Have You Ever Left Someone Because You Couldn't Handle Their Disability/Condition Anymore?

[GirlInASwirl]

This is probably going to raise a few eyebrows...but it's life. So let's crack on...

I got involved with someone who has recently been diagnosed with a form of high-functioning Autism. We have been together for just over 5 years. I knew he was different from the moment that we met; but that didn't necessarily put me off. We are on opposite paths in almost everything we do/think about.

Underneath the condition; he has been a nice guy. I get occasional glimmers of him liking me - a bit. Most of the time though; being with him is extremely hard work physically and emotionally. Every conversation shows how different we are to each other. And most lead to arguments. He has to win and there is no compromise! I want a quiet life (see there's one opposite straightaway!).

I was expecting over time that there would be some movement towards a middle ground; but that hasn't really happened.

I am starting to realise that maybe I could only live with his condition if there was some form of change (even if just a morsel). we tried to access support services but there is no help in our area. I have been told he can't change- and I can't accept things as they are now. I hate the idea of having to leave him because of his condition; but in reality when that condition batters you every day - what can I do?

Any advice?

Meadow, that's a very moving post. May I ask how you signal your changes and your effort? I ask because Dh also works bloody hard trying to make things easier for us, and I fear I don't pick it up the whole time. I'd like to be more appreciative.

Girl, sorry to distract.

Other posters, pl don't give girl a hard time on expectation. . When you enter one of these relationships you don't understand what it's going to be like, day to unremitting day, unless you've been in one before. And you do hope for the sort of thing that Meadow is talking about, adjustments. because it's a spectrum, it's hard to know what's reasonable and what isn't. It's not like living with someone who has only one leg, constant, predictable, visible beforehand, with quite a lot of relevant support elsewhere.

Hear Hear Themod.

I don't think it's fair to blast OP for expecting things to improve because it can be difficult to realise how severely someone is affected by autism and in what ways, whether there are support networks locally, that sort of thing and I guess everyone is optimistic at the start of a new relationship!

Themod What do you mean by "signal" changes? Is your husband on the spectrum? If you want you can PM me

Like PPs have said, I think you've fundamentally misunderstood the nature of what you e got yourself into. Expecting him to be able to meet your needs if you ask clearly / make positive changes / develop together just is not going to be possible - that is the studies of his problems. Expecting and waiting for these changes is depressing and tiring for both of you, as well as rather selfish imo. Certainly more selfish than leaving because you realise you made a mistake.

The nature of his problems, not the 'studies' (?) of his problems.

Great post above, MeadhowHay - thank you.

I also often don't pick up on the changes dh makes, at considerable cost to himself - we have had that just this weekend. He has to point them out to me, then I am grateful. I obviously don't mean to be oblivious to his efforts, far from it.

Here's a link to the site mentioned above, if anyone's interested (it's not my site, I just go on there as a user):

www.different-together.co.uk/?metaurl=home

I split from DH because the behaviour his bipolar brought with it was impossible to function with. That's kind of different though because bipolar can be somewhat managed or controlled and DH is aware of his bipolar being a problem. Sounds like your DP isn't aware it presents any challenges in his relationship with you?

Thank you for the supportive comments. Think meadow and Themod are hitting it on the head. In my case, I met my partner before he was diagnosed. He is very intelligent, funny. He was aware (to an extent) that he had problems with relationships across a wide spectrum and that he is different. Once I'd known them for a bit, his family had suggested privately that they had struggled with aspects of his behaviour. I just saw little oddities at the beginning (OCD traits, not liking my possessions in his front room, asking me if I 'had money' on our first date, focusing on details all the time rather than a larger picture). He was largely unaware of these traits and was unable to say why he was doing things. I started to do my research. As time progressed we saw more of his PDD at home - the ignoring of everyone for hours whilst he pursued his obsessions, the total lack of empathy/reciprocity, the pursuing of arguments until I had to leave the house (he had to be right), the lack of physical affection. I have fought with myself. He is obviously in need - but it is hurting me to be there. In truth, no one can understand the complexities and subtleties of PDD unless they have lived with someone with it. It is nothing like any other relationship I've had. It takes every previous expectation of relationships and upturns them. As a partner you have to forget some of your own basic needs. There is a grieving process that comes and goes. I am in a relationship where I sleep alone (he has apnea and snores -refuses to do anything there), I act like a single parent for my child, Do 90 percent of the housework, I'm cuddle-starved, have no one to talk to in the evenings often.... It has taken me a while to realise that he is not interested in making the little concessions I need for him to be some sort of partner. I don't agree that it is 'arrogant' to ask for these things, it's about looking after yourself and your child. It does take a longer time to get to know someone with Autism/PDD - especially when they are also getting to know themselves.

