Are we morally obliged to maintain sibling relationships purely "because we are family"

[SeamusHeanysaunt]

How obliged are we (morally I mean or otherwise) to maintain sibling relationships because "we are family"?

Are we obliged to maintain relationships with our siblings on the basis that we happen to have emerged from the same womb, even though we don't like them as people very much?

I'm feeling very confused atm and would welcome any advice/insights. (I've name-changed for this btw).

The context is that I come from a large family that was seemingly very close; well, we all maintained that illusion when we were young. We are still close in some ways (well much closer than some siblings I know) but are now middle-aged and have our own busy lives and we all have very strong individual personalities. Since our parents died, a few fissures have started to appear in our relationships. (I am sure I am to blame for these as much as anyone else btw.)

And it has occurred to me that although I love a certain number (trying not to be too specific here!) of my siblings; I don't really like them very much and it really wouldn't bother me that much if I didn't spend much time with them ever again. We have quite different outlooks in terms of politics, religion, attitude to money, ways of living, ways of child-rearing and I just don't seem to have that much in common with them any more.

Dh though says I am closer to them than I think and if anything happened to them I would be devastated.

But after a series of conflicts and minor arguments (that I think reflect more major schisms) I am not sure how I feel anymore.

I know for sure that we are not the "one big happy family" we were all conditioned to think we were.

What do you all think?

That's a good suggestion Springy I think there is a topic for large families on here - perhaps I should ask there. I think the problem with large families (I should add that they have many advantages too) is that the offspring are almost pre-programmed to compete for the attention of their parents (which doesn't establish a good basis for their relationships as adults) and there are enough people involved to be able to form different factions with ever-changing loyalites and the communication can end up like a game of chinese whispers ... . The complexities are endless and oh so wearying after a while.

Glad it's not just us anyway

As long as you are confident that you gave it your best shot LaPharisienne then you have no reason to feel guilty.

Quite serious ' bickering ' sometimes too. Eg my friend had a very depressed daughter and The Family were very disapproving of not only my friend's parenting but the daughter's illness. It put immense pressure on my friend bcs her family were practically like the mafia. There had to be a consensus on everything - only that was impossible to achieve, particularly with all the jockeying for top dog position. They couldn't agree on anything and that's what all the bickering was about.

My dh has 4 siblings and he's not seen 3 of them for at least 4 years only saw the other one because they were at his parents house visiting and we popped in even then the shitty remarks started he is quite happy not to have any thing to do with them

Conkers That's v sad about your brother but maybe as he gets older he will come to see the error of his ways.

Yes a large part of why I am still trying is for the sake of the dc in the family. (And yes the ever-expanding addition of sister and brother in laws makes the complications even more "interesting".)

Fair enough Lorelei!

Thanks for everyone's input. Need to get to bed now but going to speak to one of my more "difficult" siblings tomorrow about an important family event so all the posts on this thread have been invaluable. Think I will be a bit more determined about setting (hopefully fair) boundaries now. Thanks again.

xposts

Springy that sounds truly awful - the poor daughter - and her parents. Can totally understand it though (unfortunately).

That sounds v difficult too Purple

Families eh?

Dh and his sibling hate each other never got on they triied after mil died it was false and hopeless they no longer speak its sad but there is no point even if you are family

My sibling certainly thinks I am morally obliged.

Sadly I had to go for the nuclear option in the end, but generally I would advocate keeping civil because families can be amazing in the way that friends can't. There is something about 'kin' that touches us very deeply, and leaves a huge wound when it breaks down.

Have you seen Everybody's Fine movie? It's about families. In that kind of context.

I think you should maintain sibling relationships, the best way you can, 'because they are family', but not to the point of babysitting them, counselling them, and so on. Not at the expense of your own family well-being basically.

I have two older siblings, and as children we were always fighting, I have no fond childhood memories of interacting with my siblings at all. As adults, oldest is very hard work (unchecked depression, possible asperger's traits etc). Well, meaning, but quite tiring. I make a point of visiting them as often as I can, so once in a month or two. It's emotionally draining most of the time, but this is the situation where I think it is indeed obligatory to maintain a relationship because we're a family. Another sibling is in a different country, so we have a convenient distance/expense excuse to not see each other. When we do see each other, it's all good. But in between - nothing.

However, I was sexually abused by an older cousin as a child, and this is where 'being nice to people because they're family' rule really backfires. I adored this cousin big time when I was a child, but for the wrong reasons.

So, basically, everything in moderation...

I'm the youngest of a very large family and have had the very same dilemma for a year or two. No particular reason for breaking contact as they are all pretty level headed and still keep in contact but I just can't be bothered anymore. If any of them stopped initiating contact I'd probably never see or speak to them again. My mother pretty much was the glue but it almost feels a bit forced since she passed and would be more natural if we all drifted our separate ways. It'll never happen though as each time I think ones decided to cut contact they turn up at the next family gathering.
I'm pretty sure some of them would be quite hurt if they knew my feelings regarding this which is probably why the guilt kicks in and I end up making an effort. As I say though I really just can't be bothered. I'm sure it's how nature would have it tbh.

No there should be no obligation to soldier on with a negative sibling relationship but maybe worth keeping an open mind.

I cannot begin to describe how different my Dbro and I were growing up. We absolutely detested each other not aided by a fractured childhood. I am the play it safe type DBro was the risk taker

But over the years we grew to respect each other and after many years of being negative towards each other making disparaging comments and using every opportunity to have digs we gradually learnt to love each others' differences and cut each other some slack. It took effort on both sides and we did have to make allowances. But the respect definitely grew over time.

