Relationship has very suddenly hit a crunch point - confused and upset

[Whirlydervish]

After a marriage which ended badly after an affair and some ea some years ago, I've picked myself up and have a generally happy, very independent life. I've sorted out a lovely home, am doing well in my job, have great friends and the dcs are thriving. I'm proud of this tbh.

I've been with dp since about a year after separation. We generally get on brilliantly, he makes me laugh, we're affectionate and we have lots in common. We don't live together (for practical and financial reasons), I spend child free weekends with him, he's here when the dcs are. He has a stressful time consuming job, but often takes on additional duties and study which makes this worse. These eat into his time and energy to the extent there's very little left for me.

Things came to a head out of the blue this weekend when I accepted a party invite for a future weekend without realising he'd committed to something work related. (He hadn't told me) Rather then discuss this and come to an agreement, he flew off the handle (I think, in anticipation that I'd be hacked off) and laid into me about how I didn't understand his job, and because I "take lunch breaks and organise raffles" (I'm in a management level job fwiw) I can't possibly imagine the pressure he's under. It wasn't the argument but the way he was which really bothered me - he had a nasty tone which

I got upset because I felt he was just belittling me and because the argument felt unexpected and unfair. His job, though hard, is not life and death and comes with a good deal of perks, whereas being a working single parent without any family support really doesn't tbh. I feel stretched and tired virtually all of the time. I don't think he gets how relentless it is. I don't make him feel bad because of that. It's just the way it is right now.

I felt I got a real wake up call about how he sees me and it's really shaken me. I think it's also triggered some of the feelings I had after arguments with Xh, who was just contemptuous towards me by the end. The same gut churning feeling. Dp and I have no dcs together, no financial ties, I'm not actually reliant on him in any way at all and the temptation to just walk away from this is really strong. He's apologised and I don't doubt he means it, but I'm struggling to get past it. I'm unsure if I'm over reacting so I've asked for space to think it through.

Thanks for reading, it's helped just to get it out.

[Whirlydervish]

Sanddunes, thanks for sharing and my sympathies!

It's horrible when you get to the holidays, think it will get better and then there's still work or they're too knackered to do much. I think that's why we've travelled so much. It helps break the cycle.

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

Don't beat yourself up for being in the relationship, pat yourself on the back for recognising something isn't right and seeking help and advice.
Trust your gut. It's telling you it's not right so listen x

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

I remember in a past relationship it just took one argument for me to suddenly see all his colours at once. Lots of little things fell jnto place and I never felt the same about him again. I ended it shortly afterwards.
I realised he actually despised me

[MaybeDoctor]

Some rather unpleasant and ignorant generalising about teachers on this thread.

I spent ten years as a teacher. I have also spent eight years in other professional/graduate-level jobs, both before and after my time as a teacher. They were/are pretty easy to handle compared to the relentless emotional exhaustion of teaching. For many years my working hours kept pace with and even exceeded those of my husband, a high-status professional in the City of London.

OP: that shark cage article is great. Think seriously about what that interaction with your DP tells you about the relationship. But his behaviour has very little to do with the characteristics of 'teachers' or 'teaching' in general.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

I don't think you can say its generalised when it is our direct experience Maybe. Neither it is ignorant. It isn't very nice, but that doesn't stop it being my personal experience, and apparently that of Dr. And I say that as someone who trained as a teacher. That's largely the reason I don't practise.

[wasninah]

I don't think it's because he's a teacher, more likely because he's a knob. And sure, a Venn diagram of teachers and knobs would have some overlap. As with most professions.

[Whirlydervish]

In fairness, I've worked with a fair few knobs in my job too. They get everywhere.

[whattheseithakasmean]

I'm married to a teacher and he is pretty easy going & easy to live with. He certainly darent play the 'woe is me' card because he gets do many damn holidays it practically counts as part time. I think the fact he had a ridiculously long hours job in a high pressure industry and dropped out to retrain as a teacher helps - he doesn't take the holidays for granted as sadly so many who have worked outside the profession seem to.

[wasninah]

Sounds like you've outgrown him, whirly. My first relationship after separating was with a pleasant enough lighting engineer who made model trains. It just ran out of steam (sorry - true despite the pun). Around the same time scale, too.

[Whirlydervish]

Thanks all. I feel a lot better and calmer about things. I spoke to him tonight. He's said several times how sorry he is and that it wasn't acceptable behaviour. He's suggested some changes he can make which could help. We're having space for the moment. I'll make my mind up once I know I'm doing it rationally. I think it will answer itself though. I'm independent enough that I'll be ok.

I've also decided i'm off to have some counselling. I've found it massively useful in the past. He triggered a huge reaction response I didn't know was still there so I probably need to make sure I process and get rid of it all rather than carry it into future relationships.

[springydaffs]

Out of the heart the mouth speaks. He meant what he said in a moment of stress. Yy he recognises it's unacceptable to have said it but it doesn't change that it's what he really thinks.

Poor him eh. Nobody has it so hard

[springydaffs]

Good article about the Shark Cage. Though the ' checklist ' was disappointing bcs those are very obvious boundary violations. Ime men /everyone is much more socialised these days and abuse much more subtle.

Imo your great shock at the way he behaved was your alarm going off. What he did stands alone re your level of shock wasn't due to past trauma being triggered but bcs what he said squarely locates him. Regardless what you may have experienced before.

[SandunesAndRainclouds]

The Venn diagram made me chuckle.

I've met lovely, lovely teachers and I've also met some right knobbers. Remember that teacher at school who thought their subject was more important than any other? They still exist.

DH certainly appreciates the holidays, particularly the summer break. In the half term breaks he works through to catch up on all of the day-to-day stuff that gets sidelined.

Luckily DH is not the sort that thinks his job, and therefore his place in society is more important than anyone else. He occasionally speaks to me like I'm 13 but I don't tolerate it.

I think it would be difficult to find anyone in a high responsibility role who doesn't bring some of the stresses into home life and their relationships outside of their job. I guess what matters is if everything else about them makes that tolerable, and you are able to support that need to blow off steam, and it is still an acceptable way to behave rather than becoming destructive.

Good luck Whirly I genuinely wish you all the best for whatever comes next for you.