Ex partner has just had a baby with GF - Advice on handling this with my DS please

[mummytippy]

My Ex has had a baby with his GF. The baby arrived in the early hours of yesterday morning whilst my DS was at his DF's for contact from Fri pm - Sun pm. He arrived home very excited about his new sibling and I shared in that with him. He said that his DF's GF was going to text him a photo (of him holding the baby at hospital (yesterday afternoon)) for him and to show me.

After about 20 mins of being home he became upset as on checking his phone, no photo as yet. I said to give it time for all the practical reasons children don't understand... she may be feeding/changing the baby etc in hospital - no phones.

Then he started complaining about the fact he'd had to spend 2 nights at his grandma's (was taken there minutes after me dropping him off on Friday) and has only seen his DF for about 5 hours (visiting at hospital and journey back to me today). He then also got further upset as he won't be at their house when the baby comes home tomorrow and that his DF's partners DS is going to get to spend more time with the baby day-to-day as DS lives with me and goes there EOW (There's a Court Order in place).

I explained his DF had to be on hand this weekend to help support his GF whilst she had the baby but he was still upset. I wouldn't have minded if he had stayed an extra night (Sunday) and had Monday off school but my ex did not ask me. The whole baby thing has been a bit cloak and dagger (as far as me being kept directly informed) I even learned of the pregnancy via my DS.

My DS was told on the phone last Weds that the baby was going to be born on Thursday or by Friday at the very latest. When I dropped my DS Friday pm I was not told whether baby had already arrived or not so I left assuming baby was already here meaning DS would have the whole weekend at home with his new sibling. My DS had not seen his DF for 4 weeks because the last time he was due to go my ex asked me (the day before) not to take him as he thought the baby was coming... so best he stay with me. During this time my ex barely contacted my DS to keep him informed and this lead to confusion... don't come - - baby on way... and now baby now arrives 4 weeks later... and DS ends up being looked after whilst ex at hosp with GF and impeding birth. Precisely what I thought he was trying to avoid for him the time he said not to take him. This now confirms it really was about not being bothered to take him to a trip our DS was scheduled to go on on during the last contact weekend with his DF.

I have told my DS that I am more than in agreement that he can see his DF and new sibling anytime. All his DF needs do is arrange with me when, travel to DS on his day off work with the baby and take him for tea after school (AIBU to suggest this?). I naturally feel for my DS, but at the same time it is not my responsibility to undertake travel (which would be at my expense) to facilitate the relationship with the new baby. I'm still exhausted from almost two years family court proceedings my ex started.

Any advice from anyone who's gone through similar would be grately appreciated. I'm obviously here emotionally for my DS but I also feel that my ex has not handled this very well (in discussions with our DS direct) and I feel like I'm having to pick up all of the emotional pieces.

My DS has other half siblings with his DF who are sigificantly older but from two other independant relationships. He sees one occasionally but the eldest he knows of but has not ever met as his DF has no contact.

Thanks in advance.

I think you have to know the history to comment! And I only know a little of it from the thread about the school trip.
My thoughts though:

• the photo. He's 9 years old and has a phone. If he wants to chase the photo, let him - text his dad or SM and ask. Don't get involved other than to suggest he text. Do not follow it up yourself (I don't think you suggested it - another poster did) because you are on essential comms only. If they don't send it and your son is upset further, you can only say "I'm sorry you are sad, I don't know why they haven't sent it yet".

• you say you're no longer mid to managing, yet you also ask about arranging time off school, suggesting his father come over with the baby. You have to step away from this. That is micromanaging, that's why you get accused of emailing all the time. I know you're trying to avoid pain for your son, but you should think like this - covering for his father doesn't avoid the pain, it delays it. Much as it kills you, I really think it's better to be there as support as your son learns the truth about his father (4th child with 4th mother, yes?) than to try to pull the wool over his eyes.

