during the 'affair'
2. His mobile phone records show at least one night where he stopped texting/contacting her from 8pm to 10am (having been contacting her the whole day that day), and on the previous occasion that he stayed with this same friend he text/called her right through the night up until 1am and then 7am the next morning. He couldn't give me an explanation of why the contact stopped.
3. When I found out he'd been having this affair he promised me to end contact with her but for 6 weeks he carried on speaking/texting her behind my back, deleting all evidence on his phone. But then I found out the truth by being Miss Marple. At his point he admitted it and said he regretted everything.

So he swears he didn't sleep with her and I guess he COULD be telling the truth. He certainly seems genuine but he seemed genuine all the other times he lied to me.

I really need to know if he's lying but can't work out how to get the truth from him. I have considered asking the OW but not sure she will tell me and not sure if I want to go through the humiliation

So confusing. I agree about them working themselves up to it and I know how intense it was. They text and called everyday for months. So much so that he had to pay an extra £300 one month on his phone bill...just before Christmas when I was out buying all the Christmas presents. It's all just so hurtful and I'm so depressed about it all. He says he regrets it and realised it was all a bit silly and wants to make a go if it but I'm wondering what his motives are. He wouldn't be able to afford to move into a place of his own in our home town so would have to move in with his parents back where he comes from, near where she lives. This is miles away from us (me and kids) and would mean giving up his business. I feel now like some space from him but it's not possible unless I move out with the kids which would mean massive upheaval for them

If it were a bit silly ( ) and he regretted it then he wouldn't have thought it important enough to hurt and have kept in touch and hidden it.

Nothing changed for him after you found out the first time.

What makes you think anything has changed in his attitude towards you and thoughts towards her now you've found out for the second time?

No way could I forgive my DP if he did this. As for saying it was all 'a bit silly' wtaf, talk about minimising what he's done

He's a known liar so I'd just assume he's lying and make your decisions accordingly.

Don't lower yourself to ask the ow.

If it's still going on she'll lie to protect him.

If it ended amicably she'll lie to protect him.

If it ended badly but she is still hoping he'll come back, she'll lie to protect him.

Plus, it gives her a sense of drama and importance that she doesn't deserve, and demonstrates that you are not fully reconciled should she be hoping to resume the affair.

I'm wondering what his motives are. He wouldn't be able to afford to move into a place of his own in our home town so would have to move in with his parents back where he comes from, near where she lives. This is miles away from us (me and kids) and would mean giving up his business.
There is the motive

He's looking for an easy trouble free life without financial problems, while he decides what to do.

He has several options;
leave you for OW
save up enough money to start up on his own
stay in his marriage until he finds someone else to "be a bit silly with"
keep OW on the back burner
No doubt he has thought of a few more for himself, though I doubt that one of them is to become a reformed character and a loyal true faithful and devoted husband to you.
So that's his motive kaelgr.

Songbird16 i agree which is why I haven't contacted her so far. Don't want to think she a 'something'.

all a bit silly ? That's got to be the understatement of this year , patronising bastard.
Personally I'd never trust him again; he's just waiting until it's convenient for him to leave. Help him to make his mind up and kick him out.

Who cares if he's no where to go, do you think he would show you the same courtesy if it was you that cheated? He's obviously lying, he will do anything to stop you finding out the truth.

Total liar he is believe me, he's just waiting on someone to take him on then he will be off - and he can rent a room surely, they are not that expensive, don't know how you can have him in your eye vision, get rid OP, he's going to either continue or do this to you again, he doesn't give a shit, he's sorry you found out.