Husband's job stress ruling our lives

[Typo45]

Evening,

I've name changed for this as some details could potentially out me. In a nutshell, my husband's job, and the stress that goes with it, is starting to control our lives, and I feel is well on the way to ruining our family. I can't see a way out. I also don't know if I'm being unfair towards him and all the stress is transferring onto me, or if it's ok that I feel this way. This is going to be long, please bear with me!

He's a secondary school teacher. For context, we've been together 8 years, married nearly 5. We have three small children, second pregnancy was twins. I work part-time in a less pressured and slightly lower paid job, currently on maternity leave. He's the main breadwinner, although I am paid pretty well for what I do. There are no real opportunities for me to earn more at the moment.

I understand that a teaching job is stressful, but over the years I've known him it's got worse and worse. He hasn't changed schools but has had one promotion in that time. If he's not working he's stressing about the house, the children, the car, anything. And his stress is manifesting itself in him getting moody and angry - at times very angry, altohugh I'm pretty certain he wouldn't lash out at me and the children. I feel like I can't complain if I have a bad day. If I complain I'm tired (baby twins means little sleep!) all I get in response is "welcome to my world." I was ill a few months ago and he goes on and on about how stressful that was for him. I'd think he was jealous of my maternity leave, but I can never complain if I have a bad day at work. He never says anything nice, just says how I'm lucky I only have the occasional bad day, because all his are bad. I know my job is easier and less stressful. But maybe that's because I have a job that suits me perfectly, and he seems to resent that. It's not my fault. I've had my job longer than I've known him.

I can never make plans for weekends because he chooses when he's going to do work last minute, so opportunities for child free time with my friends are very limited. And my friends have stopped inviting me to places and make plans without me. He also can't switch off - I offered to pay for a day out of his choosing for a recent birthday, and he said no because he'd spend all the time thinking of things that needed to be done and wouldn't relax.I've started to really seriously hate how his job rules everything. He can't really change jobs as he'd have difficulty getting the same salary.

At the same time I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. He works hard. He earns money. He's (usually) a caring husband and father. When he's not having a bad day that is, and the bad days are getting more and more frequent. I have massive respect for teachers. I think they get a lot of very unnecessary stick. I wouldn't do the job, and I'm very glad that there are people who do.

Is anybody else the partner of a teacher? What's your life like? Or is anybody a teacher? How can I support him? I already do the majority of household types stuff and all child related thngs. He does his job and organises the finances. What can I do to make our lives better? Because sometimes I feel like I'd be better off a single parent. And those thoughts are popping into my head more than they used to. It scares me. I want to be as happy as we used to be. I think we could be if he wasn't so constantly stressed.

Teacher married to teacher. It would drive me nuts not to be allowed to say my day was stressful if I was viewed as being in a different job to dh! Even if the workload can't change, he needs to find ways to minimise the stress and to enjoy family life (and to let you enjoy it too). I deal with stress by overeating (bad) or by exercising and doing something I enjoy (good). Perhaps your dh needs ads or some exercise might help. Could he work a couple of prearranged longer days at work each week to feel he's on top of things, and leave out the weekend work? Could he speak to his union, they have helped me with advice when I've been stressed in the past - and if he tells his manager at work they are obliged to so something about it (which may or may not be helpful!)
But he has to have a long think about how letting things go on like this is affecting his partner and children, so I think the next step is making him realise this isn't going to be allowed to continue indefinitely.

I think the problem is that when you're really stressed, you don't really work effectively. It's hard to think straight. Staying at work for longer hours might mollify him but it's likely he won't get the value from it. He sounds under an awful lot of stress and this will damage his mental and physical health. He needs help.

Why not suggest he leaves his job and joins the military.
Away from home comforts for months at a time, in a war zone with the constant threat of being shot/blown up/ maimed or killed . No proper bed to sleep in at night. No privacy. Less pay. Then he might realise his previous job was not actually that stressful after all .

^ Ignore the previous fuckwitt

If someone is depressed or stressed, pointing out how others are worse off than them will just make things worse.

Honestly, some people

My dh had a completely different job than teaching but found it so stressful. All the symptoms of your dh. Refused to see a doctor. Keep struggling. Eventually l said that's me and the children out of here unless you see doctor and completely cooperate with all advise. It was the push he need as l meant it. Was depression. Any job is stressful if you're depressed but especially teaching as no where to hide. So doctor now. No excuses. He may need to be signed off sick. You do not have to accept this. He needs to take responsibility for his own health. You just had twins for goodness sake. You should be the one stressed. You're not because you are not depressed or anxious.

Your H needs help via the dr or a therapist. If he won't acknowledge this then there's not much you can do, except threaten to leave.

My dh had a similar issue a couple of years ago, an extremely stressful job coupled with 2 horrific deaths of people close to us, (caused by negligence of others) meant dh was impossible to live with. He sounded very similar to your H, a horrible temper and never ever switching off.
It came to a head with me telling him I wanted a divorce unless he got help. Thankfully he decided to get help of a psychotherapist. It has made a huge difference to him and I'm so glad we're still together.

Good luck

Also had another thought, if he's having terrible rages, ask him to think about what will happen to his job and his future if he had one of these rages against one of his pupils. He'd never with again!

He needs to get help ASAP

*work again

Is he on half term?

Could you phone and get an emergency appt for him today, tell the reception you are very concerned about his mental health.

Utter - that blog is awful. Why are professionals essential to the good running of a society feeling this way? I know the same could be said for nurses, doctors and many more, but why? My husband has taught for many years, and he says it's not just the current government to blame, but that years of bad governance of the system are taking their toll. In his school, last summer, they lost over half of his department. This is in a core subject. Again, going beyond my immediate problems, what system will my children be learning in?

I'm going to have to have it out with him. I may show him that blog, show him that he's not alone in his feelings. Right now he's not fulfilling his work requirements and he's not fulfilling his responsibilities at home. The way things are going he'll be dead by 50. Possibly even 40.

My DH is a teacher. I am an ex teacher. My family is full of teachers.

Yes it is stressful job as are many others.

The way your DH is behaving however isn't just down to job stresses.

It sounds to me as if he's got himself into a downwards spiral of constantly thinking about work but never doing it quite as effectively as he could. So everything takes much longer than it should do, so he has less down time so he can't think as clearly as he should so everything takes longer.... I'm a teacher and I've been there, done that, although only for short periods. If he's not careful he'll end up either becoming inefficient and ineffective in the day part of his job, or viewed as inefficient and ineffective and then he'll end up out of a job altogether. Something has to change, and a GP visit seems like the best place to start. It sounds as if his behaviour patterns are so ingrained he won't be able to change on his own - he will need support. What about getting him to call the teacher support network?

typo is it maths? Our maths department for a number of years had mass leavings every summer, because they are on demand and could get another job easily. They now have much smaller classes than every other subject and they all either have TLRs for very little or R&Rs to stop them moving so quickly. Also the school makes a difference. Every member of staff who has left where i work has said it isnt anywhere near as bad.

I'm a teacher and I fear my husband could have written this about me

Calleigh, it's not maths, but is a subject that all pupils do. He has said his maths department is in ruins too.

He might be very stressed but that doesn't give him free reign to take it out on you. Your home life sounds very oppressive.

Best of luck with talking to him about this. As I said upthread, I told my DH I loved him very much but that his reactions were in danger of irrepairably damaging his relationship with us. I knew that his behaviour wasn't who he was, told him we could see he wasn't happy either we we could get through it together but needed extra help.

By the combo of showing love, then concern then support and more love, he didn't feel got at and realised that it was best for all of us to face it and visit the docs and make changes.

He has a responsibility to himself and his family to seek medical advice for his mental health, and consider what help and steps might help him get better. Eg anti-Ds, exercise, counselling, organising more time off work on a weekend, seeking adjustments to his role.

being depressed/anxious is not an excuse for treating you badly.

I have MH issues, partly due to work problems, and am doing some of these things. It's not easy, but it's not sensible and unfair to just ignore a health issue that in his case is affecting everyone negatively, or to expect a partner to do way more than their fair share at home to compensate.

You both have lots of options: he could move schools, or leave teaching; you could seek to WoH or do some training. If teaching is so detrimental to his health some of the more radical options might need consideration.

If he consistently refuses to do these things you have some difficult decisions to make, but you don't have to remain in the relationship.

Of course being anxious/stressed/depressed isn't an excuse, but I'm sure many of us can relate back to how things were before we realised/acknowledged/sought help for our own issues. We wouldn't have done so before it impacted negatively on those we love most.

I think because all teachers complain about workload and stress, it is easy to feel you just have to put up with it and not realise when for you it has simply gone too far and you are really suffering. There are ways to reduce stress and remain in teaching.

Yes, I can relate, of course, and hopefully the H will be open to reducing the negative behaviour towards his wife and family, it sounds like this has gone on a long time. But if he won't seek help and just continues, there might come a time when the OP needs to put herself and DC first.

I am HOD and like other posters, I knew this thread would be about teaching.

Of course there are exceptions, but for most of us in teaching, the stress is way beyond bearable levels. I regularly feel utterly overwhelmed and tearful at the sheer amount of work to be done. I work around 80 hours a week. Two of my female colleagues similar ages to me who are HOD have had strokes in the past few years. I know I have to do something about it, but as a single parent with a huge mortgage it is hard to know what.

I do agree with PP though that DH does need to accept that his behaviour is impacting you to an unacceptable level and he needs to review his priorities and get a plan in place that works better for you all. Also agree about seeking help from GP,although ADs aren't the answer for everyone.

What you can't do is just leave it and hope it sorts itself out, because I can't see things getting better. I hope things improve for you soon.

Why can't he leave his job? Wouldn't it be better for you to earn more or for you all manage on less than to let it destroy him?

Not saying he must leave, just that it surely should be an option to be considered.

DH was a teacher - note I said was.

He too underwent this transformation - but the thing is, the stress levels mount slowly, as the expectations mount up and mount up and priorities keep changing and the working hours increase and then something snaps.

We tried so much of the advice here - he worked from 8am on a Saturday until 2pm and then was supposed to keep the rest of the weekend free. Which he mostly did - but it was obvious that his head was always in the stress, even if he wasn't actually a the desk working. He ended up walking out of school one morning and came home in tears. He left becasue he thought he was on the cusp of doing or saying something that would be career-limiting at best.

After leaving, he did some counselling and a lot of raging against the system and a lot of sleeping and lot of crying. He got a much lower paid job with almost zero-responsibilities. It was a dreadful time.

About 8 months on, one evening, I saw him stop, listen to one the kids and actually laugh whole-heartedly. And I realised that the man I married was back. And not only that, he'd actually been gone for more than 5 years - that his disintegration had been going on that long. Then I cried because I hadn't spotted it, how close he'd come to complete breakdown.

It hasn't been easy financially and still isn't. But we are three years out from what seemed disaster at the time, hasn't been a disaster. He is happier, we are all happier. Life is better in the ways that matter.

My heart goes out to you all - I hope you find a way through.

That sounds awful gleekster, hope you can reduce your hours and improve your situation soon.