emergency bag - what to pack - urgent.

[zombiemeow]

H has just been arrested for drink driving.

We split this morning, he was stabbing the kitchen work top with knives.

The police have said they don't have to tell me when he's being released. He's going to be really angry.

I'm packing small bags so as soon as ds is awake we can get out of here.

Any ideas of what I will need?

I couldn't find an e mall godess, do you know what it is?

Can you give us an approximate area that you live in meow? Not exact but so we might be able to give you some info.

Posted on the previous page by HemanorsheRa www.womensaid.org.uk/

From WA Website - don't email, they can take 3 days to reply!

Freephone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline

Run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge
PHONE: 0808 2000 247

Email: [email protected]*
Please note we can not respond to emails by telephone as safety may be compromised. If you wish to speak to somebody please call the number above.

We will respond to your email within 3 working days. The National Domestic Violence Helpline can only offer limited information by email as we don’t have the resources to provide on-going support or in-depth information in this way. If you require an urgent response or need in-depth emotional support please contact the Freephone 24 hour Helpline on 0808 2000 247* When you email the Helpline it’s very important that you specify when and if it is safe to respond and to which email address. Your safety is our main concern.

I hope you get out when ds is awake. Hopefully if he needs a MH assessment that will delay him getting out.

TBH you're most likely to be able to access/ to be directed to refuge space rather than homeless provision and you can arrange that yourself if you can get through to the helpline.

Thank you, I keep ringing but it says all the lines are busy

I can't believe it, ds doesn't sleep well at all. Tonight he has been asleep the whole time and slept through banging and crashing, Windows smashing and shouting

You can search for your nearest service here www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

The email address is [email protected] but as there can be a delay of 5 working days before you receive a reply that won't be much good to you now, although it won't hurt to email a brief account of what's gone on in the past few hours when you have time.

Having read your other thread and your subsequent response here, it seems that the police may not have logged your call as being related to domestic abuse as it appears that your primary concern was that your h didn't harm himself rather than fear that he'd harm you.

I advocate for victims to stay in their own homes, particularly where there are dc who need stability after witnessing violence or a parent acting out, and it seems to me that you may be best advised to stay put, wait to see how he presents when he returns to your home, and have your phone primed to call 999 if you have reason to suppose that he may harm you.

In case anyone forms the view that this advice is somewhat gung-ho and may place you at risk, it should be possible for you to gauge his mood from an upstairs window while he's standing on the doorstep unable to gain access because a) he hasn't got his keys and b) the entry door is securely locked. If you have any fear that he smash his way in, call 999 and lock yourself in the bathroom, loo, or any room that has a lock on the door or suffiicient furniture to form a barricade, until the police arrive.

I also suggest you get back to the police and ask to be referred to an officer who works in your regional police authority's Domestic Violence Unit as you are concerned that he may visit the damage he inflicted on the worktop by stabbing it with a knife on you/your dc.

The net result of this should be that you will have sufficient cause to apply for an occupation order which will keep him out of your home and for a non-molestation order to keep him away from you when you are out and about.

As I've said, at the moment it appears that the concern is one of him self-harming whereas the priority should be to keep you safe from violence from him.

Alternatively, you could cram your car to the brim, set off for your grandad's after your dc has had breakfast, make the necessary calls to the police, and search for your nearest Women's Aid/Refuge service.

Does he have any friends/relatives he could stay with?

Have you taken photographs of the worktop?

I don't know how these things work but if he is threatening suicide and violence then it sounds as if he could and should be sectioned under the mental health act for his own and your safety. Is there a social services Mental Health crisis team that you could call for advice?

I have photos of the counter.

I don't know why but I feel awful for him. I feel like a horrible person right now.

I just missed a call from the police station. I have called them but the person I need to speak to has just gone out so I have to wait for another call. The person on the phone said he is still in custody though.

I have spoke to WA, they have gave me numbers for a refuge if I need one and numbers for my local domestic violence unit, she said I need an individual advisor or something. I have wrote it down but am so tired I feel like my brain might burst.

Crisis team won't do anything on ops call it gas to be the person with mh who calls.
Op if you have somewhere to go and stay for weekend then go.
Don't worry about his keys wait for police to call you in the morning.

He may have a (miraculous) recovery from suicidal thoughts if he merely angry...or if genuine police will refer him to mh team. Let them handle it.

Council will have a duty social worker but as he with police you don't need to call them right now.

If the OP's h hadn't been drunk there's a possibility that he would have been sectioned for 72 hours, Quodlibet, but there's also a possibility that he would have talked his way out of it - 'the missus told me she wants out of our marriage, I lost the plot a bit, very sorry officer, won't happen again' whereupon the police may have come over evangelical and told him to go and sin no more.

Fwiw, if either possibility had happened the OP would still be without cause to obtain court orders and my concern is that if she leaves now, she's unlikely to be able to return to her home without her h being in residence.

He is very good with his words and putting on an act. I have no doubt he will worm himself out of it.

He told me he has been sectioned before (I think? He said he was arrested for mental health) but I don't know how true that is.

I don't know why but I feel awful for him. I feel like a horrible person right now

This a common reaction and the reason you 'feel awful for him' is that you are NOT a horrible person and, ifou were, you'd have helped him throw the rope over the banisters and handed him a chair.

Neverthless, first, foremost and last, you MUST look out for yourself because your dc is reliant on you for their welfare and wellbeing while your h is a fully formed adult who is more than capable of fending for himself.

am so tired I feel like my brain might burst I don't advise you drive at the moment - try to grab 40 winks before dc wakes and then down a few gallons of coffee while you wait to find out when he'll be released which, hopefully, won't be until after the police dv unit opens for business c8am.

I doubt that he'll be able to worm his way out of drink driving or drunk in charge of a vehicle, but it remains to be seen whether he'll be banned from driving for a while and/or collect penalty points on his licence, either of which will send his car insurance skywards.

In any event, he's entirely responsible for his own behaviour and can't shift the blame to you.

Op I ve been where you are (combination of mh and abusivesness) and you need to let police handle him.
They will prob keep him overnight til morning shift.
You can keep doors locked if he turns up ranting call police again .

If they release him it's coz he s not presenting as in need of sectioning.

Whose house is it?
Do you have someone to go to ?

This is your opportunity tho to break away.
Look after you and ds.

Let him sort himself out he is an adult.

The same happened to my friend and she got an order to keep him away from the house- erratic behaviour and threatening suicide at the end of the marriage. It kept her in her home with their sons. Is that possible with the help of the police?

I spoke to WA and they have given me a number for my local WA, they said I am high risk of dv and need a dv caseworker or something.

I have left the house now.

I feel awful. I know he is going to do something to hurt himself. I don't know how he can act like that with ds in the house.

Thank you all for getting me through a thoroughly shitty night

It could be that a night in the cells of a police custody suite, which is not a pleasant place to be, has had a salutory effect on him.

Without knowig the history of your relationship with him it's not possible to gauge what risk he poses to you and, in the absence of that information, my concern is the damage he may do to your property rather than to himself if you're not there to blow the whistle on him.

If he does harm himself it's more likely to be gesture politics than a genuine cry for help, and I see his antics with the knife and the worktop as being more of a way of intimidating you than notice of intent to harm you.

Hopefully you'll be able to speak to a caseworker today and will be referred to a solicitor who will advise you to apply for an occupation order and a non-mol which will keep him away from your home.

Any refuge placement you're offered is likely to be miles away from your current city/county and as you are co-owner of a property it's unlikely you'd be eligible for council/social housing, at least until it's sold and any equity divided during the divorce process.

The reason he acted the way he did with your ds in the house is because he has no respect for you, his marriage, or his child as it's all about him. In the greater scheme of things he's just one of many self-entitled and self-absorbed twats who resort to amateur dramatics when things aren't going their way.

I think you hit it on the head godess.

He has hit me in the past years ago.

He has also slit his wrists and used to make regular suicide attempts.

He's been messaging people telling them he wants to die.

The police officer said that they will get their mental health unit to talk to him too

As far as I'm aware, the police don't have a 'mental health unit' as such and it's more likely that they got the duty doctor to give him the once over or, at a pinch, may have called in an out-of-hours mental health social worker to assess him.

I suggest you don't put too much reliance on this unless, by some miracle, it transpires he's been sectioned for 72 hours.

With reference to my previous post, I should have stated that if the police assess you as being at high risk of dv they can beef up the security at your home and provide a panic button, as well as flagging up your phone number as being in urgent need of response.

It wasn't the police who said I'm high risk it was WA.

I just hate this uncertainty of not knowing what he's doing and what he's going to do.

I feel sick.

There's no reason why you and your ds should be driven out of your home by his antics and I sincerely hope you'll be able to get the necessary orders today or Monday so that you can return and get on with your life without him in it.

Do please resist the temptation to feel sorry for him as he loves nothing more than a sympathetic audience who'll tell him what a poor misunderstood diddums he is and how you're heartless not to knock yourself out to pander to his every wish. What an utter twat he is!

Good luck today zombie
I hope you get some things sorted out.
It's hard, but try not to feel bad for him.
He's done this to himself and you are not responsible for a grown man.
Just for your DS.