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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH not speaking to me. I don't know what to do

66 replies

recyclingbag · 27/02/2016 14:45

I'll try and keep this brief.

We went out with some of his friends last night who came back to ours. We are all really good friends.

I sat on the sofa with one of them and chatted in a cosy way. Nothing sexual at all but I was quite drunk to was sort of cuddled up to him.

I don't fancy him at all and think of him like a little brother.

When they left DH went ballistic.

He says I have no respect for him and can't possibly love him if I behave in such a way. He says it is the final straw and he can't come back from it.

He has not spoken to me all day.

I've apologised but it's not enough. He says he knows there was nothing going on but it was disrespectful nonetheless and we are over.

I am dreading when the kids go to bed.

OP posts:
OzzieFem · 27/02/2016 17:02

Hmm. Wonder how the friend really felt about you cuddling up to him. Did he have a partner with him, who might also have had an argument about it afterwards?

Partners do have to be considerate to each other, it's not a way one thing. It really sounds like you both need some counselling either singly and/or together if you want your marriage to stick.

MaybeDoctor · 27/02/2016 17:10

Sitting next to someone, shoulders touching - yes, ok.

As above, with arm round shoulders- maybe ok if you are all very good friends.

As above, but nestled into armpit or head on his chest - no.

Anything with legs - no way!

BathtimeFunkster · 27/02/2016 17:12

example he cited was arranging a meeting before checking he could do the school run. He obviously never checks with me, including overnight stays but apparently that's different.

Oh I see the problem - you treat him the way he treats you, because you imagine that you are equal.

No, no, no.

He doesn't want to be treated like he treats you. That's not good enough, because he's better than you.

Joysmum · 27/02/2016 17:22

What do you do?

You go and speak to him. You say you can see how upset your behaviour has made him and you're so sorry that you've hurt him so much. That you won't ever do so again and to make sure, you'll monitor your alcohol intake.

Original poster
recyclingbag · 27/02/2016 17:27

It was definitely the second of those scenarios.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 27/02/2016 17:33

I wouldn't sit cuddled up to someone with their arm round me in front of my husband, and he wouldn't do it either - totally inappropriate whichever way round it was

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/02/2016 17:43

It is a shame that the evening concluded the way it did OP and he's still cross. If you apologised, he could do better than freeze you out the next day.

You are both adults so you should be able to discuss this - dragging additional misdeeds into this makes his original reason for losing his temper look shaky. It makes it seem like he was waiting for an excuse to lecture you on all your other failings too. Clearly he's annoyed about more than one aspect of married life at present.

If things are normally fine between you and you are a good team together it doesn't mean one awkward evening torpedoed the rest of your time together.

Marchate · 27/02/2016 19:06

OP, are you in danger? Has he ever assaulted you? I ask because you said you are worried about what would happen when your children go to bed

Never mind the details of a drunken evening. No-one should still be resentful of a 15 years old issue. Does he generally bear grudges? Will this new argument be brought up in 15 years?

Take care

Original poster
recyclingbag · 27/02/2016 19:25

No I'm not in danger. He can get angry but not physically.

He hasn't brought up the 15 year old thing and I don't expect him to.

Hopefully we can have a proper conversation.

OP posts:
MatrixReloaded · 27/02/2016 20:09

The Like A Brother comment makes me deeply uncomfortable. It's a phrase often used to put an innocent spin on something very inappropriate. I have never cuddled up to my brother and chatted to him in a cosy way. Yuk.

Would you really behave like that with your brother ?

I'd be fuming if my husband did this.

