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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Has anyone separated then had to live in the marital home with soon to be ex spouse?

67 replies

Ramble · 18/02/2016 21:11

As per the title really. Wondering if anyone has had to live with their ex until the divorce is sorted...and how did that go? For you/them/children?
Thanksx

OP posts:
ohforfoxsake · 19/02/2016 10:02

Oh and divorced in 13 months. From separation to Absolute. No messing.

Savagebeauty · 19/02/2016 10:13

From telling him I wanted to divorce to actual absolute was six months. And over Xmas too.
I saw every emotion in him...never knew whether I was going to get abuse, tears, sarcasm.
However a year on life couldn't be better. Once we sell home ( on market) I will block him.on my phone.

Diamogs · 19/02/2016 10:18

Still not yet divorced but we lived together for a couple of months after me finding out about his affair, as we wanted to get living arrangements etc sorted and everything in place before telling the DCs.

It was awful and DD tells me now that she knew something was wrong and it was a horrible time for her as we were arguing all the time (we thought we were being very discreet).

We get on quite well now that he has moved out.

Binders1 · 19/02/2016 12:46

I did for 3 months and it was just awful. Hated hearing the door go for when he either came in or left and not knowing if/when he was coming back or staying overnight. Cooking separately, washing separately, staying out of each others way.

I wouldn't ever do it again. It has happened to me twice since, second time I left under an hour and the third time, every day was a day too long despite trying but he did leave within a few weeks.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 19/02/2016 13:01

Coming up to two years for me. I have no money to move out - legal fees taking up most of it. Hundreds of thousands of pounds of mine in the house, so I have no option. He's been a complete arse, dragging everything out.

It's completely hideous. I'm stressed all the time, barely sleep ...

hellsbellsmelons · 19/02/2016 13:31

6 months was bad enough. If I'd had to wait for the divorce it would have been hell (5 years)
But he then moved to another country so all was good.
I just stayed out of the way.
Went to the gym most nights.
Visited family and friends at the weekends.
He had limited time left with his DD so I left him to it most of the time.
It's hell and I certainly wouldn't recommend it.

tbtc20 · 19/02/2016 14:24

hell yes...I am doing quite a bit more angry running than I used to. Keeps me sane and gets me out of the house at flash point: evenings usually.

I've done a lot of running in the dark with my music on loud. Very, very good therapy and I count my blessings that I have this escape.

Ramble · 19/02/2016 22:26

Gosh. The end result has to be worth it.

OP posts:
Iwantmymaidennameback · 19/02/2016 22:34

Basically, it's shit, and no matter how "amicable" you might think you are, when it comes to splitting the finances it's war.
I have been doing this since last October and am starting to get a tad desperate to be anywhere but here.

PurpleWithRed · 19/02/2016 22:40

Did it for 14 months. Lost 2 stone. Acrimonious divorce obviously. When we sold and moved out I put the chain on the door of my new home and just stayed there alone for blissful days of peace and calm. But I don't regret a minute of it, it was the price I had to pay for freedom.

Ramble · 19/02/2016 22:49

Ah the closing the door and knowing that's it....what a relief that must be.

OP posts:
tbtc20 · 21/02/2016 16:37

Mine has been away for a few days - bliss. I am to collect him later and am dreading it. Back to the control, eggshells, doing absolutely everything while he has fun with the kids.
I feel so anxious. Hate it and no end in sight Sad

Ramble · 21/02/2016 19:09

So sorry...big hug tbtc20 xxxx

OP posts:
StrongerSingle · 21/02/2016 20:27

I did it for seven years. We could have divorced sooner but I was not in a position, financially, to buy a house for me and the DC.
We were legally separated, and luckily ex worked 300 miles away so was just in the house at weekends.
It is weird because at the time I just got on with it. But looking back I'm not sure how I did it.
Eventually sold the marital home and I bought a lovely little house last Oct. it is like a massive weight has lifted :)

waterangel · 22/02/2016 08:11

This is me I suppose

But there's no end in sight. Rent costs as much or more than a mortgage where I live and there's a huge housing shortage and as pp said above, he has as much right as I do to be here.

Two children at school. Up to our oxters in debt. Neither of us could afford to rent, we are into our overdrafts every month as it is.

I live in my own room.

There's no EA. I just don't love him any more. He's vain, arrogant and blames me for all kinds of things.

I'm starting to make a life of my own, and if and when I meet someone else, I will probably tell him when the time is right.

I hate how my life has turned out, but silver linings are I like my job, 2 great children, I am healthy, fit, not bad looking despite my age

Allgunsblazing · 22/02/2016 09:09

Over a year and a half here, but I think the end might be in sight.
I am keeping busy. Very busy.