I have every respect for anyone that can make a success of an ASD/NT relationship. I'm just not sure I (personally) can be that self sacrificing.

On another point all the professionals we have seen are in a different situation to us. They have had children with the condition. I think this is fundamentally different as unconditional love dictates that you have to do the best with your situation. With a partner you can walk away.

I'd like to thank Pigeon for her contribution. Yes living with people with bipolar is a definitely a challenge. In some ways it can be similar in that the person becomes insular when they are stressed, you have to put your needs to one side to help, that your emotional needs are not a partnership priority when someone is on 'the swing'. There may be times of obsession/excess too which can steamroller the partnership. It can also be mentally exhausting. I think it takes tremendous courage to realise when things have run the course and it's time to focus on yourself again.

Girl , yes it's v different from a parenting relationship. Tbh, brutally h, you have to think about getting some if your needs met elsewhere, if they are top priority and you want to stay. One needs to be clinical / diagnostic about priorities and potential outcomes.

Meadow, yes he is and I shall pm you, thanks.

I'm not sure that having to 'win' arguments is particularly an ASD thing, it sounds more like a personality trait, there are loads of men who have to win arguments.

I say this because I'm not convinced that this relationship is not working purely because of the PPD. I think you are not well suited, you say 'every conversation shows how different we are'.

Perhaps you've always told yourself that all the relationship difficulties are due to his condition, but perhaps you just don't get on that well irrespective of that.

You can say he can't change because of his condition and that's true, but even if he didn't have it he wouldn't change anyway.

Needing to win, particularly arguments, is very much an ASC thing, Twinklestein. You can see it all the time on the internet.

It's ASD to be argumentative, to be dogmatic and rigid in your thinking, to be pedantic and literal, to get wound up, but to having to win is a very specific thing and I'm not convinced it can be specifically attributed to ASD.

Thinking you're right and not listening to the other person, yes.

There are men all over the internet determined to win arguments, and statistically, most of them don't have ASD.

DP could be like that without ASD, and it would cause problems all the same.

Have you ASC yourself, Twinklestein? Many people with ASC have told me that having to win, having to be top dog, is part of the condition.

Of course not all men who need to win have ASC! That would indeed be an absurd claim. No-one is making that claim.

Twinklestein, what do you think being argumentative is about, if it's not about winning?

Yes. And it's like groundhog day. The same things over and over.

Walk a mile and all that…..

what do you think being argumentative is about, if it's not about winning?

All kinds of things - a negative attitude, irritability, general bolshiness, bad mood, contrary or quarrelsome nature, dislike of being asked or told do do things etc...

Some ASD types don't like confrontation at all and retreat at the first sign of it.

You may be describing yourself but you are not describing my dh.

I'm currently in the process of diagnosis. It was the main factor in splitting up with my ex who swore that she would never be with anybody who wasn't neurotypical again, and I can't say I blame her.

Neither you nor he can change his condition but he could perhaps be willing to change the way he deals with things. I change all sorts of things that I don't really get - as a trivial example it's important to other people that they get birthday cards, preferably within a day or so of their actual birthday, I don't get this at all (and probably never will) but I can change my behaviour to make sure they get a card, because on an intellectual level I know it is important to them.

I'm in a long term relationship now. In some ways it's extremely simple (we don't dissemble with each other, we say what we want in a way that has NT people wincing) and in other ways it can be hard especially for my partner who is (I think) NT.

Your DH is not the only example of a very varied condition, nor am I talking about myself.

I was drawn to your post as I believe my husband is a sociopath and it's extremely hard to cope with & I'm very lonely.

I believe he is a sociopath because he doesn't have any empathy for others, has a highly successful job, is charming but there's nothing behind the mask, no emotion at all. He is cold.

In the last few weeks I have been to see a psychologist about our sons lack of empathy & worring violent thoughts (he's only 7). The psychologist thinks my son may be a psychopath. This was my greatest fear & im sick with worry. My husband simply said 'that's like me' but refuses to elaborate any further apart from telling me he doesn't have violent thoughts (which is why I've said sociopath & not psychopath).

Apart from being frightened I'm living with psychopaths I'm very lonely and in need of support. I am confident I've put a good plan in place to help my son. But I'd like someone to share this burden with. My husband has no advice, no support, nothing to offer. The only thing he wants to talk to me about is food & sex.

I need some support to keep myself strong & focused on how to help my son.

Any help would be appreciated.

GirlInASwirl thank you for posting about your partners Aspergers. I hope u don't mind me posting on here about my husband. From what I've researched high functioning Aspergers can be very similar to being a sociopath (as I think my husband is) I wish u all the luck & strength u need.