Husband hinting Mothers Day is gonna be a huge hassle - for him. Need to vent!

[ruddygreattiger]

Ok, need to vent with this latest reason for me to be pissed of with hb.

Hb Mentioned couple of weeks ago about taking me to my favourite restaurant for Mothers Day, I said yep, that would be lovely and left it at that. I assumed (wrongly, of course) that he would grow a brain cell and book a table straight away as this particular place is always full as he well knows.
Cue today, he casually mentions he only contacted them this morning and shock, horror, they only have one table left and its at midday. He didn't book it because he will be finishing a night shift on Sunday and will only have chance to get around 6 hours sleep before we would have to head out.

So, his big gesture is he is going to cook me a meal at home. That is it. No going out for a couple of hours being spoilt, nothing, and he thinks I am ungrateful because I am not praising him for deciding to cook me a meal.
Breakfast and supper I can guarantee it will be me doing it all as usual.

I cook for the entire family every single fucking day and I am supposed to be overjoyed that he can be bothered to cook for me ONCE.
So now he is asking where else I would like to go, what would I like to do etc etc etc. We have been married for almost 18 years and he cannot be bothered to use his initiative to arrange something I would like - his excuse is that I am hard to buy for or surprise!! Er, I like sparkly stuff, chocolate, nice wine, smellies, tickets to a show and so on. He fucking well KNOWS this!!
I lost it and told him I shouldnt have to tell him what to buy/where to go or arrange my own fucking Mothers day, it is for him to show how much he thinks of me!! Are all husbands this fucking bone idle when it comes to willingly show someone how much you appreciate them??

I am getting the impression he is laying the groundwork for it to be a shit Mothers Day.

Tempting to say I would actually like money and to go out on my own for the day and spoil myself.

Mothers' Day in most of Europe is Sunday 8th May.
Tell him he can have another crack of the whip and book the restaurant for then.

Agree with others that this sounds like the latest manifestation of a lack of appreciation and effort that must be very frustrating, but maybe isn't to do with mother's day itself.

Could you talk to your dc - who is old enough to be involved now - about what your perfect mother's day might be - thinking NOT about expense, but things s/he can do? I think that the dad's role here is to facilitate the child's thankfulness, rather than be thankful themselves, so helping your dc see what you would like could be a more productive route forward. EG mine know that a homemade card, some daffs, tea in bed and me getting a lie in with a book and more tea on tap = a good mother's day. I would much, much rather have something the dc have thought about and planned themselves, than dh throwing money at it. I might insist on a family walk in the afternoon, because that's what I like to do - but that's about it. If not cooking for a day is your Thing, then say 'right, let's have a takeaway'. Frustrating to have to drive it, but not worth making a fuss about the one day.

But, that's just mother's day, and my dh is an equal partner around the house and in terms of managing other things ... it sounds to me that you have bugger fish to fry in terms of getting dh to pull his weight around the house? I would focus on that rather than trying for one day of being spoilt and 364 of frustration....

I can totally see how it´s easy for Mother´s Day to kind of blur and overlap into the expectation for the husband to do stuff to show his appreciation. I feel it´s because the Mother and the Wife role are very intertwined and boundaries get blurred.

For instance, how many women feel that as well as mothering their kids they also feel that this extends to the husband aswell? It´s not even deliberate, it´s partly expected by the husband or it just seems to happen automatically. Esp if the woman is a SAHM, so she does the bulk of the housework, cooking, childcare, organizing etc.

I def feel that since marriage and kids, at least for me, dynamics change ( unfortunately ) and women can end up doing all the drudgery and thankless tasks, organizing the husband as well as the kids, and is it any wonder sex goes on the back burner cos it´s not exactly a turn on to be viewed as your husbands wife/mother hybrid tbh. It´s the lack of appreciation and the expectation that we´ll just do it all that gets on my tripe. Then we´re meant to morph into our Wife Mode on a night cos he wants his leg over! [confusion]

Doesn't really matter what the day is called orwhat others do, he said he'd take her out but didn'tphone in time.

Might not have been deliberate, but still very disappointing.

MT, nope, not a 'wives day' thread, a husband offering something then deciding he cannot be bothered thread.

For the third time of mentioning, HE OFFERED to spoil me and is now backtracking.

As someone else mentioned there are lots of other issues between us at the moment which I wont go into as there is no point.

Re: the going out for a meal it usually less than a tenner per person so hardly the Ritz!

Mumontherun- I mean, tickets to a show?!!?
Yeah, our local theatre group is putting on a show and I am happy to go on my own, tickets are £11 and I can drive myself there and back. Didn't realise this sounds quite so decadent!

Limer - good point, he usually gets his mum a card, sends her flowers and phones her on the day.

Earlymorning - that photo album sounds lovely and it is wonderful that your dp thought of doing that for you, yes I would be over the moon with that!

