Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel like shit

57 replies

SoThatHappened · 29/02/2016 21:01

So I got used by a guy and he lied to me.Just stringing me along until he found someone else.

He just changed his profile picture to him and his gf smiling happily together.

He would never have taken me away or posed for a picture with me.

She is good enough and I am only good enough to be used.

I feel utterly worthless. Fuck this. Im giving up.

OP posts:
Malefriendproblem · 01/03/2016 00:07

Being blunt, there is no GUESS that it is ludicrous. It IS ludicrous. He is never going to change into your 'perfect' man. He is, and will always be, a lying scheming asshole.

SoThatHappened · 01/03/2016 00:16

So he didnt treat me and all the other women with contempt and will be prince charming to this one?

Just a matter of time until the shine wears off?

OP posts:
Malefriendproblem · 01/03/2016 00:20

Of course it won't last. He will be on his best behaviour for a while like they always are at the start but little by little the 'old' him will come back out and hopefully the new friend will kick his arse into touch.

BUT, if this happens, do NOT let him back into your life. He will not change and hurt you even more than you're hurting now.

SoThatHappened · 01/03/2016 00:27

I know I know.

I hope you're right. I just feel worthless that she gets better treatment. Im not even worth gf even if that doesnt mean much.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 01/03/2016 04:13

The basic fact is that he couldn't have treated you badly if you hadn't allowed him to do so.

Failing to introduce you to his friends/family, or acknowledging you in any way as his gf, over a period of some 2-3 years suggests that you were only too willing to overlook his obvious shortcomings on occasions too numerous to mention.

It's immaterial whether or not his latest squeeze will cause him to turn over a new leaf as this man is not capable of treating you in any way other than what you've showed him you are, which is a woman who is more than happy to settle for crumbs from his table.

What you had with him was, at best, a somewhat substandard FWB arrangement and now it's over you've realised that the only one to benefit from it wasn't you.

Stop fixating on him and learn from this experience so that you can guard against becoming another man's booty call and don't settle for anything less than an honest and decent guy who'll treat you with the respect you deserve.

SoThatHappened · 01/03/2016 14:44

We were together for a few months then apart for a year.

Then together on and off again then I got sick of it and stopped contacting him. Then he started stepping up and asking me out all he time and speaking of long term. I thought he missed me. But I was just to not lose me until he got someone else.

I guess it was ridiculous to think i could suddenly be likeable.

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 03/03/2016 20:01

Feeling a bit better and arranging some treats for myself. I need to get over this.

So to be clear, this is the kind of guy that even if you end up with him, a few years later you get blindsided discovering he's been fucking around or flirting with others....?

OP posts:
donajimena · 03/03/2016 20:07

Its a shitty feeling isn't it? You can learn from this though. You might think that you are of low value now but when you have dusted yourself down there will come a point where you feel glad that you weren't publicly linked with this arsewipe.
I'd second the 'bitches' book btw. As pp said don't be put off by the title

SoThatHappened · 03/03/2016 20:12

It is going to take a while to get over the fact that it wasnt my fault and that I wasnt good enough to be his gf but she was. That is the stumbling block...why was I only good enough to be used?

OP posts:
Destinysdaughter · 03/03/2016 21:19

I think you're asking the wrong question OP, have a read of this and see if any of it resonates with you.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/youre-not-wearing-eau-de-im-not-good-enough/

SoThatHappened · 03/03/2016 21:55

Destiny the reasons given on that baggage reclaim article for being rejected are these:

– They may for instance, be turning down the idea of being in something more than casual.

– They may be turning down behaving themselves and acting with at the very least, care, trust and respect.

– They may be turning down the opportunity to disappoint you even further in the long-run because they know what their limitations are.

– They may be turning down the possibility of starting something new because they know that they’re not ready, even if for a while they thought they were.

– They may be turning down meeting your needs because they can barely meet their own.

NONE of those applied. He did want more than casual, just not with me. He didnt behave himself and decide to act with care and respect by letting me down gently, he used and then dropped me; it wasnt his limitations, he has gone on to be a real bf to someone else very quickly; he was ready, just not for me; he can meet his needs and he has a gf now.

Ergo. It WAS me. He didnt want ME.

He can be a bf and go on mini breaks and introduce to all his friends this woman, but not me......

That article hammered it home, he just didnt want me and i wasnt good enough.

OP posts:
donajimena · 03/03/2016 22:14

You really need to stop that way of thinking. Its unbearably sad when you are rejected by someone. Especially when they are a good guy. It happens. I'm sure you have turned down a decent man in your time that was perfectly nice but just not right for you?
This is kind of what has happened here but the guy in question is an arsehole. A cheat. He cheated on you and his current gf. Why do you give a shiny shit about his opinion of you? You can analyse it until you are blue in the face but I really wouldn't waste your time.
ask yourself why you tolerated such poor behaviour.
Actually thinking about it when I tolerated shit behaviour from some of my ex boyfriends they ended up with very little respect for me.... just a thought...

