blending families - too many challenges

[saddad]

partner and i both work - both have kids (me 3, her 1) from first time round

we dont live far apart but kids in different seconday schools - different schedules, would mean a 30 mins drive on a morning for one of use vs a 10 minute walk etc.

partner can't see a way forward to live together full time until say 3-4 yrs time when they are all 18+

any one done similar / waited it out / avoided the complexities - we are both young ish - early 30s

[saddad]

they all get on ok - i see your point as the years progress it could change

she is a tom boy - nearly 5ft 9 and strong from judo

defo not a violet !

[saddad]

Thanks Blondeontreadmill

I agree thats what i want to do

My partners house is big enough but to buy together would be better - luckily we do have resources sufficient to buy somewhere big enough

[wannabestressfree]

God judge much on here....
Because they had their children young they had 'a lot going on in their lives' as opposed to having them when older.
Hate the snerry on here with young parents. I had my children young and have a career. So what?
Sad I hope it works out OK. At least you are giving it some real thought. I have been with my partner nearly 6 years and we Don't live together... six children between us and resident parents. The logistics are too much. Am happy to wait though to get it 'right' .

[saddad]

I think Life PLUS kids inevitably means alot goes on whatever the ages - I was lucky to have my daughter early but then my wife and I just grew apart.

Thanks Wannabe - all views help to balance mine out - don't get me wrong I sometimes think my partner sees things more realistically than me and not the logistics, potential stressors. Maybe Teacher status means you are an odder parent!!

I handle teenage angst on a professional basis - perhaps as a parent I am not so good !!!1 time will tell

[newname99]

I think the dynamic of living together does change life for the teens and you.The druggery of housework, tidying up, conflicts over having friends over, lack of space, joint finances.Time away gives you decompression time which might be some thing that's important to the relationship but taken for granted.

Do you get couple time when dc's with other parent?

[givepeasachance]

I have a BF who I have been with 3 years already. We took the decision early on to not blend or move in. We both have DCs 13 and 10. And it just doesn't seem worth it.

For me, the only reason to do it is for US, and it just seems a bit selfish. All the DCs are happy where they are and it really is no big deal for us to wait.

Because we are divorced and actually both the ex's have the children too, we find we have more time together than most married people. This weekend, for example, we are away on an off-the-cuff trip because we don't have the children.

I am not sure why we would change what we have, it works. The DCs all get on with no resentment and we all go away a few times a year and have a great time.

We get lots of "when are you getting married" questions, but it's just not relevant for us. Our relationship has enhanced things for the DC and I fear if we had done the blending thing, there would have been at least one casualty out of the 6 of us.

[Cabrinha]

It's not about her being a tomboy though.
I'd say the same about sticking one child in with three others in a sibling group - any mix of genders.
She might like the idea - she might not. You don't seem to know?

[blindsider]

Its a relationship between your DD and one of the Step brothers would be the most likely outcome. Which although perfectly normal, seems a bit icky...

[saddad]

Nice words Peas - thats yet another side of it - we do get on well all 5 of us

I see at school some situations where as you say one or more party is worse off because of the blend and its not good

all food for thought - thank you

[saddad]

she seems ok with it - in principle but then I dont know


i do need to properly speak to her and animate what exactly it would mean

[saddad]

Newname - we do get a small amount of couple time

one weekend a month and maybe one night a week so we do use these to unwind and "escape"

[louisatwo]

And be prepared for the fact that she my not tell you what she really thinks, just what she thinks you want to hear. It's a fine balance but in my life as a teacher I saw a depressing number of children move into (and then out of) blended families as the adults prioritised their own needs and the kids got dragged along with it. Sorry if that sounds harsh but to be considering this without really knowing how your daughter truly feels about it??....

[saddad]

Mmm - sage words - theres no rush but I will be supportive of her whatever her she feels

[LSAR]

I think your both being very sensible and good parents waiting is a good idea and will probably be more positive on your relationship where the kids are concerned.

[wannabestressfree]

We are both teachers we get the dynamic. It's not easy though...