Why is it so hard to leave an emotionally abusive man?

[peggy29]

I posted here 2 years ago. I was given amazing advice from people who gave their time to help me. I can't face linking to it because I feel a big fat failure for not leaving then. I've been with H over 20 years. I found our from here and the advice I was given he is emotionally abusive. He's my only ever relationship. He's worn me down over the years until I became a walking she'll with no thoughts or feelings of my own. After my thread on here I started to stand up for myself more. I detached and started doing more with my friends and basically tried to get some self esteem. When I did this he started to reduce the ea. He would back track when I pulled him up, he started to do it less when I didn't tolerate it.
So to now. I still want to leave. I don't love him, I don't like him. I've done all the research, I've copied all the documents I need. Yet I still can't find the strength to tell him it's over. It's like he still has hold. I'm still scared of something and it's stopping me. I want someone to jump into my body for a day and do it for me. It's all I think about all day, every day. I'm wasting my life, I know it. I've read every 'what was your last straw ' thread on here.
I also feel it was my fault. When I stopped putting up with it, he stopped doing it. I could've stopped this year's ago. I'm unhappy, I've read on here that's enough reason to leave, but It doesn't feel like it is. Sorry for the ramble, I need to get it out.

Thanks kirk I've already left it far too long and I know I will regret it in the future. What point did you get to where you finally left? Sorry I'm searching for some magic answer but I know deep down there isn't one.

I did want to end it before he walked away. Towards the end I became a little nuts. I would attempt NC one day and broke it the next day. I also forced myself to do online dating just I could move on. But it didn't help. Then he "left". He would still text me saying how much he missed me, how sad he was about the breakup and would ask me for coffee. We were on friendly terms for about 2 months. Then one day I realised I couldn't do this anymore. At least not for now so I went no contact. Then shortly later on I found out from a mutual friend that he had a new gf and hid it behind my back. He started to see this girl while we were still sleeping (we already broke up back then tho). So technically he cheated on her. Now I believe sometimes abusers aren't just abusive. There might be something nasty behind the scene you don't know about.

There is no magic answer. Recently I met a couple of good guys who I'd date without a doubt if they were single. It makes me realise how many good cute guys are out there who are smarter, kinder, more respectful and more attractive. And I refuse to think they are all taken. If I continue to mess around with this prick I'd never get myself a nice guy.

It took me to find out he was yet again having his cake and eating it 🎂 , it had to be the end for me , given him too many chances , I was losing respect for myself , he is still ow ( work colleague or tart !) two kids aged 6 and12 ! He text me up to last week when absolute came through I wish I could turn the click back , well I deserve to be treated better ,hardest thing ever it omg I know I have done the right thing for me kids and yes him !! Karma he can have his new young family until he gets sick of them !

allofyou all the back and forward must have been really difficult. But you have been so strong to get out. Going no contact with my h is not an option as we have dc. I really hope you find someone lovely to share your life with soon.
kirk my self respect has gone too. I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to leave. I'm glad you know you have done the right thing. Good luck to you too.

My dad has serious anger issues and was abusive before. One time he even hit my mum because of me. I grew up thinking my dad was the greatest man in my life and I ended up subconsciously picking men like my dad. I am from a culture where sons are more valued but my dad paid most attention to me out of his three kids. I grew up thinking abuse was just some bumps on the road for a normal couple. Mum was submissive her entire life and people say I react to abuse just like my mum. It's sad that I love my dad so much but didn't realise what a prick he was to my mum and that I ended up picking pricks like him. Something you might want to think about for your kids.

Hi. I know it will be the hardest thing you do but you only get one life and you deserve to be happy. Staying with this man is making you unhappy. Can you maybe try to imagine life without him and let that inspire you? Good luck .

I come over as tough but it took me 25 years to leave mine. It doesn't help that I'm the world's greatest procrastinator and had so much going on at the time that the logistics terrified me. Now my life is far less cluttered, but the most important thing is that I can be me. I rediscovered my sense of humour and my temper has never been better. I don't do everything right and I do beat myself up about it, but I don't have someone else pointing out all the time where I've failed (even when I haven't!). It's so much more relaxing.

An abuser is an expert at keeping you revolving around them so you can't think for yourself. Everything is about their thoughts and feelings rather than yours, everything you do is geared to their reactions; so although in one way it's like a kind of gaol, it's also what gives structure to your life. You know where you are, the satellite of a powerful planet. What satellite would dare to pull away and drift off into space on its own? The fact is, though, you are a planet in your own right and after a few wobbles you'd soon establish your own orbit. (Apologies to astronomers for ghastly liberties with the science there!)

