Living with family estrangement

[Imbroglio]

I've been thinking about this for a while.

I am estranged. I don't miss those people [shudder!] but I do miss being part of a family. And I really feel for my kids who have so little family in their lives.

I feel that the Stately Homes thread is great for dealing with the inevitable interactions and stresses with people who are just no good for you, but I felt I wanted somewhere just to think about the reality of being an ex- family member.

Also it worries me when people recommend going no contact (nc) at the drop of a hat. It's a really tough way to live.

Imbroglio

I found out a few weeks ago that my father had died. It has not been a fun time. However somebody said something to me on here that has actually been hugely helpful... "complicated realtionships can lead to complicated grief". (Not least because not all the people left behind act with unmitigated kindness)

She was right. Grief in complicated contexts might not look, or behave in a way that sort of matches many of the "what to expect when you are bereaved" resources. Once I got over my expectation to feel in a certain way and just let the grief do what it wanted to do, it got a little easier.

It's so hard. I feel it more for my DC now, they don't have grandparents as I'm NC with my mother, my father is less than useless and DHs are dead.

I think they feel it when they hear about friends going out with their GPs etc.

ipost that must have been very hard. I'm inferring that the death happened a little while ago and you were not told?

And yes you are right about complicated relationships & grief.

sweetkitty my younger colleagues talk about their relationships with their grandparents and I feel so sad. I don't see many good grandparent relationships in my family.

I'm inferring that the death happened a little while ago and you were not told?

Yes. Found out via somebody's stumble upon the writings of Internet randoms.

It sucks. It's an added complication I could do without. But the really hard part is, my dad is dead. Which is the bit that unifies everybody who grieves.

What sets us apart is the "messy" side of complicated realtionships. It can be quite challenging at times to juggle a big, prickly ball of grief with a sense of shame (cos it's not "tidy and normal"), sometimes intense anger that the grief ball has even had the nerve to chuck itself into the mix, the death of hope and the endless ballet of could have beens, should have beens and why didn't you justs ... pirouetting around in my head.

But I'll get through it.

There's a the silver lining perhaps. We know how to live without people. We had to learn how. So (in theory at least) we have the transferable experience to learn to live without them both alive, and not. It probably just takes time, space and perhaps more than just a few tears to get there.

I have a paper thin relationship with my dm after she cut off from myself and sister... I now have a history of sinking into the slough of despond every Mothers Day. You can't escape the fecker. Well this year I quit Facebook a couple of weeks back and feel much saner for it.

This thread is very comforting, in that I can see others going through hell with it too.

Worst thing is everyone expects you to love Mothers Day as a mother of children. I don't. And I hate being guilt tripped. So its better I just disappear for a bit.

I feel I am going this way with a family member.
Massive backstory but essentially I am being ignored. Every time that I am ignored or rejected it physically and mentally hurts me.
Every time I try to reach out I think I am doing the right thing and trying to heal a wound. Every time nothing happens I'm left wondering why I bother.
But I don't want to go NC, this isn't my choice and how long do I keep trying for? I want to move on for everyone's sake and for family members, and I do want a relationship with this person.

I am being punished for someone else's mess up.

I'd rather I was just told the issues and be NCed if I have to, but know that I tried my hardest. I don't really understand what is happening.
This is one of the worst things that has ever happened to me.

Mother's day sucks.

My mum had a weird relationship with her mum, and a weird relationship with me. I am finding it healing to care for her in her last years but it's not straightforward. There is a lot to get over.

Mother's day sucks

Agreed.

Usually I just let it wash over me. I ignore both the British one and the one here in May.

This year however I am feeling a lot less bolstered against my various complicated, estranged relationships. So I have renamed it Headlights (by Eminem) day.

It came on the radio yesterday and stopped me in my tracks. While his mother and mine are not exactly a perfect match for specific "foibles", most of the sentiment is too near to my own not to be painful. But also welcome. Songs for those who have lost in romantic love are ten a penny. Songs for those with complicated family ... not so much. The few that do exist at least underline that while we might not be the norm, we aren't vanishingly rare either. Which is a bit less lonely than the alternative.

Listen up ladies, Monday will be the start of a new week and Mother's Day will be over. When i was trying for a baby i used to dream about Mother's Day. I wanted to put all the things right that my Mother put wrong. My Mum is a controlling moody bitch and all she has ever done is be critical of me. I would just hate to be like her. I have tried really hard with my children but alas they are bloody self centered too. I am going to treat myself on Mother's Day because i know i have been a good one and i shall go to a big shopping centre and treat myself to a nice new outfit (i have just recenly lost a stone in weight). Sod the lot of them.x

My mum isn't my immediate problem now.
It's the legacy of the family dynamics that she grew up with and (possibly unwittingly) perpetuated.

I cannot actually be in the same room as my sibling or talk on the phone without shaking with anxiety.

AnnP good work!

Well, I got a letter written and two emails sent, but it has cost me such a lot. I just find myself thinking about how my words are going to be twisted and turned. I feel sick and my throat is sore.

A jolly evening ironing ahead of me...

Imbroglio

I'm so sorry love.

Aw thanks. I'm ok now. I had a good nights sleep with some very carefully rationed sleeping pills which calmed the anxiety. I just wish it wasn't so wearing.

My rational head says ''do x, which will take 5 minutes', but I've been so bullied over the last three years I really struggle to trust my judgement.

