Are we morally obliged to maintain sibling relationships purely "because we are family"

[SeamusHeanysaunt]

How obliged are we (morally I mean or otherwise) to maintain sibling relationships because "we are family"?

Are we obliged to maintain relationships with our siblings on the basis that we happen to have emerged from the same womb, even though we don't like them as people very much?

I'm feeling very confused atm and would welcome any advice/insights. (I've name-changed for this btw).

The context is that I come from a large family that was seemingly very close; well, we all maintained that illusion when we were young. We are still close in some ways (well much closer than some siblings I know) but are now middle-aged and have our own busy lives and we all have very strong individual personalities. Since our parents died, a few fissures have started to appear in our relationships. (I am sure I am to blame for these as much as anyone else btw.)

And it has occurred to me that although I love a certain number (trying not to be too specific here!) of my siblings; I don't really like them very much and it really wouldn't bother me that much if I didn't spend much time with them ever again. We have quite different outlooks in terms of politics, religion, attitude to money, ways of living, ways of child-rearing and I just don't seem to have that much in common with them any more.

Dh though says I am closer to them than I think and if anything happened to them I would be devastated.

But after a series of conflicts and minor arguments (that I think reflect more major schisms) I am not sure how I feel anymore.

I know for sure that we are not the "one big happy family" we were all conditioned to think we were.

What do you all think?

That sounds tough, OP. It's not nice to be made out to be the 'bad guy' when actually you're trying to help your taken advantage of sibling. It sounds like a bit of healthy distance might be a good thing for you.

Do you think we will all feel differently when our dc have grown up and our oh's have died and we wish we had maintained friendly relations with our siblings?

You do hear of loads of people dying alone nowadays. [Sorry for being morbid.]

I will have to think about it some more. It's just whenever we do meet up, we end up having massive rows or we narrowly avoid having massive rows and then it all festers until next time ... . Perhaps this is normal? I don't know... .

Thanks Stepaway! I'm afraid that level of tension at Christmas sounds all too familiar to me. Sorry you are going through it too.

No, you don't have to be in contact with them at all. If your parents are still alive, then yes, I think you should maintain contact since you don't really not get along. But your final ties are gone now, and you don't have to maintain that happy family pretense.

I think the thing to do is to cultivate a strong circle of friends. My NDN is a widow, but she has a good group of friends (who all appear to be widowed too). She's always out and about with them, or they're popping round to visit, etc. She's also very involved in church things (her late husband had been a vicar) so she gets a lot of support and has lots to keep her entertained.

I'm not sure having siblings you don't actually like (at all) around would be an improvement on being alone.

I tried to maintain a relationship with my siblings after our parents died but it became very difficult as years old hurts and annoyances came to the fore ( and no parent to referee )
I am in touch with one sibling but the others are not in touch at all.
I have a clean conscience as I did try but have had to accept, sadly, that we are all making our way in the world without each other.

you are not morally obliged to be being treated like shit because someone is related to you.

This is the last time I was involved in communication with my older brother and only sibling. This is his text Dec 23rd 2010.

"Your parcel arrived, thank you very much. Due to an apparent apathy from most of my close family members for my new family I decided not to worry about Christmas presents at all! That may seem hard and not remotely in the spirit of Christmas but until somebody with the appropriate communicative skill tells me what we've done that's so awful I intend to just keep a low profile. TTFN."

Since then he has frequently tried to communicate with me but I have remained resolute. My husband was quite perplexed at my reaction of wanting to go NC, so I told him the extent of the bullying that I suffered at his hands, and on 2 occasions, sexual abuse.

AFAIK, my DDad and SM are unaware of that particular detail, but my Dad now recognises that I don't like my brother. In fact, when Dad broached getting back in touch with him at Christmas ("because he's your brother"), I told him in no uncertain terms that I have no intention to do that as I don't actually like him (my brother; relationship with Dad is fine) but I see no reason to tell him everything.

My brother spreads poison wherever he goes and the worst thing I ever did was introduce him to my best friend from school, as when they were married for 5 years he simply shifted from me to her, but luckily she got away from him.

I'd love to be close to my brother but we just have nothing in common. We live a couple of miles apart but only really see each other at Xmas and our parents birthdays.
We never argue. We just have very little conversation.
I hope if he ever has a child then my ds can know his cousin. Maybe that would help? Who knows. I'm closer to one of my cousins than I am to my brother and that feels odd.

I agree with you totally Boney but my circumstances aren't quite as black and white as that (although it might be a lot simpler if they were!).

And interesting to know that it is not unusual for relationships to break down once parents have died. It came as a shock to me but I know now I was very naieve about this.

Also, it is difficult to maintain relationships when the only times we meet up (family weddings, christenings, Christmases etc are always a bit fraught). You don't really get time to "be real" with one another if that makes sense. So that adds to the tension as nothing ever gets resolved or moves on.

Yes, I think friends are probably the way to go. But I would still call one of my (many) sisters if something dreadful happened at 3am (and vice versa).

Still can't make my mind up but really interested to hear everyone's experiences, thank you.

Crikey Meow I'm so sorry you had to go through that experience. And it must make it so much worse that your brother is in total denial about it. Simply awful for you. How can he? Quite right to put firm barriers in place there. Sorry you don't feel able to share it with your dad either.

