please advise me on how best to deal with my critical mother

[ConkersDontScareSpiders]

Long, sorry!
My mother has always been immensely critical (of me and about most people in general). As she has always been this way I hadn't really noticed until my late twenties but for the last 5 or 6 years, I suppose since I have got older and developed a bit more self confidence (probably via holding a more senior position at work where my opinion is respected, and developing longer standing friendships in which we don't slate each other), and also observing my friends relationships with their own dm's, I have come to realise this might not be normal.
She will criticise me over anything and everything.A conversation this morning for example went like this:
Me, doing my online shop "oh good the porridge I like is on offer"
Dm "well why do you buy the sachets, that's ridiculous, it's far cheaper and better to buy the large bag of oats" (said in a withering tone)
Me: "well because I grab it as I'm running out in the morning and eat it at work so it's easier than measuring and decanting"
Dm "that's ridiculous..." Etc etc for 10 mins...
When I am with her every second conversation, about anything and everything,is some variation of that.
Since I have been young she has been critical of my weight (currently size 10, "bit chunky", my hair, my grades, (I remember calling her to say I got 9 a's and a 'd'in my gsce's and her first reaction being 'well you'll have to resit that d), later on my job, the house we had bought, things we were doing with the kids etc etc. All fairly low level but just constant.
I have recently been through a separation from dh (who dm loved). Of course that sent her into overdrive to the point of her actually being quite nasty to me and going out of her way to side with h.I have found this to be very hurtful and went low contact with her for a while as every conversation ended with me in tears, at a time when things were already hard enough. dm said she found it hurtful that I never told her things anymore, but I just couldn't talk to her for a while without facing a barrage of negativity. I am relatively successful at my job, have an ok house, beautiful funny and clever DD's...I might have failed at being married but that wasn't all my fault.Im just not sure what else I can do to stop her constantly knocking me.
I have tried to keep a relationship with her for the sake of the DD's who love her (she is a good nan to them), for my Dad who is something of an eccentric and who doesn't seem to see any of it (and if he did,having been raised in an army family is very stiff upper lip anyway), and for me, as I don't want to lose my Mum.
The other thing to note is that my Mum has never in my lifetime ever admitted to being wrong about anything.It is therefore nigh on impossible to raise this with her calmly as she just gets massively defensive.
Mostly I just grit my teeth and try and ignore it but it does get to me. She is at home now looking after my kids as its half term and I am at work (and I know im very lucky to have her offer to do this), but I am actually dreading going home to spend the evening with her.
Has anyone any advice on how I can make her cut out the criticism a little bit?

^ I wouldn't bother explaining why something offends you. With some personalities if they know that they'll just repeat it to annoy you.

I'd just say dismissively 'I'm not the one talking rubbish'. End of subject.

SwearyGodmother

It's hard but it's eminently worth doing. Some of it's just detachment.

I'm wavering now but I am trying not to do the "Sweary is obviously at fault, it's always her fault, so she must fix it" dance. It's so hard.

Don't waver. Be tough. And certainly don't pick up the phone. If they want to ignore you - let them - it makes life more peaceful for you.

If they get in touch - remind them that the condition of contact is that they don't talk about food. If they can't do that they don't get to speak to you. You do not need this shit when you're battling a life-threatening illness. Your priority is you and your health.

As long as you run after them, the ball's in their court, and they hold all the power and they know it. It's only when they realise you're happy to walk away that they have the incentive to change their MO.

Wow, that resonated with me more than I expected, OP. My brother and I years ago realised we had to 'manage' any information given to DM, in order to avoid at least a 10 minute lecture. I thought that was just how it was, until I had DC's of my own...

Neither DB nor I get much positive feedback directly, but we hear about the other - fortunately we communicate well enough with each other to realise that DM does love us and is proud of us, but has difficulty showing it.

I suspect the trick is not in trying to change someone else, but in learning to change one's own reaction to that person. This has taken me many years to realise.

TBH I'm not able to have a visiting relationship with my parents (occasional email occurs) due to my fathers similar critical nature. I am so deeply self critical and loathing my mental health is a long term mess.

An hour in their company and I'm back on my knees! I have kept my dc far, far, far away from them. I wouldn't tolerate any more visits with Ex and DM again he is using it as a weapon against you. Let the have a relationship that doesn't have you in common, I can just imagine that they are quite happy to critical discuss you at every opportunity within earshot of your DC!

Thanks all-I will try again to be more assertive with her in future-but I will be prepared for her reaction to that which will not be good I suspect.
I think I probably do need to talk this through with some sort of therapist -I do feel quite rock bottom at the moment between marriage break up and issues with my mum ( and then work etc alongside).Need to Shake myself a bit.
Exh isn't a horrible person but he is quite like my mum in that he will never Admit to being wrong and more than that, is very concerned about how he appears to others. Most people really love him which isn't a bad thing except that obviously they aren't married to him so don't get the full picture and I would be seen as churlish if I told people how it actually had been.in fact I wouldn't be believed.its been quite difficult being married to and now separated from a person who everyone else considers to be a saint...think thats why this mum stuff has got to me more more and more lately as it feel like no one is on my side (if there are sided to take) and so could really have done with her just being a nice mum for a bit.
Thanks all for replies.lots to think about.

I have one of these and agree with everyone advising you to call her on it in a direct, undramatic way each time. Some people are like this without being intentionally malevolent, even if the outcome is making others feel shitty, and the rush to NC you so often get on here doesn't seem merited on what you've said. The fact that she's good with your DCs indicates that you need to be direct back with her, IMO - she probably thinks she's just being honest so be honest back.

I fell out with mine last year and sent an angry email which I now don't regret because after a couple of grim months it reset boundaries that had never previously been there. I also call out petty unsolicited criticism and sometimes just retort childishly e.g. - I don't like your jeans/haircut/career choices much either, actually that sort of thing. I don't need to do it nearly as often now. I notice that this works better than my DF's approach which is build-up of pass-agg sulks followed by rage.

The tragedy (for me at least) is that they are both good people who care, and DM shows she cares by intervening, but does it cack-handedly, not helped by coming from a far more direct culture than here in the UK. There's some merit to that anyway. I have come to quite like knowing that I have a shit haircut or am looking porky since nobody else is going to say it!

You can just decide not to accept unkindness into your life and point it out when you see it, then distance yourself from the unkind person.

Good luck OP, you are having a tough time, but you sound really thoughtful and kind and I wish you strength xx

@UnhappyNeedHelp I need a favour from you