I also have 'rage dreams' which are probably quite healthy as it means I'm processing some of it, but they are upsetting.

Intrigued by Headlights by Eminem. Will look it up.

My sister and I are big fans of the telly show "Chuck" which starred a brother and sister who had been very badly treated by their mum and they used the day to celebrate each other and the relationship they had as siblings. We do that. Doing it today. Staying away from crowds and doing what we like.

AnnP I like what you said "Sod the lot of them". Quite right! :).

I crept onto Facebook, I am not proud of it, but the first thing to hit you right in the face is "Today is Mothers Day, what are your thoughts?". Its like Mark Zuckerberg is the thought police.

Staying away now.

Yeah. FB can sod right off today.

My siblings and I were brought up by an emotionally abusive Father and an enabling Dm.
My brother went NC with our sister ( who most resembles our Father ) over 40 years ago. I held out until 3 years ago and then went NC.

During the intervening years, I tried to bring them together and partially succeeded as they ( DB, wife and DCs) came to her 60th birthday, but she did something appalling again and now he is NC , and says that he doesn't miss her and will never speak to her again.
Unlike him, it bothers me and 6 months ago I tried through an intermediary ( a cousin) to ask if she would meet me. I offered to pay for a counsellor who would sit between us. The answer was a resounding silence.

However, weirdly she sent our brother a birthday card this year. He and I, who have a loving relationship, couldn't figure out her motives.
My birthday is before his and I didn't get one.
I live my life without my sister and should just move on. She was always more or less mean to me anyway. It is just the feeling of guilt.....why won't it go away?
I have told her before that this situation arose because of what happened to us in our miserable childhood........ to no avail.

I've been NC with parents since 1990 - so 26 years.
NC is not a decision that's ever arrived at lightly so it was a relief rather than an anxiety to reach that point.
I reached it when they decided to try to abuse my children in the way they had abused me.
She is now dead - they didn't even bother telling me. I didn't attend the funeral. Thinking about that does not upset me at all. I cared far more when my pets have died. They showed me more unconditional affection.

Family relationships are so complicated. There is so much that people brush under the carpet for the sake of peace, or to avoid the shame, then the next generation is left with the consequences. My mother often used to hint darkly about things along the lines of 'something nasty in the woodshed' but never elaborated so I really don't know.

I know that the best thing is just to move on and enjoy our lives. I think I could manage that because I was never close to my sibling and the other people I cared about/cared about me are dead or unavailable to me.... Except that I am stuck at the moment because of looking after my mum and having certain obligations.

Another niggle is having teens/young adults who sometimes get the brunt of it. I find myself questioning whether the normal lumps and bumps is normal teenage behaviour or a result of my terrible dysfunctional parenting.

I'm NC with my abusive mother and I miss having a mum. I'm lucky enough to have fab aunties and a close relationship with a mother-figure friend. I enjoyed MD weekend thoroughly by spending it with my fabulous daughters.

I don't have anyone to support me at home and I'm worried I'm becoming a harpy because I get so frustrated with my almost grown kids needing so much from me but doing bugger all around the house without being reminded, sometimes again and again. One of my sons told me he hated me yesterday (great mother's day). It occurred to me that they have seen a lot of people being horrible to me (including their dad who is very bitter and very unsupportive) but rarely see anyone being kind or supportive, so they don't really know how to do it.

On the plus side I had a very reassuring conversation with a friend about having done the right thing regarding a family matter which helped a lot.
.

we have had NC as regards hubbys step son his wife and hubbys ex wife for a few years now. Its bliss

I am NC with my middle sister (I am the youngest of 3 girls) since Christmas '07. I was pregnant with my third, a surprise-gave birth at 46 (!). She, childless and relationship-less, did not take it well. It was the last straw after years of being treated like a doormat, Death By 10,000 Cuts, etc. I did not call her when my baby was born and two weeks later, told her I needed to take a break from our relationship as I felt my Family Duty Card to her was well and truly punched out. I just came to the point that I could no longer be an endlessly renewable resource for her ego supply. Let her move on to someone else.

I got counseling. It helped a lot. Huge help. I didn't want to be a mean person for cutting her off, "kicking her to the curb". My counselor helped me see that my decision was a response to her behavior and I had nothing to feel guilty about for protecting my own mental health. And ^ she could not make me feel guilty-only I^ could make myself feel guilty. It did take awhile to get my head around that concept, but it is true. Imho, society brainwashes the family duty into everyone, and that is ok as long as everyone is holding to a healthy standard (physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, etc). But when the dynamics are dysfunctional, why does the rule still apply? It is logical that it shouldn't. All bets are off.

I find it helpful to leave the past in the past. It is easier said than done.

I saw my sister for the first time over this past Christmas at other sister's place. She was visiting our oldest sister and asked to stay over to meet up briefly. (Oldest sister keeps her at an arms length-low contact.) It was her way of asking to see my dd without actually asking to see her (she never asked to see her). So I agreed and we went. I determined to not engage. It was like meeting a superficial acquaintance from way back...we just didn't have a connection anymore. I feel a little better for having seen her; net effect of "so what" rather than guilt that I may have felt a few years ago.

Sorry for the essay!
You need to live your life, as others have said. Don't try to force yourself, (or be forced), into a life's template that doesn't fit you, or that is determined by others. Your choices, boundaries, and the course that you have taken is the right one, no doubts.