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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A quick one pls. Do I need to inform ex..

43 replies

myyearmylife · 21/02/2016 17:42

Do I need to inform my ex partner about changing the children's doctors surgery?

We split two years ago, we have no communication and he refuses to be amicable. We have an informal custody agreement. But as I now have the kids more days and most overnights compared to him, I want to change their GP to the same one as mine. For practical reasons.

Do I have to tell him first, will the surgery require permission from him?

OP posts:

Biscetti · 21/02/2016 17:43

Nope.

Original poster

myyearmylife · 21/02/2016 17:44

Thank you.

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 21/02/2016 18:00

Are your dc currently registered at the same surgery your ex attends?

Original poster

myyearmylife · 21/02/2016 18:02

Yes they are. So am I but planned on registering us all at my local one.

OP posts:

secretpoet · 21/02/2016 18:11

i don't think you have to ask his permission but it makes sense to let him know you have changed doctors if the children are spending time with him.

Original poster

myyearmylife · 21/02/2016 21:28

Also, another quickie. Ex and I chose not to give our children the mmr (eldest was born around the time of the big MMR debate) all kids only got as far as having their single measles jabs as money was tight and tbh, ex still took persuading for those (he is anti vaccinations!) Now I'm away from him, I'd like to give my children the MMR triple jab. As I'll be registering them at my new surgery, I'm hoping I can do this.

For context, my ex was controlling and emotionally abusive towards me. I know this is going to cause conflict in a major way. But I have to put my kids health first.

Can I get into trouble legally for going ahead without his consent? I can not reason with him, it's not worth trying.

OP posts:

Original poster

myyearmylife · 21/02/2016 23:00

Anyone?

OP posts:

PrettyBrightFireflies · 21/02/2016 23:08

If he's got PR then legally, he has an equal right to be involved in those decisions.

He could take you to court to decide which practice the DCs are registered.

As for the MMR - if you have the first injection done without him knowing and he subsequently finds out, he'd have a good case for an emergency order to prevent further vaccination until a court decided.

Only you know if he's likely to do that or not.

Original poster

myyearmylife · 21/02/2016 23:24

Arghhh such a nightmare! We both have PR. Never married and our custody is an informal agreement.

So where do I get advice on whether I can switch GPs without his consent. I know for a fact he will say I can't do it. It's not fair though as everything down to our access days have been what he's dictated!

OP posts:

Original poster

myyearmylife · 21/02/2016 23:26

Neither one of us can afford court fees.

OP posts:

TooAswellAlso · 21/02/2016 23:34

I've been a single parent since DS2 was 1.

I have them registered at my doctors with me, and have never ever been asked if both parents consent for health treatment or vaccinations

In fact I'm not sure ExH knows what vacs they have and haven't had

It's a grey area, but if your eldest is of the age where the MMR was questionable they must be teenagers now? In which case they can choose themselves can't they?

Original poster

myyearmylife · 21/02/2016 23:41

One is a teenager. The others are still young.

I know I'll have to tell him (well kids will). But I basically don't want to do anything resulting in legal repercussions. I will have a massive backlash from him for sure- I'm worried about that, but will deal with it. Just don't want to legally implicate myself.

Do you have your kids more than your ex?

OP posts:

Fourormore · 21/02/2016 23:45

Why don't you just change which doctors they are registered with and then tell him? What difference will it make where they are registered? Surely he'll need to know which doctors the children are registered with if they need medical attention while in his care.

You cannot vaccinate without consulting him first.

If you're both on a low income then you could be exempt from court fees.

Original poster

myyearmylife · 21/02/2016 23:50

Yes I plan to just re register then he can find out.

If I ask him about vaccinations and he says no (which he will) how is this resolved? We are not entitled to help with court fees. The doctors have been bending my ear over their vaccinations for so long already. I just feel stuck

OP posts:

PrettyBrightFireflies · 21/02/2016 23:55

If I ask him about vaccinations and he says no (which he will) how is this resolved?

The only way to resolve differences between parents who don't agree is to seek court resolution.
You'd have to mediate, then go to court.

If you chose to vaccinate without his consent, and he subsequently seeks court orders, the impact could be significant in relation to your younger DCs. The court could order that you consult him on far more trivial matters as a result.

germinal · 21/02/2016 23:58

A doctor usually only needs the consent of one adult with parental responsibility. However if the doctor becomes aware of the other parents non consent they may refuse to vaccinate unless a court order is made. I think it is a matter for you. A court order would be a hassle but relatively straightforward (it would be unlikely that a court would side with the father unless he had some evidence specific to your circumstances that vaccinations would not be in your children's best interests. If you vaccinate without his knowledge or consent I don't think there is much he can do. In light of abusive past behaviours, financial circumstances and the prevailing public interest in vaccinating children the court will not be interested in hearing his complaint. IMHO.

Original poster

myyearmylife · 22/02/2016 00:00

What a joke! This is so frustrating. He has block my number, email etc and refuses to speak to me. HE was and is emotionally abusive. Picks and chooses when he wants access to the kids (done through my eldest), gives me no money towards their upbringing. I could go on!

Long story but I've tried family courts and got legal advice. There's nothing I can do. He refuses mediation. If I can't immunise my children without potential backlash -well it just seems so wrong.

OP posts:

germinal · 22/02/2016 00:01

myyearmife if it were my children I would vaccinate without his consent and let him make court applications if he is unhappy. He may never find out and even if he does the court will not be critical of you. He will look ridiculous and petty.

Original poster

myyearmylife · 22/02/2016 00:01

Thank you for all your advice

OP posts:

Original poster

myyearmylife · 22/02/2016 00:03

I think you are right germinal. But feels like a scary step somehow. I guess I'm not going to look unreasonable for protecting my children's health. Especially as he is actively refusing communications with me.

OP posts:

germinal · 22/02/2016 00:03

Al my sympathies are with you. You are behaving completely reasonably. Fuck him. Vaccinate them. What is he going to do? Apply for court orders demanding more consultation? Good luck to him. It won't happen.

germinal · 22/02/2016 00:07

myyearmylife if it gives you comfort I am a lawyer in the children's court. In my experience fathers like your ex are either 1. All talk and would never actually bother going through the cost and hassle of seeking court orders; or 2. Would not be successful in their application to yield greater control.

Fourormore · 22/02/2016 00:07

Really, really poor advice there.

germinal · 22/02/2016 00:10

How so fourormore?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 22/02/2016 00:10

I know it seems wrong, but it is to protect the DCs "rights", not his.

He is their father and they have a right for him to have an equal say in their upbringing as you do, until they are old enough to make decisions for themselves.

It's not easy for the parents, but from the child's perspective, they have a right for to both parents influence over their health, religion and education, not just one parent.

If there is doubt over a parents decision, a court will intervene in order to protect the DC. And if parents don't agree, a court will decide which decision is, in their opinion, better for the DC based on evidence.
But the law protects the rights of DCs to have the influence of both of their parents in their life - no matter what one parents behaviour has been towards the other.

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