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Original poster

Scared of the future

53 replies

withaspongeandarustyspanner · 21/02/2016 08:29

I have a few posts on here. Story is, after 12 years of marriage, it looks like DH no longer loves me and wants to leave the marriage.

I am beyond devastated. I don't want this to happen and had no idea he felt this way because he didn't mention it until he'd decided.

He's agreed not to go anywhere or make any decisions just yet as it's so close to a bereavement that I think it's connected. He doesn't.

Anyway, he thinks that this can be handled well and that the children (4 at primary age) will not be damaged. I think he is deluded. I also think he think we'll get on well and remain friends. I know I'll find that hard.

He's talking about living nearby and still parenting by taking them to school and collecting them.

I'm not sure I'm going to want to see him every morning.

I also feel cross that this is happening in my early 40s. We were supposed to be forever - I didn't want to be having to look for a new relationship at this time in my life (when the time comes).

I feel angry and scared.

Please tell me your stories. How old were you? How did it work out?

OP posts:
Original poster
withaspongeandarustyspanner · 23/02/2016 15:47

She does know my husband.

OP posts:
StillDrSethHazlittMD · 23/02/2016 15:50

Why do you see this therapist?

Does he see the same therapist?

ravenmum · 23/02/2016 15:55

My husband's mother died on 31 January and it set something off. By April he was secretly meeting new OW in sex hotels, by August he was telling me he felt differently about me and didn't know when his feelings would return (my variation of the classic "love you but not in love with you"), by December he was secretly telling other people I was a bitch and he wanted to leave, by the next February he was almost admitting it to me, then on 1 May I found out what had been going on. Looking back, even in July he was already treating me like he couldn't give a shit about me.

He'd never acted like this before, never questioned the marriage, always appeared like a nice guy who wouldn't do that kind of thing. But since then I've discovered the character change and suddenly not being behind the marriage are typical of an affair, and that this often happens after a bereavement, when people realise their own mortality and start re-assessing their lives.

So at 44 my life was turned around and I felt scared too. It was horrible for about a year, but it's turned out to be less scary than I expected; revitalising, with new insights into what I want and can do. And it turns out that I was more dissatisfied with my life with my husband than I realised.

Have a look for the "script" or signs of whether someone might be having an affair. Obviously he might not be having one, but it is surprising how many people follow the same route, with exactly the same signs.

Your husband might well be so certain about what he wants because he has had plenty of time to think about it.

Original poster
withaspongeandarustyspanner · 23/02/2016 15:58

Yes, he does - though not in the same capacity.

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ravenmum · 23/02/2016 15:58

If you don't want to see him every morning, don't ... find an arrangement that suits you better, or arrange for the kids to wait for him on the doorstep.

Original poster
withaspongeandarustyspanner · 23/02/2016 16:02

DH is not someone who discusses things that are wrong or annoying him at the time. I generally find out after the event, which makes it a little bit difficult to deal with at the time when it might make a difference, naturally. Some things that have annoyed him I had no idea about or any idea that they were a deal breaker.

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StillDrSethHazlittMD · 23/02/2016 16:07

I didn't think a decent therapist saw both partners from the same couple unless they were undergoing joint counselling together for the same reason and some solo sessions were felt useful. If you both see the same therapist for different reasons then they should not be making any comment on the other person whatsoever.

Original poster
withaspongeandarustyspanner · 23/02/2016 16:11

I don't think it's an affair. I did, but I don't now. It was just something that I had experience of in a previous relationship, which I made 'fit' the behaviour he was exhibiting. She was harsh at times, but fair. She suggested I was playing the victim - which, no doubt, some of you will agree with.

I do think he is having some kind of crisis though - triggered by the death of his brother, but maybe it had been brewing for a while. I know I want to fight to salvage our marriage - I don't know if he does/will. Only time will tell. I only know I have to do what I can and if that doesn't work, I will admit defeat.

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ravenmum · 23/02/2016 16:12

What DrSeth says has been my experience of counselling too. Plus the counsellor doesn't say what she thinks you should do; she just helps you work out what you think you should do.

Some things that have annoyed him I had no idea about or any idea that they were a deal breaker.
Maybe they weren't a deal breaker at the time. My husband also started digging up things from the past to make what he was doing seem more reasonable.

Original poster
withaspongeandarustyspanner · 23/02/2016 16:13

I am able to speak freely about my relationship with my husband to her. He is free to speak about me to her. If she then repeats what I have said to him, or vice versa, then that wouldn't be OK. But that's not what has happened.

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StillDrSethHazlittMD · 23/02/2016 16:14

Raven Quite. Which is why I am leaving this thread before I cry Bollocks again or I might be accused of crying "Under Bridge Dweller"

Original poster
withaspongeandarustyspanner · 23/02/2016 16:15

She agreed that she thought it was too soon to make a life changing decision about him moving out so soon to the bereavement of a close family member.

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Original poster
withaspongeandarustyspanner · 23/02/2016 16:18

Thanks DrSeth - you can call bollocks all you like. You can think I'm a troll all you like.

I'm not. I wanted advice and to hear from other people who have been in similar situations.

Whatever you think, I asked if there was a professional grey area - if she had said there was, I would have gone with another therapist. She said there wasn't a problem and the therapy was different.

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TinklyLittleLaugh · 23/02/2016 16:22

My DH had a big wobbler when his mother died. Decided he didn't think he wanted to be with me any more. Which was great as we had spent the last two years trying to get pregnant and finally succeeded.

It was along time ago; I remember feeling terrified, feeling angry. There was lots of shouting and crying and we muddled through. He fell in love with DS when he was born and has never wavered since.

If I ever bring it up now (and it was 22 years ago, so hasn't been mentioned for about 10 years) he acts like he genuinely can't remember and I shouldn't drag it up and definitely minimises it, saying it was the grief talking.