I do wonder whether it's because women are designed, by nature, socialisation or both, to subsume their needs for others' when bringing up small demanding babies. If we didn't do that the human race would be in trouble. We want to do everything for our children as long as they need us to, everything we do even when we're out doing our own stuff has to have them at the back of all arrangements, for the decades it takes them to become independent. An abuser hijacks these lovely nurturing habits and turns them to their own foul purpose to keep you not only hooked, but kind of wanting to be hooked, and feeling you are wrong and evil to get selfish and break out. You're allowed, though. Really, you're allowed.

Honey, hold my hand... You can do this. I was in your shoes not so long ago. You deserve better. Every day you delay is a day less in your new free life.

Thank you for all your replies.
annie that is so accurate. Our whole life is dependant on his moods and his needs. I honestly don't know how I got to this point when 2 decades ago I was my own person. But now I'm filled with doubts about my own thoughts and decisions. I too am constantly corrected. It sounds like little things but he told me once. "I've done my bit of painting and gone back over yours because you've missed loads". I KNOW I hadn't missed anything. It was just said to make me feel that little bit shittier and like I can't do anything right. There's loafs of more serious ea stuff but it seems the ea is woven into else most every interaction we have had in some way. Even down to me not packing shopping correctly and parking my car at the wrong angle. I'm just so worn down and I think this exhaustion is also sapping my strength to do anything. I know there's not an easy answer. I'm glad you got out and are much happier now. 25 years is a long time to be with someone like that and manage to find ourself again.

Thank you mrsdarcy and asingle I appreciate your support. I know my life will be do much better, hopefully soon xxx

Feel your pain and I for one know how hard it is to throw in the towel. I'm close very close myself. That final push is the hardest. It get to the point where I have plucked up the courage to leave but then he behaves but a few weeks later goes back to the same old emotional abuse. Sometimes that's harder than physical. Mine is currently sulking downstairs for some reason or other. He was fine when I called him at 3.30 to discuss how I had got on at a hospital appointment but when he came through the door at 5pm he had a face like a smacked Arse, refused to speak to me and refused offers of food with a curt No. He hasn't spoke to me since. This could last 5 mins, 5 hours, 5 days or 5 weeks. Who knows?? He will come up with something I did for the reason he is in the bad mood. It could be I kept him on the phone 2.8 seconds longer than he thinks I should have been or the sky was the wrong shade of blue that day. Last weekend he didn't speak to me all Friday cause I watched coronation street and he said it was crap and I said I enjoy it ( that make me stupid apparently) Saturday was that I cleaned the house when I got home from shopping instead of listening to his problems and Sunday he went out to the gym at 11am and came back at 5.30 and his dinner wasn't cooked. Wish I could give you the strength to leave and in return it may give me the strength to leave. Always here if needed . Good luck xx

Oh princess he sounds like a total nightmare. I can't watch soaps because he thinks 'they are shit' but of course I don't tell anyone this. The change in moods too. I think this is to keep us on our toes. You just don't know where you are. I like that you seem to have detached and speak about him in a way where you know it's not you. They are so predictable. I am really sad though I don't have anyone to share my life with and love. I have my dc but I am quite an affectionate person and love cuddles. I haven't had any of this for years and I long for it so much. It's odd isn't it, I feel like I could come to your house and tell your h he's a total fucking arse hole, get out and never come back. But I'm struggling to do it to my own H who is an equally massive arse. Sigh

I think the difficulty is fear of the unknown. Someone once told me leaving a bad relationship was like escaping from an igloo. Yeah, you're free, but its fucking cold out there!

Hi Peggy, until very recently I was in your position. Then I just did it. Yup, that was horrible day saying the words, and the couple of days until I could actually move out, but three months later, I am thankful every day that I did. Everyone tells me I am different person now; I feel I can cope with anything life throws at me. Please be strong; you won't look back.

Why not leave a note?

Have you got anywhere you can go? Or does he need to leave?
Can you get as much stuff 'ready' as possible? See solicitor etc?

You said it yourself , you think it's your fault. Also after being controlled it's scary having to make your own decisions.
It's not your fault, you deserve better.

mumofseven I think it is definitely fear of the unknown as well as not trusting my own judgement. He's all I've known, I have nothing and no one to compare him to.
what I'm so pleased you got out. Well done. I keep thinking my 'just do it' moment will come but it's just not happening.
ciele I really need him to go. I need the money out of the house to start again.
forever I think I am ready as much as I can be. I think I'm detached. I have all the documents I need. It's just the last bit.
Thank you spanky after 20 years of everything being my fault I don't know how not to feel like everything is. That sounds utterly ridiculous but even when I tell myself it's not my fault I don't believe it iykwim.

