Why do some men back off after sex?

[Jollyphonics]

This has happened to me recently, and from reading the dating thread it seems to happen often. The common scenario seems to be man meets woman, they go on a few dates, man pursues woman (lots of texts, calls, attention), they then have sex which is great.....and man goes cold, stops texting, stops calling, and then disappears. Woman is left wondering what the hell happened!

So, why do these men do this?
Is it that they only enjoy the chase, and once they've "succeeded" they lose interest?
Were they never that keen to start with, but thought they'd hang on in there long enough to get a shag, then bugger off?
Is there something about having had sex that makes the woman suddenly less desirable?
Does sex result in a closeness that they find scary, making them want to back off to collect their thoughts?
Are all men who do this a dead loss, or do some of them ever come back and make amends?

Can anyone shed any light on this mystery?! I honestly don't remember this happening when I was dating 15 years ago.

[lottielou7]

Yes, or actually AT your house! I can't believe the idiots who suggest 'Cosy night in' for a first date. In other words 'I just want to bang you and I'm too tight to even take you for a drink'

[Redroses11]

Yup - married.

[TooSassy]

The poster who wrote about how men view relationships and women view relationships up thread was spot on IMO.

I was talking about sex with a guy. We had been together a while and had a minor blip. My view was let's go out and reset - dinner/ drinks etc. Dating. His view? Let's go to bed. I laughed and said something like 'really?'. He seriously responded and said 'yes, because that's where it all starts. lying together skin to skin.' It was a lightbulb moment for me. That's when IMO most guys seriously start to think ' is this someone I can be with'. Physically do we fit? Sensually does she blow my mind? Her skin, her smell. Is she irritating with her chat.....their thinking is crystal clear. Whereas if the rest of you ladies are anything like me and have just had mind blowing orgasms, you're trying to tell yourself you haven't just fallen in love

So in summary I think there's a few reasons they disappear

1. they're in a relationship / married
   
2. they are emotionally messed up after some trauma in their lives (seen plenty of male friends try and shag their way through every living female whilst in this mode)
   
3. they are players and have no intention of settling down (work colleagues aplenty)
   
4. they just weren't that into you (after making the assessment post sex)
   
   Listen OP, they are hard to spot. You can get smarter by wising up. I wouldn't sleep with anyone until I'd seen their place for example.
   But here's the thing. These people all existed 15 years ago. They did. Married people shagged about. People lied. Maybe you just got lucky, I certainly met my share of idiots.
   
   But here's the thing. Anyone can let you down at anytime. This board is full of people who have been left after 10/15/20+ years of marriage and suddenly multiple infidelities are exposed. It's heartbreaking but my point is that there Are no guarantees in life. Anyone at any point can hurt you. Likewise anyone at any point could simply be amazing. You'll never know unless you put yourself out there and take the risk.

[StillAwakeAndItIsLate]

I think I must view sex in a similar way to men then. I never have to tell myself I haven't fallen in love.

I have a few sensory issues and I need to know someone hasn't triggered them and doesn't annoy me.

[category12]

I dunno where you get the idea it's new, there was always the "will he want to see me again" thing about first time sex with a guy. And "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" and other gross sayings. It's not the decay of society through the interwebz.

[Jollyphonics]

Maybe I'm just lucky it never happened to me before. Or maybe it did, and I'm looking back at my youth through rose-tinted glasses!

But there definitely seems to be something about OLD that makes it easier for people to disappear if they want to. I used to date friends of friends, or people I worked with, so I'd see them again whether they wanted to or not! With on-line stuff there is no other connection, so if someone wants to slip off the radar they can do so easily, and short of physically hunting them down there's no way of seeing them again to get any kind of explanation. It all seems very cold-blooded and depressing to me.

Do people ever get immune to the pain of ghosting, as I believe it's known? I want to start dating again and OLD is my only realistic option, but I'm scared that I'm not emotionally strong enough for multiple unexpected rejections.

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

I just Googled and found this:
9 Common Reasons Men Disappear After Sex

1. He’s embarrassed.

Men feel pressure to perform sexually, and the first time is the worst. He doesn’t know what you like or what you don’t like. Everything is new, and if he likes you, then he really wants to “rock your world.” But if something doesn’t “go up” at the right time, or if something else “comes out” too soon (if you know what I mean), then it can be really embarrassing. Most guys won’t want to think about what you will tell your friends. He might even assume you don’t want to see him again. No matter what you said, when you were with him. Maybe he will even avoid you, and never call you back.

2. He is a weak communicator.

About 50% of guys report being “shy” in some situations. And calling a girl to say, “I don’t think it is going to work out between us” is one of those situations. It is even harder after having sex. For a shy guy, it is a lot easier not to call.

3. He doesn’t think he has to.

He knows he should call, but he doesn’t feel obligated. Most guys aren’t sure what they are doing with women. The “dating rules” have gotten so complicated. This makes it easier to avoid doing what they know is the right thing to do. Often guys tell themselves, “A lot of girls have never called me back again, so…” Not right, but true.

4. He fell in love.

Every day people fall in love. Every day people find someone who they are really compatible with. Maybe he just found the girl of his dreams? This happens more than you think.

5. He wasn’t into you.

Most men will sleep with a larger selection of women, than they would agree to date exclusively. Maybe this has to do with the thousands of years, men spent evolving traits to effectively spread their genes. Or maybe it has to do with our cultural norms that say it is

6. The mystery is gone.

Sexual tension needs mystery to survive. If you’ve shared too much about your life, you could have killed the mystery. I’m not saying to be a complete mime and avoid talking though. Here are few things to avoid mentioning at first:

• Your insecurities
  
• Details about past lovers
  
• Reasons it didn’t work out with other men
  
• Feelings you have for other guys
  
  Men and women both enjoy a challenge, and it is healthy to have boundaries about what you share. Wait, before sharing too much about yourself.
  
  7. It is too soon.
  
  Like I said, men and women both enjoy a challenge. If you are too easy to get, he will assume that you are not very valuable. This is how the human mind works, according to psychological studies. Unfortunately, each guy has a different time frame in his mind about sex too. This means you can’t predict when the right time to sleep with him is, but you can focus on only sleeping with guys, when the time is right for you.
  
  8. Not his type.
  
  Everyone has different tastes and preferences. Some people like classical music and others are into hip-hop. Being sexually compatible is important to most men and if he wasn’t feeling a connection, then he might not call back.
  
  9. He’s a good liar.
  
  Some men lie to get what they want. “Wanting a relationship” is a common lie men tell, when starting to see a girl. Or maybe he exaggerated his feelings for you. In rarer cases, he may be dating someone else. Either way, you are lucky to be away from him.