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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This wasn't how it was supposed to be.........

43 replies

cowardlynamechange · 30/12/2006 23:02

.

OP posts:
colditz · 30/12/2006 23:03

what's happened?

collision · 30/12/2006 23:04

You OK?

CaptainFlameSparrow · 30/12/2006 23:13
Sad
tortoise · 30/12/2006 23:16

Whats wrong?

SantasFattymumma · 30/12/2006 23:17

???

QuootiepieTheNewYearsAss · 30/12/2006 23:17

What's up? You OK?

expatinscotland · 30/12/2006 23:18

Um, okay.

I'm back to writing crap romance fiction.

How's it supposed to be?

Tell me.

B/c, tbh, I sell this shit to get myself the fuck outta this shit, but I don't believe a bean of it.

SherlockLGJ · 30/12/2006 23:18

Please tell us what the problem is, we can not begin to help until you do.

QuootiepieTheNewYearsAss · 30/12/2006 23:22

Come on - talk to us. We're all here to listen x You don't have to say who you are... xXx

CaptainFlameSparrow · 30/12/2006 23:25
SantasFattymumma · 30/12/2006 23:27

bigger hijack - really Expat? how did youget into that? i reckon i could manage some romantic fiction....i could rival mills and boon surely. is it ia good earner?

But more importantly CNC - what is wrong? come one you have got us all worried now

DeckthehallsLaDiDaDi · 30/12/2006 23:29

What's going on?

Expat, are you cowardlynamechange?

Puzzled.

cowardlynamechange · 30/12/2006 23:40

just had to test the name change, not that I'm well known or anything but all the same.
I don't really know why I'm sitting here writing this but am hoping that in doing so It make help me feel better. I could write a long post about DH and I at the moment - things aren't going great, he is suffering with depression, we are new parents to a 4 month old who is the best thing that happened and I am feeling so so sad. Brief history is that despite us both having childhood issues (his mum had him very young and left him when he was 12 and his dad is a big time gambler and lost their home, after his dad met new woman and moved in and she took a dislike to DH he moved back into reposessed house on his own at 14 still makes me sad to picture that) my issue is my real father - won't go into that now, but basically I suffered with depression/OCD on and off - anyay to get back on track. DH and I have been together 10 years and through that he has been my rock and has adored me, and I adore him. A few years ago I suffered the sudden and tragic loss of someone very close to me and it sent me into my worst depression - in a way going so far down was the best thing that happened to me because for the first time I couldn't struggle on in a haze and had to admit I needed help - which I got - AD's and therapy, it was both of these that made me face my demons and after a year of treatment I felt (and still feel) like the shit is my life is gone forever and I feel able to enjoy life like other people do - this is where the it wasn't supposed to be like this part comes in.....Due to his background DH was brought up by his grandparents and I called to tell DH I was PG when he was sat next to his beloved grandfather who had just died after a long illness (his grandad was his world parent wise) F*k knows what possessed me to call him then as I knew he was with the body but I must of been in a just found out I'm PG daze (we had been trying) basically - he felt guilty for feeling pleased and had to admit to himself that he wasn't ready to be a dad (told me later that he loved me too much to admit he had doubts) to cut a long story short (which I know I haven't, I've rambled and if anyone is still reading this I appreciate it so much) I spent the majority of my pregnancy alone emotionally - he withdrew big time and although he is consumed with love for our little one - thank God - I feared that he wouldn't ever feel ok about it - he still admits that he is not happy about life in general....so I'm left resentful that he never told me he wasn't ready, he abandoned me emotionally in my pregnancy and now I am racked with guilt that I am going to do the one thing that stopped me having children for years and that is Fk up my daughter like her mum and dad were F*ked up and the thought of doing that to the most amazing love of my life rips my heart out, she is innocent and doesn't deserve this - it wasn't supposed to be like this, we were happy once, really happy and now we are like strangers unless it concerns DD and then we come together in a union of guilt, I'm crying writing this because I don't want to screw her up but we can't go on like we are - I feel I make him unhappy, he doesn't look at me like he used to, I feel the love has gone and the hardest thing is everyone sees his good job and our nice home and tells us how lucky we are and how good our life is and they haven't a clue I go to bed next to my DH lonely and so sad every night and I can't admit to anyone how bad it's got. He will only say he's never felt so low and knows he has everything that should make him happy but he just feels like he is under the biggest blackest cloud.....I am so sorry I've gone on so much and I know no one can wave a magic wand, but, just writing this and sending it into cyber space knowing that someone may understand helps so much.

