Why is it so hard to leave an emotionally abusive man?

[peggy29]

I posted here 2 years ago. I was given amazing advice from people who gave their time to help me. I can't face linking to it because I feel a big fat failure for not leaving then. I've been with H over 20 years. I found our from here and the advice I was given he is emotionally abusive. He's my only ever relationship. He's worn me down over the years until I became a walking she'll with no thoughts or feelings of my own. After my thread on here I started to stand up for myself more. I detached and started doing more with my friends and basically tried to get some self esteem. When I did this he started to reduce the ea. He would back track when I pulled him up, he started to do it less when I didn't tolerate it.
So to now. I still want to leave. I don't love him, I don't like him. I've done all the research, I've copied all the documents I need. Yet I still can't find the strength to tell him it's over. It's like he still has hold. I'm still scared of something and it's stopping me. I want someone to jump into my body for a day and do it for me. It's all I think about all day, every day. I'm wasting my life, I know it. I've read every 'what was your last straw ' thread on here.
I also feel it was my fault. When I stopped putting up with it, he stopped doing it. I could've stopped this year's ago. I'm unhappy, I've read on here that's enough reason to leave, but It doesn't feel like it is. Sorry for the ramble, I need to get it out.

My husband left his first wife. I expect the circumstances were broadly the same. I am in little doubt that she was sick of being bullied, sulked at, blamed, and inapropriate sexual behaviour. i was the Other Woman. The writing was on the wall at the beginning; The way my husband spoke about his then wife, the endless complaints, the controlling behaviour. Were my husband younger, I am in little doubt that he would have girlfriends, or at least women he paid. I know he is afraid of getting old alone. Aren't we all. It does not make his behaviour acceptable. At the moment I need to find a way to keep myself and my children safe from his mega-sulks. He would never behave in front of work colleagues how he behaves at home. It is a slow burn thing.

Op how are you doing?

I feel so sad reading your are anxious in bed due to getting a kick in the ankle.

I do think he will be very angry inside that he has to be nice to you or you have threatened to leave him.

Abusers don't take this stuff lightly and see it as a serious assault on there control of the situation.

Have you got somewhere to move to? Can you survive financially?

These things are massive blocks for women like yourself, get them sorted and you will be on your way.

If you are wanting him out, you can refuse to open the door and call the police if he causes a fuss.

Obviously it's better that he has packed his stuff before hand or you pack it and leave it somewhere else for him.

Don't do this to yourself any longer than you have too.

You deserve so much more, I'm sure you will eventually get the love you deserve but you will never get it from this bastard. I do hate swearing but sometimes there are no other words.

I am just starting divorce proceedings after 22 years of being married, and your situation sounds a lot like mine! Like you, I posted on here ages ago and from the replies I realised that my husband's behaviour would not be tolerated by most people, that he was EA and a twat! I was still so frightened of how he would react that I dared not start proceedings, although all the advice was to 'get rid'. I do wish it hadn't taken me so long, I'm not frightened now, because the thought of staying with him is even more scary! He has also back-tracked with the EA, and is pretending to be nice. This is because he thinks he will be really badly off financially and 'everyone will know'...because I am getting out of the box. At present, the divorce petition is probably on it's way, so I am feeling a bit sick. It's not your fault, never think that. He chose to treat you badly; some people see kindness and softness as weakness, but you were actually being very strong. If you have a supportive family you need not worry, you will soon be full of relief and be able to be yourself again. Best wishes.

georgialass I don't know how they reel us back in so expertly. Today things are ok, just ok, not great but I feel like I couldn't do it today, because he's not being abusive. It's such a head fuck I don't know which way up I am on some days. I think my anxiety is mostly caused by him. It takes about 3 seconds on a morning when I wake up to feel like a rock has been dropped in my stomach.
easy it's terrifying thinking about any other relationship because of what you describe. I think my expectations are so low I'm at risk of landing myself in the same boat. A male colleague text me a work message. He knew I had a family gathering that night and wished me a good night. I was overwhelmed because he did that. My h never says have a good time. I thought it such a nice thing to say, but it's not anything big to normal people but I was so grateful.

quite thank you for asking. I'm up and down. Today is not too bad so it makes it harder. It's like stopping and starting all the time, it's exhausting. I think he knows ive had enough so he's behaving. A sad state of affairs. I can't afford to move out and it will take me ages to save enough on what I earn. I need the money out of the house. I honestly wouldn't lock him out. He would go ballistic.
paddy thank you. You are proof that it can be done well done. I'm really at a loss as to what to do and when I hear about people who have escaped like you, I wonder what is wrong with me, why can't I do it? It's just words but I'm scared of something. Sorry I'm just getting frustrated with myself. How did you H react when you told him? Was it as bad as you thought? Did you still have to live with him?

Peggy, I get the frustration. Splitting up is a common occurrence, thousands of people manage it, why can't I? My counsellor says it is a defence system which originates from my childhood experiences and it is her job to slowly dismantle those defences. She says she has seen this in women before, so we are probably not unusual.

Also, your point about other men being nice, yes, it is overwhelming, it is the contrast between treated with respect and the behaviour we have put up with at home over the years.

I really hope you get some peace this weekend.

Just found your thread Peggy. God I can relate so much to All of this. My H ignored mothers day (my first) and hadn't properly spoken to me for two days as I had to be ambulance to hospital. But, this evening he is thawing and I can feel myself wanting to get over his mood so I can carry on as 'normal' but it's not normal is it? I run around during the day getting everything done before he gets home. I'm on maternity leave. Yet when he was unemployed he did sod all. Yet still criticises me. Complains. All the sodding time. Including the stuff you said about not parking the car properly. Not straightening the throw. These things turn into arguments and sulks. I actually can't believe how ridiculous that sounds.

georgialass yes it is, thousands of people split up every day, but to me it seems insurmountable. That's interesting what your counsellor says about defence although I don't really understand, if it's a defence mechanism why do we stay in such loveless relationships that chip away at the very core of us until there is nothing left? Thank you I'm meeting my friend tomorrow who is a great support so a few hours out will be good. I hope you do too and manage some head space.
confusion hello from your thread, your H is a disgrace if he didn't speak to you for being rushed to hospital. My H has no sympathy at all when I'm ill but you were rushed to hospital for gods sake. What the hell is wrong with him. Yes to trying to carry on as normal when they 'thaw' it's the relief of not being criticised and the wanting to keep it that way for as long as possible. I have cushions not being straight enough, the gear stick tapped if he thinks I'm in the wrong gear and I change into a different person half an hour before he comes in making sure everything is straight. It's no way to live. It doesn't sound ridiculous, I totally understand, I hope you are recovering now and can relax a little this weekend.

Peggy, I struggle to understand her explanation about defences. I think she sees how I swing from fully accepting how abusive he is and after spending time with him being relatively normal, I push it out of my mind, thinking that he is not that bad. She says that I minimise a lot of his bad behaviour. I think that is the defence against seeing the reality of him and doing something about it. Change is hard, uncomfortable and unsettling. When I first started seeing her, she said I was disassociated from myself and my feelings, which is pretty scary really. It explains a lot though and I worry that if I stay with him, I will go back to that place and 'lose' myself again.

It seems insurmountable because he has, as you say, worn you down. You begin to doubt yourself, lose your identity and become so anxious that you feel you must be wrong. I used to want to smooth things over and make him happy, my thoughts were all focussed on trying to placate him, not on my own needs. Is it just you and him at home, or do you have children? I am fortunate that I have 3 children 22,20,18 at home, it would be much harder if it was just me. He is still living in the house, but we are hardly ever in the same room. When I told him about the divorce there was a range of reactions, which I have learnt are typical of an EA, so be prepared! He has tried telling me I was making a big mistake, that he was only thinking of me and how hard it would be, then shouting and throwing things about at 3am and waking everyone up, being sarcastic, crying and saying he loves me, but underlying all of it is that he thinks I am 'doing it to him', how it will affect him, how he's worked, as if I haven't. He has tried to kiss me and even wanted me to go to bed with him, acting really immaturely, ugh!. Then it was 'poor me, I will probably be dead soon', and a list of his ailments. I do hope you reach the stage where you feel you can do as you want, I never thought I would be able to say 'that's enough now', and not feel terrified. I am on anti-d's, which probably helps, but I don't have that horrid stomach churning anymore. Sorry, this seems to be all about me! But I was such a wimp, and I have changed, so don't despair, when the time is right you will spread your wings! Glad that you have your family for support, don't be frightened. (BTW, H had not spoken to me or 2 of the children for 8 months when I went to the solicitor)

paddy yes we have 2 teenage dc. I just don't know how not to be worn down. I'm exhausted with it all. I have friends and family who all support me but he seems to have this vice like hold on me. His behaviour is not as bad as it was a few years ago. But it doesn't need to be does it. He's done the ground work, I still dread his key in the lock every night so he doesn't need to be as abusive because I'm wired to be scared. I need my moment to come but I'm starting to wonder how bad that needs to be before I say enough is enough. I have normalised so much over 20 years, what I think is a good day others would disagree I think. Thank you for your advice and I hope he is out of the house soon and you can be truly free.

Hello all, I am feeling more normal today. I had something which caused awful d % v amongst other things. H being OK ish. I am not OK.