Just wanted to add my support. I'm in a very similar situation though am trying to focus on the practical stuff I need to do to facilitate my "escape' (eg. driving lessons so that I'm not reliant on him for childcare drop offs as i have a super early work start) Who knows if I'll still be stalling when I'm practically 'ready' to go. I am reading Lundy Bancroft's The Daily Wisdom which has bite size snippets based on his main book to get through the loneliness, isolation and self doubt of living with an emotionally abusive man. I strongly recommend it!

It took me a year to get up the courage to leave. He cheated which gave me an excuse after, I think it's hard to leave because they make you doubt yourself and what happened and know when they've gone too far and can reel you back in with civil behaviour which to you looks like loving affection compared to the abuse. I made sure I told everybody what he did so I would be too embarrassed to go back.

It is very hard. I think there is a lot of shame involved. Guilt, fear, all sorts of really quite frightening things. Because of what happened to me as a child, I have felt frankly unwanted and unworthwhile, and worthless. It never occured to me that boys or anyone else would be interested in me, but just like most people, I longed to feel loved. I know that my husband thinks I'm a useless cunt. He has told me often enough. But I really am beginning to feel free of him and start looking around, this time for real. It's really quite refreshing to find a little bit of me in there somewhere. I'm meeting someone from a refuge next week. I've told the dcs' schools what's going on. I have no idea what the future holds, but I do feel as though I'm a bit more in the driving seat. You are absolutely not alone.

Hi Peggy, I would also like to offer my support. I am in the same predicament as you. I have been with my dh for over twenty years, children are now late teens, early twenties. I have been going to counselling for nearly a year and although we have established that he is abusive, it is very hard for my head to believe it. I swing back and forth between leaving him and staying put, but like you, I have never lived on my own and I wonder how I will manage financially. My parents were abusive, so I also didn't know any different. I read back through my journal and it is scary to see how much I repress about what he has done. I think I need to keep going with the counselling, she is my link to reality. She says it it similar to Stockholm Syndrome. I have tried to end it with him but he talks me round. He can be nice sometimes, but like yours, he chips away at everything I do. My confidence is low, I am overweight and frequently depressed. I wonder how the hell I got into this state. I am slowly working on it.

Thank you all for your support. Though I'm sorry there are so many of us in this situation.
diege those practical steps are moving you closer and learning to drive is a massive step towards independence so well done you. And thank you for the recommendation of the book. I will have a look at it. I had the lundy 'why does he do that' book but it has mysteriously disappeared.

ellieb yes my H is currently in the nice phase. It makes it really difficult to do anything at times like this and the doubts just set in more. I wish he would cheat, sounds mad but it would be so much more clear cut and the decision is made for me. I'm such a coward.
Oh easy I hope the meeting goes well and it's good you are starting to find yourself, even if it is just a glimpse. It's so difficult with DC, even the logistics of moving anywhere is a nightmare but it will be worth it. It sounds like you had a difficult childhood too. I hope you manage to escape soon.
georgia I totally relate to believing the abuse. I know he is but don't believe it. Which is a contradiction I know but I suppose it's the guilt and everything being my fault. How can he be abusive when everything is my fault. It must be something I have done (is what my brain says). Your counselling sounds really good and your lifeline to clarity in your life. I hope you can keep it going. I too have been talked round. It's my biggest regret at the moment. I got out but didn't stay out. I don't want to make that mistake again. I can't face being here in another 2, 10 or 20 years. Are you getting some help with your depression? That may just be another stepping stone to freedom if you are feeling a little better.

How do they manage to talk us round and get us believing in them again? We are hardly love's young dream, but he won't let me go. I too, wish he would have an affair, it would be an easy route out. I feel like I need his permission to separate, but he is never going to do that. I could manage it if he would just leave the house, but I still have to live with him in the interim period of selling up and obtaining a divorce. I totally relate to the fear of the unknown. I think my depression is caused by being with him, when he is away with work I am so much happier! I am exercising and seeing friends, I also have some new career plans. I think I have to get my life into order and then I can make the final leap. I honestly believe that I will do this and you will too. I'm just going to have to feel the fear and do it anyway. We can't spend the rest of our lives in an abusive relationship, life is too short.