OP posts:
cowardlynamechange · 30/12/2006 23:41

so sorry - this isn't expat - now I feel really bad - didn't have a clue I was using a name someone else uses...oh shit

OP posts:
MyTwoCupsOfKindness · 30/12/2006 23:44

you're not. nobody can share names and i really think thats not something you should bother yourself worrrying about anyway!

i dont have any words of wisdom for you, im so sorry, but i felt so bad for you i just wanted to say, well, i dont know what to say, but hi and youre not alone. xxxxxxxxx

Crystaltips · 30/12/2006 23:45

relax - I don't think you can use a name already used ...

Are you OK

kid · 30/12/2006 23:47

Sorry you are feeling that way, maybe you need to focus on one problem at a time. It sounds like you are stressed with the whole situation so maybe putting things into perspective and tackle the problems one at a time might make you feel more in control.

kid · 30/12/2006 23:48

I think the confusion over the name change came from Expats Sat 30-Dec-06 23:18:12 post.

cowardlynamechange · 30/12/2006 23:48

Just sitting feeling weird - even admitting on MN how I'm feeling is hard, silly I know, I just had to vent somewhere - I'm hoping it will help me in RL - thank you so much for the concern all, truly

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/12/2006 23:49

nope, i'm not cowardly, b/c i'm not a namechanger.

now i'm going to go back and read this thread.

cowardlynamechange · 30/12/2006 23:52

Thanks kid - maybe there are lot's of issues to address, my problem is I only see one - DH's family doesn't make him happy - he says he has spent so much of his life making others happy (he is that kinda person) and now he feels he can't do it anymore and although he loves DD and I he doesn't understand himself why he feels so low.
Finally convinced him to make appointment with GP - but maybe again he's just doing what I want.......

OP posts:
SantasFattymumma · 30/12/2006 23:53

hun i think you are both having concerns over parenthood. you haev both had bad experiances and your terrified that you wont be good enough for you DD.

you need to remember that you have something to offer your parents didnt...complete and unconditional love.
that is enough to make you great parents in itself.

I do think you should speak to your Dh about getting some family therapy. you both need to talk through your feelings together about how life is at the moment but you also need independant help for your troubled history.

christmascarol3 · 30/12/2006 23:56

[[[hug]]] just going through ton of crap. so can sympathise on alot of what you ve said.
Something thats helped me in turms of screwing up the kids, is knowing that although parents seperating is awful for them growing up in an unhappy home with unhappy parents is worse.
And also when everythings getting to much, I think to myself whats the worse that can happen? having nearly lost dd2 over summer nothing could ever be as bad as that so even if i end up living in a cavervan with no one apart from my kids at least i will have them and thay will have a happy mummy.

colditz · 30/12/2006 23:57

I hve red it. I understnd how you feel, and I understand the guilt you are feeling, because I used to peer into ds1's cot and weep that such a perfect and helpless child had had foisted upon him two such worthless shits as dp and I as parents.

Sometimes I could weep for the world now, and I have had another baby since then.

But just because you feel like a bad mother, doesn't make you one. I am pretty sure you aren't, or you wouldn't be wasting your time telling people how awful you are.

Dp was not ready for a baby, despite him insisting that he was. But, he got ready. He had to, because the baby was right there, and inescapable.

You have both suffered one HELL of a shock - you had a baby. It rocks your world like nothing else. It sounds like you are BOTH suffering PND, and given the amount of stress in your lives, I wouldn't be surprised.

Have you considered relate? I thought it was something only poncy people go to, but my NHS counceller gib=ves dp and I some relationship councelling, and it is fantastic - and this from a woman who - this time last year- was on here raving about how she was going to kill her partner if he spent one more penny.

You will feel like a better parent when you baby girl is older. You don't get a lot back from kids until they hit the so-called terrible twos. but I found it was that age that came spontanious cuddles and shrieks of laughter that make you feel you can't be that bad.

Stick around Mumsnet, because there are people who do feel or have felt very much as you do now, and I know it does pass.

I would suggest going to see your GP, asking for antidepressants, (your dp too!) asking for some councelling, and don't make any major family decisions until your baby is 1, because everything is so much clearer when you aren't in that horrific postnatal haze.

cowardlynamechange · 30/12/2006 23:57

Thanks santas I usually do try and break up posts to make them easy to read but I was rambling sorry If I gave everyone eye/headache

OP posts: