Left Husband for OM - 3 years later - miss the family unit and fear for the future

[tickingclock22]

Facts to date:
Husband was unfaithful. I in turn some years later left husband for other man. My children (20/21) remained living with their dad. I rented for a year but then went on to buy a house with other man and have been together since. He and I as far as our relationship/love is concerned is great - still deeply in love with him and he is with me.

Ex-husband has been living with new partner for past year in what was our family home for 20 years and our 2 adult children still live there.

Husband fought for me for over a year. But each time I considered going back for the sake of the family / for the 25 years we had been together I stopped and couldn't do it. Would have been for the kids and not for him.

However I remain forever guilty and shameful and also regretful. My son accepts my partner - my daughter doesn't which as you can imagine makes life tricky. I have never forced or pushed her. She has to make her own mind up about things.

But....boy do I miss that everyday family life. Yes I see my kids all the time and actually still have a very good relationship with my ex but the ties never seemed to severed. Always something that draws us. Our family is very close so I guess that's what makes it like that. But I know my life ahead could mean a distant relationship with my daughter..no xmas days...no family holidays...no lazy afternoons watching TV. I watch my kids and their BF/GFs go on holidays with their dad and his partner and I know they would never do that with me and mine. My daughter wont come to my house if partner is in. My daughter wont go to any family event if partner goes. I used to be so close to my daughter and they put me on a pedestal but I destroyed that when I lost self respect and my morals and went down the road of an affair.

What I am asking...as a mum...to 2 adult children who are very much home birds and whom have always been close to their parents and enjoy doing things with us...is love and happiness with your partner enough...Will I run the risk of always being an outsider to my kids lives purely because of whom I am with...I struggle with that concept every day...always fearing that one day I wont be included at all!

Can I make right the wrong that I have done...no I cant turn the clock back...I have offered to leave my partner if I knew it would make my kids happier but daughter said no as she wouldn't want me alone - also I know the quest would be on to get me back with her dad. Which I know deep down they all want including Ex...

Yes I made my bed...I know....I love my partner so much and that has never wavered...but...is it enough..?

Of course children are always going to say they would prefer their parents to stay together and for them to live with both parents. Even where it is clearly and obviously dangerous to the children's health and wellbeing for that to happen children still want it.

Children are not equipped to make the right decisions for the whole family.

The research says that children benefit from stability and are damaged by confict this does not translate into staying together for the children is best for them.

I admit it's an assumption that the marriage was dysfunctional but I base it on the DD's reaction to these circs and the description of the husband's attitude to relationships.

FWIW a friend's mother left for about 3 years when my friend was in her teens. She then came back and she and friends father have been together again ever since - about 30 years!

But he shouldn't have just decided that you had to become the mother. They are both to blame for that situation, her by leaving and him by deciding it was ok for you to step into that role. I don't think it is fair to blame your mother alone.

I'm not arguing she is blameless I'm saying the parent who was left behind just allowed his 14 year old daughter to become his wife after she left.

He is also partly to blame.

But he did. He left you responsible for childcare and housework which prior to your mother leaving was her contribution to their marriage.

SS would not allow that to happen now.

I can understand why your DD is angry. If you had left your marriage honestly it would have been different, but you had an affair and ultimately left the family home for the OM.

I don't think their ages are relevant. In fact, bring older, and having experienced relationships themselves, they may have more insight into your shitty behaviour than a younger child. They're allowed to be hurt and disappointed, they're allowed to be disgusted and ashamed, they're allowed to hate what you did and hate who you did it with.

Your DH's earlier affair isn't an excuse. If you couldn't forgive him, or didn't love him, why not leave honestly and be by yourself before looking for someone new?

You made your bed etc. Didn't you think about what you'd be losing when you were shagging the other man? Or did you think everyone would come round to your way of thinking? All you can do is respect their right to feel how they feel and keep plugging away.

I agree that it was your husband who broke the marriage. I would hope that she would be mature enough to understand the grief you obviously went through, and how much it took YOU to let him stay? I could be wrong, of course, but I am guessing that you would not have been in the place you were (regarding starting an affair yourself) if this had not already happened in your marriage.

Your daughter needs to be showing a lot more understanding towards you, to put it lightly!

I think it is terrible that at 14 both your parents put you in that position but I think it's quite unfair for your mother to be held solely responsible.

