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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm so lonely, please help!

26 replies

Ineedtobehappy · 19/02/2016 19:39

Hello there,
I don't know where to start to be honest! My Dh is in the forces but we rent a house instead of living in a quarter. Where we live is my dh hometown so has his family etc on his doorstep, mine however live on the other side of the country. I hate it, I've followed him everywhere throughout his career but feel we are now living here to meet his needs and not mine. I don't work, although I am actively seeking a job!
I want to move home, he doesn't. I have no money of my own and feel so isolated, he is very controlling with money etc ( I have to account for every penny)
He has said if I want to move back home the I've to pack my bags and f**k off. I have a teenage child also.
There is so much more to this than I've said but really don't want anyone to know who I am.
I was just wondering if anyone had any practical advice to help me perhaps?
I'm so sorry for the rant but it's taken me ages to pluck up the courage to post on here.

OP posts:
donajimena · 19/02/2016 19:41

I would pack my bags and fuck off. Flowers

Robotgirl · 19/02/2016 19:42

I'd be packing my bags and fucking off.

gleekster · 19/02/2016 19:43

I would go home and see a solicitor and then instigate divorce proceedings.

He has told you to pack your bags and fuck off..........I can't see any way back from that can you?

Is your child his? Either way, I cannot see any reason why you would stay with him.

Original poster
Ineedtobehappy · 19/02/2016 19:43

I wish I could but I don't have any money so would be unable to rent anywhere.

OP posts:
UmmedAndAhhed · 19/02/2016 19:44

Could you go and stay with family shine you get back in your feet?

Robotgirl · 19/02/2016 19:44

Can you go & stay with family members while you sort out benefit entitlement/work?

Silvereyes · 19/02/2016 19:45

Oh Ineed, you sound desperately unhappy. Do you visit your family, could they visit until you find a job?

Your DH sounds controlling and unkind, does he have any redeeming qualities?

Original poster
Ineedtobehappy · 19/02/2016 19:45

No dc is mine, where would I start? I've nowhere to go

OP posts:
gleekster · 19/02/2016 19:45

Could you not stay with family until you get yourself straight? If your child is his he will have to make CM payments.

As you don't have a job you have little to lose by escaping this dickhead, and everything to gain.

Robotgirl · 19/02/2016 19:45

How old is your child?

Dragongirl10 · 19/02/2016 19:47

Sounds like you need to find a job any job...Tesco...dog walking....bar work if need be and stash away enough to plan your escape.

Good luck

liberatedwine · 19/02/2016 19:48

Do you love him? Do you see the two of you growing old together, walking hand in hand on the beach when you're in your 80's?

If not, pack your bags, go home to your family and, in time, you'll meet a man who will cherish you.

Original poster
Ineedtobehappy · 19/02/2016 19:52

I'm applying for everything going but a couple of estate agents I've spoken to have I wouldn't be accepted for a rental as I would have to claim benefits to afford it. I wouldn't be able to raise a deposit etc.

OP posts:
RedRainRocks · 19/02/2016 19:54

No family in the area, no job? It sounds like you have very little to tie you to the area. Another vote for taking you and your child back to your family for a short while, just until you sort yourself out with a job and somewhere to stay. Are there better job prospects in your home town - ie: a bigger city, better transport links?

You can do this. You sound very unhappy and he sounds at the least financially controlling if not more that you've said you don't want to mention but there's enough here for me to be saying the same as PP's. Pack your bags and get gone.

gleekster · 19/02/2016 20:09

A friend of mine left her abusive husband with her five children and stayed in a friends loft room for four months whilst she got herself straight and had a job and money to rent.

Within three years she owned her own house and had a great career and friends to socialise with. Her DC were much happier too. They thought staying in the loft was "fun!"

If you really want to escape OP you will find a way.

Original poster
Ineedtobehappy · 19/02/2016 20:09

Probably a stupid question but can you apply for housing benefit before I've moved into somewhere? I come from a small town very different to where I am now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedtobehappy · 19/02/2016 20:11

My parents live in a small house ( 1 bedroom) and they would lend me the funds for a deposit if they had it but they don't

OP posts:
springydaffs · 19/02/2016 20:20

First off, do the Freedom Programme. Google it, click ' find a course ' to find a course near you - and go asap. It will open your eyes and you'll also get some excellent advice and tips from the facilitators and other women on the course. There is a way out of this.

If he is your H where is the money kept? Do you have access to accounts etc? Do some digging and get evidence of accounts and any money stored away - as his spouse you can expect half if you split (don't tell him this or he will hide it).

You haven't answered the questions about your family - is there anyone can help you? How old is your child?

Keep going. Many of us have been in your situation and got out - and are now safe, happy and well xx

Robotgirl · 19/02/2016 20:25

Depending on the age of your child you could be eligible for emergency housing if you have nowhere else to go. You can find out through the local council where you're from & they might be able to help you access longer term private rented too.

MoominPie22 · 19/02/2016 20:38

Maybe try Women´s Aid also? He sounds like an abusive wanker and you allude to him being a lot worse! He´s bad enough from what you describe Shock You could also pop in your local CAB for info on what to do.

Do you have any other family or a mate that could put you up for the interim period? Anyone at all who has a spare room?

Has this tosser ever hit you? Don´t wait until he does. Go check out your rights vis WA and CAB. Knowledge is power and you need empowering by the sounds of things.

He clearly has total disregard or interest in all that you´ve had to sacrifice and endure to follow him and support his career.

Is he out the house every day all day? Utilize this time to go seek out where you stand and get an action plan together. There are professionals out there that can help you.

Do you not have access to your own share of the money or do you have to ask him everytime?

First things first, get informed. You can do this!! Flowers Smile

Original poster
Ineedtobehappy · 19/02/2016 20:46

My dc is 13. Thank you all for your replies, I shall start making some phone calls x

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 19/02/2016 20:52

Good lass. Smile Let us know how it goes and how you get on. Be strong. Eat Cake

PedantPending · 19/02/2016 20:52

Don't the services have help for this kind of situation?

springydaffs · 19/02/2016 20:59

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. Try to call at night if you can (lines busy during the day Sad) or email them and they will get back to you - Or if you'd prefer them to call give them your number and a safe time to call. Have a look on their site - don't be put off that some women have it worse, it's ALL abuse. Delete all history though, inc email evidence (WA site shows you how).

Well done. One foot in front of the other, step at a time Flowers

RiceCrispieTreats · 20/02/2016 02:37

You say you're working on finding a job. Good. Do it in an area where you have friends and/or family. Ask whose spare room or sofa you can sleep in, until you have found a job (and then landlords will have little trouble accepting you).

You do need to pack your bags and leave, and yes, you do need (and deserve) to be happy.

And it's well within your reach.