And look, I'm being cruel to be kind here... I know he's an arsehole.
But you have been accused of emailing all the time, and I can see why - you don't get the thing about essential comms only.

How did you find out about the paracetamol / bump? From your son?

The way to deal with this is to explain to your son about medicines interacting, and how any time he has medicine away from you, he should let you know - just as he has.

There is no need to email his father about this.

Thanks Cabrinha

I completely understand what you're saying and yes it is hard because as you say my DS will and actually is slowly learning about his DF. It is upsetting as I can't explain his DF's actions/lack of action as I can hardly say he can't be bothered etc... never was... The truth is hurting and new baby has heightened this.

I emailed him (before reading your post). I had his back checked at the doctors this morning and want to keep him informed. Was advised to continue in same vein during court process. Email was very brief.
I congratulated him on baby, said about doc and what doc said and it would be helpful to let me know on meds given in future so I don't inadvertenly administer same.

I didn't mention photo... will ask DS to text him direct after school if he mentions it. Think tonight is going to be Mummy and DS time with lots of cuddles.

... Yes, learned of bump and paracetamol via DS.

It was a bad enough bump to need the doctor? You should obviously be told of anything really serious like that.......

It's too late now, but I really would say think 2x and then think again before emailing.
If the doctor gave you the all clear, there was no need to send him an email.
Look, I don't like my ex. If he sent your email to me, I'd think the following:

• fuck off with your false congratulations about my child
• fuck off with your guilt trip about how you went to the GP when I didn't, your dig that he got hurt on my watch
• fuck off patronising me telling me to tell you about medicine, it was OTC paracetamol, the dosage would have cleared before you even saw him

And I'm not the total arsehole your ex is!

None of what you sent was essential.

I feel for you, I really do, but be realistic about how negatively any of your emails will be received.

For your son... I'd try to come up with a stock phrase. "Darling, you know I can't answer for why daddy does things, I'm not him - come and have a cuddle".

I'm angry for you and your son just reading this though

My ex was useless. I used to tell dd that some people just weren't very good at being parents and that's a shame. She worked out the rest for herself but she has no interest in him and no doubt that it's his problem not hers.
Did you really need to see a GP? That would make me wonder a) how bad it was that the ex didn't do this and b) if you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

To best support you son in managing his expectations of his father, you first need to manage yours.

The trick is to answer your son's questions bit by bit. Don't expand. Answer a question then let him think about it then when he wants more information he will ask you some more.

So he may say 'why doesn't dad come and get me?' you can say 'your dad is concentrating on his new child.' Then he might say 'but I still need to see him. Doesn't he care about me?' and you can say 'he finds it hard thinking about more than one person at a time.' At some point you can talk about what he thinks his older siblings feel like. This will encourage him to realise that it's not just him that has been treated this way and help him understand it is his father's personality that is at fault, rather than himself.

Basically you are dealing with a form of abandonment issues, although he still sees his dad he sees that he is lower down the list of priorities. He will be feeling as though his dad does not love him as much as he would like.

It's hard because you don't want to bad mouth but in the case of abusers you need to let the child lead with asking you questions and revealing information bit by bit that basically says his dad is a certain way and can't control the way he is, and that it isn't your child's fault either. That his dad behaves a certain way, that this won't change, that neither him nor his dad can change that.

You can't change the court ordered visits. I wouldn't encourage more. I would just ask that these were stuck to rigidly so your son has some structure and predictability.

So he may say 'why doesn't dad come and get me?' you can say 'your dad is concentrating on his new child.'

Wow, please don't say that!

So he may say 'why doesn't dad come and get me?' you can say 'your dad is concentrating on his new child.' Then he might say 'but I still need to see him. Doesn't he care about me?' and you can say 'he finds it hard thinking about more than one person at a time.' At some point you can talk about what he thinks his older siblings feel like.