Oly5 · 27/02/2016 20:16

But it all sounds like a symptom of a greater problem. I don't think you asking him to help wth the school run is unreasonable.. Or shopping or cooking. You're both working FFS
But it sounds like there is unhappiness on both sides. You need to get to the root of it

Iamthedon · 27/02/2016 20:19

So you both cuddle up to other people when drunk? How Strange Hmm

lunar1 · 27/02/2016 20:26

I wouldn't be happy if dh did this, and there is no way I would cuddle up to another man on my sofa!

defineme · 27/02/2016 20:39

I have only just come back to this and discovered quite strong reactions to my comment that dh didn't sound great...i stand by that comment. Op says she does more than her share in the house-all the sorting, he expects to do as he pleases, but she has to ask permission, she's done something that he admits meant nothing but is still something he is going to leave her over despite an apology, she's scared of him...
Doesn't sound great to me.
She said sort of cuddling up. My physical boundaries relax when i have a few drinks-friends get goodbye kisses and I probably do more arm touching etc too. She admitted it looked inappropriate and said she won't do it again.

JolseBaby · 27/02/2016 20:57

What exactly do you mean by 'cuddled up'? How where you sitting?

Your H sounds a bit unreasonable if he thinks that his time is more important than yours - i.e. he can arrange his life without checking with you, but you can't do the same.

However even if the cuddling was more inappropriate than friendly, my guess is there's more to it than this. It sounds very unlikely that this one thing would be enough to prompt your H to decide to end the marriage. Have things been happy - properly happy - of late?

Marchate · 27/02/2016 21:00

Like defineme, I'm struggling to understand why OP is under fire, not her unpleasant husband

AyeAmarok · 27/02/2016 21:14

Your relationship sounds pretty terrible OP.

You have inappropriate messages with his friends. He forgives you, and you throw that forgiveness back in his fave by cosying up to his friend in front of him.

That is really disrespectful. Come on now, why are you being so cruel?

wannaBe · 27/02/2016 21:21

Only on MN would the husband get the blame if his wife was cuddled up to some other bloke on their couch, having previously had inappropriate conversations with other men. But as long as she says he doesn't pull his weight around the house that's alright innit? Next time a woman posts on here that her DH has been having inappropriate conversations with other women and people leap on the emotional affair bandwagon it might be appropriate to remind her that she probably doesn't pull her weight around the house and that she's probably to blame. No? Thought not. Hmm.

Let's face it the op has form for becoming inappropriately involved with other men while in a relationship with her H. And is so blasay about it that she has no qualms in cuddling up to another man on the couch in front of her DH and other friends. If someone were that inappropriate in front of their husband I would be asking what they do when the husband isn't around to witness.

Whether he does the school run is irrelevant as to whether it's ok for her to be cuddled up to some other bloke in front of him. Clearly the op has no boundaries at all and has no qualms in flaunting her potential infidelity in front of her own husband. I'd be questioning the relationship too.

And if this were a man posting that he'd been cuddling another woman on his couch and his wife was upset he'd be torn to shreds.

MissFenella · 27/02/2016 21:21

An ex did the same to me once - accused me of cuddling up to a mutual male friend and I had no idea what he meant. No sexual thoughts from me at all toward the friend.

I wasn't the one covering a guilty conscience as it turned out, he was and had been for a long time.

Sallystyle · 27/02/2016 22:42

An ex did the same to me once - accused me of cuddling up to a mutual male friend and I had no idea what he meant. No sexual thoughts from me at all toward the friend.

Except the OP admits she was cuddled up to him, so he isn't accusing her of something she didn't do.

AyeAmarok · 27/02/2016 23:09

And if this were a man posting that he'd been cuddling another woman on his couch and his wife was upset he'd be torn to shreds.

Yup.

Coconutty · 27/02/2016 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 27/02/2016 23:16

What's all this 'cuddling up' to each other's friends shit.

You both sound odd

CooPie10 · 27/02/2016 23:35

Wow you had a damn cheek to be 'cuddling
Up' with another man in front of your Dh. He's reaction is justified. And you've done this type of thing before. Sounds like you have form for it and no wonder his 'last straw' comment. I'm certain there are plenty other incidents to get him to that point of going by what you consider as 'innocent'.

PickledCauliflower · 28/02/2016 00:20

I would say that "cuddling up" to an opposite sex friend like this is usually inappropriate. It's bound to cause a reaction of some sort.
If my husband done this with a female friend, I would feel embarrassed - and annoyed.
If they had been best friends since infant school maybe, but otherwise no!

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