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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband hinting Mothers Day is gonna be a huge hassle - for him. Need to vent!

71 replies

ruddygreattiger · 29/02/2016 18:01

Ok, need to vent with this latest reason for me to be pissed of with hb.

Hb Mentioned couple of weeks ago about taking me to my favourite restaurant for Mothers Day, I said yep, that would be lovely and left it at that. I assumed (wrongly, of course) that he would grow a brain cell and book a table straight away as this particular place is always full as he well knows.
Cue today, he casually mentions he only contacted them this morning and shock, horror, they only have one table left and its at midday. He didn't book it because he will be finishing a night shift on Sunday and will only have chance to get around 6 hours sleep before we would have to head out.

So, his big gesture is he is going to cook me a meal at home. That is it. No going out for a couple of hours being spoilt, nothing, and he thinks I am ungrateful because I am not praising him for deciding to cook me a meal.
Breakfast and supper I can guarantee it will be me doing it all as usual.

I cook for the entire family every single fucking day and I am supposed to be overjoyed that he can be bothered to cook for me ONCE.
So now he is asking where else I would like to go, what would I like to do etc etc etc. We have been married for almost 18 years and he cannot be bothered to use his initiative to arrange something I would like - his excuse is that I am hard to buy for or surprise!! Er, I like sparkly stuff, chocolate, nice wine, smellies, tickets to a show and so on. He fucking well KNOWS this!!
I lost it and told him I shouldnt have to tell him what to buy/where to go or arrange my own fucking Mothers day, it is for him to show how much he thinks of me!! Are all husbands this fucking bone idle when it comes to willingly show someone how much you appreciate them??

I am getting the impression he is laying the groundwork for it to be a shit Mothers Day.

Tempting to say I would actually like money and to go out on my own for the day and spoil myself.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 29/02/2016 18:59

I don't see Mother's Day as another Valentine's Day either, but as he came up with the idea of taking you out, I can see why you might be disappointed now he hasn't come up with the goods.

But there's meals and there's meals. If he's doing a candlelit dinner with your favourite foods, wine, chocolate and children whisked away to grandma, that's a bit different to him saying "I'm going to stick on some oven chips tonight, why are you so ungrateful".

smilingeyes79 · 29/02/2016 19:00

We have ladies day on Mothers day ... we celebrate all the mothers, nans, godmothers ... a little kooki I know but all the women in my family are lovely and like second moms to the younger ones.
We book a meal or afternoon tea and dad pays ... some battles are never won lol

Secondtimeround75 · 29/02/2016 19:00

Leave Mother's Day aside

You do lions share of work at home
You give notice you would like a nice lunch off for a change .
Your Dh doesn't bother to organise it.

YANBU

I would have a lovely morning at home with the kids & when your Dh gets up head off for the day.

I would recommend doing this pretty regularly. Your Dh isnt the hearts & flowers type & it's not worth the row.

Original poster
ruddygreattiger · 29/02/2016 19:40

Sorry for the delay, dc had to go to her hobby and I had to get tea on when we got back.
My dc is 10 and I will have a handmade card which is always lovely.

However as someone else pointed out it is the fact hb made a big deal of wanting to spoil me but when it comes to doing anything about it he hasn't bothered and is now asking me for suggestions.
And as for his offer of cooking one meal at home I do not think of that as a treat in any way when it's me doing it the rest of the time for the whole family.

Thanks for all the replies. Seems like most mums don't expect their husbands to have much input in making their day special, I will have to re-think my expectations on this, thanks all.
smilingeyes79 - love that idea!

OP posts:
Mysteryfla · 29/02/2016 21:09

My husband pulled the "you're not my Mother" crap 35 years ago when the kids were little and he'd done nothing. Should have seen his face when he got nothing on Fathers Day.

ladylambkin · 29/02/2016 23:29

It's mothers day not wife's day ...and I mean that in the nicest way ☺ you say you will get a handmade card ...this is what mothers day is all about for me not grand gestures. I say this as a mum of 3 grown up children who do spoil me/take me out for lunch now but it's the little simple things I miss from when they were little

Original poster
ruddygreattiger · 01/03/2016 00:01

Lady, yup I do look forward to my dcs card, however it was dh that suggested 'spoiling me' and that has now been downgraded to chucking a ready meal in the oven during a 2hr window that he has free that afternoon. People are making out I am demanding a wife appreciation day when HE suggested doing something special for me in the first place.

I must be a huge mug cos for fathers day I always make sure h has a gift from me and dc and is also taken out for the day. I will definately stop doing that as it seems I must be in the minority. Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
Allnamesaretakenffs · 01/03/2016 06:47

My husband never, ever does ANYTHING even remotely "romantic", and never has done since the day we met anout 12 years ago now. If he remembers to "celebrate" Mothers Day, birthsday etc at all, it's somethign he's bought last minute from the airport on his way back home, sigh. Sometimes I yearn for just a tiny bit of pre-planning to show he cares, but it's just not him. So he'll cook for me a delicious meal on anniversays etc, which for him is saying a lot. Sometimes guys just aren't into the whole romantic pre-planning treat thing you know? It's up to you whether you can make peace with that or not about him.

