Relationship has very suddenly hit a crunch point - confused and upset

[Whirlydervish]

After a marriage which ended badly after an affair and some ea some years ago, I've picked myself up and have a generally happy, very independent life. I've sorted out a lovely home, am doing well in my job, have great friends and the dcs are thriving. I'm proud of this tbh.

I've been with dp since about a year after separation. We generally get on brilliantly, he makes me laugh, we're affectionate and we have lots in common. We don't live together (for practical and financial reasons), I spend child free weekends with him, he's here when the dcs are. He has a stressful time consuming job, but often takes on additional duties and study which makes this worse. These eat into his time and energy to the extent there's very little left for me.

Things came to a head out of the blue this weekend when I accepted a party invite for a future weekend without realising he'd committed to something work related. (He hadn't told me) Rather then discuss this and come to an agreement, he flew off the handle (I think, in anticipation that I'd be hacked off) and laid into me about how I didn't understand his job, and because I "take lunch breaks and organise raffles" (I'm in a management level job fwiw) I can't possibly imagine the pressure he's under. It wasn't the argument but the way he was which really bothered me - he had a nasty tone which

I got upset because I felt he was just belittling me and because the argument felt unexpected and unfair. His job, though hard, is not life and death and comes with a good deal of perks, whereas being a working single parent without any family support really doesn't tbh. I feel stretched and tired virtually all of the time. I don't think he gets how relentless it is. I don't make him feel bad because of that. It's just the way it is right now.

I felt I got a real wake up call about how he sees me and it's really shaken me. I think it's also triggered some of the feelings I had after arguments with Xh, who was just contemptuous towards me by the end. The same gut churning feeling. Dp and I have no dcs together, no financial ties, I'm not actually reliant on him in any way at all and the temptation to just walk away from this is really strong. He's apologised and I don't doubt he means it, but I'm struggling to get past it. I'm unsure if I'm over reacting so I've asked for space to think it through.

Thanks for reading, it's helped just to get it out.

[SandunesAndRainclouds]

The Venn diagram made me chuckle.

I've met lovely, lovely teachers and I've also met some right knobbers. Remember that teacher at school who thought their subject was more important than any other? They still exist.

DH certainly appreciates the holidays, particularly the summer break. In the half term breaks he works through to catch up on all of the day-to-day stuff that gets sidelined.

Luckily DH is not the sort that thinks his job, and therefore his place in society is more important than anyone else. He occasionally speaks to me like I'm 13 but I don't tolerate it.

I think it would be difficult to find anyone in a high responsibility role who doesn't bring some of the stresses into home life and their relationships outside of their job. I guess what matters is if everything else about them makes that tolerable, and you are able to support that need to blow off steam, and it is still an acceptable way to behave rather than becoming destructive.

Good luck Whirly I genuinely wish you all the best for whatever comes next for you.

[springydaffs]

Good article about the Shark Cage. Though the ' checklist ' was disappointing bcs those are very obvious boundary violations. Ime men /everyone is much more socialised these days and abuse much more subtle.

Imo your great shock at the way he behaved was your alarm going off. What he did stands alone re your level of shock wasn't due to past trauma being triggered but bcs what he said squarely locates him. Regardless what you may have experienced before.

[springydaffs]

Out of the heart the mouth speaks. He meant what he said in a moment of stress. Yy he recognises it's unacceptable to have said it but it doesn't change that it's what he really thinks.

Poor him eh. Nobody has it so hard

[Whirlydervish]

Thanks all. I feel a lot better and calmer about things. I spoke to him tonight. He's said several times how sorry he is and that it wasn't acceptable behaviour. He's suggested some changes he can make which could help. We're having space for the moment. I'll make my mind up once I know I'm doing it rationally. I think it will answer itself though. I'm independent enough that I'll be ok.

I've also decided i'm off to have some counselling. I've found it massively useful in the past. He triggered a huge reaction response I didn't know was still there so I probably need to make sure I process and get rid of it all rather than carry it into future relationships.

[wasninah]

Sounds like you've outgrown him, whirly. My first relationship after separating was with a pleasant enough lighting engineer who made model trains. It just ran out of steam (sorry - true despite the pun). Around the same time scale, too.

[whattheseithakasmean]

I'm married to a teacher and he is pretty easy going & easy to live with. He certainly darent play the 'woe is me' card because he gets do many damn holidays it practically counts as part time. I think the fact he had a ridiculously long hours job in a high pressure industry and dropped out to retrain as a teacher helps - he doesn't take the holidays for granted as sadly so many who have worked outside the profession seem to.

[Whirlydervish]

In fairness, I've worked with a fair few knobs in my job too. They get everywhere.

[wasninah]

I don't think it's because he's a teacher, more likely because he's a knob. And sure, a Venn diagram of teachers and knobs would have some overlap. As with most professions.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

I don't think you can say its generalised when it is our direct experience Maybe. Neither it is ignorant. It isn't very nice, but that doesn't stop it being my personal experience, and apparently that of Dr. And I say that as someone who trained as a teacher. That's largely the reason I don't practise.

[MaybeDoctor]

Some rather unpleasant and ignorant generalising about teachers on this thread.

I spent ten years as a teacher. I have also spent eight years in other professional/graduate-level jobs, both before and after my time as a teacher. They were/are pretty easy to handle compared to the relentless emotional exhaustion of teaching. For many years my working hours kept pace with and even exceeded those of my husband, a high-status professional in the City of London.

OP: that shark cage article is great. Think seriously about what that interaction with your DP tells you about the relationship. But his behaviour has very little to do with the characteristics of 'teachers' or 'teaching' in general.

