Verbally Abusive Husband

[plumdriver]

My husband and I have been together for 7 years now and have 2 DC. When we first met I thought he was the nicest person I'd ever met, really kind, caring and sweet with loads to talk about. I never thought I'd be writing this about him. Over the last couple of years whenever we have arguments or I disagree with him he is verbally abusive and shouts at me, calls me names like moron, fucking idiot, stupid. He punches doors tells me to shut up, fuck off sometimes in front of DC. I have spoken to him about it and said not acceptable. This culminated in last week he screamed at me when I was holding the baby and kicked a door. I just walked away and didn't speak to him for the rest of the night. I then spone to him and said if he continues to speak to me in that way I will leave him, he is disrespectful and abusive. He was full of excuses I wind him up, stressed about work and I just said it's not acceptable or my fault this is all about him and suggested counselling which he said he might go to but hasn't done anything about.

I'm just not sure what to do. On top of this he is really quite boring, has no friends, social life or interests so it generally feels like we have nothing to talk about apart from DC and us. This bothers me as I am outgoing and love to socialise ( I do seperate from him mostly) Sometimes I get the feeling we should split and I'd be better off on my own and would even meet someone more fun someday but I still love him and he's a hands on dad and does his fair share of cleaning and cooking and I know he can be nicer than this so maybe I should wait it out if he goes for counselling ? I said I'd go too.

The older your kids get, the more upset they'll be.

Could he be depressed? Or did he never have any friends? I'm not sure how he could have become boring - surely you never had much in common, or he's depressed or something, and that has affected his behaviour?

He is not a good father! No decent man would abuse and terrorise the mother of his children. Your children don't have the emotional maturity to understand and process his vile outbursts. They must be shit-scared that his focus will move on to them. As it very well could.

Get them away from his pernicious influence. Do it for them if you can't do it for yourself

he is really quite boring, has no friends, social life or interests

I now know this to be a huge red flag

My ex was the same. On meeting him he was the sweetest, kindest guy you could ever hope to meet. Fast forward 2 years I became his verbal and emotional punchbag for his frustration at life in general, his work stress, he was jealouse of me having friends an a social life and I know it was because, he didn't. It all wore me out in the end I was glad to leave him. Being the centre of someone's world because they have no other outlet in life is not a good thing. For every slight, disappointment, stress, inadequacy moment they go through, you will bear the brunt of it. Waiting it out makes no sense, they get worse as they get older. Men like that arent worth putting your life on hold for, they don't truly love and respect you anyway, there's an underlying resentment and thats why they talk to you in any shitty way they choose. They also feel they can get away with it, they won't do it to a work colleague or friend that they feel winds them up, they'll just take it out on you behind closed doors

Telling you to fuck off in front of your DCs? Its about time you made him fuck off and not come back, he will only poison the atmosphere more and more until they start being tense about it too

When I met him he did have friends, only a few but they were always together. As soon as we became serious he just saw them less and less depite me encouraging him to go out and see them. He said they were at different points in life so didn't have as much in common any more. The no friends has bothered me for years if I'm honest and I feel I have missed out because of it. I see other couples going out with couple friends and we just don't have that for example I am friends with a woman I work beside and she's suggested a few times that we go out with her and her husband as she's met DH but I know he won't go so no point suggesting it.

Also, there's not a tense atmosphere at home. It's just....nothing. He comes home and won't talk about his day or work (he says he comes home to get away from it) helps with DC, making dinner and bedtimes then he just sits on his phone. He's obsessed with Twitter and will sit for hours on it or watching music videos on Youtube. If I suggest watching something on TV or a film he says no you just watch it. Sometimes a whole evening can pass like this with no conversation and I feel like I don't even know what to say to him ? I tell him about my day, things that happened at work or with DC and he just reacts but doesn't contribute his own talk.

He has had depression which is when the horrible talk started, doctor just put him on ADs. I supported him through it all, looking after house, DCs on my own whilst he lay in bed. But previous to this he ignored me for days if I displeased him. This is also why I haven't left by now. We used to get in really well and have a laugh. I didn't really get when people said their boyfriend was their best friend until him because that's what we were and now there's resentment from him and I don't know why. I have said all this to him several times but nothing changes. I feel like a broken record

The depression - maybe he's depressed, maybe not. I'm sceptical because EA partners seem to 'catch' depression when it suits them!
Best friend - I'm the sort of person who believes neither your partner, your mother nor your sister should be your best friend. That's a different kind of relationship altogether. Again though, call me too sceptical!

Your responsibility is to the children, and yourself. He will manage fine. They always do (sadly!)

That does sound pretty crap, OP. How would he react to an ultimatum - seek help or separate? Would he become violent towards you, do you think? I can see that something needs to be done, or you will all end up depressed!

Although I guess you've more or less already tried that?

I haven't been as explicit as that but I think I need to be. He phoned a counsellor but didn't make an apppintment so I think that was all for show. Whenever I speak to him about anything he will do as I say for a bt then slide back into his old ways so am worried he'll do that this time, also that he won't tell the counsellor the whole truth about how he behaves towards me so that part won't be resolved.

So what's the point of him again?

No I don't think he'd be violent but I could imagine him hurting himself or threatening to

But the point of counselling is that it can only help someone who has admitted they have a problem and who is ready to talk honestly and candidly in a bid to address the behaviour and get better. But you said he hasn´t even apologised to you once! So he hasn´t done this has he?

He would only be going along to counselling ( which he won´t ever do cos he doesn´t see anything wrong with his behaviour, worryingly ) to keep you off his back. He has no motivation to change and you can´t force him. I´m afraid you can lead a horse to water etc etc.....

Like the alcoholic that finally admits they´ve got a drink problem and wants a better life, your OH has to acknowledge his behaviour is out of order. Not happening! So you are, in effect, waiting for a miracle. Or you need to tell him you want out.

He won't take responsibility because he doesn't want to admit he is failing, both as a partner and a parent, your poor children will be a bag of nerves, and this is already AFFECTING their development, don't kid yourself.

You need to give him an ultimatum and mean it - your two children are being traumatised internally by his aggressive outbursts - he's not a good man or a good parent!

Only you can protect them from this and give them an upbringing that doesn't consist of them being tied in knots with anxiety, the way he is treating you is appalling.

He won't go to counselling because he does not feel that his behaviour is wrong. Even if he does go, he will use the insight gained there to turn on you, and he won't tell counsellor the full story either. Men like this don't change imo..he may finally agree to counselling when he realises you mean your ultimatum but he will soon slide back into his old ways. People who are genuinely remorseful will sit down and talk with you when you mention counselling, they wont say "yeah" then brush it off.

& if he does eventually go Id advise you not to go with him, too many abused women go to counselling with their abuser! As if them attending and sitting there with him will make things better, as opposed to him minimising in front of the counsellor and nitpicking. Ive known women go to counselling with their abuser and the counsellor is more sympathetic with the perpetrator depending on how downcast he can sound and how he can lower his tone of voice to the meekest ever, sit there wringing his hands pretending to be oh so sorry for his aggressive, abnormal behaviour

Don't try to negotiate with abusers - you're not a person they respect, why would they take your feelings and advice on board? work out what you intend to do to protect yourself & your DCs and then DO IT

MistressDeeCee I think you're right in everything you said and that's exactly what he'd do. I'm just trying to get everything clear in my head before I speak to him

Thanks OP. Whatever you decide good luck with it all wishing you & DCs the best

I'm giving him one last chance - 6 months to sort himself out, get counselling and no verbal abuse or anger in that time or we'll split. He also has to socialise, join a club or something. And no phone in the evenings.That's enough time. I'll speak to him tonight

I'm not confident he'll do it but at least I can say to myself I did everything I could

what are you going to do in those six months?

get your plans in order so you can be ready to leave.

you need to make plans for a life without him. you have to actually mean what you say.

financial housing mortgage etc. get all your paperwork in order. who owns what?

you already gave him the ultimatum and said you would leave...now you going back on that and giving him more time.

so, mean what you say and actually get your finances in order, make sure you have your own bank account, look into housing costs what you could buy if you sell up and split equity, where you expect him to go, how he willpay for hi rental etc.

your dc adore him because he is the only dad they know. they are programmed to adore him regardless. but a man who shouts and punches things sooner or later wills care them

punching doors is being violent - it says look what i can do, it could be you. i choose to punch the door this time...

your dc are young and adaptable - they can move on easily.

and why six months? why not one month?

I think its a good idea to speak to him tonight. Its not easy to just get up and walk out, I didn't when it happened to me and yet I am the least passive person ever! So God knows why, really...I think it was that monumentous feeling of THE END. End of relationship, end of the future you thought you were going to have with your lifepartner, end of the chance of making it together, the DCs, all sorts of things. You are best off gauging your next step by his reaction to your talk tonight, but in the meantime whether he sounds amenable or not, I absolutely WOULD be doing all that cestlavie has suggested regarding getting organised, including financially so that your get-out plan is 100% in place. Don't rely on his words, rely on his actions. Above all don't think you are safe, because you are not.

My ex never hit me but was extremely verbally abusive, which escalated to include shouting directly into my face whilst standing 2 inches away from me. One day I couldnt stand it and pushed him away from me. Do you know what happened? He called the police and had ME charged with assault, saying Id hit him. His ultimate revenge for me saying I was leaving him and had had enough of his shouting and aggression. In the end I was bailed and then not charged but only because I was adamant about telling my side of the story, and he slipped up by changing some of his story. If he hadnt tho, Id certainly have been in a lot more trouble.

I cant begin to tell you how stressful it all was, Ive never been in trouble with the law in my life. You have a lot of time to think about life when you're put in a cell with no phone, book, company to distract you. This is a man who I never, ever thought would do this kind of thing. But you can't tell - aside from his verbal abuse of me he wasnt loud, was never in trouble with the law etc. If Id left him when I should have, I would never have gone thru all that shit

He STILL contacted me afterwards, full of remorse that it had gone so far and to give him another chance blah blah blah. Its not love - they do it because YOU are their lifeline, what they know. They are antisocial, unlikeable, and deep down don't want to face life without you. So they'll try anything to keep you, just that the heat of the moment shows you their true face. I took great pleasure in saying "no thanks", not giving him the satisfaction of arguing or wanting an explanation or closure, and just acting as if he no longer existed. As far as Im concerned he may as well be dead. Im happy, and so are my DCs, who are grown up now and certainly don't miss Mr Shouty and his disruption.. we've spent the weekend planning a spring break together

Just be careful. I doubt you will be able to stand another 6 months, because he won't be able to reign in his behaviour for that long. & that will tell you all you need to know.

if you ARE gpoin g to speak to him work out your lines in advance and stick to them...he will try to derail you, tell you you are crazy or silly, get angry or just argue back.

he sure isn't going to say oh gosh i never realized i am so sorry... i am going to make big efforts.

or he might say "oh right shall i leave right now then, shall i? i'll get my suitcase then "
your response should be yes, do. go away for some time.

you've threatened to leave before and havent why should he believe you now?

(incidentally it was my exp who kept threatening to leave... if i didnt change he was leaving... etc,etc but he never did. when i eventually did leave with dc he was so shocked ..... )

He's abusive. You know perfectly well he's not going to manage the expectations you have set out - why bother with them?

You will hate yourself for putting your dc through 6m more of this abuse.

You are wimping out of what you absolutely know you must do.

The longer that man is in your duly lives, the longer it will takenyouvall to recover, the more therapy you will need.

You can't recover from abuse without Professional help.

The six months is a waste of time. Why not tell him to go, and see how you all feel in 6m.

If it's a mistake, and he isn't abusive, you can go back.

(But he definitely is, and you shouldn't ever go back.)

I have my own bank account and a good job. I'll be fine financially. Not much equity in the house so if sold we'd probably just cover costs but I could afford to rent a nice house or flat for us. I've been looking online and there are a few suitable.

This is a big decision and, like previous poster said, a lot to give up on. I'm not wimping out just want to be sure as this will affect my DC's lives. If you knew me you would definately not say I'm a wimp no one has ever said that about me.