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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate him!!!

54 replies

hurtandconfued2016 · 06/03/2016 11:03

So had baby on Tuesday there and have a 2 year old ex left 7 weeks ago.
I have never been so angry/tiered/hurt, had baby by csection and I am in so much pain it seems at night it gets so much worse to the point the last 2 nights my mum and dad Ave had to take her and do the feeds as I can't move without being sick from the pain! I was breastfeeding but I'm not able to because of the pain in my back making me really unwell.
Now the thing is is the father of my 2 kids who hasn't met my youngest yet is off on paternity leave for 2 weeks hasn't seen either of our kids! I am left to have all the sleepless nights, being in pain trying to lift her and look after my 2 year old. I emailed him his week to ask him if he wanted to see the kids and he said he doesn't want to meet the baby because he doesn't know when he will see her again (even though 3 weeks ago I sent him a lawyers letter to Say he could have her 3 days one over night but because I won't organise contact threw his parents or be allowed to ask if my kids are okay when he has them he hasn't asked to see them!
I am struggling so much I have my mum and dad helping but it should be their father that should be helping!!
He mum has been making such an effort with wanting to meet up with me inviting me over with the kids and stuff but he claims I'm a bad mum still!
Last night I felt like I was not able to do anything for my children but wanting to do everything for them!
How can someone not want to meet their daughter? ? Or see their son? Put their new relationship with ow before their family??
Not text or email to see if they can see their kids it's not like i would tell him no or that but in the 7 weeks he has been away he hasn't once text to ask how the kids are (even after the birth on tuesday)!)
Think I just needed a wee rant thinking about how he is off for 2 weeks and I'm here struggling to do anything with the kids and it's like he isn't bothered!!!

OP posts:
DharmaLlama · 06/03/2016 19:47

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Paracetamol after c-section is quite standard, but what was explained to me when I had one was that it doesn't work well to alleviate pain unless you are taking them regularly every 4 (?) hours all the time.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 06/03/2016 20:09

Yeah I was taken them every 4 hours that's how bad the pain was :( I have to go see the doctor tomorrow to see if there is anything else it could be. I am just so disappointed in myself that I'm giving up breastfeeding but if I can get help with the pain then I think it's best my kids have a happy mum than a mum in pain

OP posts:
Proseccofiend32 · 06/03/2016 20:32

Completely agree re the breast feeding, you've done so well to continue this long so well done! What's best for baby is what's best for mummy in these situations so take the pain killers and enjoy your gorgeous little lady 💐
Oh and he doesn't deserve to call himself a dad, paternity leave???? What a twat!

DharmaLlama · 06/03/2016 20:42

Poor you Sad

I hope the doctor is able to help, and it's a good idea to be checked.

Co-codamol and opiates used to be given to breastfeeding mums routinely, but I've just checked the BfN's factsheet on breastfeeding and analgesics and see that the advice and practice has changed since I had my son.

You don't need anyone's permission to stop breastfeeding to deal with major surgery, and don't let anyone try tell you differently. Also, if you stop for a bit and you wanted to start again, that could be possible.

Best wishes Flowers

nicenewdusters · 06/03/2016 20:49

Have seen your other threads OP, not at all surprised to see your ex hasn't seen either of your children.

I agree with pp, do not contact this selfish little man child anymore. If he wants to see his children he will do so. All the barriers he's putting in place are of his own making. A decent human being would walk over hot coals to see his children. He doesn't fall into this category.

It must be heartbreaking for you, I can't imagine the pain of his walking away from your son and not even meeting his new daughter. Don't add to this by hoping for something that will never happen. You can't manufacture a decent dad for your children, but you sound like a fab mum with a wonderful family so they will have all they need.

He's a complete loser, and it is he who will lose out long term.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 06/03/2016 21:18

I just never expected this from him ever! I guess when he said he only got me pregnant to make me think he loved me I should have known he wasn't interested in her!
My other issue is I am going to register her this week and I have asked him to meet me to be on the birth certificate and he hasn't told me yes or no :/
When I had my son I had cocodamol but the midwifes said today that something change anf the tests they done came back that it wasn't good for baby :(
I know it's sad the amount of men who fight for their kids and do everything to see them when all he needs to do is text me and I would allow it! The fact I'm going over to his parents next week with the kids surly makes him realise I'm not a monster!

OP posts:
starry0ne · 06/03/2016 21:45

Congratulations on the safe arrival of your baby..

I do remember your previous thread... I do remember part of you wanted him there hoping it would recapture the feeling when your DS was born..

Sadly you are having a a very harsh lesson at a time when you are very vulnerable... Of course he is going to blame you because if he didn't he would have to take responsibility for his own behaviour.. He isn't going to do that... I would really disengage with him... He has nothign helpful to offer you right now

Focus on what you do have around you..The people that do care...

As previous people have said you don't have the time or energy to focus on him..

Hopefully when you get your pain under control things will get easier but newborns are exhausting esp with a 2 year old..You sound like you are doing great.

I am a LP and sometimes you have to jus do what is best for you as a family and if that is bottle fed rather than breast you are still giving her the nutrition she needs to grow... Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/03/2016 10:29

Oh Hurt - what a horrific mess he has created!!

