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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This wasn't how it was supposed to be.........

43 replies

cowardlynamechange · 30/12/2006 23:02

OP posts:

kid · 31/12/2006 00:00

Well at least he has agreed to see a Dr. Once he gets there, he will have to talk to the Dr about how he feels and then he may begin to understand why he feels the way he does.

Agree that some family therapy would help and also the knowledge that your DD doesn't have to have the same childhood you both had.

colditz · 31/12/2006 00:02

Stop saying sorry! You don't ave to be sorry, relax, God you remind me so much of myself 3 years ago. I'm not a dreadful parent, but when ds1 was 4 months old, I was convinced SS would take him away if they found out what a screw up I was. They didn't, btw!

It's not the parents who tear themselves to shreds worrying who end up screwing their kids up, nyway.

Original poster

cowardlynamechange · 31/12/2006 00:04

I can't tell you how it helps to read your posts, seriously, to know I'm not alone in fearing that this innocent baby is going to pay for our shit - I get so paranoid when people tell me they are like sponges who even soak up the most subtle of emotions so I think "great - so although we don't row you can probably sense the cold emotional void that are your parents at the moment"
Your advice about counselling is good and I have thought about that - would we have to bring DD??? (no one local to look after her) and carol - glad your DD2 is ok x

OP posts:

CaptainFlameSparrow · 31/12/2006 00:07

I think there is far too much empahsis on what babies absorb - she is absorbing that you and your DH adore her, that's all

colditz · 31/12/2006 00:08

I was an emotional wreck throughout both pregnancies, and for the first year of ds1's life.

Ds1 is as well balanced as a bloody gyroscope. His two year old tantrums used to last seconds. Yes, they do pick up on atmosphere, but personally, I doubt they care. Ds1 certainly didn't.

Babies tell you when they are unhappy, they scream continually, until you do something to change that state of being for them. They are not subtle creatures!

Original poster

cowardlynamechange · 31/12/2006 00:08

colditz - so good to read your posts (not good that you felt the same at one point obviously but good in a way I know by what you write that you get it) and I'm aware I keep apologising - and I have always been confident and assured but now am offically verging on gibbering wreck (well not quite there yet but you get my drift)

OP posts:

SantasFattymumma · 31/12/2006 00:10

i think that at her age it would be more for you and your partner but if you couldnt find anyone to watch her im sure she wouldnt be too bg a problem to bring along.

I know your worried that your DH is only going to teh Gp for you but however he gets there at least he is getting there iyswim.

could you find a babysitter for a night? maybe a night alone just the two of you would help, you could discuss openly all your feelings and try and work through all your worries.

colditz · 31/12/2006 00:10

Here's a shameful little nugget from my life that may neverthe less make you feel better.

had a screaming row with dp when ds1 was 6 months old. I ended up sobbing hysterically.

Ds1 laughed at me. Then he tried to eat my hair. He wasn't bothered t ll.

5 minutes late for a feed resulted in heebiejeebies though, so it wasn't as if he was always placid!

CaptainFlameSparrow · 31/12/2006 00:10

Babies have a habit of turning the most confident woman into a gibbering wreck

colditz · 31/12/2006 00:11

sorry, my 'A' doesn't always work

vitomum · 31/12/2006 00:14

living with someone with depression is incredibly draining and hard and it is so unfortunate that he has this at the very time that you need him most. Having a new baby is hard and a lot to come to terms with, the first year is still pretty much a blur for me. You're right to get him to go to the GP. He does need help from professional and when he gets this he will be in a better place to support you too. It can get better x

colditz · 31/12/2006 00:15

I am going to bed now, but will catch up on this tyhread in the AM. Night all

Original poster

cowardlynamechange · 31/12/2006 00:15

Thanks captain and colditz - feeling better already - just have to think positive - DD is loved big time - is content and happy (most of the time) and hopefully DH will see GP and address his own personal issues as well as us addressing ours as a couple.

I think I feel a lot of resentment that he let me fall PG before telling me he didn't feel ready and pulled away from me throughout the 9 months only coming around when DD arrived (which don't get me wrong I am so thankful for, I was worried he wouldn't) and now he doesn't understand why I can't accept his depression like he dealt with mine over the years - he doesn't understand it's not his depression I can't deal with - it's the fact he doesn't seem to want to make it right.

OP posts:

Original poster

cowardlynamechange · 31/12/2006 00:20

the night to talk sounds good santas - we live 60 miles from family though and don't know anyone local as of yet really that could babysit....and colditz, captain and vitomum your words help more than you know...am going to try and get some sleep now - thank you all so much.
x

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 31/12/2006 14:02

It's not that he doesn't want to, it's that he doesn't know how to. Men aren't so good at looking for help. He feels as helpless and guilt-ridden as you do right now. This is when you both need each other's support the most. I doubt very much whether either of you would be happier apart than you are together.

colditz · 31/12/2006 14:24

How are you feeling today?

Original poster

cowardlynamechange · 31/12/2006 14:46

Not bad thanks - just logged on to thank everyone again for helping me to feel better last night - will hopefully feel even better later in the week when DH has been to GP, have felt lots more positive today that DD is doing just fine and we are not screwing her up for her future, I think that is what has made me feel so much better, knowing that nobody is perfect and as long as we love her and protect her the best we can, shit will happen (that's life) and she will still be ok....seriously Colditz you have helped tons - hopefully in a few weeks we will have made positive steps towards getting back on track and DH will be getting the help he needs, I just need to stay strong - happy new year all - let's hope it is
x

OP posts:

DeckthehallsLaDiDaDi · 31/12/2006 15:27

Sorry if I caused confusion last night but I got thrown by expat's post of 23:18.

cnc, I really hope that you and your dp can see an understanding gp soon. I think it's really not uncommon for people to think that they are ready for a baby and then when the bfp comes suddenly feel terrified and overwhelmed.

It can be really difficult when you feel that everyone expects you to be happy and you feel empty and sad, this time of year is probably exacerbating things.

Your relationship and your dh's state of mind will improve with time and help.

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