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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

please someone talk to me im falling apart

75 replies

whatamerryxmas · 04/03/2016 01:49

Is anyone up? Pls somebody talk to me ive just found my boyfriends profile online wish id never looked now i dont know what to do im shaking and keep being sick
Ive got so much going on in my personal life atm i cant take this aswell

OP posts:
whatamerryxmas · 06/03/2016 02:46

Hes never been violent to me just v.verbally nasty and the really rough/dominant/degrading sex is a recent thing i dont know whats caused that as he never used to be like it

OP posts:
TheSinkingFeeling · 06/03/2016 02:48

I agree with not confronting him face to face; what will you gain? He'll just bullshit you, and part of you will want to believe it.
Very worried about these bruises from sex! 'Showing you who's boss'? He sounds pretty vile and abusive, but because of your low self esteem you're not thinking of that.

TheSinkingFeeling · 06/03/2016 02:50

Honestly, you don't need this awful man in your life. It might not seem like that to you now though.

whatamerryxmas · 06/03/2016 02:51

How should i do it then? I wanted to let him know hes not as clever as he thinks n i found him out....but also kind of wanted to see the look on his face
If i just send him a text saying i know he just wont reply

OP posts:
TheSinkingFeeling · 06/03/2016 02:53

If you want to tell him, do it by text. It doesn't sound safe to have this man anywhere near you or your children.
It sounds like he's been isolating you with the work thing; classic abusers trick.

TheSinkingFeeling · 06/03/2016 02:55

Splitting up with anyone can be very painful, even if they're a dick. It's not unusual for you to feel like this, you've had a big shock.

tomatodizzy · 06/03/2016 03:08

don't get into a power struggle with him. Get him out of your life asap. Just break it off. You did yourself a favour. Maybe you have a guardian angel or whatever but he sounds vile.This is your lucky escape. If you are feeling low it can be easy to fall into the wrong arms. A sexually abusive cheater is not going to nurture you through these bad times.

Muldjewangk · 06/03/2016 04:59

He told you to take the Redundancy, seems like really bad advice to me. What's the bet he helps you spend it on him then leaves you for one of his new Online dates. Then you won't have the job you love and you will have to look for another job. Please at least try to keep your job.

Even if you sort this out this time OP, he will do it again and again. He is a cheater, he is not the person you want him to be.

daisychain01 · 06/03/2016 08:05

how can i make myself stay just angry rather than hurt?

That's a question only you can answer, along with how can I stop wasting emotional energy on a man who does not care about me.

He isn't worth any more of your effort and thinking time.

What is stopping you from blocking him on your mobile, stopping him entering your house and ceasing all contact from today?

whatamerryxmas · 06/03/2016 11:18

I guess because i want him to know i know what hes been up to want him to know the hurt hes caused etc
Closure i guess????
I cant get my job back i took redundancy and have left now as he went on n on at me how stupid i would be to not take it
Hes messed with my head that much i dont trust my own judgement

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/03/2016 11:31

I know it's not ideal to take your 8 year old out of school but can I strongly recommend that you go and visit your family for a few weeks.

I would consider relocating to be near them if they would be a positive support network for you?

You need to block and delete this abusive bloke from your life - he will continue to use and abuse you.

Hugs Flowers

LeaLeander · 06/03/2016 13:14

Yes. He's not worth another moment of your life. This is your LIFE and that of your child that is being wasted on him, not some stupid TV drama. Who cares if he ever "knows that you are on to him"?? It changes nothing.

You need to focus on practical matters, not drama. The advice to visit your family and block communication with him is wise.

TheSilveryPussycat · 06/03/2016 14:11

He won't give a fuck about the hurt he's caused. He never has, has he?

Stormtreader · 08/03/2016 13:40

Is the change in sex from around the same time as you took the redundancy? My guess is he thinks that now you dont have a job, he can do whatever he wants to you because you dont have anyone else to turn to.