Yes Ponymad, think I will just let the day happen and repeat the same stuff for Fathers day and not go out of my way in the slightest like I usually do.
Thanks all!x

I disagree with those who say "it isn't wives day" . I gave birth to our children, and I do expect my husband to show some appreciation of that on Mothers' Day, and for him to help the dds to do something. They usually make a card in school, DH will take them into town and give them some cash to buy me something small (they are 8 and 11). On the day we go and see my own Mum, who is in a care home, but after that might have lunch out - my brother will be with us too as he is also coming to see my Mum. Then we do something that I would like to do, nothing madly exciting, as we live in the sticks. We sometimes go to a plant nursery and DH buys me some plants for the garden, or we go for a walk somewhere nice. It is usually low-key but DH will often buy me flowers, or make me something.
I do think your DH is being crap op in throwing it all onto you. Surely he could have managed on 6 hours sleep for a start? It is one ruddy day a year!

I think Mother's Day is a bit of commercialised rubbish, and I think you're on a hiding to nothing to expect anything from anyone on the day! Surely the point of gifts and surprises is that you're not expecting them and that's what makes them a treat and special?

If you fancy some time to yourself, then perhaps you could arrange it with the family that you go out for a few hours on Sunday? I love a few hours to wander round town and then sit in a cafe or restaurant with a magazine and have coffee or lunch. And you never know, it might make them think twice about what they could have done to make you feel happy.

But yanbu to expect everyone to do their bit on a day to day basis. It sounds like there is more to this than just Mothers Day.

Thanks Sirvix and tootsie for your suggestions. Think I will have a lovely morning with dc (who is 10) and after h has woken up I will go into town on my own for a wander and a quiet coffee, sounds like bliss!
Thanks all, off to work now x

I have to say, I would consider 6hrs sleep pretty good for me. Hardly detrimental to forgoing a nice treat for your wife. Unless he really would rather cook......

Your not his mother though?
Surely he should be spoiling HIS mother or have I got the wrong impression of what Mothers Day is all about?

This may be a bit of a unpopular opinion. But I think you sound a little ungrateful

I do think that husbands/partners should make an effort to organise something for mothers day in partnership with the kids, because at the end of the day it's nice to feel that your husband appreciates and love how great of a mother you are!

However I think sometimes men are a bit useless with booking nice restaurants, holidays, or organising romantic dates etc. But at least he is still saying he wants to cook you a nice meal! So you can put your feet up instead of slaving away at the stove, and he can get out the recipe book and cook something really nice.

I don't know what my OH and LG has in store for mothers day. But if he offered me that (plus a glass of wine and some flowers maybe), then I'd be happy!

Being a man is not an excuse for being lazy or thoughtless and women shouldn't excuse this behaviour on account of their partners being male.

If a man is capable of holding down a job and persuing his own interests, then he is capable of keeping a promise and phoning a restaurant!

I do agree that if he said he was going to do it, he should have bloody well done it. Lazy, thoughtless git that he didn't. I'm a bit of a lazy, thoughtless git myself and I'd take the hit for being rubbish. He owes you an apology. It doesn't have to be the end of all things, but he ought to acknowledge that he's been rubbish, and make it up to you. Cooking for once doesn't count.

I still don't sympathise with the 'Wives Day' contingent, but that's a separate issue.

I think every individual has they faults, male or female. And the reason why I made special reference to him being a man is that it can be perceived as a common characteristic in some (not all) men to be less 'on it' when it comes to organising special occasions.

I'm not saying don't be a bit annoyed that he didn't come through with the restaurant, I'm saying accept his faults (like being a bit less thoughtful), but appreciate the fact that he is still making a special effort to present you with a nice meal so you can put your feet up.

Their*

I'm of the opinion that partners/husbands should do something on Mother's Day for their partners, it's celebrate you bringing their children into the world and being a good mum. Well that's what we do anyway.

My DP has a lot of good intentions but often just doesn't get around to doing anything about them, my birthday is the same, it's a few days after Mother's Day, so he'll plan in his head a lovely meal with gifts and flowers but he won't actually book anywhere or think of a gift etc.
We end up arguing because I always say that I wish he'd do something small just to show he cares enough to get off his arse and put into practise all these nice thoughts. Just booking a babysitter and a table would be grand even if there was no gifts or cards, that would do me fine!
No table out but a bath run and a takeaway and a glass of wine, again not a huge thing but it's at least something he's thought of and actually done himself!

Are you his mother? Taking care of his mother is your H's job on Mother's day. If your children are very small he should help them a little but in the end it's their day to do something nice for you.

I love to go out for a meal but Mothers day is one of the days we don't do so - too busy and expensive.

Mothers day in this house is me cooking a bit meal for us (with H and kids helping) and mum and dad and MIL. My kids give me cards and maybe some little gifts but the two adults have their own mothers to look after.

Make sure the meal he prepares involves champagne and that someone else does the washing up!

I'm not getting the ' your not his mother' business.

My dad always takes my mum out on Mothering Sunday because 'she is the mother of my children' DH has always done the same for me. He made sure the DS's got me a present and as they have got older and get their own stuff for me DH always gets me something I like.

Sure I didn't give birth to him as someone said to the OP but it is just gestures of kindness that help make the day extra nice.

I would be annoyed as it was DH who suggested going out first.

Bit disappointing but it's not the end of the world. I just get handmade cards, after dropping hints to kids.

Will never forget when my youngest brought home a card from playschool with 'I love my mum when.....' and he had written in the space..' when she goes out' I was quite hurt

Can he take you out next weekend instead as a belated gift?

Mother's day for me is all about the homemade card from the kids. I could be er get so worked up over presents and gestures from the other half!

*never