Is my closest friend really my friend at all?

[Gobbolino6]

Hello all, I'd really appreciate any insight here.

Since having children and moving areas, I haven't had many close friends in my town. Lots of people to socialise with and some good friends, but no one I really clicked with.

I met a woman 18 months ago when our children started school together and over a few months we became really close. She pushed the friendship at first, texting and calling every day and it built up.

We started having play dates with the children most afternoons. I love her. She's warm, funny and down to earth.

After a few months, she suggested a big night out, but then a few days later I found out on FB that she'd made plans with another friend instead. Bear with me here..I'm not 15 and I don't care about this, but it's relevant. When I double checked with her she said she thought I'd fallen out with her because I hadn't texted her for 2 days. I was bemused but told her I didn't have an issue, and I made an effort to be in touch more often, which set the tone for the closeness of the friendship.

For the next year or so, we spent time together most days, usually at my house. She needed a lot of emotional support, turning up late at night was a regular occurrence. I provided food, alcohol and child care during half of each school holiday. She didn't..but I had no issues with this as I was not working and she was a single parent, and I live right by the school.

My Dh, however, has never liked her and has said she's 'a user'.

She met a new man and is now pregnant.

For months now she has, I would say, dramatically cooled the friendship. We see each other once a week or so outside school runs. She texts maybe twice a week...yetshe says we are still best friends. It took me ages to notice as to be honest that's more the level of contact that's normal to me with friends anyway. Plus she's busy with her new man and coming baby.

But it's been nagging at me late!y that perhaps she WAS using me. She acts the same, very effusive, when I see her, but we have no real interaction beyond small talk...and last week she didn't turn up for our usual play date. When I asked her where she was, she said 'I thought you'd fallen out with me because you hadn't texted me for ages'. I'd texted her several times with no reply. Am I daft to think she's not being honest?

Now I keep noticing that she stopped coming round when she couldn't drink alcohol provided by me any more. That the level of contact goes up dramatically just before a school holiday, which results in me providing free childcare. That she has a partner and no longer needs to borrow money an d pour out her woes. That she has a trail of broken friendships behind her and I don't really know why.

This has been long, sorry. I don't mind her cooling things, but why is she still going through the motions, pretending nothing has changed and being disingenuous about why? Is she possibly just using me? I really like her but can't shake the feeling I'm being taken for a mug.

Urgh she seems like hard work. Let her go.

I'm wary of anyone over the age of 13 who states that they have a 'best friend'

I have someone like this in my life. It is absolutely unbelievable how they will take from people and give nothing back unless it serves to further them in some way.

The only way to deal with it is to know that my life is fundamentally good - theirs is a bit of a car crash and always will be (though they haven't realised this yet).

It's so hurtful OP, but you need to look after yourself.

She has one dc? I'm assuming that they're not your dc's only friend? In which case bin her off!

She is using you and being bloody rude too! She cancelled a play date and then expects you to just hang about just waiting for her to reinstate it?! Sod that!

That's it daffs...I'm just adjusting to the idea that she's not a good friend who has it rough.

Horton, I can't bring myself to say that yet, but I can bring myself to do this, which is an improvement:

'I thought you'd fallen out with me.'

'We both know that's bollocks.'

And Moomin, sadly your description IAS spot on.

Is! When am I going to adjust to this phone???

You really need to do some assertiveness training, I remember some of your other posts and this isn't the only area of your life where you have difficulty expressing what you want...

It is hard to be assertive with difficult / volatile people. They keep you on tender hooks 24/7 as you know they will "kick off" and you want to avoid conflict - so you tip toe around. But you need to "feel the fear and do it any way" - rip off the plaster - expect the high drama but prepare yourself emotionally for it, you know it is coming, say No, detach, dont add excuses, explanations or apologies - these are just fuel to the fire - ride the storm and it will soon be over. Expect it to get worse as she will hate your new boundary - but she will soon settle - or disappear.

Good luck. Dont spend the next few weeks and the Easter holidays preoccupied with her volatility and what she will do next. Get ahead. Take control. Tell her the option now (if this works for you) and then let go.

It really is easier this way.

I read this before messages added today, and first had wanted to say OP, don't write off time spent with her as fake friendship, I know similar people, they can be enormously charming and interesting, and it's not put on, when she was spending time with you she must have genuinely enjoyed herself too! I still stand by my original response only now I think she is more of a user and manipulator than I thought...though in any case usually none of it is planned and conscious, it's part of the nature of people like her.

I don't think you should look back on your friendship with bitterness, like it was all pretend just to use you...I'm sure she liked/likes you, but she is obviously emotionally a little unstable and seems to be like fish in water in drama, so her ignoring you at school is part of the drama, intention to punish you, no doubt, but probably with the hope that you'd initiate resurrecting the friendship.
I don't think the whole friendship was set up just to eat and drink at yours or to use you for childcare, more that she would ask anyone she felt sufficiently close to for childcare(or anything else), and you became one of those people, so she asked you. She did come to take you for granted in that respect, but that again to be expected with her type of personality, you get the warmth and the easiness and the humour or stories of an interesting life, but on the other hand she'd use the closeness to her advantage as much as she can (in my experience that's usually tied to high IQ but disadvantaged childhood or background and such people seem to learn to advance and cope by becoming charmers, then using everyone and everything they can).