He thinks that, but it doesnt have to be true! Ditch him, connect with your old friends again, and once you feel up to it then get cracking on finding a new job! This could be the start of getting things back on track for you, it doesnt have to be the end of it :)

whatamerryxmas · 10/03/2016 22:41

Hi
Sorry i havent replied been having trouble with my wifi
Is anyone around to talk???? Im confronting him ( or letting him know i know by msg ) tomorrow morning ... for reasons ill explain in a bit if anyones interested and im shitting myself but dont know why :(
Feel so panicky i cant eat or sleep and am just sat drinking wine and chain smoking

OP posts:
whatamerryxmas · 10/03/2016 23:13

The change in sex was before i took the redundancy but our jobs were looking uncertain...maybe its around the time he set up his profile as from what hes put its fairly new :(

OP posts:
tomatodizzy · 11/03/2016 07:44

You probably feel panicky because you are afraid of him. My guess is he wont let you go easily. Be strong and stay safe Flowers

imsuchafool12345 · 11/03/2016 08:02

I hope it all goes well for you when you confront him. I have just gone through your post. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. stay strong and don't back down you need to know to clear your own head. FlowersChocolate (too early for wine haha)

RidersOnTheStorm · 11/03/2016 08:03

I wouldn't bother confronting him. Just dump him. He's abusive and deceitful and you deserve better.

Goingtobeawesome · 11/03/2016 08:09

He's gearing up to rape you by the sounds of it if he hasn't already.

Get yourself some help as you are in an abusive controlling relationship.

emm02a · 11/03/2016 08:24

I have something to talk about but not sure under which topic it comes under. I need some Mums advice regarding my husband and intimacy. We have been married three years and have a 22 month old and and 5 and a half month old baby, intimacy takes a back seat due to how young both our children are and the amount of time I give to them both. My 22 month old daughter is going through the terrible two's stage I.e mood swings, tantrums etc... and of course she's very time consuming when she's like this. I have both of my children in a bedtime routine which goes very well depending on my daughters mood, sometimes she takes longer to put to bed. I'm a stay at home Mum and with my children 24/7, my husband works 5-6 days a week and when he comes home I wait on him hand and foot aswell.

Mine and my husbands intimacy levels have reduced due to how time consuming our daughter is and by the time she's asleep and after all the running around I've done for my little family I'm usually very tired and just want to sleep when my husband initiates sex. I have obliged and most of the time give him what he wants regardless of how tired I am. I have on occasion said no and explained why which he used to accept however recently this has changed and he has become very resentful and angry towards me. He has threatened to physically harm and has hurt me in front of our daughter. He accuses me of not being intrested in him and has threatened that he'll go and find someone else to have sex with. I caught him once on webcam masturbating over a random woman after I had our daughter and he blamed me for being too tired to give him what he wanted and physically hurt me then

About two weeks ago he accused me of seeing other Men behind his back and called me a whore. I have access to social media but far too busy most of the time to go on there as I'm with our children. I'm a stay at home Mum, the only time I go out is with him, his Mum or when I take my daughter to toddler group other than that I don't go out.

I came from an abusive background, my father abused me from a child upwards so trust is a big thing with Me. When I first met my husband he was like a dream come true, my perfect match etc. ..... but now..... He says I'm not happy anymore and have issues, I have talked to him before and said if he keeps being nasty I will leave, I can't take anymore abuse and blame. I'm stuck in a rut and don't know what to do. I love my husband more than anything, he's and our kids are my life but he just doesn't respect me or love me the way he used too.... I need some advice

whatamerryxmas · 11/03/2016 18:34

Ive just noticed that his profile is yellow which means hes an upgraded member ffs :(
So gutted ive ignored his calls but havent sent the msg yet as my mate says he will twist this all round on me n say he put it on there to trap me ie see if i was going on looking for blokes and found it

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 11/03/2016 18:50

Stop caring what this abuser thinks.

Time to make a choice.

whatamerryxmas · 11/03/2016 18:59

Very easy to say stop caring...but thanks

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 11/03/2016 19:35

I know it's hard but he's hurting you and there's no point saying otherwise. Care for yourself instead.

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