Verbally Abusive Husband

[plumdriver]

My husband and I have been together for 7 years now and have 2 DC. When we first met I thought he was the nicest person I'd ever met, really kind, caring and sweet with loads to talk about. I never thought I'd be writing this about him. Over the last couple of years whenever we have arguments or I disagree with him he is verbally abusive and shouts at me, calls me names like moron, fucking idiot, stupid. He punches doors tells me to shut up, fuck off sometimes in front of DC. I have spoken to him about it and said not acceptable. This culminated in last week he screamed at me when I was holding the baby and kicked a door. I just walked away and didn't speak to him for the rest of the night. I then spone to him and said if he continues to speak to me in that way I will leave him, he is disrespectful and abusive. He was full of excuses I wind him up, stressed about work and I just said it's not acceptable or my fault this is all about him and suggested counselling which he said he might go to but hasn't done anything about.

I'm just not sure what to do. On top of this he is really quite boring, has no friends, social life or interests so it generally feels like we have nothing to talk about apart from DC and us. This bothers me as I am outgoing and love to socialise ( I do seperate from him mostly) Sometimes I get the feeling we should split and I'd be better off on my own and would even meet someone more fun someday but I still love him and he's a hands on dad and does his fair share of cleaning and cooking and I know he can be nicer than this so maybe I should wait it out if he goes for counselling ? I said I'd go too.

You must now follow through on your ultimatum. If you do not, expect him to escalate the abuse even further.

As a self-confessed strong woman, I am surprised you are putting your relationship with a man who verbally abuses you in front of your kids above their welfare. Mark my words, this will be your biggest regret looking back over your life.

I'm just working up to ending it really. I know I can be happier than this

So this "ultimatum" is to buy some time ? Fair enough.

But what is he does manage to rein in the verbal abuse for a few months. What then ? Obviously he can switch it on and off so he will probably flick the "off" switch for a while

And you will look the Bad Guy for ending it when he "tried so hard"

You cannot win on this one. The only way to make this a positive for you and your kids is to end it now.

You can be happier than you are now, starting today.

You can show your dc what a strong woman looks like and why time must be called on this relationship. They need to learn that he is abusing you all and it must stop.

You know what you need to do, you are putting that decision off, for no other reason than you're scared.

If I told you that in less than a week of him leaving, you will see real tangible growth in your dc, that once the feeling of being utterly ridiculously stupid for having put up with it for so long has passed, you will feel elated and more free than you ever remember feeling, and that everything is and will be ok, would that help?

You can afford to be free, he has no control over you, grab that chance now.

6 months more damage for you and your children is too high a price to pay.

I'm not calling you a wimp btw, I said you were wimping out, big difference. Be strong, be the amazing woman you are and take control of your life. Only allow those who add to it in your lives.

Just an update and sign off really.

Told H I wanted to seperate, it was really hard I was shaking ! He didn't get angry, just cried and was worried I'd stop him from seeing DC. He's gone to stay with his parents until we can sort out the house. I feel OK, kind of in shock I guess. Just focussing on practical things.

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories with me and the advice.

Now he cries?

Not when he swears at you? Calls you a moron, a fcking idiot, punches walls and screams at you in front of the kids!?

You saying you're separating is SAD to him? But not his treatment of you, no?

He's sad Perhaps that you've taken away the target for his abuse?

Did he expect you to just keep on putting up with it?

Looks like it.

And your dc would go on to repeat your marriage in their own relationships...

Keep him gone, and as far away from all who you love, including the Dc as far as legally possible. He's not fit to have too much influence over them.

He needs therapy, and he needs to source it himself.

Well done plum that couldn´t have been easy at all At least he took it OK. You don´t think he´s gonna cause problems for you and start hassling you at all? Like after he´s had a drink or anything?

Well there´s nothing stopping you coming back and letting us know how you´re doing. I really hope it goes smoothly, you´ll be SO much happier ultimately though.

Be prepared. He will use anger at some point.

I say use, because that's what people like him do, use emotions to control others. They manufacture emotions to get what they need.

Sorry to hear everything you're going through, and well done for dealing with it. I couldn't believe how similar your description of your home life/atmosphere is to mine. Moody, quiet, addicted to computer, no conversation, can be silent for days if I've said something "wrong". Even if I haven't, he might not bother to talk to me. Not scary, just dull, tense, unpleasant, boring, miserable. NOT how I want to spend the next 40 odd years.

You are doing the right thing.

Watch out for the empty and meaningless promises now. Treat them as the white noise they are.

AF is right. He will promise lots of things but it will all go the way his previous 'efforts' went. He may also develop a heart condition or something; this is designed to guilt trip you into looking after him. If he does, just say something anodine, "that's a shame", and ignore it.