Why is introducing a man to your children seen as a 'big deal'?

[GeordieBadger]

Background info: I share custody of my two children (boy and girl, 4 and 5 years old). I've got a longterm boyfriend, he's not met them yet.

I'm not here to discuss my situation per se, but rather to discuss the topic of introducing your kids to a bloke.

Why is this seen as such a big deal? I introduce my children to my female friends all the time (some of them become long-term friends, some don't). Yet when it comes to romantic partners, or even platonic male friends, I've observed women being judged for introducing men too soon. Or for introducing men that aren't likely to stick around.

Assuming the children have an active father, why is introducing other men to them seen as controversial? I know numerous lovely blokes I'd be tempted to introduce to the kids but wonder if there's something potentially damaging to the kids that I'm not seeing? I obviously wouldn't take risks with their welfare.

I welcome all thoughts, comments, snipes.

I don't believe in the whole six month minimum thing that is often bandied about but I do think that using the introduction of children as a way to 'prove' a relationship is akin to the idiocy of thinking a baby will save a marriage.

It is very much against your children's best interests to use them to force a commitment phobe BF to decide one way or the other.

In short it's the reasons for the introduction that matter most.

Yes twitter I agree

I have no problem with fuck-buddies, just don't introduce them to your young DC. What is the point?

Well presumably to pretend to yourself that a guy that is not really that into you is a part of your family. That your relationship with him is 'moving forward' because he has 'met your children' or because you hope he'll commit or that he'll run away at the realisation of DC.

Problem is what normally happens with these flaky men is they don't care about hurting the children, don't realise that it is a test, carry on screwing you around, screw your DC around too and then you feel less able to dump them because you don't want to upset your kids.

Basic rule in this case - if you know he isn't providing for your needs FGS don't introduce him to your kids...

Chocolatteaddict1 I needed your straight talking. And I need more of it.

1. I've met his parents (and slept in their house), brother, best friends - although it took ages and some nagging.
2. We see each other 3 days a week. He sleeps over each time. (I've slept at his but prefer mine).
3. My sex drive is bigger than his.
4. We don't just have sex, and indeed he'll still spend time with me when no sex is on the cards (because menstruation).
5. Valentines, birthdays, the usual, are celebrated as 'a couple'.

Why am I listing this? Because I'd like to know, what you think he's doing? This list goes beyond fuck buddy. Of course, I have reservations about this relationship. I asked him to move in, he said no cause he likes his space (we both work from home).

If it's relevant, he's an epic introvert and I had to seduce him. This relationship was deffo initiated by me.

Well if you asked him to move in with your children (I presume they live with you at least part time) then no wonder you can't see the big deal about him meeting them!

I'm afraid like others have said, your current arrangement suits him just fine. He wants a live out girlfriend with her own family and life, into which he drops occasionally. He doesn't want a live in, shared lives relationship. I'm not saying he's in the wrong - he isn't, and he hasn't exactly strung you along has he, sounds like he's been pretty honest.

You're trying to force the issue and use your children as the test, the shit-or-get-off-the-pot moment for this relationship, as you clearly want more out of it than he does. Sadly I think you probably just need to grow some balls and give him the ultimatum himself rather than just hoping sight of your children will do the job for you. Sorry to be harsh. You sound like a nice person who's just a bit blind about your situation. You ask "what does he want? What's he doing?" like he's got some kind of masterplan. Pretty sure like most mysteries the answer is very mundane and amounts to "He wants what he's already got with you to carry on, without change, progress or more being asked of him."

My sister introduced kids to her now live-in partner fairly early. The reason was that her ex literally won't commit to taking his daughters (MH issues) and she has little local support or money, so I just don't see how she could have ever spent time with him otherwise and got to the committed relationship she's now in.

I obviously get the rationale for waiting, but my sister was already doing a heroically unfair amount of the childcare and also work to support her daughters in the evening. She can't be alone, surely?

So there's something about this advice that makes me feel as though it layers the guilt onto women already under immense pressure (I know it gets applied to men too, but quite honestly as the typically non resident parent they have a lot more chance to let a relationship develop away from kids)

Do you realise the emotional impact of introducing mutliple partners through a childs childhood? They learn from what the observe. Its not right having several partners meeting and getting involved. If your 100% sure of your relationship then yet but as you have doubts i wouldnt advise it. Your DC aren't a test to see what will happen with the relationship

Yes crazyhead. I agree.

And introducing one boyfriend after 13 months does not equal "woman after woman after woman".

People are too black & white about this. Not to mention full of judgement.

Yes crazyhead I am in a similar situation. X no help. Once, years ago, I was spotted in a hotel by a common gossip of a woman who assumed that being in a hotel near my home town I must be shagging a married man and she told her niece who knows people I know and bingo, one lovely rumour about me spread around. So I learnt from that. No creeping around. Everything seems worse and more complicated.

Sunshine not sure who your advice is aimed at there. But, like many others on the thread moving at a slow pace (!) my own children have met a grand total of one bf in over 8 years. Now they're older they will be able to accept the occasional boyfriend as a normal part of life. Because it is. I certainly hope. And I will accept their boyfriends/girlfriends without making them feel watched/judged/foolish

crazyhead

Do you know who is always down there with women at the bottom of the pile, on every measure of wealth, health, options and wellbeing ?