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

I remember in a past relationship it just took one argument for me to suddenly see all his colours at once. Lots of little things fell jnto place and I never felt the same about him again. I ended it shortly afterwards.
I realised he actually despised me

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

Don't beat yourself up for being in the relationship, pat yourself on the back for recognising something isn't right and seeking help and advice.
Trust your gut. It's telling you it's not right so listen x

[Whirlydervish]

Sanddunes, thanks for sharing and my sympathies!

It's horrible when you get to the holidays, think it will get better and then there's still work or they're too knackered to do much. I think that's why we've travelled so much. It helps break the cycle.

[SandunesAndRainclouds]

I'm married to a teacher. I'm also married to his job.

His work list is endless. The pressure is endless. Before DCs I worked in a senior health care role, which was high pressure, life or death decisions. I'd take that over being a teacher any day!

I also get why divorce rates are high, and why many teachers are married to teachers. The work isn't left behind at the end of the day or during the 'holidays'... It is as much a part of home life as it is work life and it can be very, very frustrating especially when he talks to me like I'm in Year 9

The unions aren't that great, and support within the job is minimal. Other people's children are always more important than your own.

There's not much positive stuff there about my DH's job, is there?

[Whirlydervish]

Interesting points, thank you all. I think the majority of teachers do an incredible job. I don't doubt it's tough. I wouldn't want to do it. But there just seems to be a block in that sector in understanding that others work very hard in long hours in their jobs too. I go out for drinks with them and the moaning is endless. They have unions to fight their corner over every little thing. They push back constantly. I wouldn't want to be in management in a school for any money.

It would be really interesting to see if any other partners feel the same - if it pervades their home lives too. Perhaps I should start a thread. Apparently the divorce rate is sky high and I can understand why.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

What DrM said above. I have met some nice, well-adjusted teachers, but these were in the minority :( . I think when people are intelligent, and socially skilled, they manage to cover up some of their 'ishoos' most of the time. What you are seeing here is 'leakage' of that nasty controlling misogony unfortunately. Left to continue, and in a living together relationship, I think he could get worse, sorry.

[DrMorbius]

Op - I will generalise (to save time) I have never met more than a couple of teachers, I would employ myself. The rest I wouldn't pay in buttons. The problem is they go to school, go to college, go to uni and then go back to school. They don't mature with adults like the rest of us have to. In some respects that are just adult kids in the school.

As for having a relationship with one.... I would rather stay single. Hearing about the latest staff room squabble would drive me insane.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

I also think this relationship has run it's course. Term over, adios, amigo.

Perhaps it has been a slow drip, or maybe not, but he seems to be using you (so you are his personal chef?). Not only that, but he seems to expect you to go into invisible mode and become an extension of his life...you sacrifice but he doesn't.

He is very dismissive of you. That is the real him, isn't it?

Trust your gut.

[Hissy]

In my experience our recovery from bad marriages/relationships in terms of putting ourselves back out there is that the first (couple/few) relationships are training relationships.

This guy doesn't respect you, he thinks he's better than you. (He's most definitely not!) thank god he doesn't want kids, there's a crap dad right there.

Use this relationship as a stepping stone. You've learned a lot about yourself and what is And isn't acceptable, he's not the Forever Guy.

Don't waste another day on him, move onwards and upwards.

[Whirlydervish]

Peace, I'm really not sure any more. It used to be love, affection, friendship and support. We went off and had adventures together exploring new places all over the world. Watched films, took long walks, lazed about and read, ate out and got giggly on champagne. Made new friends and hung out together.

He was exactly what I needed when I was newly dating post divorce. I don't think he is now.

[Whirlydervish]

No he doesn't have children nor want his own. He was married before and it was a choice they made and his mind hasn't changed. He rightly understands he doesn't have the time to give any dcs if he does everything else. I do respect this and it's no issue - it actually makes things less complicated for us. He gets on well with mine and they are always happy to see him. He's very good with them - the right balance of kind and firm.

We've actually been together a few years but recently rather than going with the flow, I've been evaluating where it's all going. And realised we're really not in a position to move in together as was the tenuous plan.

[peaceoftheaction]

It's not just him not being able to handle stress though - he's belittling your job and making you 'one down'
That's aside from what seems to be lack of empathy for your tough circumstances. He's happy to let you arrange feeding him too. What are you getting out of the relationship?

[LuckyTr33]

Does he have children ?

Cooking ? - eat out or take away

I would have some time on your own and take time to decide if you want to continue with this relationship

What effort does he put into the relationship ?

Arguements when you have not been together long is not a good sign for the future

I think your sixth sense is telling you something

[Whirlydervish]

Thank you mamaka. Really interesting article. Made me think about the early cage violations - a sharp tone or unreasonable response to a change in plans. Interesting that he doesn't fit any of the list of shark criteria there. Physically, he's extremely respectful of me too. I remember noticing that early on and that element hasn't changed.

I suspect for him it comes down to an innate inability to handle stress or pressure. Not up to me to bear the brunt or to fix it though. It's exhausting.

[Whirlydervish]

Thank you never, that's really astute.

I am happy to be independent and self sufficient but just now and again I'd love to be looked after a bit and have my needs put first, or at least given some equal weighting.

That's just not happening enough here. My needs aren't consistently being met and It leaves me wondering if I'm being demanding. Realistically I know I'm not. Silly things like always having to cook and plan meals, whether at mine or his. He never has any food in. He'd live off cereal,or pasta. We're both functioning adults. I've got 2 dcs to think about. I don't want to be planning shopping for another adult in a different house as well. I haven't got the energy.