Husband's job stress ruling our lives

[Typo45]

Evening,

I've name changed for this as some details could potentially out me. In a nutshell, my husband's job, and the stress that goes with it, is starting to control our lives, and I feel is well on the way to ruining our family. I can't see a way out. I also don't know if I'm being unfair towards him and all the stress is transferring onto me, or if it's ok that I feel this way. This is going to be long, please bear with me!

He's a secondary school teacher. For context, we've been together 8 years, married nearly 5. We have three small children, second pregnancy was twins. I work part-time in a less pressured and slightly lower paid job, currently on maternity leave. He's the main breadwinner, although I am paid pretty well for what I do. There are no real opportunities for me to earn more at the moment.

I understand that a teaching job is stressful, but over the years I've known him it's got worse and worse. He hasn't changed schools but has had one promotion in that time. If he's not working he's stressing about the house, the children, the car, anything. And his stress is manifesting itself in him getting moody and angry - at times very angry, altohugh I'm pretty certain he wouldn't lash out at me and the children. I feel like I can't complain if I have a bad day. If I complain I'm tired (baby twins means little sleep!) all I get in response is "welcome to my world." I was ill a few months ago and he goes on and on about how stressful that was for him. I'd think he was jealous of my maternity leave, but I can never complain if I have a bad day at work. He never says anything nice, just says how I'm lucky I only have the occasional bad day, because all his are bad. I know my job is easier and less stressful. But maybe that's because I have a job that suits me perfectly, and he seems to resent that. It's not my fault. I've had my job longer than I've known him.

I can never make plans for weekends because he chooses when he's going to do work last minute, so opportunities for child free time with my friends are very limited. And my friends have stopped inviting me to places and make plans without me. He also can't switch off - I offered to pay for a day out of his choosing for a recent birthday, and he said no because he'd spend all the time thinking of things that needed to be done and wouldn't relax.I've started to really seriously hate how his job rules everything. He can't really change jobs as he'd have difficulty getting the same salary.

At the same time I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. He works hard. He earns money. He's (usually) a caring husband and father. When he's not having a bad day that is, and the bad days are getting more and more frequent. I have massive respect for teachers. I think they get a lot of very unnecessary stick. I wouldn't do the job, and I'm very glad that there are people who do.

Is anybody else the partner of a teacher? What's your life like? Or is anybody a teacher? How can I support him? I already do the majority of household types stuff and all child related thngs. He does his job and organises the finances. What can I do to make our lives better? Because sometimes I feel like I'd be better off a single parent. And those thoughts are popping into my head more than they used to. It scares me. I want to be as happy as we used to be. I think we could be if he wasn't so constantly stressed.

Thanks for all the helpful replies and suggestions. To the person who mentioned the military, yes, I'm sure that is stressful and undoubtedly dangerous. But I'm not talking about the military. I'm talking about another essential profession, which, according to my circumstances, the friends I know, and many of the responses here, is being run into the ground and causing health problems for those in it.

Leaving could be an option, but it would cause difficulties. He wouldn't be able to earn the same amount (he's quite highly paid for a teacher) or at least wouldn't in the short term. If I could get a promotion the first thing I'd suggest is that he goes part-time. But that's unlikely. I'm in a job which, although it's safe, has been subject to many government cuts over the last few years, and so promotions and pay rises aren't happening.

How can an education system be sustainable in the long-term if teachers are under unbearable pressure? Same as the NHS really.

If nothing is done to address his "stress" or properly diagnose and treat his issues then the job will be irrelevant as he will have a complete breakdown and not be able to work at all... and/or it will affect your mental health too.
What is the sick pay situation ? How long does he get on full pay before forced to retire on medical grounds?
This will be taken out of his hands if he develops full blown mental illness.
You are describing how my exp was before he really did implode....

Either he addresses the stress somehow to stay for the money
Tries to move eg sideways would a different school be different ? And addresses the stress which seem to spill over into family life...

Or does nothing continues and you all suffer. For how long until one or othr of you implodes ? What about the dc? They are suffering his stress too..it isn't sustainable and focusing on the money won't help.

When is he going to the gp ?

It's sadly much more likely that if off long term and unfit to return he'd be fired than given medical retirement.

Being angry with the education system probably won't help.

He really needs to change schools. He needs to avoid sick leave with stress.

We had a chat last night, so hopefully we can start to work through it properly. I told him that his stress was beginning to seriously rub off on me and that I felt unable to live life how I wanted because of how his job was impacting upon me. I told him I was worried he was depressed. He doesn't want to go to the GP at the moment, and I didn't want to push it as the main thing I wanted out of the chat was to make him aware of how I was feeling. He's agreed that I currently never get to do anything, so we're going to put some dates in the diary that I can have to myself or with friends. He's agreed to discuss with me regularly what his workload is and how much he'll need to do at home, and to try and re-jig his out of school working hours to try and give us some more family time.

Right now I'm happy with that. Obviously if things stay bad or get worse I'll be pushing for him to see somebody, and I re-iterated that if he gets as angry as he has done recently, he will be seeing somebody or he'll be moving out, whether temporarily or permanently.

Thanks for all your responses.

My exh is CEO of a huge financial firm, always working but conversely handled stressed very well whereas my DP is in teaching and although he isn't outwardly stessful as such he does have a huge workload bound up in an awful lot of bureaucracy not to mention ever changing goalposts and job uncertainty which I can see is weighing him down much as he is trying to hide it. I sympathise OP x

I notice OP that none of the things brought up in the conversation involve addressing his stress with work - I do think changes need to come there too, rather than just trying to fit more things in.

Would it be an option to jack it in and just do supply?

When I saw your thread title I wondered if your dh was a teacher. I taught for a long time and at times found it took over my whole life and it was especially difficult when I had a young family. There has been increasing pressure on teachers over the years and these days the management want blood. Whatever you give is not enough.

Some people deal with the pressure better than others. I also think it depends what role you have in a school eg core subject heads of departments are under intense scrutiny whereas if you are a classroom teacher of a non-core subject you can escape under the radar. Is there a possibility of him changing roles? Things do vary from school to school too so I think he should look for another job elsewhere. This has saved some teachers I know from jacking it in altogether.

I found I only really switched off in the summer holidays and then only until the results.

One more thing, although at times I was very stressed eg new project or responsibility, those times would pass as I adjusted. There are peaks and troughs during a school year and sometimes you have to hang on in there and before you know it you have got through it.

The other thing to consider is going down to 0.9 or 0.8 immediately, telling the HT it is that or resigning.

I dont find there are peaks and troughs anymore. And many of my coleagues say the same. It is constant for one reason or another. There certainly used to be peaks and troughs. But it certianly hasnt felt like ot in the last 3 years. For example in summer we would get extra time to plan for september. Now year 11 are kept in lessons until their very last exam, no study leave at all, so much less non-contact time to work on planning. On top of which data data data scrutiny and other data nonsense. Doing individual action plans for every member of gcse classes and regularly update them with evidence to support the claims clear in their books is a horrendous ongoing admin task. My particular annoyance is data collections that are brought forward the week they are due, said like that was always the date and time when i know full well (because i printed the original calendar) that it wasnt. Ofsted 3 days before the christmas holidays. That went down well... Back to two meetings a week (on top of morning briefings). One of which will more often than not end closer to 7 than 6pm. Mock exams every 6 weeks. I know a member of SLT go to normal Classroom teacher (non-compulsory subject) and complain about the workload! Oh and my personal favourite, changing the targets of children without actually mentioning that theyve been changed. Ks3 get put up. Ks4 can go up and occasionally down from their sept target. Twilights added to the calendar half way through the year because it is easy to get childcare in the evenings...