MargotLovedTom · 01/03/2016 06:59

Yes it's disappointing that he hasn't followed through on what he said. Wouldn't you rather have a takeaway than a ready meal though? Wink

MargotLovedTom · 01/03/2016 07:00

Anyway, as you said "latest reason" to be pissed off with him, it sounds like there are bigger fish to fry.

Iggi999 · 01/03/2016 07:05

Father's Day should reflect what happens on the proceeding Mother's Day, I suppose. It is hard for women to follow through with this, as we are brought up (most of us) to make things nice for other people, never mind whether they do it for us.

MTPurse · 01/03/2016 07:10

Another wives day thread. I honestly don't get these threads at all, we have so many on here every year it is astounding.

Lweji · 01/03/2016 07:16

I think I'd declare to all that Mothers day was going to be a holiday for mother.

No clothes, no food, and no making up for it another day either.
Just sit on the sofa and refer to dad for everything.

Limer · 01/03/2016 07:25

Agree with many PP, it's Mother's Day. Be happy with your handmade card. Tell him the ready meal/takeaway idea will be fine, and you'll do the same for him for Father's Day.

Him taking you out for a special meal should happen on your birthday.

What does he do for his real mother?

isitginoclock · 01/03/2016 07:26

Since when did Mother's Day become this massive "thing"??? When I look back at the days we planned my mum, it was usually badly done crafts (which mum cleared up), burnt toast and spilled tea ("breakfast in bed") but she loved as we were trying. Xx

NNalreadyinuse · 01/03/2016 07:34

I think it's nice that there are days in the year when our children are supposed to put a little bit of thought into how much their parents do for them, in order to make their lives lovely. I know that as parents, that's our job, but it is nice not to be taken totally for granted. Being kids, they need our partners to help them see this. So when a partner cba to make this effort it is reinforcing the notion of taking the mum/dad's efforts for granted. Which is not nice.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 01/03/2016 07:45

isit I agree!!! I mean, tickets to a show?!!?

Seriously??

earlymorningwaker · 01/03/2016 08:44

I'm probably going to get a load of abuse from this or not many nice comments made to me.

this is my first mothers day after being told I couldn't have kids naturally so most people would think this one should be special. my DP has gone out and got a photo album full of my ds. this I think that's a lot more perfect than being spoilt like a princess. I think you should be treated like that on your birthday. I would never expect my DP pay on behalf of my son (till he can afford it) to go all out its a waste of money.

and take him cooking your food as a break but why don't you ask him to cook you a 3 course meal with all your favourite dishes?

earlymorningwaker · 01/03/2016 08:46

also for my mum, me and my brother can get her a pen saying special mum and she loves it. she prefers it over a meal any day.

LittleLegs25 · 01/03/2016 08:54

I'd be pissed off too. You've got excited for something he's suggested and the reality is he hasn't been arsed to organise anything. He sounds like a talker and not a do-er. He says things because they sound good but when it comes to actually doing it he can't be bothered. I wouldn't make a fuss and just see what happens on the day, this will reflect how Father's Day should go.

ponymad9 · 01/03/2016 09:13

I like mysteryfia's approach re. Fatger's Day. Perhaps keep quiet and enjoy your cooked dinner. When it's father's day, cook as you normally would (it sounds as though he does not help much in that dept.) and when he has finished his lunch or dinner tell him that was his 'treat,'👍 I don't think a domestic home cooked meal is a treat unless it's rare. I have friends who each work very long hours and eat out/get takeaways (no kids of course) and they consider a candlelit meal in cooked by one for the other to be a luxury. If you do it every day it is not!

ponymad9 · 01/03/2016 09:14

Sorry 'father's day'!

stealtheatingtunnocks · 01/03/2016 09:21

OP, I'm with you. We need to teach DC to make a fuss of people - to demonstrate that they care for you and appreciate you. That's the dad's job until they are old enough to take it of for themselves.

Otherwise, you land up being my MIL who spent years saying "no, it doesn't matter" and then devastated when no one marked her 50th birthday. Was her own fault, really.

She started getting Mother's Day cards when she got DIL.

Own fault.

You stamp your foot.

stealtheatingtunnocks · 01/03/2016 09:24

"Fuss" being - awful crafts to treasure, below par breakfast, snotty kisses and a card with spider writing.

If finances allow - a lunch or activity out. If not, a walk somewhere I can hold little hands.

I do every thing, every day. They need to learn to show appreciation, it's a life skill.

Plus, I fecking deserve a fuss once a bloody year.

Fuzz01 · 01/03/2016 09:30

If you been married 18 years surely your children are old enough to plan something. I don't understand why its become your husband responsibility surely thats what valentines day is for unless you have very young DC. Think your expections are fair too high and you sound ungrateful.