Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Husband has gone AWOL

60 replies

chelle792 · 06/03/2016 13:28

It's mother's day, my due date was supposed to be in two weeks and one day's time (mc at 11.5 weeks). Husband went out at 9.50 to pick up materials for work "for half an hour" with the dog.

He's not back yet.

I don't even think I'm worried - where the fuck is he?

OP posts:

BeStrongAndCourageous · 06/03/2016 14:22

There are some utter bitches on this thread. OP, you are not the one who should be apologising. Hope your H comes back soon with a damn good reason for the disappearing act and makes it up to you.

hmcAsWas · 06/03/2016 14:25

BeStrong - OP doesn't need the thread derailed into a full on argument between posters, and referring to utter bitches on this thread is likely to provoke that

WonkyZonkey · 06/03/2016 14:26

A day where you need support... one can only guess he's taking his solace in a different way. So sorry for your loss OP. x

BeStrongAndCourageous · 06/03/2016 14:26

Oh give over.

Original poster

chelle792 · 06/03/2016 14:30

He's probably fed up of my permanent crying since 1st march.

I think he's just merrily carrying on his way. We don't have kids so it's not like he's being especially inconvenient or anything - I'm the one being a pain in the arse being a wreck

OP posts:

BeStrongAndCourageous · 06/03/2016 14:32

You are grieving Chelle, not being a pain in the arse. It's allowed, expected and encouraged after a mc.

JOEYDOESNTSHAREFOOD · 06/03/2016 14:46

Is it possible he too is struggling with the mmc and is avoiding you today as he really doesn't know what to do or say to make it better?

DinosaursRoar · 06/03/2016 15:05

You are both grieving - it's often men feel they have to be the brave ones when it happens, but then that means they don't deal with their own grief.

Be kind to each other. I found the time round what my due date should have been very very hard, but it was also hard for DH, and if I'm honest, I didn't give him anywhere near the level of support he needed to deal with his loss, just focussed on my own pain and needing him to support me, not able to give anything back.

ShmooBooMoo · 06/03/2016 15:06

Some thoughts... Do you think he may be giving you time alone on purpose? Maybe he thought you'd want to be by yourself for a time today? Maybe he's mores sensitive than you think? He may be struggling with his own grief and is pained on your behalf, this being such a significant day? He may not know what to do or say for the best to comfort you so has taken himself off so as not to risk saying the wrong thing and upsetting you?

Some men feel they have to be 'strong' on the exterior even if they are falling apart inside too... People have their own way of dealing with loss. Maybe you should talk to him? It's important to keep communicating, I think.

I'm sorry about your loss; this must be a hard day for you. Go easy on yourself and your DH .

Ps, he should always take a phone with him...just in case.

Joysmum · 06/03/2016 15:18

Great post JOEYDOESNTSHAREFOOD

Redroses11 · 06/03/2016 15:27

When he comes back OP, could you suggest a quite evening meal out somewhere, to treat yourselves and to mark the day?

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 06/03/2016 15:28

This thread is a perfect example of the utter dimness and lack of subtlety of so many on here these days. How did the first few answers get posted? Wasn't it obvious the op was hurting?

OurBlanche · 06/03/2016 16:15

Erm.... bingo?!

chelle is he back? Are you feeling any less fragile?

ILikeUranus · 06/03/2016 16:58

Where did he sat he'd been (if he's even back)? Does h often make excuses to go out and then is longer than you'd expect. H used to go 'to tesco' for something totally random he'd decide he needed and be ages when he was having an affair. Since we worked things out we try to do everything together to work the trust back up and also to appreciate each other's company more. Maybe when he just picks stuff up, you could go too?

Original poster

chelle792 · 06/03/2016 17:14

He's back.

He came back, saw me in tears, gave me a hug and basically went back out again. This time without the dog.

He came home and said he'd "cancelled the table" i didn't even know he'd booked one and had bought a "meal for two" instead.

So we have prawns, ribs, sweet potato fries and jam sponge for pudding.

He's now fixing the boiler How do I make him actually stop and realise what's going on? He's doing all the right things but just not feeling anything

OP posts:

Original poster

chelle792 · 06/03/2016 17:15

Oh yeh, and a bottle of red wine!

PS - he's not having an affair

OP posts:

MoominPie22 · 06/03/2016 17:54

chelle I´m so sorry. You must think me such an unfeeling bitch. I didn´t know what ¨mc¨ meant or what the bit in brackets referred to, thereby focusing on the missing husband bit. Anyway, just read subsequent posts and the penny dropped!

It´s me that should apologise. Sorry I came across as harsh. Now your post makes total sense to me. I´m sorry for your loss but glad you got your husband back.

I won´t be so hasty to post unhelpful responses in the future. Best wishes.

Bluetrews25 · 06/03/2016 18:05

So sorry you are going through this.
Sounds to me like he is trying to be thoughtful and caring, but not sure what words to use, so is using actions instead.
Sometimes it can help to say ' can you give me a big hug and not let me go until I say so' ?
Hope you are able to pull together to get through the dark days.

Original poster

chelle792 · 06/03/2016 18:40

moomin thankyou for your apology, I really appreciate it. I hate to spread my miscarriage sadness all over everyone but I was feeling very alone earlier. No hard feelings

He's certainly a 'dooer'. I'll be sure to start telling what I need.

Thankyou all so much for your support today. I feel like an idiot for getting upset about my husband being out for just a few hours

OP posts:

MoominPie22 · 06/03/2016 19:04

ILikeUranus · 06/03/2016 19:10

But he's not doing all the right things. Most people would be at least a bit at their H buggering off to the shop "for half an hour" and returning hours later with no explanation. For some people that might be ok, but for a lot of people (and the only important one is you), that's not 'doing all the right things'. You need to tell him that. You need to say what you want from him - his time and his company, and some communication about where he is if he's out for hours, including taking his phone with him. It really isn't much to ask, it's what most partners do without even thinking about it.

Cabrinha · 06/03/2016 19:16

for your loss. I had a MMC at a similar time (first scan) and I was utterly devastated.
I spoke to a lot of women at the time and for about a year later, on a very supportive forum (not MN, something smaller and more personal). It was really really common that on a general level, the men just didn't get it. They weren't bad people. They just didn't feel the loss. Lots of "you need to stop crying all the time" supportive comments. When most women I spoke to were more "darling all you can do is cry, let the tears flow". I think the baby is just more real to us much sooner because we carry it.

People told me that time would make it less raw and I knew that must be true - but didn't feel it. It was true, but it took a long time, and there were upsets along the way.

I certainly spoke to women whose husbands just didn't even think about Mother's Day. But who were actually good men.

There's not an awful lot a man can do. Hugging and listening. In some ways, they may as well fix the boiler! But do tell him you need the hugs and the listening ear too.

haveacupoftea · 06/03/2016 19:54

Bless him. He's feeling it himself and doesn't know what to do. He is doing his best OP. Give him his space if he needs it and cut him some slack. He needs to deal with things too.

And just because he's your husband, doesn't mean he isn't entitled to spend his morning doing whatever he wishes, as long as he isn't breaking his vows.

Aussiebean · 06/03/2016 20:02

I am sorry that you are going through this.

When it happened to us, my DH grieved as much as me. Maybe in a different way, but it was a much wanted baby and we were both devastated.

Even now, watching my little one, I still grieve.

I just wanted to mention the part where you said "it is not his fault I lost the baby'

I really hope you don't blame yourself and hold any guilt.

When it happened to us, a lovely doctor sat us down and explained the mechanics, or the science behind MC. The reason why it is so common, and why the don't investigate MC until you have had 4.

It helped me realise that there was zero , zilch nada, nothing that I could have done to change what happened. The baby was never meant to be the moment it was conceived and it had nothing to do with me.

NO pill i could take, not exercise I should have done, no amount of rest i could have taken, no disgusting concoction of juiced fruit and vegetables that my husband was constantly making to ensure I had the right vitamins in my diet, would have changed the outcome that was going to happen the moment he/she was conceived.

still grieved, but there was and is no guilt.

I hope you and your dh can work this out

janaus · 06/03/2016 20:06

Maybe he is also not coping well and needs some time. Be gentle on him when he gets back. Hugs. But you need each other at this time.

Flip

1 2 3