Dbro died 2 weeks ago and the 4 days I spent in the hospice with him was a revelation no longer did I see him as an annoying toe rag who I had nothing In common with but as a brave and witty man who I was massively proud of. We came a bloody long way on our journey. We may not have had those precious and enriching hours had we not given each other a chance.

That said I don't believe in struggling along with a toxic relationship if one or other of the siblings is abusive or not prepared to show any respect. From that perspective it's like any other relationship it needs good behaviour thrown into the mix.

Some more really interesting perspectives here

JohnThomas At the risk of sounding holier than thou, I'm not sure that "not being bothered" would personally be a good enough reason for me to let a relationship slide, but people may have many differing justifiable reasons. And if the relationships seems forced, false and hopeless (as MrsJayy said) and people are just going through the motions, then I can understand why you wouldn't want to continue.

I definitely shouldn't make assumptions here or generalisations but just in my personal experience, the male members of the family seem to be a lot worse at initiating contact, maintaining it and doing things like birthday presents for nieces and nephews etc than the females (but that's probably for another thread).

Daisychain what an incredible post and I'm very sorry for your loss. I think your experience proves that sometimes forgiveness and persistence is the way forward. But it has to come from both sides.

StuffEverywhere that makes total sense and I shall certainly keep an eye out for that film. Obviously agree about putting proper boundaries in place where abuse is concerned. (Should have made that clear in op.) I'm very sorry you had to go through that awful experience.

I too find interaction with certain siblings increasingly draining nowadays, emotionally and logistically! But it's the emotional bit that gets to me every time!

Imbroglio what you say about kin being important is why I started this thread really. I am trying to pin down why exactly and am still not sure I know! But I agree with you.

Johnthomas sorry have just read that back and I hope it doesn't sound too overly critical. Think your post hit a nerve because two of my brothers "just can't be bothered" and yet they get very stroppy on the odd occasion when presents for their other halves or dcs don't arrive on time etc.

Seamus My Dsis was the only one of us who was privately educated, she passed the 11+ and got a place. That system had ended before I was old enough. She has always thought she is superior to the rest of us.

She is 8 years older than me and we did not get along as kids. We got closer as we got older and had DC of our own. Our DC are all adults now and I get on well with her DC.
We have always exchanged gifts for DC and OH's at bdays/Xmas even though they are adults.
She is a difficult person imo. We used to meet at each others homes for a family meal a couple of times a year, at her insistence, but I like her less and less. She is very sneering about the other siblings and looks down on them.

I went for a meal with her and neice earlier this year and she flew off the handle and got angry with me for no reason. I couldn't understand what was going on. Niece apologised and said I'd done nothing wrong but I went home thinking - I'm an adult and don't need to put up with that crap anymore. I have been round there since with DH despite vowing never to see her again and she acted like nothing had happened. I just think life is too short.

Sorry for the epic post and to everyone else who has difficulties with family

If it wasn't for my sis in law I'd see less of my brother . We just don't click. We love each other but we aren't close. My sis and I get on fine

I think there is something very primal about being family - probably to do with perpetuating the genes.

I think that parents generally want siblings to get on (so that more of their children and grandchildren thrive and survive) but siblings will naturally compete and this can be a tricky dynamic.

SeamusHeanysaunt, yes of course where abuse is concerned you wouldn't contemplate the question of whether you should be maintaining contact with your abuser or not, the answer is obvious.

But I also meant that part of the reason of why the abuse started in the first place and continued for some years was that my parents and their siblings, in my view, were 'playing nice families' and were spending excessive amounts of time together out of duty (they definitely didn't like each other); and they were all teaching their own kids to do the same - to spend time with cousins whether you like it or not. It created excellent environment for abuse. As kids, we were never asked whether we wanted to see cousins. It just was a done thing.

I have three brothers and we are all very different. If we were not related there is no way I'd be friends with any of them. But we are related and I think that in the absence of abuse or downright horridness, blood is thicker than water.

That said it is friends I turn to for support or crisis. ( obviously dh first). My brothers are much more for the odd social. One lives nearby and I see his DC and enjoy this but again, they are totally different from me in all areas of life.

One thing that keeps cropping up is the so called important events such as Christmas when over and over there is disappointment and disharmony. These times are absolutely loaded with expectations and very long held memories and resentments. Sibling rivalry never fully disappears. Some immature people carry this on all their lives. For those who feel a need to have contact for family sake but not too much can I suggest something much less emotional? Try organising a family picnic or pub lunch. Casual, come if you can for a catch up but no problem if you can't.

This won't always work if there are huge distances involved but there are variations. The OP says she's not sure how she would feel if something terrible happened. My gut feeling is that she would be more upset than she expects. Life is short and there should be no regrets. IMO No Contact should be reserved for serious 'crimes' and low to medium contact is the way forward. And low expectations.

My siblings are great people but I do think that sibling relationships wax and wane. There are stages in life when you have more in common with them, and stages when you have less. I would say that if possible, don't reach any major breaking point, just see them less. I'd agree with Matilda as well that letting them know you'd love to drop in on the way to XX is much less extreme than Christmas or whatever.

Matilda

I suspect that you didn't mean it this way but

"immature" is something that I have have been called a lot due to breaking ties with my brother. It is a term like so many that pushes the blame on to the one that suffers the abuse rubbish in the relationship.

I get called immature, he gets excused as its "just the way that he is", my parting words to the last person that said it was "he can be "like" what he wants, but I don't have to put up with it", this was laughed at by those in the room.

"Life is short and there should be no regrets. IMO No Contact should be reserved for serious 'crimes' and low to medium contact is the way forward. And low expectations."

Frankly my life is too short to lower my expectations for arseholes,

I have several mantras that I repeat, the one that fits this is

"treat me right or fuck off"

Why should my family get away with less than I would expect from a life partner?