Do not say any of that ^

How bad was this bump that you needed to see the GP? You should report to a NRP on medical treatment if it's significant but not a trip to the GP that lead to no action.

Your email would have come across really PA if I'd received it, for the reasons which Cabrinha explained.

A 9 year old is plenty old enough to tell you that he had a paracetamol tablet, as demonstrated by the fact he did. Your ex is not going to be on top parenting form this weekend because he's exhausted and emotional and all sorts. I can't imagine your email was well received.

Cabrinha summed up exactly how I would feel if my ex-p sent me an email like that after having my new baby. Just get DS to text and remind him, if he ignores the request then you can be upset.

I have to agree, you really need to explain to your son that they may need a little alone time to settle the baby in, recover, rest etc
It's really nothing personal to your DS, unfortunately the newborn will take priority to start ... This would be no different if it were your newborn. When I had my DS, DD stayed with my parents for a few days to give breathing space then was introduced nicely when the frantic days were over.
As far as the picture, just explain that's daddy's very busy at the moment and that when things quieten down it will get sent. I really wouldn't over fuss the situation, emailing your ex at this time really won't look good on you. I'd just reassure your son and leave it be for now.

Thanks all. My DS still hasn't received the photo, I've suggested he texts but he doesn't want to. He said they' think he was mean. I said that they wouldn't and explained they'd probably forgotten (for practical reasons). He still didn't want to. I've left it alone.

My DS described how he'd slipped at the play centre and there is a sizeable friction burn. The dr said there's soft tissue damage and this will now be on DS's med notes. It would have been nice to have been told.

I am always going to inform my ex of illness, doctors visits etc as was advised to during the court process I should.

Since I sent my email on Monday re: my DS's back/drs appointment his father has not telephoned to speak to DS to even see how he is. I feel so disappointed for my DS.

I say this with kindness, but you really need to change your expectations.

Your ex is handling the new baby situation very badly.

But the friction burn... Your ex does not need to see how he is. It's just a common childhood injury that will clear up. When my daughter had a deep gash in her head glued, my ex did not check on her when she was back with me - because she was with me!

We do not have contact with our child when they're with the other parent - that's really normal, for loving parents too.

Try you stop giving your ex so much headspace - he's had enough of it.

Be upset he's let your boy down over the baby, but you'll only wind yourself up by finding more things to be upset about, like what sounds like fairly unremarkable injury.

soft tissue damage

Isn't that a fancy way of saying a bruise? Your ex does not need to follow up on a bruise and a friction burn. He was also probably extremely cross about your email which several of us have said would have annoyed us.

No wonder the NHS is under pressure if people take up gp's time with a friction burn and a bruise.

You don't need to inform him about these minor things. You don't even need to take him to the GP - the GP can't do anything, it's a waste of their time and money.

You do need to inform him of his medical welfare but this isn't medical welfare. This is nitpicking and is contributing to the conflict which is incredibly damaging for your son.

This really isn't a healthy attitude to have and I would really encourage you to seek some help for managing these emotions and boundaries better.

If your son is that desperate for the photo then can you not send a quick text apologising profusely for disturbing them while they have a brand new baby but that your son would love to see the pic of him with his sibling if they get a minute?

And also, I'd tell your son that life with a newborn is very difficult and very hectic and his dad loves him and will be back to see him when everything calms down, which is hopefully just the truth?

I can imagine it's hard for you because he's an emotional abuser and you want to protect your son from that. But I think, as PPs said, you might need to stop worrying so much about the small stuff, for the sake of your own mental health.

I'm sorry but I do still think you are over thinking things and in turn causing angst for yourself. I know how hard this is, I have been there too. My advice again is to stop trying to control everything...it must be exhausting.

I think that there has been enough conflict here and it's time for you to step back a bit and calm things a bit for the sake of your child.

Soft tissue damage is a description used to reassure you that it isn't anything worse-as in "It's only soft tissue damage- no need to do anything, it'll be better in a day or two"