Justaboy · 03/03/2016 22:18

SoThatHappened come on cheer up!, sounds like you dodged a whole machine gun of grief there rather than just a single bullet!

SoThatHappened · 03/03/2016 22:19

I'm sure you have turned down a decent man in your time that was perfectly nice but just not right for you?

Absolutely I have. But I know very soon if I want them or not. If I dont I will not lead them on. The last time I can think of, I knew after the first dates, it just wasnt for me, didnt fancy them or whatever and I left it at that.

I would never ever use someone for sex or as a fake bf just to keep me company until I got someone I did want. I just wouldnt do it.

I have never cheated on a partner either and never would.

Why do you give a shiny shit about his opinion of you?
I dont know! I dont.....

Actually thinking about it when I tolerated shit behaviour from some of my ex boyfriends they ended up with very little respect for me.... just a thought...

I know that too. Paradoxical isnt it. They treat you like shit but then think less of you for not saying something. They shouldnt do it in the first place.

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 03/03/2016 22:21

SoThatHappened come on cheer up!, sounds like you dodged a whole machine gun of grief there rather than just a single bullet!

That made me laugh. I dont think I did dodge the bullet but it missed my vital organs.

His current gf is in the line of fire still.

Unless he becomes a decent man. And there goes a flying pig.

it isnt just his personal relationships either. his working history sounds very very fucked up too and I now wonder how much of it was caused by him.

OP posts:
donajimena · 03/03/2016 22:57

You have just said yourself that you wouldn't have lead them on. In my book that is called decency. Therefore you are a decent person.
He is not decent. Therefore he is unworthy of you. I know it hurts right now. Being rejected by someone who isn't worthy of you. Trust me this will make a good story (for you to tell not anyone else) over drinks with girlfriends one day. The fucking nerve of him!

donajimena · 03/03/2016 23:00

Can you find some incredulity and humour to deal with this right now?
The last line I wrote... 'the fucking nerve of him..' find a bit of fighting spirit. Turn this round in your mind. Wink

SoThatHappened · 03/03/2016 23:07

I am so fucking angry I want him to never be happy and fuck up his new job.

I hope his gf finds his home made porn stash too.

He is such a spinless idiot that when I caught him in the act, he pouted like a bitch and did everything he could to make me pity him.

It is hard to turn it around in my mind when he has a gf and I have nobody. As usual.

OP posts:
donajimena · 03/03/2016 23:20

I could have written your posts around 18 months ago. My then partner had been cheating on me for 3 months with a much younger model.
I then found out that I was the last to know and he had been out and proud with this woman. He'd been telling everyone she was the 'one' and he had told her we had split up over 9 months earlier to their meeting. Angry
I was effectively the OW in my own fucking relationship.
I was bloody livid so I can appreciate that my 'advice' is the last thing you need. However I am living proof that it is now a good story. I know he isn't happy wheras much to my surprise I am very happy with someone else. By the time I met him (OLD Wink ) I was pretty much recovered and I know I would have been happy even if I hadn't met someone else.
it takes time and tears but I promise you won't always feel like this.
He has messed you around. You deserve so much better. I did read 'why men love bitches'. It did help.
I did put up with a lot of shitty behaviour. I'll never do that again.

donajimena · 03/03/2016 23:26

Oh and yes I was FURIOUS that he had a gf. I actually told her what he had done (I don't regret it) and she stayed with him. I thought why the hell do you get to have a relationship when you shat all over me?
She stayed with him but I later found out that she doesn't trust him always checked his phone etc etc so even though they stayed together they are constantly breaking up and getting back together.
I'm not advocating telling her your exes gf btw. I was painted as an unhinged ex.. (to be fair I was unhinged..courtesy of him)

SoThatHappened · 03/03/2016 23:32

I know he isn't happy

How do you know?

This woman can have him...it isnt just the cheating with him, it is other things. He is spineless and has horrible moods, he cannot cope with work.

Even if he didnt cheat, I can imagine he is very hard to live with.

He was also in a cycle of breaking up and getting back together with the woman before me. I am pretty sure it was cheating too.

he told me he cheated on his first gf but he said he was young and stupid. Then I found out it was them all.

I thought why the hell do you get to have a relationship when you shat all over me?

That is is too...he gets to swan off and have a new relationship when he treated me like dirt.

I am also unhinged because of him.

OP posts:
donajimena · 03/03/2016 23:43

I'm very good friends with his sister. Who is over the moon for me. He also told me himself at an event we were unfortunately both at. I was single at that point and I know he was testing the waters.
Don't worry. You will find a new hinge. Block him on social media too. Its doing you no favours.

SoThatHappened · 03/03/2016 23:56

A new hinge?

He was testing the waters with you too for what?

I cant delete his texts or number :(

OP posts:
donajimena · 04/03/2016 00:02

A new hinge = you will soon feel less unhinged.
testing the waters to see I'd have him back.

SoThatHappened · 04/03/2016 00:09

Ah I hope so.

testing the waters to see I'd have him back.

I dont think mine would have me back :(

OP posts: