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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shit. I've become my exes OW

78 replies

Bollockswhathaveidone · 25/02/2016 00:07

We have been separated nearly 3 years now. We have always maintained a fairly okay relationship, for dcs sake if nothing else.

He has been seeing a woman for a few weeks.

He stays here two or three nights a week in the spare room, to take dc to school as I leave for work at 6am.

This last week things have become strange between us. I've had no feelings for him for a long time and have definitely felt no kind of chemistry, but I've been ill this week and he's been very affectionate and caring (very out of character). We ended up in bed together.

Tonight is one of the nights he stays. We had a very intimate (for want of a better word) talk this evening and he very earnestly told me he'd never stopped loving me and the reason things had become strained between us and eventually led to our split was because we had unreasonable expectations of each other. (He was working very long hours and I was looking after a small baby alone... we never seemed to communicate effectively and this led to disagreements) He has never been the kind of man to express his feelings like this. He then went on to say how the dynamic of our relationship has now changed and who knew what the future held. Once again I got caught up in it all and we had sex.

Afterwards he asked if we could "cuddle", which again is very unlike him, but then says I never do this with new woman. He also said how he'd never cheated on anyone before and didn't expect to feel like this but didn't elaborate further.

My head is a total mess. Essentially I am now the other woman but i am a total shit and feel no kind of guilt or remorse about doing it. I think I'm still in love with him. The situation is so fucked up. I can't not have him stay because I've got no one to have dd, but I know that each time he's here I'm going to want him and it will keep happening. I'd never ask him to finish with NW but I can't keep messing around with someone else's bloke!

I don't really know what I hope to achieve from this thread. Feel free to call me every name under the sun because I'm disgusting and I deserve it. Maybe I just need to see people telling me that

OP posts:

FarinaHuevos · 25/02/2016 08:55

Agree that he needs to end his current relationship if he wants to get back with you for more than just a shag and a cuddle. Then you two should talk more about what went wrong between you and take things very slowly.

I'm wary to say go for it because you said you had no feelings and felt no chemistry for him. Sleeping with him may have been some fucked up territorial instinct.

Joysmum · 25/02/2016 08:58

Afterwards he asked if we could "cuddle", which again is very unlike him, but then says I never do this with new woman

Not only is he a disgusting cheat twice over, he's not doing so because he's compartmentalised and not thinking of his girlfriend, he's actively comparing you to her, to you!

I'm even more disgusted and him and feel very sorry for you that you're up for that

wotoodoo · 25/02/2016 09:24

just go with the flow, sounds like you have the best of both worlds anyway.

But personally as I could not live with dishonesty and deception I would drop his partner a note to let her know the situation.

Some people are just not cut out for monogamy. Others need to be deceitful and secretive to get their kicks.

Just do what is the best for your dc since you are not sure what is best for you and go from there.

differentnameforthis · 25/02/2016 10:18

I am going against the grain here to say that I think you are playing with fire.

You are vulnerable
you have low self esteem (you said that you are disgusting - you are NOT, btw)
Struggling without his help/financial input
He suddenly gets all open & honest, then gets to sleep with you, and confesses to having a gf (would you have slept with him if you knew this info? I bet not, and he KNOWS that! But now, after sleeping with him twice, he is in your head & it is "a total mess")

It's easy to be a "changed person" when you only have to do it twice a week.

Before you slept with him, you had no feelings for him, after you slept with him, you think you are still in love with him.

Are you sure that what he brings to the table (companionship, money) isn't what you are in love with (not being rude), because you sound lonely, op.

And this man, who can so easily cheat on a NEW gf, is just someone who wants his cake & eat it too....

BoboChic · 25/02/2016 10:24

I think you would both do well to see a counsellor/mediator who could help you gain clarity about your mutual expectations from your relationship. It sounds as if your relationship broke down due to excessive pressure (time, money) rather than loss of attraction. It sounds quite salvageable, providing you are both reasonable about what you can reasonably give one another.

Don't worry about NW - she isn't your problem.

Original poster

Bollockswhathaveidone · 25/02/2016 10:36

I've know about the NW since the start so I am not innocent in this either

I've been on a few dates in the last year and always find myself comparing them to him so not sure it's just because of the sex I feel like I still love him? Maybe there has always been something there but I've just convinced myself there's not to protect myself?

Ergh I just don't know.

different I also wonder if you're right regarding the companionship etc. Maybe I've convinced myself I love him because of his determination to provide for dc? It's always been his choice to do so, I've never asked for anything from him and whenever I've told him I would be able to go it completely alone he's always said he's happy to continue the way things are and he'd rather it be that way than having to put dc at the mercy of the benefits system

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/02/2016 10:44

I'm absolutely baffled at the double-standards employed by some posters here. Complete disrespect for the new partner as if she doesn't even exist.

He could be decent, he's choosing not to be and you are choosing to be complicit in cheating. Don't dress it up as anything else, that's exactly what it is.

I also get the feeling that the large amount being paid has a direct correlation to your acceptance of this situation. That's really not very nice, you know and money isn't love. It's not good that you aren't able to support yourself and your child financially; you have equal responsibility for that and it would put you on a better footing to repairing your self-esteem.

You say you love him but HE is with someone else and remains with them. He doesn't love you otherwise he would have ended it. You say that this will happen every time he's there... just WHY? Why are you selling yourself so cheap? This is your daugther's father and if you don't hold yourself as something to be treated properly, he will never do that. He dumped YOU remember?