I remember though.

dilys4trevor · 23/02/2016 16:58

Raven this was exactly my experience too. Turns out he was 'confiding' in loads of our shared colleagues at work about how he didn't want to be with me (nice). I found out after his death from his FB account that he had been openly saying to some other girl entirely (with lots of 'x' and 'I had a great time tonight') he would rather be single 'after ten years with her.'

In reality, he was too gutless to actually leave, even when I asked him to go (many times), sick of his shitty attitude. When I eventually found out (again, he had gotten very sloppy in hiding it) it was all 'I'm so sorry - what have I DONE? How could I do this?' But it was all chat and when I actually asked him to DO stuff, it didn't really materialise. It was all just fear of being alone and cowardice. And embarrassment that his 'nice bloke' persona was about to be rolled in shit. I told every fucking person we knew what he had done too, including his family and our boss.

Original poster
withaspongeandarustyspanner · 24/02/2016 11:02

That sounds horrible, dylis. How long has it been? You may have said upthread, but I can't remember.

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dilys4trevor · 24/02/2016 14:36

Six or seven weeks. This week I have felt much stronger. I would also have said that husband would never have an affair, even though he was being an arse. He had too said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me, not sure it was the 'right' kind of love anymore etc (although then when I said 'cool, go then' he said he hadn't meant it). I only found out there was an affair because someone tipped me off. Then I found out she was probably not even the only one!

My H was a bit different though - I think a lot of his actions with OW(s), given they were with OW at a shared workplace where I was the boss, were specifically about hurting me as he was jealous and resentful about loads of things. Giant Twat.

I'm fine.

Are things the same?

Original poster
withaspongeandarustyspanner · 24/02/2016 15:19

I was in a relationship previously where infidelity was common. I've never felt worried by this with DH before now, though. I felt totally secure and loved. His behaviour changed and I tried to make it fit something I recognised - infidelity. He has said a few things that make me believe him. Not because I want to (it would actually be easier to go through this if he were cheating than to actually face that he doesn't love me because of my failings), but because I feel that he doesn't want to be unfaithful. He very much cares what people think of him and I know that it would matter to him if people thought he had behaved badly.

I do think that he possibly is readying himself for a new life and new relationship at some point in the future, but I don't believe he has anyone in mind yet. I do think the woman I suspected may have an interest in him, though, because of a few things that have happened. I also think he has been around her at work as she has made arrangements to leave her husband and when you observe things like that, you are able to see that it is easy and possible. Also, friends of ours have also split up and it makes you think. It made me think that I didn't want that to happen to us and I talked about it with him - I said I hoped that if we ever found ourselves unhappy, that we'd hopefully be able to talk it through and solve it before getting int a situation where cheating seemed the only way out. This obviously was just food for thought and maybe planted a seed.

I feel less positive about the session with the therapist today. I did speak to DH about it - about some of the subjects we covered. I'm desperately sad about it all still. And I'm torn - I want to know I did everything I could to save our marriage, but I don't want to keep him here if he's unhappy. He's said he will try to work through this and that we can try together but I worry his heart is not in it and he won't acknowledge if his feelings to return.

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ravenmum · 24/02/2016 16:27

Sadly, " it would matter to him if people thought he had behaved badly" doesn't tell you that he wouldn't behave badly, it just tells you that he will try his hardest to look like he is behaving decently.

a situation where cheating seemed the only way out - you can avoid that situation by sorting out problems, or by leaving your partner so that when you get together with the new woman you are not cheating.

It takes two to save a marriage. Has he said or done anything to suggest that he actually really wants to? "We can try together" doesn't sound like his heart is in it to me, either, especially if he's planning how contact arrangements will work.

When your friends split up, did it make you think because you realised your marriage had the potential for a split? Why did you think you didn't want it to happen with you?

Jan45 · 24/02/2016 18:03

You seem to be making your assumptions on the fact that you refuse to see him for what he is and from what you have written there is indeed OW, he's setting things up to be with her, or at least is trying to.

Stop playing the pick me dance, having sex with him after what he has told you and done will do nothing for your confidence or self esteem or strength - you need to now believe what he is telling you, I doubt very much he is going to change his mind. Saying I love you but I am not in love with you pretty much equals - I want out of this relationship.

I also don't believe bereavement has caused this massive shift in his feelings towards you, I think it's probably been coming for some time.

Lick your wounds, gather your friends and you will be alright.

Jan45 · 24/02/2016 18:15

He told me last night that he has changed and I'm no longer what he wants

You need to take him at his words now and not concoct a different version of what was said.

Also, what an absolute cunt to be intimate with you after what he has thrown at you.

For as long as you allow him to pick and choose without a thought for you, you will continue to be in turmoil and also under his control, fuck that, claim back your belief in yourself, let him fucken go, he clearly is desperate to get away.

Original poster
withaspongeandarustyspanner · 24/02/2016 19:07

He may have said these things and it may not end well, but he isn't the person you are describing at all.

None of you knows him. There are things I'm confused about, it's true, but he isn't a bastard at all. Whatever you think.

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wannabestressfree · 24/02/2016 19:26

He is just acting like one....
I give it six months until you are on here saying you wished you had listened and he is shacked up with someone else....

Original poster
withaspongeandarustyspanner · 24/02/2016 19:32

Thanks

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Original poster
withaspongeandarustyspanner · 24/02/2016 19:37

I am hiding this thread now. I have to say that I've posted other threads over the past few months, I name changed for some. Some of the things some posters have said have simply turned out to not be true. Some people seemed to actually delight in saying the most horrible things. I'm not sure why.

MN is a great place occasionally, but sometimes some of you just delight in being spiteful. Maybe you're right, maybe you're not. You won't ever know.

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