I am using this time as a respiro to put my affairs in order.
I have re-arranged my finances. I put part of it in the DD pot, for the running and upkeeping of this house. The rest, I save. Every penny of it.
I have moved my own DD into a personal account (car, insurances etc).
I renegotiated and transferred in my sole name stuff like electric and gas, BT, etc. (In the meantime, we pay the bills joint). So when we move, all I need to do is give the new address. I figured, one: it's cheaper to re-negotiate in my own terms and time, rather than desperately sorting things under pressure and with not a lot of money), two: I have a ballpark figure, I know what to expect, it's like a dry run if you want. And all the contracts are for one year. I'll be here for another 6 months. So if I do need to chop nd chande, I'll only have 6 months to wait.
I have been slowly buying stuff for the new place. New bedding, for example. New hoover. New teaspoon (all the teaspoons here are ruined after years of black tea. Every time I wanted to buy new ones I was bullied and told no, I can't buy them, I'm just a spender. It was a control thing, he wanted to be the one that declares in front of his family: these teaspoons are DISGUSTING, about high time you see that, wife!). Anyway, I got these really really sweet, modern and very very posh teaspoons :)))))
So yes, I am bidding my time. I keep my cards to my chest.
He won't go for my savings, or partage or anything, I'm having the lot. He thinks I don't know he inherited money (that he keeps in a secret savings account). He knows that if he tried that, I won't be shy to go for a chunck of his precious inheritance. I hinted at it and he turned pale. So we're all good. More tea, anyone?

WaterAngel · 22/02/2016 23:28

Good for you AllGuns

I've indebted myself a little bit further to take the children on holiday. They'd never go anywhere if was down to him. And we badly need a break.

It's 11 years since Dd was on a holiday and ds has never been on one (15 and 8)
It wasn't very expensive and they are excited. He whinged and I said well, you don't have to come. Shut up rapidly then of course.

Sn0wdr0ps · 23/02/2016 00:47

I spent alot of time out of the house eg hobbies, volunteering, working

I valued my family and friends

I organised my finances

I had time to think about the future

The house was no longer a home, we moved round the house like ghosts

It was worth the wait in the end...

Allgunsblazing · 23/02/2016 06:04

waterangel, so, is he coming on hols with you? It's soul destroying, isn't it, the whinging, it's the one thing that still sends me into a mad rage, not that I show it, of course! I hope you have a lovely holiday!

sn0w, yy, exactly that.

Iwantmymaidennameback · 23/02/2016 07:31

My STBX claims this is not a normal way to live but refuses to budge. He expects me and the DCs to do the moving but knows I am sticking it out for the house. Does make you wonder if you're sacrificing your sanity for a pile of bricks.

whatdoesittake48 · 23/02/2016 07:49

Is it really necessary to stay in the house to keep your share? Is there not some kind of agreement that when it is sold you get your share of the equity even if you moved out. Can you get a legally binding agreement to that effect?

tbtc20 · 23/02/2016 08:00

Yes what, you don't lose your rights to a co-owned home if you move out.
People can't just get kicked out of their homes, locks changed, stuff thrown on the lawn etc...it's still their home.

My STBX suggested I move out and he stay in the home with the kids (while I support him I presume since he barely works). Boggle.

I have no right to just move out with the kids, they are his children as well. I also work full time from home and have a garden office so me moving would be a royal pain.

And why the hell should I? Make it easier for him?

Cattnips · 23/02/2016 09:23

Hello,
My husband has told me doesn't love me and he is unhappy. We have been together 15 years. I am deeply in love with him and always will be, we have 2 children. He wants to leave, I feel there's nothing I can do. He wants to remain friends and still do family activities together. This is confusing as how can i see him as a friend when all I want is to be his wife? He wants a trial separation to work out how he really feels. What can I do?
Has anyone else been through this?

hellsbellsmelons · 23/02/2016 10:06

Cattnips you need to start your own post in relationships.
I would agree to the trial separation.
Kick him out and STOP doing anything for him.
Basically what he wants is to have his cake and eat it.
His words are very typical for a man who has had his head turned or is already having an affair.
There is a slim chance there is no OW but I would bet there is an OW.
So get him out of your house for now.
Agree to the trial separation.
Do NOT do the 'pick me' dance.
The only way he will learn how he feels is if he actually feels the loss of you.
No doing his washing, cooking. cleaning, ironing and certainly no 'happy families' together.
Separation for him should mean just that.
He needs to understand from right now how it will be.
He will have them 1 night a week at his own place (or his parents) to do homework and spend some time together and he gets them every other weekend, away from the family home from Friday after school until Sunday afternoon.
See how he likes that.
That will interfere with his cosy single life and will certainly ensure that he doesn't have it all his way to spend weekends with the OW!
Good luck and start your own thread to get the full support available on here.
It will be invaluable to you.

tbtc20 · 23/02/2016 10:09

hells that's a bit OTT, isn't it?

I was going to suggest couple counselling.

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