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Original poster

A quick one pls. Do I need to inform ex..

43 replies

myyearmylife · 21/02/2016 17:42

Do I need to inform my ex partner about changing the children's doctors surgery?

We split two years ago, we have no communication and he refuses to be amicable. We have an informal custody agreement. But as I now have the kids more days and most overnights compared to him, I want to change their GP to the same one as mine. For practical reasons.

Do I have to tell him first, will the surgery require permission from him?

OP posts:
Original poster
myyearmylife · 22/02/2016 00:10

Thank you so much germinal! 😊

Fourormore, I see where you are coming from but given his past history and general lack of interest in our kids (except when he can use it against me) I'm wondering what court in the land would view me irresponsible and give him more leeway to make decisions about their future etc?

OP posts:
Buttercup443 · 22/02/2016 00:11

Change the surgery to make your life easier and vaccs your dc for God's sake. Don't tell him about it, the abusive twat. Picking and dropping his kids as he please and not supporting the mother of his children. Despicable!!

Fourormore · 22/02/2016 00:15

It reduces you to his level and potentially increases conflict between you which has been shown to be detrimental to children of separated parents.
My ex is an emotionally and financially abusive nobhead. I've never sunk to his level.
Nice to see a family lawyer advocating parents ignoring the law, as well Hmm

Original poster
myyearmylife · 22/02/2016 00:17

Pretty, I see what you are saying, and in theory I agree. But knowing my ex is abusive, can't be bothered to parent the kids when he does have access, makes no attempt to go to parents evenings, appointments and so on, refuses contact with me, refuses any reasonable attempts and pleas from me to mediate, it seems unfair that I can't make a decision that could potential be threatening to my children if I don't act (mmr jabs) without he's approval.

I genuinely can't afford to go through the courts. If I could I would!

OP posts:
Original poster
myyearmylife · 22/02/2016 00:22

Fourormore - for me this isn't a game. Sink to his level? Surely that would mean me not giving a fuck about my children's health? Not making decisions for them that they are to young to have a say in? Or better still, I could sink to his level and block him?

I've done quite the opposite to sinking to his level. I remained dignified despite his awkwardness and despite the level of abuse I still get in front of my kids (he calls me awful names to the kids and tells them things-lies that's no child should ever have to hear about their mother!)

OP posts:
PrettyBrightFireflies · 22/02/2016 00:25

it seems unfair that I can't make a decision that could potential be threatening to my children if I don't act (mmr jabs) without he's approval.

Oh, I agree, in your case it's totally unfair.
But that's the nature of any system designed to benefit the majority - there will be some the system fails.

germinal · 22/02/2016 00:34

No the law is there to protect the best interests of the child. How would the children's best interests be served by dragging this issue through the courts and delaying vaccination? myyearmylife is following medical advice to vaccinate her children. Parental consent would ordinarily be satisfied (from the doctors pov) by mothers consent only. Her ex is abusive and refuses to communicate with her. I am not recommending she ignore the law I am telling her the law would be on her side and, for practical and emotional reasons, she would not be criticised for not taking the matter to court.

germinal · 22/02/2016 00:36

myyearmylife good luck SmileFlowers

PrettyBrightFireflies · 22/02/2016 00:47

I am not recommending she ignore the law I am telling her the law would be on her side

It may well be - after mediation, several court hearings, lost earnings and CAFCASS appointments for the DCs.
The OP wants to avoid the legal ramifications. If her ex takes the matter to court, the court will seek to gather evidence before ruling - and that carries a high psychological price even if the outcome is ultimately in the OPs favour.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/02/2016 00:47

"It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission"

I'd change doctors and vaccinate. He may raise a stink with you but do you think it's really likely he'll go to all the trouble to hire a solicitor? I don't.

germinal · 22/02/2016 01:00

Take her to court for what? Parenting orders that demand she get his written consent for all medical procedures, including routine ones? In circumstances where he has refused vaccination, been emotionally abusive, blocks all communication and uses his daughter as a go between?! Good luck with that!

germinal · 22/02/2016 01:04

prettybrightfireflies the evidence and proceedings required will be the same whoever files the initiating application. If myyearmylife proceeds without his consent she risks the possibility of court proceedings. If she seeks his consent as you advise she is guaranteed them. iyswim

PrettyBrightFireflies · 22/02/2016 01:06

germinal I don't know if you're in the UK of not but here, yes, a parent can apply for an emergency order within 24 hours, stopping all further medical treatment, and then it would be listed for a routine hearing a few weeks later, where the court would order SS and medical reports and possibly a CAFCASS report too, depending on the DCs ages.
At a further hearing, weeks later, they may make a decision, or they may order the OP and her ex attend a separated Parenting course before returning for a final hearing.

It lasts months, is incredibly stressful and costly.

At the end of it, the magistrate or judge may rule that the OP can vaccinate - but at what emotional cost?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 22/02/2016 01:09

Xpost

If she seeks his consent as you advise she is guaranteed them. iyswim

I haven't advised that the OP seeks her exs consent.
I have set out the potential implications of her not securing it.

germinal · 22/02/2016 01:24

But all that would also be true if op initiated court proceedings seeking orders for medical treatment, would it not? (The hearing, the reports etc)? So why would she bring that on herself?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 22/02/2016 01:36

So why would she bring that on herself?

I've not suggested she does.

She has three choices;

  1. seek her exs permission through court

  2. go ahead without his permission

  3. do nothing

  4. guarantees she will face court drama with no guarantee that her DCs will be vaccinated

  5. carries the risk that she will face court drama but her DCs will be vaccinated

  6. eliminates the risk of court drama but her DCs won't be vaccinated.

There is no way for the OP to get what she wants which is guaranteed vaccination with no risk of drama.

germinal · 22/02/2016 01:47

Oh yes. Sorry prettybright we are in furious agreement Grin I misread your post and thought you were suggesting option 1 in the interests of parental involvement. Yes I agree. They are her options. I think option 2 is the best! But it is a matter for op. Good luck myyear FlowersFlowersFlowers

iwantanewcar · 22/02/2016 02:07

As you both have PR he has the right to be consulted on medical matters, but not necessarily to have to give consent. So personally in this case I would change the surgery and casually in writing let him have the contact details, name of doctor etc. So you have communicated that.

Regarding the vaccinations I would talk to the GP informally as to what they recommend, taking into account age and what has been done already. I would then ask the GP to put their recommendation in writing, addressed to both parents and send him a copy, advising him that unless you hear within x period of time you will be following the medical advice, as given. You have informed him and technically consulted even if you haven't gained explicit approval.

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