Left Husband for OM - 3 years later - miss the family unit and fear for the future

[tickingclock22]

Facts to date:
Husband was unfaithful. I in turn some years later left husband for other man. My children (20/21) remained living with their dad. I rented for a year but then went on to buy a house with other man and have been together since. He and I as far as our relationship/love is concerned is great - still deeply in love with him and he is with me.

Ex-husband has been living with new partner for past year in what was our family home for 20 years and our 2 adult children still live there.

Husband fought for me for over a year. But each time I considered going back for the sake of the family / for the 25 years we had been together I stopped and couldn't do it. Would have been for the kids and not for him.

However I remain forever guilty and shameful and also regretful. My son accepts my partner - my daughter doesn't which as you can imagine makes life tricky. I have never forced or pushed her. She has to make her own mind up about things.

But....boy do I miss that everyday family life. Yes I see my kids all the time and actually still have a very good relationship with my ex but the ties never seemed to severed. Always something that draws us. Our family is very close so I guess that's what makes it like that. But I know my life ahead could mean a distant relationship with my daughter..no xmas days...no family holidays...no lazy afternoons watching TV. I watch my kids and their BF/GFs go on holidays with their dad and his partner and I know they would never do that with me and mine. My daughter wont come to my house if partner is in. My daughter wont go to any family event if partner goes. I used to be so close to my daughter and they put me on a pedestal but I destroyed that when I lost self respect and my morals and went down the road of an affair.

What I am asking...as a mum...to 2 adult children who are very much home birds and whom have always been close to their parents and enjoy doing things with us...is love and happiness with your partner enough...Will I run the risk of always being an outsider to my kids lives purely because of whom I am with...I struggle with that concept every day...always fearing that one day I wont be included at all!

Can I make right the wrong that I have done...no I cant turn the clock back...I have offered to leave my partner if I knew it would make my kids happier but daughter said no as she wouldn't want me alone - also I know the quest would be on to get me back with her dad. Which I know deep down they all want including Ex...

Yes I made my bed...I know....I love my partner so much and that has never wavered...but...is it enough..?

"SongBird you keep hinting darkly that DD must know some secrets that Dh's cheating was less bad than OP's. That in itself is misogynist."

No. I thought that in order for op's dd to be so disapproving of her mother's affair, there must be a reason why she considered her father's infidelity to be 'less bad'.

I thought this was likely to be due to the duration, intensity or amount of time that had passed since it had happened. I was basing this on some personal experience, and on an absence of information from the op.

OP has been back since to clarify the situation and I no longer think this.

My view after the latest update is that op's ex deserves at least equal condemnation from his dd and anything otherwise is illogical. However, you can't rationalise someone out of an emotional position.

My parents split up when I was 17 and my DF remarried when I was 18. My parents' marriage was obviously bad, so although I was sad, I didn't think for a moment they should make each other more miserable on our account.

I suppose my now-DSM must have been OW, although no-one has ever mentioned it. I simply don't think it is any of my business.

Op you sound like a very loving mother but in all honesty, I think your patience cup is overflowing and you are in danger of facilitating your dd to behave in a petulant spoilt way. She is an adult. She cannot continue to behave like an 8yr old secretly hoping her parents will get back together and live happily ever after. She is 20yrs old. Her holidays and social life is unlikely to even include her parents. Her father was a nasty serial cheater and yet it's somehow her mother's fault that they didn't live happily ever after. That's quite an immature viewpoint. The op should want both her children to grow up realising that staying with a partner who habitually cheats on you is soul destroying and rarely the best thing.

Easier said than done myredcardigan. How do you suggest OP goes about it?

I can't imagine that telling her outright will do much for their fragile relationship.

Surely the best way to show dcs not to accept cheating is to leave a cheating spouse, not stay married to them and make dcs grow up in that toxic atmosphere then have an affair yourself and expect them to be okay about that. Dcs could be insecure anyway growing up with all those unspoken tensions. I'm gobsmacked that so many posters don't sympathise with the dd here. It is her family and her parents. Divorce is hard on the children, even where peoples parents divorce when they are adults imo.

By the way not saying the dd should expect the parents to get back together obviously, but she's allowed to feel all the emotions kids feel around divorce and take time to process it all.

I would sympathise with the op's dd if she was 13/14 when her mother left. But she was already a young adult and now, at 20yrs old she needs to behave like an adult. She is effectively putting strain on her mother's relationship. How about she starts seeing a man and moves in with him and her mother decides not to have anything to do with him as its his fault her daughter left home. Are mothers allowed to behave like that, blame the BF as otherwise her little girl would still be at home? No of course not and the dd would (rightly) be telling her mother she's an adult and it's her decision. This is exactly the same.

And yes, had one of my parents left when I was 12/13, the no doubt I would have been worried and upset. At 17/18, no. And if I had later discovered one was regularly unfaithful and the other had stayed for our sake, I'd have been massively disappointed in the one who stayed.

I actually don't think the who did what matters so much at this stage - 3 years on (and yes I apply that to both).

The marriage is over. Both parents need to support that decision in their behaviour.

I don't think that the DD can possibly just dislike OP's DP, since she won't have anything to do with him. I do think that's fair enough if you have met and dislike your parent's partners but this isn't the case - DD will not be in the same room...

I think if I was the op I would be saying it is perfectly fine to dislike him and totally understandable but not ok to write him off without getting to know him TBH.

And that's basic humanity really, nothing to do with any relationship dynamics.

I wouldn't go back to your ex op.

He does appear to be setting a pretty poor example of what a relationship should look like .
First he shags around whilst married to the op but doesn't leave.

Then he brings in another woman to live in the family home.
Now he is saying he doesn't really love the new woman as he would quite happily have the op back!

Not a good role model by any any stretch of the imagination.

Don't be guilt tripped into going back op.

He quite clearly isn't that great and people are right your did wing be living at home forever.

Totally agree Emily. Op your Exh has sex with OW behind your back, keeps two phones and lives with a woman he would clearly cheat on to have you back, And you refer to him as a good man, laughable!!!!!! Take control of YOUR life op, please YOURSELF, you've done nothing wrong so don't feel the guilt.