What will he say if I say 'i don't want to be with someone who ignores mothers day, Xmas, birthdays. Someone who moans about the cats every morning and every night (yet continues to give into their every whim) who ignores me being hospitalised, who has a mood if I go out for the day, never asked if I've had a good day, who sits around while I look after the baby, cook, clean shop etcetera. Who makes himself drinks but not me. Who can be vile if I have done something 'wrong' (blew my nose on kitchen roll......) Who has changed two nappies ever........' got I could go on all day.

Oh confusion I can feel the sadness coming through your post. And I totally understand. One thing that does stand out is "what will he say". I get this, I am the same. All your fears are around what he will say and how he will react. Without realising you are making your own self and feelings not matter. I'm not criticising at all because I do the same and I know I do and struggle not to because of the years of conditioning. My H is being ok too at the moment. And I think it makes things worse. It just messes with your mind more when you see the 'nice' part of them. Keep posting and we will get there.

My husband is making an effort, and I am less angry with him than I was last week. He is without doubt the master of his own misery. His sexual behaviour towards me has always been odd and has left me really feeling alone and awkward, and used. Of course, he thinks he is being 'affectionate'. Really I wasn't aware that displays of affection left your partner screaming inside and curling up in a ball. My husband hates it when I sneeze. He loses it when I have suggested he just wants someone to Cook, Fuck and Clean. Which is really what it feels like. Most of the time. It is a massive relief that he has moved out of my bedroom. I really can breathe again.

Honest opinions then. I want another baby. I'm getting on. I'm actually debating sticking it out to get pregnant. Morally wrong? Probably.

God it pisses me off to read of all these men behaving like this. Why the bloody he'll do we put up with it? I'm actually ashamed of myself.

I was 40 when my 2nd arrived. I have a friend who was a week off 46 when her 2nd arrived. Yes, wanting children is bloody awful. When people I knew were having more I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Another woman I knew had a still birth. Shit happens. I put up with a lot in retrospect. I did not say to myself, actually this is really shit. It is hard to articulate. Really hard to admit it to oneself and to admit it to anyone else. Especially without the bruises. And of course the shame. And then of course it gets a bit better and you start to doubt yourself... On and on and on. It is hard to leave. I am meeting someone tomorrow. Right now I can't quite believe this has happened. The anger has passed. So on it goes. It will be the first time that I articulate to another real life person how my relationship has been. So perhaps it will bring it home to me a bit.. Still not easy to admit or accept.

Morning tiger (I think that's better than easy......)

I really hope it goes well for you today and you get what you need from it.

If you ask anyone who knows me to describe they'd say 'she doesn't take any crap, and is straight down theline' except at home it seems. Why?! I don't know.

Really wishing you well today. I work closely with our local refuge and know how hard it is to take the first step.

confused I'm ashamed of myself too. I feel weak and quite pathetic. I'm a grown woman with choices who is paralysed by a man who is an awful human being. I'm not in a position to advise about another baby but I would think about being stuck for longer with someone you really don't like.

easy yes it gets a bit better and you doubt your own mind. You sound so down. How did your appointment go?

I feel like I can't let this cycle keep repeating itself. I am thoroughly fed up with it. Yet I want another baby so for me there would be a gain for sticking it out a bit longer. I don't think I'd have one if we split now. You can never tell of course. I know many people would be horrified.

I know it's an awful position to be in. And there's always that niggling doubt things might be ok. I've stayed 5 years too long already and am sick to death of the cycle. It's so ingrained in my life now. I seriously doubt I could have a normal relationship so think why bother leaving this one. I just look at him and feel nothing at all. I think I'm dead inside.

Peggy

You can escape this. You can contact Woman's Aid or your local Womams refuge for advice, they help women like yourself. They help with housing, furniture and benefits - everything

I don't know if you work? It's common for abusers to either keep the woman at home so that she is totally reliant on them and has no financial means of her own, this helps them feel in control, some abusers though insist the woman goes to work whilst she also manages the home and child, this is so the wife can pay for all child related costs and a hefty share of their wage goes on food & utilities whereas this frees up his salary for himself!

quite thank you. Some days I feel like I will be able to leave. Others like today I don't. He just carries on as normal and I really do feel like it's me. If I suggest anything is wrong, to him they are 'stupid' things or he looks at me like I've got 3 heads. So ive stopped saying anything. I already feel like shit, saying anything just makes things worse. So I'm quietly dying inside. I've spoken to women's aid, she just listened really. I work (and do all the house/child related stuff as you predicted) and could manage ok with the equity out of the house. My one and only fear is him. Telling him. His reaction. Him making my life more of a living he'll than it already is. I give him so much power and I don't know how to change it.

The only way is to change yourself first. I got counseling and one year later I have achieved so much. I am yet to leave but got me drivers license and my own bank account. I have started saving and note geek so much less scared of him because I have my independence back. Not fully but I am making small steps everyday. It started with changing me and not trying to change him. He can do what he wants I dint have to let it affects me.

Is therapy possible for you?