Don't be the other woman because irrespective of the ridiculous posts on here that are glossing over the facts because he's your ex, this is EXACTLY what you now are and no different from any other OW.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/02/2016 10:46

You're not able to 'go it alone' financially. Go on benefits if they're needed. Anything but this because it's extremely damaging for you and setting a bad example for your children. Benefits would give you some feeling of independence at least.

differentnameforthis · 25/02/2016 10:49

I think trying to live a life where you can both be parents & raise a child with little to no anger is fabulous. There is nothing wrong with that.

he's always said he's happy to continue the way things are and he'd rather it be that way than having to put dc at the mercy of the benefits system
I am worried that his insistence on being so hands on, along side the newly found sexual relationship, could be his way of reaping the rewards for "good behavior" or your way of "thanking" him for his help.

What would happen if his gf was to find out she was pregnant? Would he drop you & rush to her, leaving you high & dry?

I dunno op. Three years of nothing, new gf on the scene & all of a sudden he is the partner & father you always wanted him to be?

Only you can know for sure if he could actually have changed this much.

Boomingmarvellous · 25/02/2016 11:06

At one time you loved each other enough to become a couple and have a child, so it's unsurprising that some of that feeling is still in both of you.

He sounds as though he has grown up and is more open about his feelings. Also it sounds as though you have much more realistic expectations of him rather than expecting someone working such a long day to be as attentive. Maybe you are more mature?

That's all good as it's what relationships need. He should now finish it with the other woman (he needs to be honest with her too) and together maybe you can have some couples counselling to see if you can make it work. And I would also ensure good contraception until you both know what you want.

Fifi10 · 25/02/2016 11:07

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it.

Reminds me of a cat we once took in who it turned out was having dinner at most of the houses on our street. He was also very loving and affectionate on the odd nights each week when he was in our house....

alltouchedout · 25/02/2016 11:30

If he's cheating with you, he will one day cheat on you. You know that.

HortonWho · 25/02/2016 11:35

He has been seeing someone for 3 weeks? That's dating. Non exclusive dating, for most people. How is she suddenly his "girlfriend"?

He doesn't make another date and their "relationship" is overz

HortonWho · 25/02/2016 11:36

"over."

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/02/2016 11:37

His relationship with the OP is over, has been for 3 years. If it weren't, he wouldn't be seeing anybody else because he'd still be with OP.

NewLife4Me · 25/02/2016 11:43

He's playing you?
Why would he comment on not being like that with his gf who he's only been seeing for 3 weeks, of course they won't be close in that time.
You were poorly, he was nice, there's a reason of not being able to communicate well with each other.
Move on.

chocorabbit · 25/02/2016 12:12

If he is so much in love with you, what is stopping him from finishing it with NW?! This means that he is lying to you. Or wait, does he "love" her too?

dottypotter · 25/02/2016 12:54

what kind of person accepts their partner is staying over at the exes house how strange and plenty of people manage to go to work and not have the ex stay over?

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate · 25/02/2016 13:15

I think you only want him now, because he has a new GF. You didn't want him or love him, for the past 3 years. That's a long time, for him to have been coming to your home, and you not giving him a second look.

Why now?
I'll tell you why. Because it's forbidden/dangerous, there's a new element of you doing something you shouldn't be doing. Just remember, when it was just you two, you couldn't give a monkeys about each other.

Underneath it all, I suspect you may be worried about the money side of things. If he gets serious with GF or even has kids with her, your money train could change tracks and you will be left with nowt.

Treetop12 · 25/02/2016 13:24

If he finished with new GF, moved back in with you, and it ended happily ever after, then that's great, and stranger things have happened.

But in reality, I agree with BlueEyes . . I think it's the fact that it's a bit naughty and dangerous that is appealing. We've all been there when an ex gets a new partner and we suddenly get these feelings back . . .unfortunately I think you may just be a bit jealous.

I may be totally wrong, I'm just going on past experiences x

ILikeUranus · 25/02/2016 13:27

He seems like a remorseless cheat, are you sure you want him back, for him to do that to you? It sounds like you want to make a go of it, in which case I would just tell him that and see what he thinks. Obviously he needs to leave his current gf, and if you want him back you should tell him so as well. Although it really doesn't bode well that you actually have to tell him that, especially as he's already shagged you twice, he really should have left her already (or not shagged you and cuddled you while talking about her)! Good luck with him - you'll need it!

Treetop12 · 25/02/2016 13:34

Just to add (& I'm sure you already feel this way) . . .something needs to happen re; the new GF, asap. It isn't fair for her to be unknowingly involved in a complicated situation like this.

You and him need to work through whatever it is that is going on - but let her move on asap.

Tillytoes14 · 25/02/2016 13:47

If he really loved you, he wouldn't be in a relationship with someone else. I don't like the thought of having sex with an ex and then knowing he's going back to his girlfriend to have sex with her, which means you're basically in an open relationship, are you happy for that to happen? I think he is emotionally manipulating you and the fact he has two women on the go, makes him a cheat, I wouldn't commit myself to that. Have a little think about it and decide what you really want to happen and go from there?

arsenaltilidie · 25/02/2016 17:52

Instead of speculating, why don't you have a talk about where it's going?
The first 2 years of a baby are probably the most difficult in any marriage.

You 2 are probably prime candidates for relationship counselling or for the sake of your DC to at least try again.

Jan45 · 25/02/2016 18:03

Best of both worlds, no drama?

OP, you are having sex with a man who is also having sex with his g/f - sorry but in my book, totally wrong.

If he really wants you and you want him then let him prove that to you by at the very least ending it with the OW, I feel sorry for her.

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