I take it you're not married then, if you need him there to register him as the father on the BC. I think you may have to resign yourself to the fact that he's not going to turn up, so you're going to have to leave it blank. Of course you'll still know it's him, and you can tell your DD that it's him, but I would put money on him thinking he can get out of any parental responsibility by not being on the BC.

I can't believe how much of an amoral pondscum waste of oxygen he is. I really can't.
I'm so so sorry for you.

Re. the pain in your back, DEFINITELY get back to the doc and get checked out in case something has happened re. your CS - haematoma, split internal stitches, anything like that - you shouldn't be having this level of pain, they have to investigate it ASAP.

Much love, Hurt - I really hope that things start to get better for you very soon xx

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 07/03/2016 14:24

Starryone yes that was me I really was wanting him at the birth but he couldn't stand to be around me so wouldn't show up! As for meeting her since then he hasn't asked or anything I am seeing his mum this week with the kids but he has shown on interest in them what so ever!
I have the doctors right now to try and see what's going on and try and get something for the pain.
Thumb witches no we weren't married we have a house together and the 2 kids I will text him my appointment and if he shows he shows if he doesn't then I guess I can't really do anything. I guess considering he hasn't even met her yet he probably won't show.

OP posts:
starry0ne · 07/03/2016 21:23

Hope the pain is a little easier tonight and you are feeling a bit better..

He might be a complete waste of space right now but do call on other people...People do like to feel helpful.. Even if it is cuddling the LO while you have a nap..

Don't turn down a single offer.. whether it is to make you something to eat or clean the loo( probably less offers for the second)

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 08/03/2016 13:00

Well everyone that's my little girl a week old today and have a heard anything from him? No has he met his daughter no!!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/03/2016 13:22

Oh Hurt - I do feel so bad for you and your DC. What an utter fuckwitted bellend he truly must be. (((hugs))) for you Thanks

BirthdayBetty · 08/03/2016 13:28

I hope his knob turns black and falls off Angry
Flowers for you

starry0ne · 08/03/2016 13:54

How are you feeling today?

You have had a week with her and he has missed it.. His loss..

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 08/03/2016 16:33

Starryone I am a very emotional wreck today took little lady out and when ever someone looked at me I cried! I hate him so much for putting me and the kids thru this but I want him still so badly

OP posts:
BonitaFangita · 08/03/2016 17:23

Hi hurt and confused, I remember reading your first post too. Congratulations on the birth of your lovely daughter, and I hope you recover quickly. Your ex is going from bad to worse and I'm sorry you're feeling so miserable. Like others have said get all the help that is offered to you, focus on your beautiful little children and don't give this fool any more head space than he deserves. It looks like he wont play a part in their lives, but that's his loss. How are his parents behaving towards you?

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 08/03/2016 17:29

Oh love-what a terrible thing he has done.I think you just have to concentrate on your dc, and on getting through this first part whilst you are still recovering from your section.Try not to even think about him until you feel a bit physically stronger and you have got in a good routine with the new baby.He isn't worth your head space at all.
I read your other threads and I can't believe how horrible he is.Thanksfor you and congratulations on your daughter.

clashofclanswidow · 08/03/2016 18:03

Hurt =( I wish we lived closer, I just want to give you a big hug. What a sh*t he is! I wish I had some kind words to make you feel better!

I want to check you're still getting support hun, I don't want to see you heading towards PND! =( xx

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 08/03/2016 18:08

His mother has been texting to see the kids and me but obviously it's her son so it's hard because they don't allow me to be upset over the loss of the relationship.
Clashofclanswidow - I have just been diagnosed with it :( still waiting on the councilling to start and today I'm just missing him badly :(

OP posts:
BonitaFangita · 08/03/2016 18:18

Oh sweetheart I feel for you, I really do. I know there's nothing we can really say to you. But please believe you will get though this, take each day at a time, get all the support you can and eventually things will start to get better.

BirthdayBetty · 08/03/2016 18:21

Of course you miss him, you've just had his baby and your hormones will be playing havoc 1 week after giving birth ((((hugs))))

clashofclanswidow · 08/03/2016 18:22

Bonita is spot on hun, we all wish you could ignore that idiot but I know that will never be easy under the circumstances.

Glad you are going to be receiving councelling and I hope it starts asap to get you through this - we are always here for you xx

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 08/03/2016 18:56

I just can't get out of my head that he is with someone new it's killing me here! I miss him I miss everything about him I miss my family unit

OP posts:
starry0ne · 08/03/2016 20:42

I left my ex because of his behaviour... The one thing I felt when I left was it was the end of the hope.. The hope we would make it work. The hope of been a family.

Sadly he has been living a lie for a while and what you want is the man you thought he was not the man he is..

You are heading up to baby blues with DD been a week old... Do take care of yourself and focus on the beautiful 2 children in front of you.. You 3 are the ones who matter.

Original poster
hurtandconfued2016 · 09/03/2016 14:11

Yeah I'm struggling today a lot I just miss him and miss having him around me and it kills me knowing he is with the ow!
My little boy is running around saying mummy sad because I've not stopped crying all day!
I wish he would just talk to me that's what's hurting the most

OP posts: