Why do some men back off after sex?

[Jollyphonics]

This has happened to me recently, and from reading the dating thread it seems to happen often. The common scenario seems to be man meets woman, they go on a few dates, man pursues woman (lots of texts, calls, attention), they then have sex which is great.....and man goes cold, stops texting, stops calling, and then disappears. Woman is left wondering what the hell happened!

So, why do these men do this?
Is it that they only enjoy the chase, and once they've "succeeded" they lose interest?
Were they never that keen to start with, but thought they'd hang on in there long enough to get a shag, then bugger off?
Is there something about having had sex that makes the woman suddenly less desirable?
Does sex result in a closeness that they find scary, making them want to back off to collect their thoughts?
Are all men who do this a dead loss, or do some of them ever come back and make amends?

Can anyone shed any light on this mystery?! I honestly don't remember this happening when I was dating 15 years ago.

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

I just Googled and found this:
9 Common Reasons Men Disappear After Sex

1. He’s embarrassed.

Men feel pressure to perform sexually, and the first time is the worst. He doesn’t know what you like or what you don’t like. Everything is new, and if he likes you, then he really wants to “rock your world.” But if something doesn’t “go up” at the right time, or if something else “comes out” too soon (if you know what I mean), then it can be really embarrassing. Most guys won’t want to think about what you will tell your friends. He might even assume you don’t want to see him again. No matter what you said, when you were with him. Maybe he will even avoid you, and never call you back.

2. He is a weak communicator.

About 50% of guys report being “shy” in some situations. And calling a girl to say, “I don’t think it is going to work out between us” is one of those situations. It is even harder after having sex. For a shy guy, it is a lot easier not to call.

3. He doesn’t think he has to.

He knows he should call, but he doesn’t feel obligated. Most guys aren’t sure what they are doing with women. The “dating rules” have gotten so complicated. This makes it easier to avoid doing what they know is the right thing to do. Often guys tell themselves, “A lot of girls have never called me back again, so…” Not right, but true.

4. He fell in love.

Every day people fall in love. Every day people find someone who they are really compatible with. Maybe he just found the girl of his dreams? This happens more than you think.

5. He wasn’t into you.

Most men will sleep with a larger selection of women, than they would agree to date exclusively. Maybe this has to do with the thousands of years, men spent evolving traits to effectively spread their genes. Or maybe it has to do with our cultural norms that say it is

6. The mystery is gone.

Sexual tension needs mystery to survive. If you’ve shared too much about your life, you could have killed the mystery. I’m not saying to be a complete mime and avoid talking though. Here are few things to avoid mentioning at first:

• Your insecurities
  
• Details about past lovers
  
• Reasons it didn’t work out with other men
  
• Feelings you have for other guys
  
  Men and women both enjoy a challenge, and it is healthy to have boundaries about what you share. Wait, before sharing too much about yourself.
  
  7. It is too soon.
  
  Like I said, men and women both enjoy a challenge. If you are too easy to get, he will assume that you are not very valuable. This is how the human mind works, according to psychological studies. Unfortunately, each guy has a different time frame in his mind about sex too. This means you can’t predict when the right time to sleep with him is, but you can focus on only sleeping with guys, when the time is right for you.
  
  8. Not his type.
  
  Everyone has different tastes and preferences. Some people like classical music and others are into hip-hop. Being sexually compatible is important to most men and if he wasn’t feeling a connection, then he might not call back.
  
  9. He’s a good liar.
  
  Some men lie to get what they want. “Wanting a relationship” is a common lie men tell, when starting to see a girl. Or maybe he exaggerated his feelings for you. In rarer cases, he may be dating someone else. Either way, you are lucky to be away from him.

[Jollyphonics]

Maybe I'm just lucky it never happened to me before. Or maybe it did, and I'm looking back at my youth through rose-tinted glasses!

But there definitely seems to be something about OLD that makes it easier for people to disappear if they want to. I used to date friends of friends, or people I worked with, so I'd see them again whether they wanted to or not! With on-line stuff there is no other connection, so if someone wants to slip off the radar they can do so easily, and short of physically hunting them down there's no way of seeing them again to get any kind of explanation. It all seems very cold-blooded and depressing to me.

Do people ever get immune to the pain of ghosting, as I believe it's known? I want to start dating again and OLD is my only realistic option, but I'm scared that I'm not emotionally strong enough for multiple unexpected rejections.

[category12]

I dunno where you get the idea it's new, there was always the "will he want to see me again" thing about first time sex with a guy. And "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" and other gross sayings. It's not the decay of society through the interwebz.

[StillAwakeAndItIsLate]

I think I must view sex in a similar way to men then. I never have to tell myself I haven't fallen in love.

I have a few sensory issues and I need to know someone hasn't triggered them and doesn't annoy me.

