Living with family estrangement

[Imbroglio]

I've been thinking about this for a while.

I am estranged. I don't miss those people [shudder!] but I do miss being part of a family. And I really feel for my kids who have so little family in their lives.

I feel that the Stately Homes thread is great for dealing with the inevitable interactions and stresses with people who are just no good for you, but I felt I wanted somewhere just to think about the reality of being an ex- family member.

Also it worries me when people recommend going no contact (nc) at the drop of a hat. It's a really tough way to live.

Yes, that's it. It's what you should have had.

It's also all around you that lots of other people have families who provide that bedrock of emotional support and basic family loyalty.

Imbroglio, all you can do is look after yourself firstly, then your own immediate family (DH and DCs), and your DM.

You have a plan about your DMs paperwork, and you are already doing the "looking after" her part.

Facilitating others visiting could be useful for everyone - if it suits you. There are things like public transport etc, and I am sure that the facility can have visitors there without you needing to be involved.

Do you have POA or similar for your DM? Certainly if the home have always dealt with you, they would assume to continue doing that even when your DM dies, so it will be for you to decide how to arrange things. That can mean facilitating others, but doesn't mean that they need to be allowed make decisions unless you want that to happen.

I hope it keeps going as well as it can for you.

Thanks.

I'm a single parent which is one reason I feel I could do with a bit of friendly support form the wider family. Ex-P is 'unhelpful'.

Yeah I bet it's a hard way to live. It's the way I'm heading and such a hard decision only made harder by people's 'well meaning' comments. Family isn't the everything people make out it is though really. Do you have good friends? Friends are the family you choose as they say xxx

Yes - lots of friends but there is only so much I can expect of them. And sometimes you don't want to go into why these relationships are so toxic for you.

Sorry you are going through this as well. It's not a step that any of us take lightly.

Talk me down....

After ignoring me for months, including important stuff concerning our mums health and finances, I have found a bunch of Easter eggs for me and my (teen/adult) kids dropped outside my door, from my brother and his family.

And I mean, there has been NO communication.

A day or two ago I swore to myself that if he did this I'd ram them back through his letterbox....

I went nc with one of my siblings and it has been almost 1.5yr, I don't miss them but I do feel sad that I don't have any relationship with me dn''s.
I wouldn't go back as I had very good reason to do it but all the time my dm has wished that I would make peace and subtly try to guilt me into doing it.
Now sibling is throwing more toys out the pram full of hate and is succeeding in pushing my dm and other immediate family away.

My brother cannot communicate with me as an equal. He went through family therapy trying to make me out to mentally unstable and aggressive and lied to the therapist.

I wish he'd just Leave. Me. Alone.

WeeHelena I was sad about my nephews until I realised that the kindest thing was to leave them out of it. I am still sad of course but as a relationship with my brother is out of the question I am not going to allow him to use them as a way to hoover me back in.

I guess its natural that mothers want their kids to get on. I would be devastated if my own children didn't have each other to turn to in times of crisis. But it's terribly hard on you to be guilt-tripped about it if that's your decision. You have your reasons!

Thank you i definetly have good reason and my family know it but as with a good amount of familyies they like to appease and brush issues under the carpet and this particular sibling has a massive chip in her shoulder, I chose not to stand for it and I am not a confrontational person.
With my dm I just stated if anything were to happen to her then I would put any issues aside and imagine us siblings would come together for that period for her. That was her line of guilt tripping.

I read the whole thread now I'm sorry for how your brother treats you Imbroglio it sounds like you are better off out of it as much as possible.

If you can keep any contact as matter of fact as possible it might help you not be hurt by their actions or lack of, and with your dm health as it is would it be good for you to seek counselling of some sort that will help get you through?.

Thank you. I'm mostly ok now (though fuming today). I don't seek reconciliation.

I don't understand what reaction he expects from me when he gives me and my kids a gift when the rest of the time communication is a big fat zero and he knows I have no wish for a relationship with him. If he wants a reconciliation, then responding to my messages regarding our mother would be the place to start.

So I can only imagine he does it for his own benefit, so that he can tell the family (and himself) he is lovely and I'm a cunt.

Thank you fan. My 'gift' was left on the doorstep. I think even he knows better than to ring the doorbell!

My 'kids' are old enough to have seen what he and some other family members have done to me over the years (a source of shame for me as I would rather they didn't have to know but I have had to explain the weeks off work with stress, the crying and the ending of contacting with their cousins).

I am fighting down an urge to respond IRL but will stick to letting off steam in here.

How about:

"Thank you Cuntle (insert name) for your Easter gifts. We normally abhor food waste but since its you, we had to make an exception! [attached photo of eggs in the bin]. Signed, your nephews"

Dammit. Fresh rage. .

I had a moment of weakness and opened the card. They have made their young children write out the card.

What is wrong with these arseholes people?

Im no contact with both parents and my sister whilst I do sometimes think I wish I had great parents, like most other people seem to, I don't regret it for a moment. Especially with my mother, who makes me feel physically ill. My parents are extremely manipulative and self-absorbed. I don't even want to get into my sister's unpleasantness. But I get through it all because I have lovely, supportive brothers. & my 2 DDs. Id be lost without them all. My belief is we only have one life, I don't think Id be doing myself any favours by concentrating on horrid, dysfunctional people when I do have good people around me. Im grateful for them and thats what I concentrate on. Im free of my parents' and sister's mindgames, thats the main thing. Have been no contact for just over a year and it would have saved me a lot of angst if Id done it years ago.

((imbroglio)) thank you so much for starting this thread, it is good to know I'm not alone although also sad to see others are going through the same thing. I've been nc with my m and step f for 5 months and even though I know its necessary I've been really struggling with guilt and sadness that I don't have any extended family now.

I'm really sad at the moment about this sort of thing, my mum died 16 years ago it was all very sad. My dad has recently been diagnosed with lung cancer, my sister has shut me out for quite some time now though. As soon as I settled and was happy she really changed, I think she liked me being more unhappy than her. She just doesn't bother , I get over it and then something happens and I get upset again. I feel very sad not to have family that care, but soon she will be my only family member, other than my own children obviously. Sad

Imbroglio Why are the eggs and card so enraging to you?

Random gift giving and the card written by children is exactly the kind of stunt my DM and her flying monkeys would pull.

I find it sad. A bit funny too. They are loons with the social skills of a confused scorpion.

It an act that does no harm to me or the DC. I would just reply politely with a brief text to say "Please say thanks to your DC from my DC for the surprise card and eggs." Then eat the eggs or give them to the food bank.

It upsets me because he's involving the children. Rightly or wrongly I feel he's trying to undermine my relationship with them by looking like Mr nice (notably the few times I've actually asked him to help them he has refused). But he's also using his own children which is likely to be damaging to them.

How is everyone?

I'm ok at the moment. Relative who contacted me last month saying they want to visit hasn't contacted me since, so I don't know what that was all about.