I want to explain this but I can't; baby's appearance permanently changed

[HypnoticButton]

I apologise if this is not the correct place to post.

I know how I should be feeling and the things I should be saying but it's hard.

I posted a while back about an accident my baby had that was going to potentially permanently change her. At the time it was all a bit of a blur, hospital appointment and surgery. Plenty to focus on and occupy my mind and I didn't allow myself to get too sad.

Now this has all settled down and reality is setting in.

I want to make it clear I do not love my baby less, if anything I love her more. But.. She has gone from complete and utter perfection to slightly less so. I know that sounds awful.

I worry that I caused this by being so proud of her. Honestly it's hard to explain. DC1 was perfect to us but was definitely not a pretty baby, very [Word removed by MNHQ as it's disablist. OP has also requested removal] like!! He has grown into a gorgeous child though, so it's not like I'm blinded by my own children.

DC2 was born a complete beauty and has remained that way. Every aspect of her appearance, temperament was perfect. Ate well, slept well, so pleasant and easy going. Couldn't have been more different to dc1.

I'm rambling here..

The accident has resulted in my baby losing part of her finger. All bandages are off now and I have to face reality. It's really noticeable looking. I've newborn pictures of '10 perfect fingers, 10'perfect toes' but that's not how it is anymore.

I worry that people will look at my baby and feel sorry for her.

I worry that she will be teased at school.

I worry that she will struggle with confidence.

I'm determined to instil inner confidence in her and not allow her to be held back by this injury but at the back of my mind I worry.

This post makes no sense. The accident was caused by a door closing on her hand. It was so traumatic at the time; I've no right to feel traumatised as it wasn't me who was hurt

It's all very recent and early days, maybe I'll feel better in time?

I want someone to look at her finger and tell me honestly how they feel about it and how awful it looks? I don't think people will be honest with me in RL.

On the plus side, it doesn't seem to bother my dd at all. She continuing on as normal, I don't really think she notices.

I agree with those who say that it's Ok to feel like this, but you need to get some help to come to terms with your feelings .

And also with those who say that in time you will find a way to help your DD deal with any comments she might get . TBH these are more likely to be curiosity and not unkindness or bullying . Most young children are very accepting of differences .

I know someone who lost the top of a finger in exactly the same way as a baby - a sibling shut the door on her finger . She is about 10 now and tells everyone that it was bitten off my a crocodile when she was canoeing down a river in [ some country I can't remember the name of ] . As she has got further up primary school, the story is gaining more and more details, she's a very creative child :-)

Op, yes, you need to get some support to recover from your emotional and psychological reaction to this.

It's not to do with whether you have the 'right' to feel like this, she is your baby and everything about what happened is traumatic for a parent.

You now need your emotional
Wounds to heal, fit both your sakes: your dd's and yours.

I have a child with a 'congenital abnormality' (horrible term, but it's what the hospital say), permanent and ongoing noticeable effects of that plus 16 big scars from the surgery to correct it.

People will not tease your DS. No one teased my DC. People make daft / uneducated comments, but they do that about anything. But strong self esteem , a matter of fact approach to the difference, and confidence in their own ability are the best foundation that a child can have to equip themselves to be strong and happy.

You will not be able to nurture this in your Dd unless you find the help to make yourself emotionally stronger.

Good luck, OP, I am sure counselling will help.

OP I was born with brachydactyly type d (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clubbed_thumb) in my right thumb. It's about a half inch shorter than my "regular" thumb, and you know, it's never bothered me. Once, in high school, a boy I'd known since primary was sitting on my right while I was reading something and he visibly recoiled when he saw my thumb and asked me what was wrong with it. I don't recall my exact reaction but I know I laughed and was surprised he only just noticed it.

My family and I talked about it growing up I'm sure but just in passing, because it was just my thumb and I've no need to be embarrassed about it, it just was what it was. Mum was, like all parents, worried about teasing but I wasn't the only one in school with something "different".

She admits she was more worried about the (many) times I injured myself... I was a bit of a "tom boy".

• sliced open my eyebrow.
• scar/indent on my forehead
• scars under my chin
• scars on my fingers (multiple breaks)
• scars on my knees
• broken toes
• scars on my arms (requiring 17 stitches total)

I was never teased about any of them. Again they just "were". They weren't anything I could change and they aren't anything I was ashamed about or worried about.

I do admit though, like I said above, that mum probably struggled more with them than I did, especially the ones on my face. She was worried I would be teased, worried about how it would heal.

It sounds bad but it's good that she's young, she won't know any different and she'll just use her hands like she believes she always did. Think about how your pinkie is smaller than the rest of your fingers, you just use it the way you use it. You don't think about it, it just "is".

p.s. I believe Megan Fox has a clubbed thumb... most people don't realise it, it hasn't held her back at all!

Can parents get grips please...it isnt about you or your feelings.

I had no disabilities or accidents causing scarring or anything else growing up, still all my mother bloody saw was everything I was not.

I was a very pretty child too but I didnt feel it. I can only remember the things she told me I wasnt or couldnt do. I have never once felt I was good enough no matter what I do.

If I grew up feeling that way without any noticeable injury or disability to hang it on, I shudder to think how the children with them feel if their parents think they are less than "perfect".

My son has huge, stick-out ears. He is very happy with a lovely girlfriend and a senior post in his preferred industry. DD1 is tiny, currently running a major lab, lovely boyfriend and getting to every heavy metal gig she can. DD2, huge nose, like huge (mine) just finishing degree, loves sport, extremely fit, gorgeous boyfriend. None has perfect looks, all have happy lives. Happiness is most important, along with fulfilment. I hope you are able to overcome,this, perhaps with counselling.

SoThatHappened - to be fair to the Op, she is posting because she KNOWS it isn't about her, and she wants perspective and help to get over the feelings she is currently experiencing.

I know Blu....but alot of parents dont.

I'm so sorry you're so upset about it, but I disagree that her appearance has changed! To me, appearance is facial, hairstyle & clothing, not other random body parts.

I expect very few people will notice, & when/if they do, you/she can choose to explain or not as you see fit. Anyone who is bothered by it isn't worth knowing, to my mind.

My DS tripped & spilt his forehead on my mother's coffee table aged about 21 months - there is still a small scar 16 years later. I felt terrible at the time & my DH, who wasn't there at the time, went on & on for months about how he couldn't have been being supervised properly . He was, it was just one of those things. I tried to grab him as he tripped but just couldn't reach

*split forehead not spilt - that sounds much worse

Your H sounds like a dick, Witch.

I had a friend many years ago as a child (we've since grown apart - it was over 40 years ago) that had lost half her finger when she was a toddler from putting it in a fan (back when the fans had metal blades, not plastic, so many years ago obviously). Other than her explaining how it happened one day (can't even remember how it got brought up, to be honest, as I hadn't even noticed it at the time - we'd known each other a good month by then), we never discussed it. Nobody teased her. Many didn't notice. It just wasn't high priority for us as children, to be honest. We just went about playing and such. She was very matter-of-fact about it when she explained. It wasn't actually until I was much older that I remember thinking "ouch!" At the time, it just wasn't important to us.

Fugg - yeah - whole other thread