How do I change this dynamic?

[AKAmyself]

I'm really upset with Dh. We have a good supportive relationship but there's something not right with our sex life and idk how to change it. Put simply - Dh doesn't "do"'intimacy outside of sex, no occasional kiss, no cuddles, no holding my hand or hugging me before we fall asleep, in summary very little body contact. He also complains regularly that I don't make myself available to him sexually enough (as in - we don't have sex frequently enough). After a few days when we haven't done it he becomes sulky, uncommunicative, and passive aggressive. I know he's punishing me for it and I hate it. He claims I'm never in the mood, but I disagree completely and I tell him that the reason I'm not in the mood is that he doesn't create the conditions for me to be in the mood , he expects me to simply switch it on from zero to 100 whenever he feels like it.

This week was a case in point. I worked last weekend and was exhausted (though we still had sex on Sunday noght). He was away mon-tue and came back late on wed night when I was already asleep. Thursday night I went to bed at 10 I was so knackered and he tried to initiate it but I was basically already asleep and said I was too tired for it. Well, yesterday he came home from work, didn't say a wOrd to me, read all evening and went to sleep without a word. This morning he's still not talking to me and he's now left without speaking.
.
As I write this I'm getting really angry and depressed. I realise I am always actively counting the days we go without it and making sure we don't go over 3 or I know it will be awful between us. I enjoy it but it's very much something to tick off my to do list to make sure we keep harmony in the home. But I should be allowed to say not if I'm truly exhausted as I was on Thursday after 12 straight days of work with no breaks, right?

This is so unromantic isn't it. I resent him for making this so transactional (is it too much to ask to go out once in a while, have dinner together, or simply spend us time ? He never plans or wishes for anything like this. I've stopped planning for things like these as I find it just too depressing to always be the one driving this kind of intimacy) and he resents me for not putting out more.

It's all so unhealthy but he refuses to even talk about it and acknowledge we have a problem. As far as he's concerned I am the problem.

I love him dearl, I am attracted to him and our relationship is otherwise great but this is too much. I know I'm going to have to initiate sex tonight to make peace (after a day of him having treated me like shit) and I cannot tell you what a turnoff this is.

How can I change this dynamic?

[RandomMess]

Yes things did improve partly to do the rows - me losing the plot over the sulking and no longer pandering to it (the sulking was always about sex but usually linked to him feel unloved/insecure etc). The breakthrough in emotional dynamics was through therapy.

So much of how we behave is subconscious and it is difficult to change so you can only change your response to his sulking tbh by calling him on it and not initiating sex to smooth things over. Yes you will argue etc. but in the longer term you will be both happier by getting rid of a dynamic that is very unhealthy for both you.

[Marchate]

Emotional abuse (tick)
Sexual abuse (tick)
Coercion (tick)

Good luck with putting it down to the dynamics within your relationship. Even if you have no doubts that you are right, do a bit of reading. You owe yourself knowledge because 'knowledge is power' to quote the cliché

[LizKeen]

Well, nothing is ever going to change while you are in denial about what is actually happening. Why does his need to feel loved and wanted, through sex, trump your need to feel loved and wanted, through regular intimacy?

It might feel as though he isn't doing this intentionally. But if you have brought it up with him before and he didn't take that on board, and he continues to be passive aggressive and sulky unless sex meets his schedule, then that has moved from something understandable (due to his childhood) into something very purposeful.

He has a choice in his actions. He is coercing you into sex. You refused him and the next day he sulked. You say you are distant to hurt him, but in the OP you said that on Thurs you refused him because you were exhausted. That is not a purposeful action, it is a fact of life.

The next time you feel like you need to have sex to appease him, or to solve the sulking, don't do it. Instead, address the sulking. Ask him why he is being distant. Tell him that the passive aggressive behaviour doesn't make you want to have sex with him, and ask does he still expect you to do it when you are feeling like you don't want to.

[EasyToEatTiger]

It's bloody difficult disentangling what is and what is not acceptable. I have posted here about bad things and been told, run run run. The seriousness of the situation is finally beginning to sink in and today I spoke to WA. Well done for raising the issue. It is serious. You may well endure a lot longer before you realise whether it is or isn't something you can work together on. For the measure, the WA woman I spoke to was really kind about what I was saying, she validated my concerns, and she recognised that I am not yet in a position to leave.