Children.

The people with the fewest options, the least amount of choice, the least power and the least autonomy.

A context that is unfair to women is not resolved by shunting the pressure, guilt and and fall out from one vulnerable group onto an even more vulnerable group.

If we want to address the inequalities with regards to men sitting pretty while the female and the small get the shitty end of the stick, we need to work on making men stepping up. Giving kids an extra helping of shit on top of what they already get, in the name of making things fairer for women, is no solution at all.

No, introducing one boyfriend after 13 months is not the same as 'a string of men' and yes being a single parent of children who don't see their other parent makes things radically different but this is not the OP's situation.

She says he is a commitment phobe who doesn't want to live with her. She says one of the reasons for introducing him is to test his commitment.

Well, he's been clear. He wants to date her, he doesn't want to be a family.

You don't use your kids as a tool to test a relationship you aren't sure of.

You introduce your kids either because you are sure or you don't have an option if you are going to have a life.

Introducing them in these circumstances is not advisable IMO. Not for her, him or the DC.

OP if you want a more committed relationship with him than you have had up to now with him then I think you need to address this with him directly and end it if it isn't forthcoming. Don't use your kids to test him/try and force his hand.

There are so many holes in that view.

My children weren't ''vulnerable'' to setting eyes on a man here. My daughter was kind of exciting and interested that finally I was going out with somebody. My son didn't really think anything. Vulnerable to WHAT?! Something dangerous?! A polite middle-aged man with children of his own!? oooooooh, the RISK!

I think the relevant point is that children who are used by adults as tools to manipulate another person are quite vulnerable.

Whether that's a NRP wanting to play happy families from day 1 with an OW/OM, controlling an ex through contact or introducing DC to a flake in the hope that it forces them to step up the commitment it's not a great plan.

If you are introducing DC because you are happy with a person and the relationship is progressing so that they are becoming part of your family or because you are a 100% lone parent who has no real option but to have DC involved in some way that's a different matter really.

My partner and I met each others children fairly quickly but we discussed that we felt it was serious and we just wanted to see if the dynamic would work with our respective children in the mix otherwise there would be little point to our being together.

Sure, iPost, but people have to make pragmatic choices within real contexts, not ideal ones. Having a bf - something for herself - allowed my sister to generally cope better and be a better mother in a period when everything was very hard, including us losing a parent. Realistically, it would have been near impossible if they weren't introduced relatively early.

Obviously she, and the majority of people, do their best as a parent but to some extent weigh up their own needs with their children's needs. For most people that doesn't mean introducing a string of one night stands.

Perhaps you are someone whose standards and choices would never vary despite difficult circs. But you are in a minority.

Hmmm, I'm with iPost but I'm not sure that I managed to get the right balance. I was so shattered when ex H left - and he is in a different country and has never spent any time with DD - that with working full time and having DD, I wouldn't literally have had the time or opportunity to start a relationship and did not even consider it for 11 years. My sister (matrimonial litigation lawyer) once said to me that children have rights; parents have duties and obligations - I probably took this too literally. I can see the view "this teaches DC about relationships" but it wouldn't have been for me. Still - to each their own.

Yes, Crazyhead, I had a spring in my step when I was with that guy. I'm ok now without him, but I was slightly happier with him and the kids enjoyed that and noticed that I'm sure. For 8 and a half years I brought nobody home to meet my children so I certainly respected their rights. If any married woman tried to tell me that she and or her husband had never ever subjected their children to something the children might (might) have preferred not to see I wouldn't believe it.

Well if you asked him to move in with your children (I presume they live with you at least part time)

No. I am the non-custodial parent. I only have them one night a week. Atypical for a woman, I know, but it works for us.

I'm afraid like others have said, your current arrangement suits him just fine. He wants a live out girlfriend with her own family and life, into which he drops occasionally.

That is looking to be very true. I cannot understand it but I'm beginning to accept it. It's not what I want though. I should find someone else. I know this, but... pathetic Disney moment... I adore him. I tried to split up when he wouldn't move in, but like the pathetic twat I am, I nearly had a breakdown and missed him so much. I ended up turning to drink, I found the breakup so traumatic. So we got back together. I realise I now either live on his terms or I bail.

Sorry to be harsh.

No, don't apologise. I needed this. I am a mother and I need to grow up.

I've gotten more sense from you than I have ever from him. You seem to understand the dynamics of my situation very well. Have you been in a similar situation yourself?

You don't use your kids as a tool to test a relationship you aren't sure of.

I am starting to agree. I've spent all night thinking about this and I feel ashamed that my motivations for the meeting were not the best. I am so relieved I made this thread. It has helped me to make a better decision than the one I was going to make. Now to explain to him why I'm calling it off... that might be tricky.

I've not been in that exact situation but I'm currently seeing a friend through a very similar thing. She thinks his motivations are mysterious too, but I think he just likes to hide in his room a lot and would be terrified at the thought of living with a real adult woman.

Sorry you found your breakup so hard before. Is there any way you could get some better support in place for you (like booking a holiday immediately after, or sorting friends to visit, or starting a course) for next time you give him an ultimatum?