[TooSassy]

The poster who wrote about how men view relationships and women view relationships up thread was spot on IMO.

I was talking about sex with a guy. We had been together a while and had a minor blip. My view was let's go out and reset - dinner/ drinks etc. Dating. His view? Let's go to bed. I laughed and said something like 'really?'. He seriously responded and said 'yes, because that's where it all starts. lying together skin to skin.' It was a lightbulb moment for me. That's when IMO most guys seriously start to think ' is this someone I can be with'. Physically do we fit? Sensually does she blow my mind? Her skin, her smell. Is she irritating with her chat.....their thinking is crystal clear. Whereas if the rest of you ladies are anything like me and have just had mind blowing orgasms, you're trying to tell yourself you haven't just fallen in love

So in summary I think there's a few reasons they disappear

1. they're in a relationship / married
   
2. they are emotionally messed up after some trauma in their lives (seen plenty of male friends try and shag their way through every living female whilst in this mode)
   
3. they are players and have no intention of settling down (work colleagues aplenty)
   
4. they just weren't that into you (after making the assessment post sex)
   
   Listen OP, they are hard to spot. You can get smarter by wising up. I wouldn't sleep with anyone until I'd seen their place for example.
   But here's the thing. These people all existed 15 years ago. They did. Married people shagged about. People lied. Maybe you just got lucky, I certainly met my share of idiots.
   
   But here's the thing. Anyone can let you down at anytime. This board is full of people who have been left after 10/15/20+ years of marriage and suddenly multiple infidelities are exposed. It's heartbreaking but my point is that there Are no guarantees in life. Anyone at any point can hurt you. Likewise anyone at any point could simply be amazing. You'll never know unless you put yourself out there and take the risk.

[Redroses11]

Yup - married.

[lottielou7]

Yes, or actually AT your house! I can't believe the idiots who suggest 'Cosy night in' for a first date. In other words 'I just want to bang you and I'm too tight to even take you for a drink'

[Redroses11]

Other things to look out for is them wanting to meet near where you live, don't share many private details etc.

[Redroses11]

Well, for once, my theory was correct.

Sorry you've been duped OP. Basically try to weed out the married ones (only online at certain times, can't meet for weeks etc.).

[Jollyphonics]

Thanks for all the views. To be honest, it all scares the hell out of me. As I say, when I was last dating many years ago I don't recall this happening. Maybe the advent of on-line dating has given men (and women?) too many opportunities, so they feel they can afford to bail out very readily, knowing there'll be plenty more people on the website that they can try out.

I have been considering trying OLD but I honestly can't face this kind of misery on a regular basis!

How do people manage to endure it without their self-esteem being totally wiped out? I can't imagine how wretched it must feel to have your ego boosted and then destroyed repeatedly.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

There is no one answer to this because we're not all the same. Yes, there are some people who are only after sex but I also agree with SolidGold in that sometimes you can fancy the hell out of someone but the extra spark isn't there with sex. Or you're not compatible sexually and you don't tend to discover that in advance because most people don't say prior to going to bed for the first time "now, look, if you don't give oral, that's a dealbreaker to me and I'd rather know that now thank you".

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

Disgrace, interesting point about thinking she has bad taste in men!

I think for some men it also goes along the lines of "if she slept with me (especially if it was fairly soon) then she probably slept with loads of dates". My DP was arrogant enough to believe that I had only slept with him, not half the local population of single men, but that type of thinking may have played a small part in his cooling off? Instead of a chaste and ladylike date saving myself for someone special, I was actually a woman with sexual agency, which scared him a bit.

I wouldn't have liked to think he was shagging his way round the block and I was just one of many either. I think it sows a seed of doubt about the other person's intentions and moral integrity if they present themselves as someone who has sex with people they barely know. I know it shouldn't, but it does.

Another factor in my DP's cooling off is his addictive personality. He has given up smoking when he realised it was ruling his life, and similarly when a computer game gets to a point where his thinking about it and getting obsessed he will delete it. He seems to be a cold turkey kind of guy. His comments about craving me make me think that he was protecting himself from becoming addicted to me as he didn't want to be out of control (he doesn't drink as he hates to be out of control and he does get very obsessed with things! Luckily I have now snagged him and he has given in to a lifetime of addiction to me )

[lottielou7]

It certainly is true that there are broken people out there who just can't have relationships anyway because they've got issues. A sign of this is someone who lists their longest relationship as 'under one year'

[lottielou7]

One thing to bear in mind is that most women are not on OD sites looking for casual sex, and the ones that are have about 100 applicants each. Most women are on there because they are actually looking for a relationship and are tired of what they have had to contend with so far in RL. This is why men lie about their intent. It is simply a myth that men are having a great time doing OD, sleeping with an endless 'supply' of women. What does happen more often is that the woman gets played, having been deceived....hence threads like this that follow.

