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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold please, this will get nasty

81 replies

jayho · 21/02/2016 18:38

My son told me his father physically assaulted him during contact. He doesn't want to go back 'for a while'.

Ex is EA, FA, extremely manipulative.

I've contacted social services and reported. They are going to risk assess, I think, and get back to me.

Ex is going to go bonkers.

One question, contact was court ordered several years ago, do these orders, like financial orders lapse?

OP posts:
Original poster
jayho · 21/02/2016 23:15

thank you, so scared about what this will bring but I know i'm on the right path

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MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 21/02/2016 23:31

For me, the 'exclusion from the family' for two days is even worse than the physical abuse. It's just so cold and deliberate. What could an 11 year old possibly do to warrant that cruelty?

I would not want my son to see that man again.

You are doing all the right things to protect your children from this nasty piece of work.

wonkylampshade · 21/02/2016 23:33

Horrible man. Well done op Thanks

Original poster
jayho · 22/02/2016 00:26

can ex enforce visitation/contact/

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AcrossthePond55 · 22/02/2016 00:53

When is he next to see his father? I'd be sure SS and the police know this so steps can be taken to ensure that the child doesn't have to go. There must be some type of emergency order or temporary injunction that can be put in place.

SerafinaScoresby · 22/02/2016 01:02

No advice to give but reeally hoping police and SS will support you in withdrawing contact. Hope your DS is ok Flowers

Original poster
jayho · 22/02/2016 07:18

Morning, I'm hopeful SS/police will at least recommend suspension until this is looked in to.

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bakeoffcake · 22/02/2016 07:22

I hope you hear something today. I'm sure there will be measure they can inforce quickly to ensure your Ds doesn't have to visit.

What your ex did was assault, it will be taken very seriously.

Original poster
jayho · 22/02/2016 16:34

Arrggghhhh!

Had the most awful day. Told school, they've also referred. Too anxious to go to work. Spent most of the day wandering around pointlessly feeling sick. Police are due any time from 5.30, pending anything else getting in the way. Son told his support worker at school what has happened. Just wittering needing to get through the next few hours.

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Sarah715 · 22/02/2016 16:42

Oh that sounds really crap. I am sorry - but very glad to hear the police are taking it seriously.

Brew

Not long now, I hope they are helpful.

Original poster
jayho · 22/02/2016 21:33

So they've been , were great, very supportive, I don't want to say much because it may get taken further. Feel very shaky as will have to cancel contact tomorrow and then it will really kick off.

Thanks for support so far.

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ScoutsMam · 22/02/2016 21:38

You've done so well Jay Flowers

Original poster
jayho · 22/02/2016 22:38

thank you, they've just called back and said no contact until matters resolved so the burden is lifted from me being the big bad canceller iyswim

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mineofuselessinformation · 22/02/2016 23:02

You know you've done the right thing, don't you?
No-one here will flame you for protecting your children.
I know the fear you feel (although mine was fear of emotional abuse, not physical). I totally understand that you are worried he will 'kick off'.
But, remember this: he is on the police's and SS's radar. Anything that he does will go against him. IF it happens (and he knows what the consequences would be I'm sure) call anyone and everyone for help. All he will be doing will be to give you all the more reason to ask that he is not allowed to see his children.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/02/2016 23:52

Oh, I'm so glad they've told you that!

bakeoffcake · 23/02/2016 07:54

So glad they are being supportive. Hope you are all ok.Flowers

wonkylampshade · 23/02/2016 08:03

Great op, at least that side of things is off your plate for now. Your DS must be relieved.

Remember, no matter how badly he stamps his feet today, he treated your son disgustingly - in fact criminally. You're doing what any decent parent would and should do, and protecting your DS.

Original poster
jayho · 26/02/2016 19:16

OK, so I agreed with police to take a softly softly approach with social services mediating to resolve the issue. They've been to see him. He didn't do it, he's concerned about a false allegation being made against him and thinks it best if he just has smallest DS for time being to protect himself.

Even SS thought this was odd. I said I'd have hoped he would be looking at how to resolve matters and mediate reconciliation with his son. But, surprise surprise it's all about him.

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Marchate · 26/02/2016 19:19

Oh dear. At least he's not fooling anyone that he's a great dad now

AcrossthePond55 · 26/02/2016 20:23

I agree, very odd. So basically he told them that your son was lying. Sounds like 'Well, if I can't mistreat my son without him tattling, I don't want to see him'.

Just out of curiosity, does this DS look a lot like you or does he possibly stick up for you if Ex slags you off?

Arcadia · 26/02/2016 20:42

He can apply to enforce the order BUT at the first opportunity you can then raise these issues and there will need to be a full welfare report done - probably by SS - so the court would go through that whole process first before sanctioning you in any way for breaching the order. You're doing the right things (am a family lawyer)

MinnieF1 · 26/02/2016 20:49

If he applies to court to enforce the order, you can file a counter application for an EPO or similar, I think. (To cover both chn, rather than the eldest).

He'd be pretty stupid to make an application to the court when his son has disclosed abuse, so I wouldn't worry too much about him doing it.

Original poster
jayho · 27/02/2016 07:25

Thanks all, I went to bed early, this is so draining.

Yes, very odd, social worker shared his detailed, closely typed, four page account of the night's events. Still, got a lot of time on your hands for creative writing when you don't work.

I think my approach will be that I'm fully supportive of re-building his relationship, what is he going to do to work towards this.

I'm also going to speak to the police as I was offered the option to prosecute, does anyone know if he could be interviewed under caution in these circumstances? And solicitor.

Boy looks like dad btw but is increasingly calling out dad on BS as he gets older which is leading to tension in their relationship.

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ElsieMc · 27/02/2016 08:35

I understand your predicament here. I was continually taken back to court by my gs's father as I hold a residence order.

You absolutely must report this to the police. The problem is if you do not send him for contact, you are in breach of a court order. If you do send him and matters get worse, you are then at fault for not protecting your son.

I don't know your ex's history with regard to court applications, but as you have said he is a malicious complainant, chances are he will take you back for enforcement. However, you will be given opportunity to state why you have been forced into this position to protect the well being of your son. Also at 11 he is old enough to have his say in all of this.

The last time I was taken back for enforcement, contact moved back to supervised only. This was because he was forced to tell the Judge about his arrest for abh and it turned out he also had a court case pending for grievous bodily harm which I didn't even know about. He paid £400 for contact to move to supervised.

Original poster
jayho · 27/02/2016 08:59

Thanks Elsie. I have reported to the police who have told me not to allow contact until the matter is dealt with. I and the police agreed to SS intervention. He denies the incident and his way of dealing with it is to not have contact with elder DS. Younger DS refuses to go without his brother.

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