That's not to say that she is not hurt or wondering over your unwillingness to run up to her and make up with her ;) I think you should think of this friendship as a good episode of your life overall, only that it reached the stage where it became unhealthy. You might still manage to come to eventually maintain some sort of relationship with her, don't write her off completely for playing stupid games, but it'd be a difficult act to balance intimacy and boundaries with her, so I wonder whether obvious boundaries would make you both less relaxed and there would be no fun left?

Thanks, that's very interesting and there's a lot of truth there. I do think she is possibly genuinely now confused and upset as I haven't been in touch. She tends to have a bit of a victim mentality. I'd like to maintain some sort of relationship, but I'll be damned if I'm going to sign up to whatever narrative she comes up with to explain this.

The friendship needs to be more equal to survive. Ask her to have your kids for a half day while you go shopping or on a lunch date with your partner. Or as others have suggested, be proactive about offering a single day at easter so that she knows what to expect.

I agree with others, you don't need to have her dc at all over Easter. If it suits you and your dc then you should but it usnt your problem. Even though you aren't responsible, I'd have a pre-emptive conversation to adjust her expectations.

You need to have ' sorry that doesn't work for me' on loop over the next few weeks when she's trying to organise childcare for the Easter holidays.

You'll feel resentful if you even offer one day now.

Aargh one final vent on this subject! She approached me the other day 'have I done something? I never hear from you.' I replied that I felt it was very obvious it was the other way round. She said she was sorry, she was depressed etc etc. She invited me and my DC to her house for tea tonight.
This morning she cancelled, saying she needed an appointment somewhere tonight. Fair enough with anyone else, but it's a pattern isn't it?
At school pickup she told me she couldn't get an appointment. I asked if tonight was still on. She said no, she was tired. Saw her walking down the road taking her DC and another DC home.
I'm done. I guess she is too but wants me to cut the cord as it were.
I hope for her sake she doesn't plan to ask me re Easter, because I'm not offering one single minute of childcare.

Ah. I feel quite sad for you. And for her, actually. She'll wake up one day with no-one. I don't think she wants to 'cut the cord', only to get from one crisis to the next believing its all beyond her control. I bet she has this other child's mum lined up for a few favours.

Well done you for taking a stand. If she does ask you, I'd be tempted to tell her no and give her the reason.

She never had any intention of having you and the kids round, you know that right?? It was some pathetic, last ditch attempt at manipulation (childish revenge even? ) cos you hadn´t been in touch, available and at her beck and call. She expects you to be grateful for any tiny tit bits of fake friendship she deems worthy of throwing your way. She actually doesn´t sound the full shilling!

But one thing´s for certain, she´s not and never was a true friend as no way do genuine friends go on like her. I think in the beginning, when it was so intense and you were grateful for her spending time with you and you felt close to her.....all that was, was her grooming you. Yes really! Grooming and preparing you for what she expected of you so that you would do her bidding and dance to her tune. She could tell you had a nice, kind nature and totally manipulated that for her own gains. You couldn´t see you were acting the mug and being taken advantage of.

She sounds like she has major issues but that´s not your problem. Glad you eventually saw the light.

Thanks everyone. And Moomin, you're right. It got to the point where there was no reasonable explanation for her behaviour and no, I don't think she ever did mean to have us round. Feel a bit better now I've finally just let go, and I appreciate the support, advice and insight everyone.

Would anyone mind helping me put please? I've seen my friend a few times around school and town. She's acting okish. She asked if they could come round tomprrow and I agreed, knowing shed probably cancel.

She cancelled about an hour ago and asked to do Thursday instead. I replied 'sorry, I've already arranged something else for Thursday'.

She sent back 'have you fallen out with me'.

I'm fed up and replied 'I don't see how you could think that really.'

She's replied 'Alright bloody hell!'

I haven't replied. And I feel mean . Would you bitter?

Bother! Autocorrect is a new experience for me and it can sod off!

Really no! Don't bother, that woman has issues and she's playing with you. She's not your friend.

Thanks, that's what I thought, but the guilt was making me consider replying that I didn't mean to be abrupt. But I wasn't abrupt.

Don't waste any more time on her op. Walk away.

Look what more do you want from her she is not nor ever will be a friend. She is a user. And is trying to draw you back in. Easter is coming remember.
Go out and join a hobby if you have spare time or a mothers group and make some new friends.
Don't give her another thought.
She is not even thinking about you.

No you weren't abrupt. Her reply is very rude! Don't feel bad.

Thanks.