[Mondrian]

1st time is always mediocre anyway (bar the excitement & thrill) as it takes a long time to tune into each others euphoria .... Well it took us over 25 yrs anyway!

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

We have to go back 30 years to my indiscriminate days, but IIRC it went something like this: meet woman, charm woman, shag woman, despise woman for having poor taste in men*, dump woman or be dumped. This process could be as short as 3 hours or as long as 4 days. There were about 3 dozen or so between the first Thatcher administration and the Challenger disaster, after which I had a layoff due to no money.

*I was a waste of space, as DM had frequently told me. So did a lot of the ONSs. It was DW how showed me how to be human.

[Jollyphonics]

It's a depressing incompatibility between the sexes isn't it.

I'm not into one-night stands myself, but I find the idea of cooling off afterwards a lot more understandable in those situations. After all, you don't know the person, you only just met them, and have nothing at all invested in it.

It's the eager chase followed by sex followed by avoidance that confuses me.

Until recently it had never happened to me. The person it just happened with turned out to be married, unbeknown to me, so I guess that's the only explanation I need in my case. It still hurts though.

[musicismylife]

I guess if you have an avoidant personality, that could complicate things. In that you want all the 'trimmings' of a r'ship but not the intimacy. Thus, pulling away or keeping someone at arms length.

It's interesting how a lot of posters have mentioned about men & women seeing sex differently.

I know that I over-think things after having sex with someone - whether the sex was good or bad. And all cases of scenarios & possibilities float into my head. Whereas, the man concerned could have just thought, erm, well that was mediocre.

[VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon]

I don't think most men out there are just looking for a shag, but I do think they are more likely to shag someone just because it's there than some women might be. I'm a shag first, reflect after kind of person and I've ended things after one shag or a couple because I've realised either we aren't sexually compatible or they aren't what I want. Doesn't mean I was using them for sex but I have a relaxed attitude to sex and see it as part of the getting to know/see whether you like someone stage. If you aren't inclined to see sex that way then it could feel like you were dumped right after the person 'got' sex but I don't think that's the case most of the time.
Obviously there are men who view women as holes to conquer but they are usually easy to spot.

[Mondrian]

There can be quite a few reasons;

1-Pre sex men are driven by their hormones, post sex its feelings or desparation.
2-Unlike women most men are totally capable of separating sex & feelings, so basically sex is not necessarily the next level in a meaningful relationship.
3-For most men sex is like the summit in casual relationship so some may not quite know what to do or where to take it afterwards.

Basically if they cool off after sex then it means they were never really into you in the first place or maybe there was no sexual spark & then there are those that are just into one night stands or short relationships.

[Chocolatteaddict1]

solid I dont agree.

If a bloke said to a woman just before they started having sex "by the way - I don't owe you anything and you may not see me again after this" I'm sure the majority of women would tell him to go fuck himself.

Most men play the merry dance that the relasionship is going somewhere to secure sex. Otherwise everybody would be classed as one nightstands.

[StillAwakeAndItIsLate]

I think it's often the game of achieving it. The effort put in to achieving it is sometimes part of it, some men see the initial reticence on the part of the woman as a challenge and they accept that. Once they've been successful, they've proved to themselves that they've still got it and that's enough. It's jist a game.

[Eekaman]

Yeah, some blokes are weird... mind you, I reckon some women are too. It's called being human. :)

Being serious now; the poster upthread who said women decide if they like a man before having sex, whereas men decide after the act, is making a lot of sense.

A guy isn't going to chase and chase, with calls, texts, mails etc and go on several dates just for one casual shag. There's easier ways to get a one off casual shag, so why would they go to all the bother of a multi week and multi date chase? They wouldn't. There's no point. Us blokes might be weird, but we aren't all entirely stupid.

So backing off after the act could be for many reasons, the ones that spring to my mind are,

• liked her too much and but he's not looking for a relationship, wrong time in life.
  
• got the impression she liked him too much and he's not looking for a long term relationship.
  
• poor sex / no spark. This isn't something for either party to beat themselves up over, sometimes you can think you really fancy someone, shag with them and then think, hmm, well.... was that it? :/
  
  I've been through all of those listed. It happens, and the other way around too, I've been dumped after the first time around. So OP, don't go giving up on things or getting sad.

[SoThatHappened]

But if the sex was good, why don't they want to go back for more? Surely if that's their motivation, then having it on a plate any time they want would be irrestistable?

That can be worse. With "mine" the sex was good. He described it as wonderful. He came back for more taking me for dinner, lovely chats, good company and promptly dropped me telling me he met someone now. So what the fuck was I.

If they just see you as sex....and come back for more, knowing it is all they want and not being honest with you about that then you just get more bonded to them and hurt.

Whereas if mine had fucked off after the first shag and never contacted me again, it wouldn't have caused so much heartache.