Why is introducing a man to your children seen as a 'big deal'?

[GeordieBadger]

Background info: I share custody of my two children (boy and girl, 4 and 5 years old). I've got a longterm boyfriend, he's not met them yet.

I'm not here to discuss my situation per se, but rather to discuss the topic of introducing your kids to a bloke.

Why is this seen as such a big deal? I introduce my children to my female friends all the time (some of them become long-term friends, some don't). Yet when it comes to romantic partners, or even platonic male friends, I've observed women being judged for introducing men too soon. Or for introducing men that aren't likely to stick around.

Assuming the children have an active father, why is introducing other men to them seen as controversial? I know numerous lovely blokes I'd be tempted to introduce to the kids but wonder if there's something potentially damaging to the kids that I'm not seeing? I obviously wouldn't take risks with their welfare.

I welcome all thoughts, comments, snipes.

"imagine them bonding with another father figure"

I find this ridiculous too! I wouldn't expect a man I was dating to take on this role. I wouldn't want him to either. As an entirely separate issue really they have a father and don't need a father figure! Their mother would love a boyfriend though

Thanks Geordiebadger

When I split with my plumber boyfriend, I just told my daughter "he's lovely, we had a good time together. But we only had a few things in common, and even though we liked each other a lot - it didn't feel like love, and you need love to make it work for a long time"

She totally gets that.

I'd never introduce a boyfriend as a friend. Older kids definitely pick up on it, and if the friend makes the transition to being introduced as a boyfriend, I don't want my daughter wondering about every male friend she sees me with!

It's a big deal because it can make children feel very uncomfortable. But that's not to say the big deal is a bad thing. It's all about timing and recognising your children's needs.

Children need to see the addition of someone new as a positive addition, not as someone who is detracting time/attention away from them. I've always tried to explain love as something that grows to include others, rather than adding someone new means a little less love left for those already in existence. DC shouldn't feel new partners are competition to their existing parents, only a bonus.

IMO the new person should also be kept on the fringes in a fun capacity for a while too, until they have earned the right to affect the family dynamic - e.g. no intimate moments such as staying over in mum's bed/bathing/putting them to bed until the relationship is definitely going somewhere and you're thinking that moving in is a realistic step.

It was more than 18 months before my DP read a bedtime story to my DC, although he had been in the house playing games with them etc long before that. Years later he is as actively involved in their parenting as I am, but it was deliberately a slow process (for him as well as the DC as he had no DC of his own). I think we got it right as we don't have many of the problems you sometimes hear about with step-families.

Okay, okay, I'll come clean. I've been dating my boyfriend for 13 months and I'm not sure if he's "a keeper". He seems to be a commitmentphobe, likes his own space, whatevs. So I've waited this long, but I've schedued an introduction at the weekend. My reasons:

1. My kids are awesome little humans. I'm proud of them. I want him to see how awesome they are, not just take my word for it.
2. I think they will 'get on'. By this I mean, their personalities are very similar and I think they will have fun on the occasions they spend together (and it would just be on random occasions).
3. I currently feel as though I'm living two separate disjointed lives and it feels uneasy and fake. Like I've created artificial life compartments.
4. Maybe after meeting them, BF will freak out and decide he can't handle it (the DC have just been a sort of 'fable', two people I talk about, until now). The reality may hit him hard. If this occurs, then good riddance. Alternatively, he may feel more integrated in my life and the relationship will grow further. Either way, I feel he's not seeing the real me so he can't make a decision (and dating is about deciding if you want to be with a person, right?)

To make myself crystal clear: If I was not certain on #2, I would not be planning the introduction.

Totally get what you mean about point 3. This is a big problem for me at the moment. Am having problems 'integrating' it all.

Good luck for your meet!

Your not sure he is a keeper?

Then why be with him at all never mind making him part of your kids life.

You should have let him go when you realised he wasn't in to a committed relationship. What is he waiting for? Some one that he really likes or thinks it is worth getting in to commitment for?

Sheeesh!

4 is exactly where it unravelled with the man I was seeing so I'm glad I didn't leave it the full six months as recommended!

But you're taking about a 13 month relationship! I have some kids in my family wise whose resident parent has introduced 3 partners in that time & discussed a couple more.

I feel so sad for the kids.

So shall I simply introduce him by his first name? No label attached.

Then why be with him at all never mind making him part of your kids life.

That seems like a strange question. It takes a while to figure out if someone is a keeper. Part of that process is sharing the 'natural you', which is what I'm doing here.

What is he waiting for?

Can you elaborate?

I feel so sad for the kids.

Which kids and why do you feel sad?

He's a commitment-phobe and likes his own space... and you've been dating for 13 months... and now you're introducing him to your 2 young DCs.....

Engage brain cells OP.

Has he actually asked to meet your children? What happens next? Do you both tick the box and carry on as before? IMO you should only introduce him if he wants to create a joint life. I suspect he just wants a shag-buddy.

Has he actually asked to meet your children?

I suggested it.

We started off as "shag buddies" but he said he wanted to go formal, so we did.

If he was a 'keeper' you would know waaay before the 13 month mark. You both should be showing an intrest in moving the relasionship forward in to something solid.

It seems like he is waiting for something else.

Op I think you still are shag buddies. The 'formal' request was probally to make sure you wasn't shagging anyone else.

He isn't intrested in meeting the two most important people in your life as he isn't intrested in them.

Twitterqueen is right.

And your life SHOULD be in separate compartments. If that feels uncomfortable, well, those are the breaks. When you have kids, your love life and personal satisfaction must take the back burner.

Re-read the OP above who said that her mother bringing boyfriends around made her feel massively insecure. You've really provided no compelling reason this has to happen now other than you "want" it to, to make your own life easier. Trust us, your commitment phobe is not suddenly going to decide he wants to be step-daddy of the year to his girlfriend's kids.

If you've been dating over a year it means you already were broken up and ready to date when your youngest child was only three years old. That doesn't suggest a lot of restraint or good judgement. MUST you have a man in your life at all times? The kids are so young - why not just focus on them for a few years and helping them with the after-effects of their parents' break-up?

lea that's really unfair. Everybody is entitled to a life.

What you're doing is fine OP. I think you should be honest and say it's the man mummy's dating. Kids aren't stupid. I wouldn't be moving in or having him stay the night if I wasn't 'sure' but at the end of the day there's only so 'sure' you can be. From what you've written he doesn't sound like a keeper tbh but I hardly think a meeting here or there is a big deal is it?

That's ridiculous Lea!

Cabrinha

Keeper in the sense it isn't going to go from fireworks to damp squib over the course of a few months.

People don't come with "guaranteed life long partner" stamped on their arse. But most of us have been around the block enough times to know that not every prospect has any chance of being a long term thing, once the first fizz dies down.

Children with parents who have split often have the need for adjustment thrust upon them. Like it or lump it. Down the line there is the strong possibility of more adjustment being thrust upon them, like it or lump it, as their parents form long term, new realtionships. Potentially live in relationships. That may include new children, related and not, coming into their lives.

The very least anybody can do is comprehend that rather a lot of adjustment being part of your life can be very hard going. And to keep it to the minimum possible, in the name of not accidentally asking too much from those with the fewest coping strategies and the least say in any of the choices being made.

There is also the reality that along with a lack of "guaranteed life long partnerhood" arse stamps, there are no "safe around children" + "not prone to unpredictable behaviours when taken out of comfort zone" + "no risk of skeletons hurling selves out of closet" stickers on your average human either

It can take time to sort just the more obviously unsavoury ones out from the potentially OK ones. It does kids a favour if some kind of extensive filtering process takes place well before the children are brought into the picture. Filtering takes time. Especially if you are motivated to catch and examine the finer particles of "who this person really is when push comes to shove" well before your children get exposed to them.

What does it actually cost a parent to take their time ? The OP says "discomfort". That is hardly a terrible price to pay when compared to what it can potentially cost the kids if one does not act with cautious patience.

OP
Set aside your discomfort for a minute, and ask yourself the question of him meeting your children from another perspective.

What would your children gain from being introduced to a man who is somewhat ambivalent about being with their mother ?

What will they learn about relationships by being brought into the viewing gallery and observing you in this one ?

I also think what you're doing is fine OP.

I agree with Cabrinha, and think that what Lea says is rubbish.

Sometimes, you don't know if someone you have grown to love on adult terms is a "keeper" UNTIL you see them with your DCs, and how they interact.

I actually think that if you keep a boyfriend secret, and only introduce them when you're "sure", you are presenting DCs with a fait accompli that can be a complete shock. How does it look to them? Mine would realise I'd been hiding the man from them, and want to know why I'd done that. Far better, IMO, to allow all of the relationships to develop naturally.

That's so true.

The truth that I have to protect my children from is that their father is the most selfish man alive.

I've only had three bfs since my x (two of them, my Children knew nothing about) but all three were better people

Brilliant, iPost, particularly this: "The very least anybody can do is comprehend that rather a lot of adjustment being part of your life can be very hard going. And to keep it to the minimum possible, in the name of not accidentally asking too much from those with the fewest coping strategies and the least say in any of the choices being made. "

the op has had a BF for 14 months with out introducing him to her children. I would say that is keeping things to a minimum lea

Women can have children and also have a private life which don't impact on one another. Expecting a woman to turn in to a nun just because she has children is unrealistic, judgmental and unfair.

I think the worrying thing about this is you are using your children as a sort of test for your boyfriend. A sort of "make or break" challenge. What if they DO really get on, and they are excited to meet him and think he's mum's boyfriend or whatever? And he fails the test (which you obviously fear he will hence "commitmentphobe" comments etc) and never wants to see them again?

Not going to preach about it but I do think you should only introduce him when you're reasonably confident in the relationship, so that if they do get on well (as you think they will) it's less likely he'll be whisked away.

I think we're moving away from the central issue, which is that it's fine to introduce a willing, new partner or potential partner into a family dynamic that that partner wants to join.

But it's crystal clear that this man is neither of these. So IMO it would extremely unfair to bring a formal fuck-buddy into the equation, which would really, really not be at all fair to them. Or to any other children in similar circumstances.

I have no problem with fuck-buddies, just don't introduce them to your young DC. What is the point?