I want to explain this but I can't; baby's appearance permanently changed

[HypnoticButton]

I apologise if this is not the correct place to post.

I know how I should be feeling and the things I should be saying but it's hard.

I posted a while back about an accident my baby had that was going to potentially permanently change her. At the time it was all a bit of a blur, hospital appointment and surgery. Plenty to focus on and occupy my mind and I didn't allow myself to get too sad.

Now this has all settled down and reality is setting in.

I want to make it clear I do not love my baby less, if anything I love her more. But.. She has gone from complete and utter perfection to slightly less so. I know that sounds awful.

I worry that I caused this by being so proud of her. Honestly it's hard to explain. DC1 was perfect to us but was definitely not a pretty baby, very [Word removed by MNHQ as it's disablist. OP has also requested removal] like!! He has grown into a gorgeous child though, so it's not like I'm blinded by my own children.

DC2 was born a complete beauty and has remained that way. Every aspect of her appearance, temperament was perfect. Ate well, slept well, so pleasant and easy going. Couldn't have been more different to dc1.

I'm rambling here..

The accident has resulted in my baby losing part of her finger. All bandages are off now and I have to face reality. It's really noticeable looking. I've newborn pictures of '10 perfect fingers, 10'perfect toes' but that's not how it is anymore.

I worry that people will look at my baby and feel sorry for her.

I worry that she will be teased at school.

I worry that she will struggle with confidence.

I'm determined to instil inner confidence in her and not allow her to be held back by this injury but at the back of my mind I worry.

This post makes no sense. The accident was caused by a door closing on her hand. It was so traumatic at the time; I've no right to feel traumatised as it wasn't me who was hurt

It's all very recent and early days, maybe I'll feel better in time?

I want someone to look at her finger and tell me honestly how they feel about it and how awful it looks? I don't think people will be honest with me in RL.

On the plus side, it doesn't seem to bother my dd at all. She continuing on as normal, I don't really think she notices.

I was giving a hand massage to one of my residents at work and when talking realised he lost a digit.It was the first time in 8months i even noticed it. He told me the story of the dog who ripped his little finger off when he was a kid.

Its quite normal to feel upset when your child hurts themselves. My daughter is beautiful very doll like and remember thinking she was perfect in everyway as a baby. She had a fall split her head open down to the bone. I felt awful at the fact she was going to be scarred because i felt responsible for what happened. My point is kids will have accidents, some beyond our control we can't beat ourselves up.

As others said some children are born with disablities others inoccur them in childhood. People won't even notice. My DS has a birth detect in his eye and is extremely self aware of it but he also understands theres people out there that can't see at all.

Corygal I love your mum's approach, she sounds ace!

I've reported my thread.

I'm sorry for using that word.

I didn't realise it was offensive.

it doesn't seem to bother my dd at all

Your dd will easily overcome any functional deficiency caused by the loss of part of one of her fingers, and if she should become self-conscious about its absence in the future she can wear a prosthetic finger which will be indistinguishable from her other digits.

It's really noticeable looking I suspect that it's particularly noticeable to you because of your feelings at the time, and in the aftermath, of the accident - and it was an accident that no-one could have prevented and most certainly not caused by your pride in your dd's beauty.

There was a series recently called the secret life of 4 year olds. There was a beautiful little girl on there who only had half a foot, it was a birth defect. She wasn't bothered at all and showed the other kids and they were just really interested.
Your daughter will be fine, but you know that really. I think it would help to talk to someone about it.

Don't worry OP! I assumed you didn't know.

Also- to those saying you can't notice it, well some children have things that are very noticeable! Not all minor disabilities are really unnoticeable. One of my dds has had a condition which people do notice, stare at, and at school they all commented on and asked questions. It is hard to front it out initially, but as I say, over time your confidence grows with it, and you can't change it, so you just get on and live the same life you would have done anyway.

That's not to say I didn't have some private moments wishing it wasn't the case, and perhaps being a bit vain about having a child who now didn't confirm to standard beauty ideals. Obviously I gave myself a good slap and now I see the utter beauty of her carrying on regardless and confidently, in a situation in which I would have probably faltered. I'm sure she also wished it wasn't so at times, but again, coped well with the stares and the questions.

The incident sounds very traumatic, OP, the pain, the guilt you must feel, your son was involved, you were too sick to help, perhaps if these feelings persist, see if you can talk with someone as it all sounds mixed up together and now you are focusing on the horror through worrying about her fingers, when actually, the worst is really over now.

"Now this has all settled down and reality is settling down"

My son was poorly when he was three and was in hospital. When he was in hospital and getting treatment, I felt almost institutionalised and went with the flow. Afterwards, I think it really hit me what had happened and what could have happened.

I think you are just coming to terms with everything that has happened. You say up thread that you think you have no right to feel like this - of course you do! You've been through a traumatic experience and have every right to be affected by it. My son was in hospital 13 years ago, and on the anniversary weekend, I still find myself re-living every moment.

Time will heal these feelings, and you will move on. However, allow,yourself time to process your emotions and come to terms with what has happened.

How old is your DD? As her fingers grow, the difference to the injured finger may well be less noticeable anyway.

soup my daughter is 14 months.

Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories. I'm sorry for those of you who have suffered with children and accidents but it does help to know that you cope.

I know I will too. I just get moments of sadness.

Hypnotic please go and speak to someone about your feelings as a matter of urgency, not just for yourself but because if these feelings continue they may be unintentionally projected onto you DD as she grows up.

My cousin lost part of three fingers on his right hand when he was three or four (the pinky from below the knuckle, the ring from above the knuckle and the tip from the second joint of his third finger) after they were crushed in the mechanical part of a seesaw at the local park, my aunt was only a few feet away but was talking and missed it, she blamed herself massively for years.
My cousin is now 29 and i cant remember any time when he has struggled with his confidence or been teased about his fingers, he used to tell people they were bitten off by a lion at the zoo, which the other children found fascinating.
He works with computers and i don't think his partial digits affect him negatively in any way.

I think your absolutely entitled to have these feelings

My DH is a dentist and he says one if the hardest parts (well - minus people with cancer) of his job is when children come in who have knocked out their adult teeth. Their patents are naturally devastated and he's had fathers and mothers sobbing so much that it's taken a few appointments to be able to genuinely talk through the options with them

I think it's natural - we all want the "best" for our DC and if we feel (rightly or wring my) that we have failed them, that is very hard.

If it helps at all.

One of my children has almost 70% of their body totally covered in scar tissue combined with graft dips and everything.

Only one person has ever bullied her about it and due to her nature she's very susceptible to that sort of thing.

It's hard to deal with but it is something that you will just stop noticing.

Button, this is about your guilt (of 'letting' it happen AND of your resulting feelings) and grief at lost perfection rather than anything to do with your DD who will be absolutely fine and I am sure absolutely gorgeous.

'Perfection' is a very pernicious thing and expecting it just sets us up to fail.

And parenting comes with guilt - I still feel vaguely guilty that I was unable to keep DS2 inside me longer than 31 weeks. I know his early arrival was in no way, shape or form my fault, he is now 12 and absolutely well, but still…. as his mother I 'ought' to have looked out for him better, shouldn't I??
Well, no , but there's no accounting for feelings.

Please seek help for how upset and anxious you feel about the whole thing. Otherwise there is a chance that your DD will be more affected by a struggling mum rather than a missing finger tip which will cause her no functional problems at all in normal life.

OP, I don't know if this will help but have you ever noticed Christian Bales missing finger tip, (or if your are a star trek fan Original Scotty's missing finger.) unless you know about it you probably haven't.

Things like this do not normally stand out.

My DD lost her two front adult teeth, aged nine. It was the most traumatic thing I've ever gone through and affected me far more than loved ones dying which sounds ridiculous. The flashbacks and nightmares I had were awful.

She meanwhile now says that her bridgework looks better than her teeth would have done and is fine about it. I don't think I will ever forget the horror I felt but I don't worry now, it's just a part of her.

I think it's our children, we want their lives to be perfect, we feel terrible if we don't achieve that. It's what makes us good mothers.

I have a very beautiful mixed-race Dd of 17. Since she was a toddler she has very gradually been developing vitiligo on her body (loss of pigment). It's spread on one side from her chest, up her back and it's creeping up her neck. I fear it may spread to her face and it will be very noticeable. So far she's not bothered, her dark skin isn't very dark and it's generally covered by clothes. She swims, performs and lives her life to the full. The future may mean either she toughs it out or she resorts to time-consuming full-face make-ups every day. I have some feelings of guilt that this is a genetic abnormality, but there's not a thing I can do about it. She's gorgeous any way she is and I'd far rather have her as she is than be without her.

Your baby is unique and there are far worse things that can happen to a child.

Your dd won't be bothered by it at all because she won't know any different. Children adapt amazingly. That will just be how she is and she'll grow up not knowing anything else.

My sister is missing joints from two fingers. I'd say 90% of people never notice.

I agree with those who say you should seek help. I think we all have some feelings of guilt when our children are hurt, whether on our watch or not, and irrespective of whether there was anything we could have done about it. For most of us those feelings fade over time, but I think it sounds like this has hit you very hard, as such I think help to adjust/ deal with the perceived loss would be beneficial

My DS was warming up for football one day aged about 6, and ran sideways into a tree, cutting his face quite badly. I should have taken him for stitches, but as it stopped bleeding quickly, I thought it would be ok. 11 years on, he has a small but very noticeable scar on his cheek. We've never made much of it, it doesn't bother him (he considers it a war wound!) but sometimes when I look at pre injury photos of him, I feel a bit sad. Then I also remind myself that had the branch he collided with been an inch higher, he'd have injured his eye which would have been far more serious, and that reassures me in a 'it could be worse' kind of way.

I and my daughter have shoulders with extra bits of bones sticking out. In the summer they are noticed and commented on all the time because they are in our friends line of vision.

When I was a child my dad said they were the buds of wings yet to grow, my daughter is told the same and replies the same to those who comment.

How you react and talk about your daughters finger will make a huge impact on you, your son and your daughter. Try to create a reality, a story which is helpful and supports everyone to deal with it well.

Hugs for you.