Shit. I've become my exes OW

[Bollockswhathaveidone]

We have been separated nearly 3 years now. We have always maintained a fairly okay relationship, for dcs sake if nothing else.

He has been seeing a woman for a few weeks.

He stays here two or three nights a week in the spare room, to take dc to school as I leave for work at 6am.

This last week things have become strange between us. I've had no feelings for him for a long time and have definitely felt no kind of chemistry, but I've been ill this week and he's been very affectionate and caring (very out of character). We ended up in bed together.

Tonight is one of the nights he stays. We had a very intimate (for want of a better word) talk this evening and he very earnestly told me he'd never stopped loving me and the reason things had become strained between us and eventually led to our split was because we had unreasonable expectations of each other. (He was working very long hours and I was looking after a small baby alone... we never seemed to communicate effectively and this led to disagreements) He has never been the kind of man to express his feelings like this. He then went on to say how the dynamic of our relationship has now changed and who knew what the future held. Once again I got caught up in it all and we had sex.

Afterwards he asked if we could "cuddle", which again is very unlike him, but then says I never do this with new woman. He also said how he'd never cheated on anyone before and didn't expect to feel like this but didn't elaborate further.

My head is a total mess. Essentially I am now the other woman but i am a total shit and feel no kind of guilt or remorse about doing it. I think I'm still in love with him. The situation is so fucked up. I can't not have him stay because I've got no one to have dd, but I know that each time he's here I'm going to want him and it will keep happening. I'd never ask him to finish with NW but I can't keep messing around with someone else's bloke!

I don't really know what I hope to achieve from this thread. Feel free to call me every name under the sun because I'm disgusting and I deserve it. Maybe I just need to see people telling me that

He is flattering himself into your pants but has got together with another woman very recently too...

who [knows] what the future [holds]

Carrot-dangling. Be very wary OP and guard your heart.

At present you are his baby-mama with benefits, no more. It sounds like he made his move when you were vulnerable and knew exactly what to say...

If he loves you he would end it with the OW, wouldn't he? When you love someone you can't bear to be with anyone else.

Both my exes cheated on their next wives with me. Before they were married, but the relationships were serious.

For me it was a case of familiarity, "it just happened" (more than once ) and, I dunno, the emotional ties that still existed. You don't just erase years of history when you split. It was also curiosity, I'm afraid: I wanted to see how it would feel; whether he'd changed in any interesting ways and whether the sex would feel different (it did.)

It's easy to explain why I didn't tell the girlfriends - they wouldn't have believed me! Classic jealous ex story, isn't it?

It's also easy to explain why I didn't see it as a chance to have them back - they were cheating on women who loved them and with whom they were creating a future. This made me despise their actions.

My stories are somewhat different to yours, Bollocks - both men had been abusive although I didn't recognise that then, and both had cheated on me. The way you describe your previous relationship, it just caved under pressure rather than being severely imbalanced. But it wasn't strong enough to survive the pressures of a young family, was it? He wasn't a kind & thoughtful, cuddly man when you needed one - only now, when you don't. He isn't that man for his girlfriend, either.

I would take extremely good care of your heart, if I were you. Preferably by knocking this on the head.

Do what you feel to be right. It may well be that all will be well maybe he has really changed and seen the light. He's human, your human none of us is just so and gets it right all the time. As others have suggested see if he drops the relationship with the other woman pronto and wants to really re-commit to you after all you know him best of all and I do hope it works out for the both of you. Good luck!

Welcome to MN, OP.

Thankyou to everyone who has posted.

He didn't go to her like he normally does. I heard him let himself in and go and sleep in the spare room last night and he said this morning he didn't want to see her even though she was texting him to go to her.

You've all given very valid points to consider thankyou

OP Personal question. Did either of you use contraception?

I have an implant.

He just phoned to say he's ended it with her

Did you have a conversation about having a relationship, or does he just want a shag?

We only briefly spoke this morning before he went to work. But he wants to come later and talk

Good-oh. How did it go?

(Side note - if you didn't use a condom with him, get thee to a sexual health clinic pronto)

I think if he is serious about this he will give counselling a go.

I didn't with him bit he did with her

He's not long got here from work and has asked for a bath as he's not well and filthy from work so we havenot really spoken but we had a brief text exchange this afternoon. She was apparently asking to just be friends with benefits but he didn't want to. I said I can't pass any kind of comment and he asked why. So I told him because I don't want anyone else to have him. He said he didn't know I felt that way and why hadn't I brought this up before. I said it was irrelevant because he didn't reciprocate and he said he did and always had but thought I'd moved on

Bollockswhathaveidone suppose you could say negotiations are in progress then;!

Can't see why the OW can't go an get another FWB all shes gotta do is sign up with Plenty of Fish and she should get all the FWB's she needs !.

Still looking a bit better for you, hope it all works out for all your sakes:)

What this is depends on what happens next.

If you two get back together, and he does appear genuinely to have been thinking things through and have changed, then it's a kind of overlap.

If he plays you and then goes back to her then he's an arsehole.

If he'd been with her a for years rather than weeks I'd say different.

In short, I think it's messy I don't think it's a disaster.

It's positive that he ended things with her off his own bat.

Keep talking, and mostly watch his actions. Are they the actions of a man who respects you, wants the best for you, and wants to be with you?

OK. So he's ended it with her = positive.
You're talking more openly = positive.

Now ask him about going to couples counselling so you can thrash it all out together - if he agrees = positive.

Negatives would be him refusing to go, or ceasing to talk. Disappearing without you knowing where he is, that kind of thing.

If you want this to work, you're going to have to BOTH be very clear about your expectations, and go slowly so that your DC aren't hurt. So this is really going to involve LOTS of very open chat with him - if he's not up for that, then, well...

:) Hope you're feeling good and strong in yourself, Bollocks. Best wishes, and don't take any shit!

Btw, "I have an implant" wins my Autocorrect Of The Day award!

- why is that an autocorrect winner, Garlic?

Oh, heck!!! I've only just realised ... I thought it was an autocorrect for "update" and went

But it was in response to the questions about protected sex, wasn't it?

I'm a numpty. Thanks, Thumb!

- thought I was missing something there!

Haha garlic that confused me too!

He said he didn't think I wanted to be with him because of his lack of affection (he's always been like that though, his family are the same aswell I've never seen his parents hug or kiss anyone especially each other. I've told him I don't want rainbows and unicorns, just a bit of respect and consideration. No decisions have been made but he was more open about his feelings which is a start

Honestly, I think it all sounds very positive. He was seeing someone for a few weeks, realized that he still had feelings for you and ended things with her immediately. That's not ideal but I don't think it's a sin that no one can get past. And you clearly still have feelings for him. Take it slow, but I think you should give it a go and see how it goes. I'd have hope in your position.

The first couple of years of being parents completely finished my marriage off. He had an affair. He's married to her now. We have spoken frankly about it all and he expressed regret. He still loves me and believes that in another universe we could have found our way back to each other, but his relationship with his new wife happened. I think he's right. It was circumstance that ended us. Not a lack of love.

I say this to support you and him, but also with a caveat. We could have found our way back to each other, and we'd have been ok, and there's no doubt I'd have wanted it desperately for my son, but the years I spent raising him alone were the best of my life. I discovered who I am and what I am capable of. And now I am with a man who is more suited to me in almost every way. I'd have been ok with my ex. I'm more than ok with my new partner, even though he drives me potty at times. This is the love people write about.

I still love my ex-husband. Still care about him. Still find his personality attractive. But that doesn't mean we should be together. I'm happy with the way things turned out, he's happy with his wife.

So don't settle. Don't go back for familiarity reasons, or for the sake of your child together. Do it because he's the one you want to spend every single day with. The one you want to explore the world with. The one you want to die with. You have an opportunity now to make a choice. Good luck!