Oh what a load of crap Songbird. Fine for the husband to 'shag around' and not be judged by his daughter then, eh?

OP I was 20 and my sister was 17 when our parents split, and my dad left for OW. 15 years later, we can see with hindsight that these things sometimes happen, and while we were desperately sad and hurt at the time (magnified by mum's heart breaking over it), we've all survived. Our relationship with our dad was fractured for a long time, but we all (us, both parents, their DPs and our husbands) get on ok now. We can all attend family parties/weddings without it turning into an EastEnders show-down

The posters saying that your DD should grow up and be adult about it, I agree to a point, but on the other hand it's very different when it's your own mum and dad. Late teens can be an awkward age anyway, and if your childhood set up/home disintegrates, it's hard to deal with.

It's pretty shit when you find out that your parents are just muddling along the best they can too, like all the other mere mortals

FWIW- I think you're dealing with it well- you're not pressuring her into doing stuff with your DP, and maybe over time that will change naturally as she gets older and more used to things.

Young carers are a different issue. It certainly came across as though your anger about it was entirely directed towards your mother TBH.

No I get you. It's not rude.

The issue with young carers is different because they are not left without adult supervision. They are caring for their parent rather than being left as the responsible person in the house and they (nowadays) have contact with social services etc.

My Mum left our family home for OM, I don't blame her for leaving my father, my Mum and I have a good relationship these days but there is still an element of her leaving me and my sibling that I will never forgive.

I am not saying that she should have stayed in the marriage
for us, totally not but in my eyes she took the easier option in leaving us behind.

3 years isn't a long time, continue to maintain your relationship, see her without your partner if that is what she wants. My sibling hated the OM for a long time but now you wouldn't know it.

Don't be hard on your DD, she didn't ask for this situation. Time is a healer.

Iamloved, presumably if your father had left and your mother had gone to work f/t it would have been a similar outcome?

There is often a warped point of view that a mother leaving is much worse and akin to abandoning her children. Whereas a father leaving for another woman is rarely accused of abandoning his children.

And from my POV a 17/18yr old is an adult and certainly past the age where their parent should stay in the marriage for their sake. That would be ridiculous.

14 is different though. Although the fathers of 14yr olds leave their marriages all the time without it seeming to have the same detrimental effect on their children.

I think your husband destroyed the marriage by having an affair. You finally got the wherewithall to leave when you met someone else.

However, from your daughter's POV you left her when she was 17/18 so in the middle of A levels. I get why she's still upset because that will have had a massive impact on her.

One of my best friend's mum moved next door when she was the same age - everyone knew their marriage was on the rocks but it still hit my friend really hard.

But - your daughter doesn't really get it when she says that her dad had an affair but he stayed. Well yeah, he wasn't the one who was hurt and betrayed, he wanted his cake and eat it. So he had his bit on the side and kept his family life too.

I think when she's older, perhaps when she's been cheated on herself, she'll get it. It's quite unusual to have 20/21 year olds around so much. They'll move out and get more independent soon and it will become less of an issue.

OP, a number of people seem to think that your affair was justified because your DH had been unfaithful several years before. Are you able to say more about the nature of his infidelity?

I think it would help to understand your dc's views on your own affair. There is a big difference between him having a one night stand twenty years ago, and him having a recent five-year affair IMO.

FWIW I don't think a man would be getting such an easy ride, even if his wife had previously been unfaithful.

And I suppose you won't know whether it was 'worth it ' for many years yet. If in ten years you look across the breakfast table at your DP and feel exactly the same about him as you used to feel about your DH, pre-affair, only without the family life and close relationship with your children, then the answer may be no.

I think you need to ask yourself what happens if you leave your partner to return to your family and then within a couple of years your DC have moved out and have partners/families of their own and you are left with your ex.

I could understand going back if your children were younger, but it makes no sense now. Concentrate on building adult relationships with your children. I don't think going back will solve anything in the long run - you love someone else and that will always be an issue.

I agree it would be pointless to return now. You don't love him and everyone knows it, it would be an absolute sham, misery for everyone involved.

Songbird, for me a one night stand and a 5yr affair would equate to the same thing; the end of my marriage. I may not leave straight away but there would be no going back. The op's DH is the one who took the step to break his marriage vows. He is the one who brought heartache and shame, not her. The op left her husband. Her adult dcs just happened to still live at home.