Museum That is sad about your brother. There are huge numbers of cousins in our family and they get on at a superficial level but sadly, owing to huge disparities of age and upbringing, their alliances are a bit shaky. But perhaps they will form bonds when they are older? I hope so. Funnily enough I have two cousins to whom I am very close and I really value my relationships with them.

I don't see a moral obligation
I'm close with my sis, we like each other, have fun, lots on common, look after each other.

I certainly wouldn't see her often if I didn't like her!

Btw I don't believe in obligation to parents either, they chose to have children as free people.

This is an interesting thread. Here's my situation;

I have two half-sisters. One who is five years my senior, who I was brought up with (same Mum). Another who is 18 years my senior, who I would see a couple of times a year whilst I was growing up (same Dad).

The sister I lived with whilst growing up, who is only five years older, is so so different to me. We're literally like chalk and cheese, black/white (people can never believe we're related as we even look opposite). We have nothing in common except that we're both Mums now. Our Mum died three years ago, and although my sister only lives 25 mins away, we don't bother with each other much. I only make the effort (and it is an effort) because I'd like my kids to have a relationship with their cousin.

My much older sister and I are best friends. We are very, very similar in most ways (sense of humour, relaxed personalities, music tastes etc). We are both NC with our biological father (violent alcoholic). She lives 90 mins away, but we see each other very regularly.

I guess I'm happy in that if you think of it rationally, you choose to spend time with people you like and get on with, who make you smile and feel good about yourself. Life is short.

Maybe just keep things civil with the siblings you're not close to OP, but spend time with the ones you get on with? Good luck.

Thanks Breton good that you feel reconciled to the situation. I would love to just visit the siblings that I get on with (and as a matter of fact already do this to some extent because my dc favour certain aunts and uncles who, surprise surprise, tend to be the ones I also get on with best) but it causes no end of jealousy and recrimination which makes every visit an ordeal ifyswim because you end up worrying about 'what the other ones are thinking' [sigh] Even worse, these petty jealousies are never overtly stated, just referred to in a very passive aggressive manner.

And yes, life is short. It's that that is making me reconsider all of this really.

Great that you have that closeness with your sister Lorelei (all the better for being freely chosen).

Not sure I can agree with you about parents though. I know what you are saying ie no one forces someone to have dc. But parents give you the gift of life (in most but not all circumstances) have provided the basics such as food, clothes, warmth, protection etc. Having said that, I wouldn't want my dc to put their own lives on hold to look after me.

Maybe the problem here is your yardstick - Long Lost Families and 24hrs in A&E. Fwiw when I watch the latter I turn the volume off at the beginning to avoid the families /love guff. Do you know how long it lasts? 5 minutes! I know this Some families have that but I don't and a lot of people don't.

It sounds like you'd love all that close stuff me too but it just isn't happening. It also sounds like they're there for you when it matters unlike mine which imo is the important thing.

Iiwy I'd continue to see and build on the relationships with the ones you get on with - but you don't have to buddy up with the ones you don't like. You're not an organic mass, you're individuals. Some people get on, some don't, regardless whether you're related.

I do think though that nc is the nuclear option and only necessary in extreme circs. That said, I am nc with my siblings (they qualify on the 'extreme' criteria) but if they weren't a toxic brood,only irritating /tiresome etc I would keep up sporadic contact. We don't know what is ahead. Having no family is no fun of I'm absolutely honest.. (tho necessary in my situation).

That all makes absolute sense Springydaff; esp your third para.

(Disclaimer: those progs aren't my only yardstick btw; I was using them to illustrate a point. Although I suppose I take note of what the doctors and nurses say because I reckon they see extremes of life and relationships and situations concentrated in to a few small vital hours. Most of my friends in rl have very close relationships with their siblings and also complain to me about them for hours on end)

Sorry to hear you've had to go nc through necessity but you sound v wise about it.

Those two progs are two of my favourites

I am NC with my only sibling and since I did it, my overwhelming question to myself is to wonder why on earth I put up with all that crappy behaviour for so many years.

Lol springy

Yes, it's good to see people go through adversity and come out the other side (most of the time anyway).

That's certainly worth thinking about Kitty thanks

I tried for years with my sibling - useless and if anything made things worse rather than better - am now nc.

I still feel residual guilt about not being more patient etc. particularly as I know it upsets my parents, but I am so much happier without all that misery, stress and expense!

I had a friend who was one of 10. I say 'had' bcs she was so awash with PEOPLE in her life she didn't want - siblings - she was very flakey about committing and absolutely craved alone time - that in the end I gave up. Too hurtful!

But I'd ask her if she was still around. Do you know any others in your situ? I suppose that's one thing you may have been hoping by posting on here: that others in very large families could offer some insight?

From what I remember they were always bickering if that's any help

Gift of life...meh. I'd have done without. And all the other stuff is the least they can do. Hey ho.

I don't have a good relationships with either my half brother or half sister. Not for any particular reason-we've never fallen out really, but neither of them have ever reciprocated any efforts ive made to maintain relationships with them.After a time I felt I couldn't really be bothered tbh. I had a closer relation ship with my brother growing up (never actually lived with my sister as she is 19 years older than me), but that took a nose dive when he got married-his wife comes from a wealthy family and he now looks down his nose at me a bit, which is irritating.
I feel quite sad that I don't have good relationships with my siblings but we just have little in common and I don't have the time or energy to invest in them anymore.We do Christmas presents for each other's kids and that's about it nowadays.