blending families - too many challenges

[saddad]

partner and i both work - both have kids (me 3, her 1) from first time round

we dont live far apart but kids in different seconday schools - different schedules, would mean a 30 mins drive on a morning for one of use vs a 10 minute walk etc.

partner can't see a way forward to live together full time until say 3-4 yrs time when they are all 18+

any one done similar / waited it out / avoided the complexities - we are both young ish - early 30s

My fiancé and I have chosen to delay living together, though it's still a new relationship and we haven't been living with that delay for long.

My child is primary and we can walk to school - her friends are here, it's a village, it's very close to her dad. I don't want to move, therefore. I also don't like the idea of changing our dynamic yet - I like having just the two of us.

His child is at secondary, can walk to college, friends mostly local, easier/quicker bus to town. We also don't want to 'force' a new family on either of them.

So we decided to wait til she goes to uni, which is her plan, then he'll move in with me. All kids aware of that.

We have - hopefully - the rest of our lives together. What's a couple of years in their best interests?

Can't you live somewhere in between?
Waiting three to four years doesn't sound that bad if the relationship is sound. Frustrating but with an end in sight.

Blending families is very hard and even more so with teenagers I think.

hi cabrinha

yes see what you r saying thats a nice way of looking at it - think i am just keen to see my partner every day but longer term that would wot happens any way

hi cabrinha

yes see what you r saying thats a nice way of looking at it - think i am just keen to see my partner every day but longer term that would wot happens any way

we're facing london rush hour traffic so thats the problemo - i get the tube - partner has to drive for her community nursing job

i think she figures her boys will be over their teen angst by 3-4 years :-)

How long have you been together?

I would delay the move. So much less stress all round and 3/4 years is nothing in terms of a committed relationship that you expect to last for life (i assume?)

fourormore - nearly three years

rudeelf

thanks - i know what you mean - we are committed to each other and if i;m being honest i do thrive on noisy stressful situations (SN Teacher) so i think thats why it doesnt faze me as its an everday occurrent

From your respective ages both you and your partner must have had all your children at a very young age. If your youngest is 18 in 4 years, you have two more older dcs and you are only in your early 30s yourselves then without any judgements at all, there must have been a fair bit going on in everybody's lives over the last 15+ years.

For that reason, I'd say that waiting three or four years is probably a good idea. Moving two sets of teenagers together is not going to be the Brady Bunch. Waiting a relatively short time until they're old enough to move out if they choose gives everyone a bit of stability through the rocky teen years and you and your partner longer to sort out how it's going to work.

See i'm the opposite. I need my peace and quiet and space. Even my own DC know that come 9pm i'm cracking up if theyre still bobbing about the house. I can think of nothing worse than living with someone else and their 3 teenagers . But thats just me.

thats useful Haffdonga (Great name!!!!)

Its true the past 15 years has held alot for us both - I've been on my own for years focussing on work.

Definite food for thought - thanks

+1 rudeelf - "bobbing about the house " - thats v accurate

I think waiting might be better for the children, but the likelihood of your relationship failing before they move out is huge for a 4 year wait. Simply put, relationships are a dynamic thing, if they are not progressing they start going back.

I have been in the same situation, we managed 2 years before we decided we both wanted more from a relationship and let each other go.

sorry to hear that Tiger

I think we're strong enough - we see each other at least every other day and most weekends but i do want every day to be a reality

Its also worth remembering that many couples, with and without children, and including married couples happily dont live together and its not always because of children. Not living together does not always mean the relationship isnt going anywhere. Its just another type of relationship.

Yes very good point - I go to conferences once a month so am away for 2-3 nights at time anyway

havoc with my childcare !

Haffdonga

How many kids move out at 18 :-(

totally agree Haffdonga - its more that the kids are more independant so are out and about rather than moodily in side like my dear daughter

You're early 30's, but it's only 3-4 years until all 4 kids are over 18?

That doesn't sound right?

Approximately!!!

I'm 34 - daugher is 13

Partner 33 - 12, 14, 15 sons

You really want to foist 3 older step brothers on your moody 13yo girl?
I wouldn't. What does she think about it?

Worst possible ages to do it, especially for your daughter. Does she get on with them and your partner? Enjoy their company? Or tolerate it?

I wouldn't foist 3 adolescent boys on a teenage girl. It would be too much for her.

Well, assuming that they do all leave at 18 years old, you've got at least 6 years to wait. That's considerably longer than 3-4 years.

But, they are only going to leave at 18, if they :
a) Go to Uni and
b) Opt to live in halls

There are no guarantees that they will want to go to Uni, or even get good enough grades to do so. So, I don't think you should count on this at all.

And, do you want the kids to know, that you are literally counting down to them leaving, so that you can start anew? That's a bit crap.

Personally, if you really love each other, I think you have to jump in and buy a house together and make it work.

Remember, they might not leave till they're 25!